Optimistic Social Outlook & Vegetative Friendships

[Poppet]

This is kind of a random topic that I will quickly post and then leave alone for the night as I need to go off to bed (it's 2am here!).

I was discussing my friend situation with my NT fiance the other night and it got me thinking about optimism (among other things).

The short story is this: I have very few to no friends. My fiance is my best friend and that is amazing, but it would be nice to have a female friend or two (I am female).
I have a "best friend" from high school (which was years and years ago) that I thought I was keeping up with enough that I still considered her to be good friend, but now I'm realizing maybe I was just fooling myself into believing this... I asked her to be a bride's maid to my wedding a year ago when I got engaged and she was completely on board and supportive, but just two months before the wedding she cancelled her plans through email with a bunch of excuses. I feel a bit like a fool, or maybe just a loser for being so friendless that my only bridesmaid that was my friend (not just my family) was someone that I've seen once in 7 years... And she cancelled so I don't even have that.

So, I've been feeling really down and kind of cheated by all of this (by my friend situation). Mostly just because it's happened a couple of times now with good friends. I'll put energy into still being their friend, trying to keep up with their life, holidays, birthdays, and support them through the years... But I feel like they all eventually stop caring and stop trying. It's not like a friend-break up. There's never any hard feelings, I'm not annoying them or anything, we just "drift", but completely because of them and not me...
Anyway the other day when talking to my fiance I said that maybe it was a good thing to know I am so utterly friendless because it allows me to know where I stand socially (which is basically at rock bottom), and maybe I can make new friends soon and put my energy there.

I guess he was a little surprised at my optimism because I tend to be either very realistic, cynical, or pessimistic... But it was sort of a relief to know I didn't have to keep trying to revive some dying friendship, that I could just give up and let it die... It makes me really sad because I truly want to be friends with these people, I care about them and remember all the good times... But I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one trying. Wasting time on someone that won't be a true friend. But I wonder if all these years of trying were just like keeping a vegetative state friendship alive... Maybe the relationship was dead a long time ago and I was just dancing around it and didn't even know. I makes me feel slighted, confused, and a little stupid... Like, what is real with people?

I guess I'm wondering, for all those AS peoples who are still hopeful to build future friendships, do you feel optimistic even if you have no friends right now? Do you ever feel like you've hit rock bottom with making friends but you pick yourself back up and try again? Or do you just give up and become the AS person with no hope for friends? Forever alone? I want to believe that I'm being optimistic and that I'll be able to succeed if I just keep trying to make (new) friends... But a part of me wonders if this is just the last dying friendship and eventually I will have no friends (outside my relationship with my fiance).

As an aspie, we are often perceived as uncaring or just not thoughtful about relationships and social stuff... I don't think that's so much true for everyone, but I think it is hard for us to know sometimes when it's appropriate to be thoughtful and caring towards a person. I am now wondering if maybe I have been thoughtful and caring about people who I should have just let go... I mean, they reciprocate too (sending packages and emails etc), but I wonder if I thought our friendships were stronger than they were. (ie asking someone to be your bridesmaid even though you were best friends 7 years ago and these days you barely know what she's doing with her life). It sounds obvious now, but try to imagine what it looks like... Every few months you gush out emotions with this person and they gush out emotions too, it feels like a friendship... But they're thousands of miles away from you, and even when they weren't you hardly ever saw them in real life, you don't know what their daily life is like, you just know the occasional gush of emotions you get from this person... Real and legitimate, but does it weigh the same as a friendship?
The more I describe this it reminds me of what internet friendships are like...

Ugh. Sorry this is such a unguided topic and I'm all over the place explaining it... I guess it's partly just a desire to vent, I'm still pretty torn up and saddened by all of this... My wedding is in one week and I won't have any friends there, just family and my fiance's family and friends... :/

 

[Sass]

I had exactly zero people to ask to be bridesmaids when I got married, and that was ok, I was a bit sad about it, but I still had people outside my family I wanted to invite, and that was something at least.

I have no-one I'd call my best friend (apart from my husband, who I think would be my bestie even if we ended up separating, we're just that close), but after moving to Australia and having been here for 18 months, I now have 3 friends (female, which is odd for me, I usually hang with the dudes), and while we're not in bestie territory, I at least know they'll be up for a drink at short notice, or keen to go out for dinner or something.

I relate to the not knowing when it's appropriate to be caring thing, big time. When people are experiencing something traumatic or upsetting I often think it's not my place to get involved, and that if they need me they'll ask. Sometimes this can look cold I think, but I think I'm being caring by giving them space. I can be too enthusiastic with new people that I like too, so I have to be careful not to over-message or bombard them out of the sheer joy of having found them, hehehe.

Sorry, I don't know if any of that was relevant

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I have a question. This person who you asked to be your bridesmaid - are you saying you only saw her once in 7 yrs?

 

[AsheSkyler]

I think it's good to be optimistic. You're only guaranteed to never make another friend if you give up! Unless you're old and grumpy and in one of those movies where you're destined to get some kid or animal stick to you like glue. But it's really hard to tell the difference between friends and acquaintances to me. Acquaintances seem more like what you and I normally experience. You get along great, but they just kind of fade away... And friends stick around for a while. Most of my friends now are my husband's cousins and his gaming buddies. Works out fine for me. I'm not as avid a gamer as them, but it's somebody to talk to about something I enjoy. Some of my favorite memories were each of us in the same house on our separate computers and shouting commands back and forth at each other. I made snacks. =)

I got lucky at my wedding. My mom grew up in a small group of people and all us kids inherited each other. Only one I've really hung on to, and she was my only bridesmaid. I did my best to help her find a flattering dress. She IS my best lady friend, I wasn't chunking her in an ugly dress! It's not uncommon for us to be a few years apart, but it's easier now that we can drive. That is one of the few good things I can say about Facebook, people pay more attention to it than their email. We've still kept touch regardless of whether we were in separate states.

 

[Cerulean]

I can relate to this thread, I finally let go of some dying friendships (and things I thought were friendships, that I wanted to be friendships, but really weren't) a few months ago. I'm basically left with my boyfriend as best friend (although he was before I let go too), and a couple of women I work with. I don't know whether we're actually friends or just work friends though, we hang out in our off hours and share our hobbies but if one of us stopped working at the same company I'm not sure whether I'd ever see them again.
It's been sad to go from thinking I had a bunch of friends to admitting I really only have a couple, but liberating at the same time.

 

[Poppet]

I have a question. This person who you asked to be your bridesmaid - are you saying you only saw her once in 7 yrs?

Yes because I moved away from my hometown and she stayed in the area. I later moved even further away so it's just been impossible to see each other. We're in our twenties, don't have money to travel (and I don't drive). But we always 'kept up by text, email, and letters/care packages. So it didn't feel quite so out there as "I haven't seen her but once in 7 years" sounds.

 

[Poppet]

I can relate to this thread, I finally let go of some dying friendships (and things I thought were friendships, that I wanted to be friendships, but really weren't) a few months ago. I'm basically left with my boyfriend as best friend (although he was before I let go too), and a couple of women I work with. I don't know whether we're actually friends or just work friends though, we hang out in our off hours and share our hobbies but if one of us stopped working at the same company I'm not sure whether I'd ever see them again.
It's been sad to go from thinking I had a bunch of friends to admitting I really only have a couple, but liberating at the same time.

Yeah that's pretty much exactly how I feel, sad but somewhat liberated? It's such a weird thing to open my eyes to...

 

[Cerulean]

Yeah that's pretty much exactly how I feel, sad but somewhat liberated? It's such a weird thing to open my eyes to...

Yeah. I'm trying to stay on the liberated side of things and focus on my hobbies lately. I've settled into my new, near-friendless existence fairly happily, all things considered. It was just sad to feel so misled, whether intentionally or not.

 

[Poppet]

I think it's good to be optimistic. You're only guaranteed to never make another friend if you give up! Unless you're old and grumpy and in one of those movies where you're destined to get some kid or animal stick to you like glue. But it's really hard to tell the difference between friends and acquaintances to me. Acquaintances seem more like what you and I normally experience. You get along great, but they just kind of fade away... And friends stick around for a while. Most of my friends now are my husband's cousins and his gaming buddies. Works out fine for me. I'm not as avid a gamer as them, but it's somebody to talk to about something I enjoy. Some of my favorite memories were each of us in the same house on our separate computers and shouting commands back and forth at each other. I made snacks. =)

I got lucky at my wedding. My mom grew up in a small group of people and all us kids inherited each other. Only one I've really hung on to, and she was my only bridesmaid. I did my best to help her find a flattering dress. She IS my best lady friend, I wasn't chunking her in an ugly dress! It's not uncommon for us to be a few years apart, but it's easier now that we can drive. That is one of the few good things I can say about Facebook, people pay more attention to it than their email. We've still kept touch regardless of whether we were in separate states.

Haha that's kind of how I feel sometimes, that I'm going to become some recluse who - against all odds! - makes friends with the random kid next door despite my curmudgeon demeanor and I save him from falling into a ravine, or some kind of heartfelt ending like that...
When I was a kid I always looked forward to being older and saw my future self as a fun energetic tom-boyish girl who had a couple of great best friends. I remember clipping out a magazine image of a girl like that, with two girls linked in her arms on either side of her, laughing and walking down a dirt path on some adventure.
I'm in my mid-twenties now, past all the usual friend-making stages in my life, I feel very sad for that little girl I was. Like I let her down or something... But maybe it's other people that let her down? I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out, if there's things I am doing wrong that I should be doing differently. I feel like I am a very attentive and caring friend... But it doesn't seem to matter. :/

That sounds great about your situation. I'm kind of jealous of your gamer friends! I've always thought it would be a lot of fun to hang out with gamers, even if I was just watching/supporting. My brother was a gamer and I always wished I could insert myself into his friend group...

 

[Cerulean]

Goodness Poppet, it's like we're the same person.

 

[Poppet]

Yeah. I'm trying to stay on the liberated side of things and focus on my hobbies lately. I've settled into my new, near-friendless existence fairly happily, all things considered. It was just sad to feel so misled, whether intentionally or not.

I feel you. I'm also trying to focus more on my hobbies and my "career" (art), and on my relationship with my fiance... I've been of the mindset that I should start being more myself, like, not holding back on my eccentricities and just being really 100% me. I feel like in the past I've been afraid of seeming too weird or too random or something, and I haven't made any real friends being that way. I used to have friends in high school when I was more openly eccentric, so I'm hoping that not censoring myself so much will also help. At the very least at least I might lead a more happy lonely life being free to be myself. Good luck with your situation. I guess that's one good thing about forums and the internet, even though they don't always breed amazing friendships, they can be great places of support and common ground.

 

[Poppet]

I had exactly zero people to ask to be bridesmaids when I got married, and that was ok, I was a bit sad about it, but I still had people outside my family I wanted to invite, and that was something at least.

I have no-one I'd call my best friend (apart from my husband, who I think would be my bestie even if we ended up separating, we're just that close), but after moving to Australia and having been here for 18 months, I now have 3 friends (female, which is odd for me, I usually hang with the dudes), and while we're not in bestie territory, I at least know they'll be up for a drink at short notice, or keen to go out for dinner or something.

I relate to the not knowing when it's appropriate to be caring thing, big time. When people are experiencing something traumatic or upsetting I often think it's not my place to get involved, and that if they need me they'll ask. Sometimes this can look cold I think, but I think I'm being caring by giving them space. I can be too enthusiastic with new people that I like too, so I have to be careful not to over-message or bombard them out of the sheer joy of having found them, hehehe.

Sorry, I don't know if any of that was relevant

Gah yes I can relate to the sympathy issue. I am usually pretty lost on how to respond too.
Not because I don't feel sympathy but because people are so unpredictable and odd... I'm a VERY emotional person and when someones upset about something legitimately sad (like their pet died or something) I can feel their pain. Sometimes I end up acting even sadder than them and they'll be like "it's not the end of the world, I'll survive", which really throws me off... And some situations people will act overly sad about something that is pretty frivolous, and I have a hard time feigning sympathy for that...

I think this is a good example of how I can't tell when someone is deeply connecting with me or I'm missing the mark entirely.
Sometimes I'll become friends with someone (through work or online or something) and I'll think we really connect. I don't get creepy or overly obsessive or anything, but I keep pursuing the friendship, thinking maybe we'll become close friends. But they'll just drop off and stop engaging suddenly. Never in any negative "stay away from me" kind of way, they just get busy and like, don't come back to the friendship. We might exchange words every so often but it's not the same connection as it was before. It just makes me wonder, why am I getting the impression of a connection when other people aren't? It's making me really question my ability to sense when I'm having a deep moment with someone or I'm just having a deep moment with my own stupid mind... It's really frustrating.

 

[Poppet]

Goodness Poppet, it's like we're the same person.

Seriously! I wish we weren't relating on such a sad topic, but it is kind of comforting to know other people feel this way through life as well and I'm not just completely broken! :S

 

[Ste11aeres]

I think this is a good example of how I can't tell when someone is deeply connecting with me or I'm missing the mark entirely.
Sometimes I'll become friends with someone (through work or online or something) and I'll think we really connect. I don't get creepy or overly obsessive or anything, but I keep pursuing the friendship, thinking maybe we'll become close friends. But they'll just drop off and stop engaging suddenly. Never in any negative "stay away from me" kind of way, they just get busy and like, don't come back to the friendship. We might exchange words every so often but it's not the same connection as it was before. It just makes me wonder, why am I getting the impression of a connection when other people aren't? It's making me really question my ability to sense when I'm having a deep moment with someone or I'm just having a deep moment with my own stupid mind... It's really frustrating.

I know completely what you mean.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Haha that's kind of how I feel sometimes, that I'm going to become some recluse who - against all odds! - makes friends with the random kid next door despite my curmudgeon demeanor and I save him from falling into a ravine, or some kind of heartfelt ending like that...
When I was a kid I always looked forward to being older and saw my future self as a fun energetic tom-boyish girl who had a couple of great best friends. I remember clipping out a magazine image of a girl like that, with two girls linked in her arms on either side of her, laughing and walking down a dirt path on some adventure.
I'm in my mid-twenties now, past all the usual friend-making stages in my life, I feel very sad for that little girl I was. Like I let her down or something... But maybe it's other people that let her down? I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out, if there's things I am doing wrong that I should be doing differently. I feel like I am a very attentive and caring friend... But it doesn't seem to matter. :/

That sounds great about your situation. I'm kind of jealous of your gamer friends! I've always thought it would be a lot of fun to hang out with gamers, even if I was just watching/supporting. My brother was a gamer and I always wished I could insert myself into his friend group...

Oh goodness, I understand the guilt of letting down the past child. I feel like mine is always glaring at me and telling me to straighten up!

Maybe it's not too late to try to join your brother's group? The ones I knew were pretty relaxed and didn't have that clique mentality, so all I had to do was join in (and not get us horribly killed). Minecraft was the easiest! Everybody loved to mine and build, while I loved to explore. I often got them all sorts of new junk to start growing or tinkering with while they made the base. If you do have a PC game and a mic, why not go hunting around some online servers and stuff? Every now and then a group my husband and I would join would have somebody playing within driving distance. Too bad we never went on a double-family date. The kids would have played well while us couples went on about games and stuff over dinner.

 

[Poppet]

Oh goodness, I understand the guilt of letting down the past child. I feel like mine is always glaring at me and telling me to straighten up!

Maybe it's not too late to try to join your brother's group? The ones I knew were pretty relaxed and didn't have that clique mentality, so all I had to do was join in (and not get us horribly killed). Minecraft was the easiest! Everybody loved to mine and build, while I loved to explore. I often got them all sorts of new junk to start growing or tinkering with while they made the base. If you do have a PC game and a mic, why not go hunting around some online servers and stuff? Every now and then a group my husband and I would join would have somebody playing within driving distance. Too bad we never went on a double-family date. The kids would have played well while us couples went on about games and stuff over dinner.

Aw that sounds lovely.
I should ask him if he's still into Minecraft or any MMORPGs I could join in on... He lives in Texas and I live in Virginia so it'd be a nice way to bond with him again since we only see each other at Christmas these days...