On finding my authentic self.

[Metalhead]

When I starve myself and then binge eat, I am not being my authentic self. That is not who I want to be.

I keep hearing my mother's voice in my head telling me that I never had the discipline to really stick with any self-improvement project so I should not even try. Shut the hell up, mom, you speak only for yourself now.

I want to read more novels, watch more of the great classic movies, finish more classic JRPGs, have more dinner nights at my house with good friends, cook healthy and balanced meals instead of relying too much on frozen pizzas. What is stopping me? A voice from narcissists who want to keep me down? Why am I allowing that to happen? Only I can change that.

I am going back to eating healthy foods starting right now. No more HFCS, no more partially hydrogenated oils, no more frozen pizzas.

I am going to exercise daily, in moderation.

I am going to keep myself around 2,200-2,300 calories a day, which my mother insists is WAAAAY too much for a 6'3" man like myself.

Then again, why should I mention what my mother says? What she says is irrelevant and my emotions should reach the point where the entirety of me treats her words as such.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I'm sorry people have made you feel so bad about your weight. The diet plan sounds like a good step. I also know of someone who has to avoid preservatives in order to keep weight off.

 

[Metalhead]

I'm sorry people have made you feel so bad about your weight. The diet plan sounds like a good step. I also know of someone who has to avoid preservatives in order to keep weight off.

I remember a decade ago, I was not eating any HFCS or trans fats, and that really pissed my mother off. She claimed it would hurt grandma's feelings if she served me HFCS foods and I turned them down, then she claimed that HFCS and trans fats laden foods were healthier than foods without them because of the preservatives that are also in them. She kept on bringing it up nonstop. Even though I was feeling healthier and losing weight on the plan, I eventually gave in to my mother's nonstop pestering about how my avoidance of these things were a sign of severe mental illness on my part.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I'm pretty sure the fats that you were trying to avoid are bad for your heart as well.

 

[Xinyta]

"Actions speak louder than words."

This isn't said in doubt that you will do all you said you would. But you have to believe you can in yourself. Part of believing you can is to stand up to not only what you recall your mother saying. But to stand up to yourself.

We are our worst enemy. More so than those around us. And the hardest part is to admit when you are at fault. Not just for your own inaction. But also in your mental insistence to perpetuate something irrelevant to yourself. A kinda odd control mechanism we must let go of, as it rots our soul and hardens our heart.

If you ever feel the need to down yourself. Remind yourself that those words are not your own. To then say to yourself:

"What do I think?"

"Is everything really that bad?"

"That was a mistake. But I will do better next time."

Focus on what you can do. Not what you can't. Not how you have failed. Not how you are horrible for being this or doing that.

The mind lies to us. Especially when we condition ourselves to believe these lies. But it doesn't have to be this way.

 

[Metalhead]

"Actions speak louder than words."

This isn't said in doubt that you will do all you said you would. But you have to believe you can in yourself. Part of believing you can is to stand up to not only what you recall your mother saying. But to stand up to yourself.

We are our worst enemy. More so than those around us. And the hardest part is to admit when you are at fault. Not just for your own inaction. But also in your mental insistence to perpetuate something irrelevant to yourself. A kinda odd control mechanism we must let go of, as it rots our soul and hardens our heart.

If you ever feel the need to down yourself. Remind yourself that those words are not your own. To then say to yourself:

"What do I think?"

"Is everything really that bad?"

"That was a mistake. But I will do better next time."

Focus on what you can do. Not what you can't. Not how you have failed. Not how you are horrible for being this or doing that.

The mind lies to us. Especially when we condition ourselves to believe these lies. But it doesn't have to be this way.

True. As an adult, my family's words should have always been irrelevant. I have been too unkind to myself by not taking my own personal boundaries seriously.