Opportunities Missed

[Sophia D]

Hello there,
I don't know how to start this so I'll just jump right into it.
I like journalism, and as you are aware it requires extreme levels of social communication skills. I recently went on holiday, and I felt that I could have met someone there who I was in contact with and talk about his situation, but I didn't and it really frustrated me so much! I also felt that I could have taken this to university too.

It's the same with groups, I often find it difficult to approach people and then I don't go to groups/social outings.

I find it's really about breaking through the barrier of anxiety that will allow me to gain experience, and i'm afraid that without it I will fail to grow.

Soo, I was wondering if there are groups available for people w/ high functioning autism or experiences you've had that may be similar to mine and how you deal with it?

~Sophie~

 

[OlLiE]

it's quite simple, but i learned it only a few years ago:

anxiety is a waste of time, that has no basis in reality and exists solely in your imagination
you cannot touch anxiety, it can not physically restrain you

in essence in my opinion much anxiety is related to fear of rejection

imagine a switch, and turn it off

you don't have to be perfect to be justified in having an opinion and sharing it,
once you accept that rejection is actually not a problem, that very few people get things right the first time, that most other people are scared just like you, and that everyone has to learn, then hey presto the fear of rejection disappears

so, i told myself
- i'm just as good/imperfect as everyone else,
- that does not diminish my right to express myself,
- pleasing everyone is impossible and in no way necessary,
- (constructive) criticism is a good thing,
- if i stay open to feedback i can learn and improve

and most of my 'active' anxiety disappeared, i still get the background discomfort but i can hide it, so what did not disappear, is my fatigue from dealing with people

the risk with this approach, is that if you go too far, people may consider you aloof, arrogant, intimidating,
if everything rolls off you like water off the back of a duck your are 'untouchable' and that can make people uncomfortable

 

[George Newman]

Hi, Sophia D. Thank you for the post. Thru your words I can tell that journalism is dear to your heart and something you desire. What a wonderful opportunity to share your talents. I am betting you would make a great journalist. I can also see that the very HFA that you are equipt with may be the basis for a great journalist but could also provide hurdles that may or may not be cleared. OlLie makes some good points for sure. I could say many things I think might help. An autism group might help as well, if you can find one. Better yet google Laura James, author and journalist. Her experience might be the motivation you are seeking. I applaud your bravery and willingness to step out and look for pathways to what you want. Bravo and best of luck.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

anxiety is a waste of time, that has no basis in reality and exists solely in your imagination
you cannot touch anxiety, it can not physically restrain you

in essence in my opinion much anxiety is related to fear of rejection

imagine a switch, and turn it off

you don't have to be perfect to be justified in having an opinion and sharing it,
once you accept that rejection is actually not a problem, that very few people get things right the first time, that most other people are scared just like you, and that everyone has to learn, then hey presto the fear of rejection disappears

Oh contraire. I wish it was this simple for everyone. Anxiety is a mental illness. It is not solely based in a person's imagination. It's to be with the brain and can affect the adrenaline system - what is formally known as a panic attack.

Think about it, if it was that simple then the phrase, "Just snap out of it" would work wonders for millions.

 

[Mr Allen]

I could've been a Journalist, meh, I can write better stories than most of the Sheffield Star writers, who just copy and paste from Sheffield Forum.

Biggest recent missed opportunity was about 2 years ago they rang me up on the mobile about my application to go on The Chase, it was a Foreign call centre (and y'all know how I feel about those!) so I couldn't understand them, and thus kind of talked myself out of appearing on the show.

I might try again at some point, I would like to see if I can beat The Beast, and I want Jenny "The Vixen" Ryan to chase me, and not just on there lol.

 

[Nihil]

Tons of missed opportunities for relationships, if that counts. On one hand, a relationship would be nice. But on the other, solitude is also nice.

 

[Judge]

I've always been haunted by a lost opportunity many years ago to attend a seminar for model makers hosted by Industrial Light & Magic. Perhaps a lost chance to begin a new career in something more creative and far more lucrative than insurance underwriting. A much better fit I suspect for most people on the spectrum.

However my employer intervened telling me I had to attend further annual training in Philadelphia at the time, which effectively nixed this opportunity. Of course later I developed an interest in web design and over time left insurance for high tech. But that gig didn't last many years either given the dot-com bubble that decimated so many high tech and high-paying jobs in Silicon Valley.

Ironic though to consider how CGI in 3D has evolved to systematically replace a need for talented model makers. Go figure. Easy come, easy go.

 

[Bella Pines]

There are two aspects for you to consider here:

1. Your perception of this issue. You use words like "barrier" and "missed" and "fail". All negative. This is not negative at all, it is simply an area of study. The fact that you "missed" this one simply served to highlight a development area to you. You didn't miss anything or fail at anything, this simply happened to bring your attention to the fact that you don't want it to happen again.

2. The next steps. There are a number of ways to overcome this situation. Extreme levels of social communication skills are perfectly achievable. It seems to be a function of diagnosis that us aspies tend to focus on social aspects and assume we aren't good at them. Well really, I am not good at horse riding, but I don't make a big deal out of it. I dare say I would not be particularly skilled at the trapeze but I don't make a fuss about it. If I took a circus course I would simply practice the skills until I mastered them. Social skills are no different, the rules are really very simple. Smile, be polite, make all the right noises in all the right places. So simply study the art of social communication and fake it until you make it.

 

[Mr Allen]

I've always been haunted by a lost opportunity many years ago to attend a seminar for model makers hosted by Industrial Light & Magic. Perhaps a lost chance to begin a new career in something more creative and far more lucrative than insurance underwriting. A much better fit I suspect for most people on the spectrum.

However my employer intervened telling me I had to attend further annual training in Philadelphia at the time, which effectively nixed this opportunity. Of course later I developed an interest in web design and over time left insurance for high tech. But that gig didn't last many years either given the dot-com bubble that decimated so many high tech and high-paying jobs in Silicon Valley.

Ironic though to consider how CGI in 3D has evolved to systematically replace a need for talented model makers. Go figure. Easy come, easy go.

There's a place for CGI, but IMO eventually movie studios will replace human actors with CGI characters because they're cheaper and less demanding for salaries and that.

Not good IMO.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I've always been haunted by a lost opportunity many years ago to attend a seminar for model makers hosted by Industrial Light & Magic. Perhaps a lost chance to begin a new career in something more creative and far more lucrative than insurance underwriting. A much better fit I suspect for most people on the spectrum.

However my employer intervened telling me I had to attend further annual training in Philadelphia at the time, which effectively nixed this opportunity. Of course later I developed an interest in web design and over time left insurance for high tech. But that gig didn't last many years either given the dot-com bubble that decimated so many high tech and high-paying jobs in Silicon Valley.

Ironic though to consider how CGI in 3D has evolved to systematically replace a need for talented model makers. Go figure. Easy come, easy go.

My initial major in college was Model Making. Where I was living in western NY then, there was a local community college that offered a two year program where you could major in that. I was told that I would be basically guaranteed a good job in that field if I completed that program, as there was lots of demand for model makers.

Anyways, the problem I had was the oral presentations required for each model we created. We had to talk about our project creation, and as I could not talk then more than one or two words for any questions I panicked days before and during the presentation, thinking everyone would be or was looking at me, and would laugh or was laughing at me for my extreme shyness and very poor social skills, and fearful looking expressions and behavior.

I ended up saying nothing but a few waivering words that I had memorized before, regarding what I created, then in haste after a question from the professor where I froze, not knowing what to say, because my concentration was on me messing up and on the others judging me badly, I walked out the door, changed majors and never regretted that. To me a promise of a future good job meant nothing, and being happy with that type of work meant little, if I would quit it because of people. Majoring further in that would have ruined me.

So, I changed to a liberal arts degree, finished that, then transferred to a university and majored in Math where I took like sixteen math/statistics courses, out of the twenty two courses required for the final two years needed for that degree. These courses I did well in and did not require talking. It allowed me to finish and without much mental health setbacks. Although graduating did not help with my future employment searches or desires, as I was dysfunctional then, it was the foundation to my believing I could succeed at something, which in my mind I have.

 

[Cactus]

Perceptions CAN be real. I try to tame my anxiety, tell myself that it's all in my head, but then things start happening. Then I have to wonder if I'm paranoid. I may have HFA but I can reason. I know when I'm being sabotaged, maybe not as quickly as someone without HFA, but I know. I have anxiety for a reason. I'm NOT like everyone else. I have deficients that others do not. It's not all in my head. I HAVE been sabotaged. I failed at becoming a teacher, and I was very close to graduating, not for academic reasons, but for social reasons. My field experiences were rated highly, grades, etc., yet I was sabotaged. It was a toxic environment, and I didn't know why it was happening, so I chose to leave. It was my second attempt, after they had changed the curriculum based on my written experiences. I do not know why it happened.

My confidence level has plunged, and my anxiety level is high. And it is NOT all in my head.

I have never written about this experience, even in a truncated way such as this. Thank you all for allowing me to do so.

 

[OlLiE]

Oh contraire. I wish it was this simple for everyone. Anxiety is a mental illness. It is not solely based in a person's imagination. It's to be with the brain and can affect the adrenaline system - what is formally known as a panic attack.

Think about it, if it was that simple then the phrase, "Just snap out of it" would work wonders for millions.

it may not work for everyone, all the better if it works for some,

i have seen people talk up their hurdles to the point they truly believe that they can't overcome them, half the time after 'just doing it' they often wonder what all the stress was about, i experienced it often, i just tell myself to do it, only to find it wasn't as bad as i thought, and through repetition the initial 'anxiety' decreases

if you tell yourself often enough that you can't and that your are worth less than others,
sooner or later you will believe it

but you are right, positive thinking can't overcome everything

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Perceptions CAN be real. I try to tame my anxiety, tell myself that it's all in my head, but then things start happening. Then I have to wonder if I'm paranoid. I may have HFA but I can reason. I know when I'm being sabotaged, maybe not as quickly as someone without HFA, but I know. I have anxiety for a reason. I'm NOT like everyone else. I have deficients that others do not. It's not all in my head. I HAVE been sabotaged. I failed at becoming a teacher, and I was very close to graduating, not for academic reasons, but for social reasons. My field experiences were rated highly, grades, etc., yet I was sabotaged. It was a toxic environment, and I didn't know why it was happening, so I chose to leave. It was my second attempt, after they had changed the curriculum based on my written experiences. I do not know why it happened.

My confidence level has plunged, and my anxiety level is high. And it is NOT all in my head.

I have never written about this experience, even in a truncated way such as this. Thank you all for allowing me to do so.

I believe the anxiety is real, from what you say. The question in my head was often "Should I fight or flee (that anxiety and fear)?" At that time, my decision was to to partially fight by staying in college and university, but to partially flee by changing to part time status and by fleeing all those experiences (classes) and social situations where I would have to talk and where I felt I failed miserably or where I felt I would fail miserably. That would ruin my confidence further.

So, although my later educational years were not the time for me to give up totally, it was not the time either where I could do something very stressful like that full time, nor was it time to do continue with that major that I initially wanted to pursue either. "Perhaps later," I thought. But later turned into other desires instead, and less interest in that other thing which I previously wanted. For me, it was the right decision to go in a different direction, but for others they may try to stay the course, and work through their issues. I could not.

So, I then focused on the positives of that decision, and focused more on finding other ways to build self esteem, than through my work. Most persons though need or desire a full time job so I understand that. I guess the ideal job would be one that one not only loves, but one in which they are very good at too. Unfortunately, our definition of success can not necessarily match that of the employers. Job duty expectations may not be an ideal match, and employees present can affect our performance.

In your case, it sounds like your confidence was severely affected by your leaving, and anxiety thus increased. You might want to try looking at it this way though, "As bad as you feel now, things could have even gotten much worse if you stayed. You left because your mind and body told you there was no other choice but to go." As long as you learned something from the situation, then use this information and experience to make you even wiser and stronger for future efforts and decisions.

 

[Sophia D]

it's quite simple, but i learned it only a few years ago:

anxiety is a waste of time, that has no basis in reality and exists solely in your imagination
you cannot touch anxiety, it can not physically restrain you

in essence in my opinion much anxiety is related to fear of rejection

imagine a switch, and turn it off

you don't have to be perfect to be justified in having an opinion and sharing it,
once you accept that rejection is actually not a problem, that very few people get things right the first time, that most other people are scared just like you, and that everyone has to learn, then hey presto the fear of rejection disappears

so, i told myself
- i'm just as good/imperfect as everyone else,
- that does not diminish my right to express myself,
- pleasing everyone is impossible and in no way necessary,
- (constructive) criticism is a good thing,
- if i stay open to feedback i can learn and improve

and most of my 'active' anxiety disappeared, i still get the background discomfort but i can hide it, so what did not disappear, is my fatigue from dealing with people

the risk with this approach, is that if you go too far, people may consider you aloof, arrogant, intimidating,
if everything rolls off you like water off the back of a duck your are 'untouchable' and that can make people uncomfortable

Ultimately anxiety is not something that is turned off in the flick of switch for most people, even though it might sound easy to say! It's something that can be hidden very well though. From a logical POV, I assume you are coming from, it is pointless and is a waste of energy even thinking about things you cannot control.

Fear of rejection is a real thing and at sometimes I've felt that myself for a while, but i'd also say that lack of relatable experience adds to that. It's difficult to describe and again most people hide it very well and it;s calmed by getting more experience in life.


For example, if I'd want to take a bus to a major city to attend an interview, I may feel anxiety, not necessarily by rejection but simply a lack of experience.

However, by meeting someone in a busy area, and basically talking about important events and how it has affected them I may feel that I might get rejected and it'll put me off from doing and it would be the same in a social group , so yeah i'll take these into account.


~Sophie~

 

[Bella Pines]

Perceptions CAN be real ... And it is NOT all in my head.

I have a subtly different take on this. I believe that Perceptions are real AND in our heads.

No two people see the same world. When I see a cup of tea, I see peace and a symbol of relaxation. When other people see the same cup of tea they may just see a watery drink. Perception starts in your head and overlays onto everything and everyone in the world. Perception causes you to be in a certain place at a certain time, it shapes your life. If you see a situation where you know you will suffer anxiety, so you do. If you see love or hate, that's what you will soon feel. So yes, perception is very real and not easy to change, but because it starts in you, it's perfectly possible.

 

[Sophia D]

Thanks for all your support and suggestions folks.

I've recently been thinking (over thinking of course), should I tell them that I wanted to meet them and talk to them and/or explain my situation? I know that sounds so tedious, but I tend to focus on the small details.