Ouch....not sure quite what happened

[Ocarina]

I've been in a five year relationship with a man - not officially diagnosed, but we are both pretty sure he's on the spectrum. I was diagnosed HFA a year ago.

We were drawn to each other I suspect because we are pretty similar in some respects and have had what is for the most part, a good relationship, we've matured alot, weathered some storms and spent some time apart. I've always struggled with his last minute planning, seeming lack of commitment, never saying he loved me and yet his total misery when we are apart. I suppose I could describe it as feeling emotionally unsafe alot of the time - whilst he insisted he did want to be in the relationship, he often behaved otherwise and I felt much less of a priority in his life than his work and perhaps significantly his love of wine which seemed to be the go to treatment for any bumps in the road.

We split for a while last year and ended up missing each other and getting back together and initially it was great - I stopped walking on eggshells and he seemed more giving, but the last few months things have deteriorated again, he became withdrawn, obsessively focused on his daughters mother who he despises, unable to be present with me even when we were together. He was also drinking more and more - sometimes a couple of bottles of wine a night and every time I saw him. I was hurting, feeling more and more excluded from his life as he talked about the trips he was planning (on his own) his future plans to move abroad (alone). When I eventually voiced my concerns re his lack of presence, told him I needed more time together and that the problems with his ex were his and his alone - I couldn't sort them for him or bear the fall out, he said:

"I want whatever you want"

I've had one email from him since then ( 2 months ago) saying he was sorting things out and that at least one thing was on the way to being solved. Nothing since then.

So I guess that's it. I really feel I did what I could and that he was only comfortable if he was totally accepted which left no room for negotiation of my needs, but the way it ended really hurts. I spent a great deal of time stuffing down what I needed to keep the peace and when I finally found my voice, worst fears were confirmed and he disappeared.

I suggested counselling some time back but he said he couldn't see how it would help.

Is this it?

 

[Lady Penelope]

Sounds like you are in emotional hell.
From my experience it is hard to let go of a relationship when we have put in effort and have hard wired our brain to view this person as someone in our life. The old "for better or worse" adage ...but it always seems we are the ones waiting for the better times whilst gritting teeth.
Does he enrich your life and are you happy when you are with him? It's hard to admit when things don't fit cos we try so hard to make them work but your happiness and feelings are important and can't be ignored.

 

[Ocarina]

Sounds like you are in emotional hell.
From my experience it is hard to let go of a relationship when we have put in effort and have hard wired our brain to view this person as someone in our life. The old "for better or worse" adage ...but it always seems we are the ones waiting for the better times whilst gritting teeth.
Does he enrich your life and are you happy when you are with him? It's hard to admit when things don't fit cos we try so hard to make them work but your happiness and feelings are important and can't be ignored.

You're spot on - I'm trying to just get on with life, but I feel in some kind of limbo.

There's always been some kind of incongruency - in that he says he wants to make it work but behaves otherwise. I guess I've been somewhat naiive and have allowed myself to ignore my feelings.

In the end that doesn't work and I could feel resentment brewing - I've been to specialist ASD therapist, read every book under the sun. It reached a point where the only way to carry on without saying anything was to sacrifice my own happiness for his. I know rationally that won't work but it's difficult to catch up emotionally.

Thanks for the reminder that my happiness and feelings are important - just what I needed to hear.

 

[Lady Penelope]

You are like me. Sacrifice your happiness and sanity for others until you burn out.

I really feel for you right now and know this is all you can think about. Try to remind yourself that you gave it your best shot and that you don't deserve to feel like this.

I hope you have a distraction that you can focus on instead of the emotional turmoil.

Of late, music has helped me as i need to focus on the lyrics instead of the noise in my head. Play it loud. On repeat. And dance if you can. It's not a permanent solution but it might ease your mind temporarily.

If only i could take my own advice...