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outcast aspie

K

Krull88

Active Member
My mom had whooping cough when she was an infant in the 1940s. They gave her a penicillin shot and her body reacted with a full body rash. It was a massive immune activating event. She developed bad yeast overgrowth and later diagnosed IBS and Crohn's. I believe she passed on maternal immune activation events to all three children. I was the firstborn. I was born with thrush in my mouth and eyes. I likely reacted to early vaccines. My little brother definitely did. She wrote it in her baby diary.

I always thought my mom had undiagnosed asperger's. My brother and sister are likely aspies also undiagnosed. All three of their children are as well, two diagnosed.

I was fully diagnosed aspie by a PHD later in life. My symptomology is alexithymia, isolation, and extreme physical hypersensitivity. I've also been diagnosed PTSD.

I've been to multiple aspergers support groups in the northern California area. I've seen all the aspie "types". There's a subgroup of the aspie types that are...what's the word...disgruntled, malcontent, clashing..? They get kicked out of asperger's support groups. That's the type I am. I've been kicked out of asperger's groups. I just can't contain myself. The question I want to scream in people's faces is HOW CAN YOU STAND EVERY WAKING MOMENT? That's why I consider myself in the "outcast" aspie group.

My voice is incredibly annoying. My father hated me and therefore it feels like every pair of eyes hates me too. It's weird how I trigger that projection from others. My vocab is high. I'm educated in math. I'm disabled. I'm painfully lonely without a possibility of a cure. Thank god for therapists. I've been in continual therapy for my adult life. Constant therapy can't be good for you but for an alex (alexithymic) I suppose I'm immune to the negative side of that.

I recognize the need for a lot of you folks to digest your "differentness" by labelling asperger's as a personality type. Unfortunately I can't say I respect it very much. I'm definitely in the autism is a disease camp. I've read Denial by Olmstead and Blaxill. I'd also refer the unconvinced to the documentary Who Killed Alex Spourdalakis; autism ain't no gift. I do have a chip on my shoulder and I resent the dismissal of the modern zombie apocalypse but I guess I'll leave my attitude about that here on the doorstep.

I'm a searcher. I've explored every healing modality and studied the human condition obsessively for years. I get disappointingly few crumbs of information from other aspies. I'm surprised at how few of them are extremely physically hypersensitive or don't even know what alexithymia means.

I suppose I'm here to find out HOW CAN YOU STAND IT?!?! Please forgive my bristles.
 
First of al WELCOME, Oh i would LOVE if i wake up one morning and AL my diagnosis just diapered and im not even one iota grateful for this diagnosis as they have managed to destroy most every chance i had to get a somewhat " normal happy life " BUT i have learnt that the best think i can do is to try to do the best in life with what i have to work with

Second in answering youre question ,what other choice do we have then to ACCEPT our difficulties and try to adapt to them dear ?
 
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Give it time dear i was just like you once full of hate and reluctance towards my diagnosis etc.... what i found out was that i CANT win over this so why waist time in feeling sorry about it and try to rather get on in life as best i can
 
Krull88 said:
My mom had whooping cough when she was an infant in the 1940s. They gave her a penicillin shot and her body reacted with a full body rash. It was a massive immune activating event. She developed bad yeast overgrowth and later diagnosed IBS and Crohn's. I believe she passed on maternal immune activation events to all three children. I was the firstborn. I was born with thrush in my mouth and eyes. I likely reacted to early vaccines. My little brother definitely did. She wrote it in her baby diary.
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You seem to blame this for your aspergers. It's nothing to do with any of that. You had the thrush, not because of immunities, but because your mom had a yeast infection that you passed through. The IBS and Chrohns is also separate from her reaction to the pcn. Why do you think you reacted to vaccines? Did you have a rash or swelling?

How much research have you done on aspergers? I think the more research you do - in the right areas - the better you will feel. You can't accept your aspergers and you want to put the blame somewhere.

Do you realize the skills you have that other's don't? Learn more about who you are. Would you really want to be just another being following the rest of the world in oblivion? (Not implied to all NT's). You see the world for the way it really is, making it more difficult to accept the world. Start considering the good things we have going for us - that you have going for you.
 
Question - how will you ever get anyone to accept you when you can not accept yourself?
 
I know for me it took up to adulthood until i finally came to accept who i am and the different diagnosis i do have and ACCEPT and tried to learn more about them so i can better adapt & get on with what life have given me to work with.
 
Welcome to the forum, Krull88. Great post. You sure are on a significant quest and have legitimately strong emotions regarding your current state.

The posts and conversation strings here at Autismforums.com can help. You’ll find your not the only participant stating facts about how they feel in ALL CAPS. Dive into the search function. Read what others have and are saying.

Your not by yourself. Your not alone.

I’m looking out my window just now at the bird feeder and can see a half dozen gold finches just working away. Their energy is encouraging to me.

Hey, great post. Thanks for sharing it.
 
Underneath the autism there is also a regular person with standard personality traits. Conversely, there are neurotypicals with traits we consider autistic. We are not one or the other, we are both. I do not think being combative (ie. getting kicked out of ASD groups) is coming from your ASD.

But to answer your question. I will not, because it is flawed. It assumes everyone 'can't stand it' to begin with.

If you are content being the 'Bull in the China Shop' then accept the bills you will always have to pay over and over, without grumbling.
 
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I admit i find him to be a troubled soul yes and yes he should try to calm down and also down tone his different Anti / there is a cure / ASD is a decease replies But honestly i seriously dought he`s after hurting or as others have said in other Threads ruffle some feathers. He just have some ways still to go in to finding he`s inner piece and try to accept his Diagnosis. Its also quite obvious he has alot of anger in him that needs to come out . But troll NA We al have different ways of trying to come to grip with our different "iccues "
 
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