on fitting in

[hazel]

i have always tried to fit in to some extent however over the last couple of years i have really questioned whether there is alot of point in doing so..

i have undergone CBT for my social anxiety which did really help HOWEVER- i don't actually enjoy sociallising the majority of the time- even if i was the most popular person in the world with loads of mates i would still want to spend time alone most of the time.

should i spend my whole life changing who i am just to discover i dont like it?

i quess i'm just rambling on but i have good parts to me which'normal' people don't have.. and the thought of giving that up just to be concerned about make-up and celebs isn't very appealing at all

it's bloody hard being 'yourself' whatever that is but i do believe it will have more benefits in the long run. This is something i really struggle with ..

what are your oppinions on this matter?

 

[vanillasquirrel]

I dont have aspergers but I thought I should say something which I hope helps.

I wouldn't worry to much about feeling like you have to join in idol chit chat about celebs and make up. I've never been interested in those kind of things either, and if my friends decide to talk about that kind of stuff i just sit and listen until they hit a subject I can give some imput it, or I zone out for a while till one of them asks me something.

I have a small group of friends I find I can relate to well, but even within that you expect to have individual tastes. I work at a school now and I still find it hard to sit and chat with other teachers at breaks and lunch, because I'm just not as interested in alot of the things they talk about, plus I don't drink tea, which seems to be a big thing in places of work. Nobody takes this personally tho, just be polite when you are in a conversation with someone and if they're worth getting to know they'll just take you for who you are.

I've been known to avoid going out with my closest friends when I just feel like having my own space, I even said I was baking a cake one evening just so I didn't have to go out with them one particular time, which they found out wasn't true but they respected me wanting to stay at home.

I work with a girl with aspergers and she often seems the quieter one, but none of the kids judge her for that, they still like and accept thats the way she is, and most had no idea she had aspergers until she started missing school for weather related anxiety and even then it makes no difference to them.

Basically what I'm trying to say is its far better to be yourself, because then when you make friends they are without a doubt worth having and they'll understand your not the socialising type, which they themselves may not be either and even if they are, they understand when you dont want to go out its not personal.

As long as you can go about your daily life and be happy then I don't see an issue with staying away from social gatherings if they bore or upset you. And if there is something you find you enjoy doing more that could involve others then try doing that to socialise, but if you feel uncomfortable after a couple of times then don't force yourself to do it. If you do ever feel lonely or more willing then you can try other things at a later date. But don't try and conform to what you think everyone else does. It would be boring if we were all the same.

sorry for rambling on. hope it helped.

 

[IContainMultitudes]

i have undergone CBT for my social anxiety which did really help HOWEVER- i don't actually enjoy sociallising the majority of the time- even if i was the most popular person in the world with loads of mates i would still want to spend time alone most of the time.

As this article points out, some people just don't seek out the same level of social interaction as others and even find it to be a little bit tiring:

Caring for Your Introvert
The habits and needs of a little-understood group

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/

The writer of the article never connects introversion to Asperger's syndrome, but I think a lot of this does apply to aspies (In fact, I think this article played a role in me seeking out an AS diagnosis).

 

[hazel]

I dont have aspergers but I thought I should say something which I hope helps.

I wouldn't worry to much about feeling like you have to join in idol chit chat about celebs and make up. I've never been interested in those kind of things either, and if my friends decide to talk about that kind of stuff i just sit and listen until they hit a subject I can give some imput it, or I zone out for a while till one of them asks me something.

I have a small group of friends I find I can relate to well, but even within that you expect to have individual tastes. I work at a school now and I still find it hard to sit and chat with other teachers at breaks and lunch, because I'm just not as interested in alot of the things they talk about, plus I don't drink tea, which seems to be a big thing in places of work. Nobody takes this personally tho, just be polite when you are in a conversation with someone and if they're worth getting to know they'll just take you for who you are.

I've been known to avoid going out with my closest friends when I just feel like having my own space, I even said I was baking a cake one evening just so I didn't have to go out with them one particular time, which they found out wasn't true but they respected me wanting to stay at home.

I work with a girl with aspergers and she often seems the quieter one, but none of the kids judge her for that, they still like and accept thats the way she is, and most had no idea she had aspergers until she started missing school for weather related anxiety and even then it makes no difference to them.

Basically what I'm trying to say is its far better to be yourself, because then when you make friends they are without a doubt worth having and they'll understand your not the socialising type, which they themselves may not be either and even if they are, they understand when you dont want to go out its not personal.

As long as you can go about your daily life and be happy then I don't see an issue with staying away from social gatherings if they bore or upset you. And if there is something you find you enjoy doing more that could involve others then try doing that to socialise, but if you feel uncomfortable after a couple of times then don't force yourself to do it. If you do ever feel lonely or more willing then you can try other things at a later date. But don't try and conform to what you think everyone else does. It would be boring if we were all the same.

sorry for rambling on. hope it helped.

thankyou so much for your reply- i found it very helpful.
i have decided to focus on being myself and being happy regardless of whether it 'fits in' or not
thankyou for not judging and being understanding all the best - hazel

 

[hazel]

As this article points out, some people just don't seek out the same level of social interaction as others and even find it to be a little bit tiring:

Caring for Your Introvert
The habits and needs of a little-understood group

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/

The writer of the article never connects introversion to Asperger's syndrome, but I think a lot of this does apply to aspies (In fact, I think this article played a role in me seeking out an AS diagnosis).

thankyou i will check it out all the best- hazel