Overbearing parent or am I being too selfish? halp

[Beanfinity]

Here's the heart of the issue: I really need time alone, as in I don't even want to be contacted or asked how I am doing or anything. I only have the energy to text with a few friends, and that's on a very irregular basis (which they are all totally fine with. I can go days without responding and it's respected). I currently live down the street from my dad and his wife (my stepmom). My dad contacts me on an almost daily basis, and sometimes comes over for things like property maintenance. The expectation is that, since I'm down the street not really doing anything, I respond promptly. Sometimes he will message me and call on multiple messaging apps if I don't respond right away because he needs an answer right away. It's gotten to the point that I get anxiety every time my phone pings with the Whatsapp sound and I've already had a few meltdowns the last few weeks, and at the centre of my irritability is my dad who won't leave me alone.

And here's some background. I moved from Canada to Mexico, where my dad is, about four months ago in the middle of a major autistic burnout. One that meant I took a leave of absence from my job, ended my romantic relationship, and I have pretty much stopped communicating with a lot of people from Canada. I really needed to cut everyone out 'from my past' in order to figure out this whole late-diagnosis (self-diagnosis) autism thing and gain some perspective on my life. I already told my dad I'm autistic (he's... trying to understand), that I need to be alone, that I didn't come down here as a vacation or even to spend time with him, I came down here for bad reasons (running away from my old life) and I came here to work on myself. I didn't ask to come down here, he offered the guesthouse down the street for me to move in to if I 'needed a break' from life in Canada.

I get the feeling his offer was selfish on his part because he seems to want to replace all of my life in Canada with only him. It is really irritating me. I literally moved two countries away from people, to be alone. I've told him this. Multiple times. The problem I have right now is how to express to him he is too much in my life. (from his view he thinks he is barely in my life). Maybe that's impossible, because I know on the neurotypical level I am being unreasonable. It seems the closer you are to your parents, the more they want to talk to/see you? I already have dinner with him (and his wife) once a week on Sundays, but even that is too much for me. I told him my preference is once a month. He said, well that's not reasonable. So I said I would try to make once a week work. But now, every time he contacts me or asks to spend time with me or whenever I go over for Sunday dinner, I am full of resentment that I have to do something I don't want to do. The dinners are a 50/50 on whether they are pleasant because he can get pretty patronizing and controlling over what I should do with me life, and I don't want to go over for dinner and spend the whole time defending myself.

Now, I don't want to ignore my dad forever and I love him dearly. But I would like our interactions to be more positive for me. I want to look forward to seeing him, and I want to be the one reaching out to him every now and then and asking for social time. But he doesn't give me the opportunity because he is constantly asking. Multiple times a week, do you want to join us for dinner, let's go to this place, we are going into the city for x, y, z, join us. For that to happen, I need time away. For more context, when I was living up in Canada, we would have a video call once every 3 months or so. So this is a huge adjustment to his expectations of spending time together. Some would say moving to Mexico is a big change and why didn't that derail me, but that was my choice and somehow that's easier to deal with than this daily pressure to spend time with him when I really really really need time on my own to repair.

The other thing I am struggling with is, some people would do anything to get this love and attention from a distant parent. Who am I to deny my dad from showering me with all this? I feel guilty about it, because all he wants is to spend time with me, but it is literally feeding this little ball of hate in me. I don't want to have that ball of hate, but I can't help how I feel. I can't help but be overstimulated and it is slowly getting worse and more difficult for me to deal with.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like my nerve endings are burning up and I might explode in anger soon.

 

[magicspiritbliss]

You are not being selfish. Setting clear boundaries is important your well being.

 

[Hypnalis]

Both parties equally responsible.

If you can't walk away from your living situation (sounds like you're financially dependent?) you have a problem that has a very good chance of blocking a renegotiation.

If you're 100% independent and self-sufficient, you need to have a real discussion about goals, expectations, boundaries etc.
And, I suspect, about the change in your relationship from parent/child to equal adults (for practical things).

If you're dependent, take say a year, and make fixing that your highest practical priority.

Another guess: a lot of people state their boundaries as preferences. This is playing to lose.

If it's negotiable, it's not a boundary.
If it's a boundary, you react when it's crossed, and you don't play around. "Check" immediately, unambiguously, and with the right amount of forcefulness (so now and then it will be uncomfortable). But always politely, and always as calmly as possible, and politely.

This is much harder with a person you're dependent on of course, hence my earlier suggestion.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I know those feelings very well. You're not selfish. It's very hard to deal with the emotional discrepancies of having loved ones continuously overstepping your boundaries, and them doing this "out of love" doesn't make it any more comfortable, on the contrary.

Both you and your father have valid reasons for your behavior. You want to take a break from everything, unwind and focus on working on yourself, and the geographical proximity to your father is purely coincidental. Your father is probably glad that, after a long time of only little contact, you live closer now again. Also, he is probably worried about your burnout and about you leaving everything behind, and his overbearingness is very probably his attempt to show concern and his wanting to help you. Maybe he is even worried about your emotional/physical safety and his checking in daily is making sure you're alright?

It's usually very difficult for people with the mindset "family sticks together, we need to spend lots of time with each other as a family, I have to physically support my child right now, they are struggling and they need me" to understand people with the mindset "please everyone leave me alone and let me unwind, yes that includes family too", and vice versa.
I am more the latter and my family is more the former, so I understand you very well.

It seems to me that talking to your father again is inevitable. Maybe you could meet halfway. You could try to open up more to your father about what is going on with you, and ask him on the other hand to respect your wish for more privacy. I wouldn't keep trying to explain to him that you didn't move there to have more contact with him, and that you don't want to see him. That doesn't seem to reach him the way you intend it, and is probably only hurtful. Maybe try a different approach, something like "I appreciate your concern, but it stresses me very much if you drop by unannounced and contact me daily. Maybe we can agree on having lunch together once a week and talking on the phone/sending a message once in between that, and leave it at that for now, unless it's a real emergency?"

Of course, this is all with the thought in mind that you want to maintain a good relationship to your father. I am pretty used to navigating that. You could, of course, also act more forceful and less considerate, but that might result in permanent damage to the relationship.

 

[Hypnalis]

I agree it's not selfish, but "selfish" is a complicated state.

People who don't look out for their own interests will certainly be taken advantage of.
The trick as a civilized adult to to balance your own needs and wants against those of everyone around you.

So you can absolutely have too much unselfishness. So when you feel you're on the back foot you set selfishness aside (temporarily) as a consideration.
Switch to "What do I need; what do I want". Figure that out in detail. Then go back and test it for too much selfishness.
Balance it up, then move on to boundaries.

BTW: Narcs are fond of attributing selfishness to others when they try to assert their boundaries.
If someone calls you selfish, first test them. If they're obviously projecting their bad behavior onto you (another narc favorite) check them at once.

Technique-wise, this is another occasion for applying "Don't JADE". If someone (anyone) tries to "walk on your face" it's a duty to yourself to trip them up so they fall over
But always politely and reasonably of course. Drama doesn't help in general, but especially not against narcs. They're permanently in denial about other people's rights. What hurts is

 

[Xinyta]

Here's the heart of the issue: I really need time alone, as in I don't even want to be contacted or asked how I am doing or anything. I only have the energy to text with a few friends, and that's on a very irregular basis (which they are all totally fine with. I can go days without responding and it's respected). I currently live down the street from my dad and his wife (my stepmom). My dad contacts me on an almost daily basis, and sometimes comes over for things like property maintenance. The expectation is that, since I'm down the street not really doing anything, I respond promptly. Sometimes he will message me and call on multiple messaging apps if I don't respond right away because he needs an answer right away. It's gotten to the point that I get anxiety every time my phone pings with the Whatsapp sound and I've already had a few meltdowns the last few weeks, and at the centre of my irritability is my dad who won't leave me alone.

And here's some background. I moved from Canada to Mexico, where my dad is, about four months ago in the middle of a major autistic burnout. One that meant I took a leave of absence from my job, ended my romantic relationship, and I have pretty much stopped communicating with a lot of people from Canada. I really needed to cut everyone out 'from my past' in order to figure out this whole late-diagnosis (self-diagnosis) autism thing and gain some perspective on my life. I already told my dad I'm autistic (he's... trying to understand), that I need to be alone, that I didn't come down here as a vacation or even to spend time with him, I came down here for bad reasons (running away from my old life) and I came here to work on myself. I didn't ask to come down here, he offered the guesthouse down the street for me to move in to if I 'needed a break' from life in Canada.

I get the feeling his offer was selfish on his part because he seems to want to replace all of my life in Canada with only him. It is really irritating me. I literally moved two countries away from people, to be alone. I've told him this. Multiple times. The problem I have right now is how to express to him he is too much in my life. (from his view he thinks he is barely in my life). Maybe that's impossible, because I know on the neurotypical level I am being unreasonable. It seems the closer you are to your parents, the more they want to talk to/see you? I already have dinner with him (and his wife) once a week on Sundays, but even that is too much for me. I told him my preference is once a month. He said, well that's not reasonable. So I said I would try to make once a week work. But now, every time he contacts me or asks to spend time with me or whenever I go over for Sunday dinner, I am full of resentment that I have to do something I don't want to do. The dinners are a 50/50 on whether they are pleasant because he can get pretty patronizing and controlling over what I should do with me life, and I don't want to go over for dinner and spend the whole time defending myself.

Now, I don't want to ignore my dad forever and I love him dearly. But I would like our interactions to be more positive for me. I want to look forward to seeing him, and I want to be the one reaching out to him every now and then and asking for social time. But he doesn't give me the opportunity because he is constantly asking. Multiple times a week, do you want to join us for dinner, let's go to this place, we are going into the city for x, y, z, join us. For that to happen, I need time away. For more context, when I was living up in Canada, we would have a video call once every 3 months or so. So this is a huge adjustment to his expectations of spending time together. Some would say moving to Mexico is a big change and why didn't that derail me, but that was my choice and somehow that's easier to deal with than this daily pressure to spend time with him when I really really really need time on my own to repair.

The other thing I am struggling with is, some people would do anything to get this love and attention from a distant parent. Who am I to deny my dad from showering me with all this? I feel guilty about it, because all he wants is to spend time with me, but it is literally feeding this little ball of hate in me. I don't want to have that ball of hate, but I can't help how I feel. I can't help but be overstimulated and it is slowly getting worse and more difficult for me to deal with.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like my nerve endings are burning up and I might explode in anger soon.

I'll admit. This is outside my wheelhouse. I do not have, what you have going on. I'll try anyway.

From what it sounds like. Your father is a very caring man and means well. He likely thinks you need more help, than you want from him. @AuroraBorealis stated better than I ever could.

But @Hypnalis has a point with boundaries. You need to be willing to set firm personal boundaries and stand strong with them. Well all need our personal space and time alone. NT or ND. And sometimes people impede on that, thinking they are doing it to help. It's honestly a flaw of humanity, but a good flaw to have. Being caring to a fault.

It's certainly better to the alternative. A world I've had to live myself. More so with my stepmother and her mother, than my Dad. I know my Dad cares and loves me in his unusual way, but I think he doesn't know what to do to connect with me. He just kinda has accepted my closed off, childish persona. Say that it's 'just my son'. Even though I am more than I've allowed myself to be. Something he doesn't see.

Anyway. Don't be too hard on yourself or your Dad. He is trying and wants to understand. You are not a mean person/bad person for wanting boundaries. But also refrain from turning it into something that it doesn't need to be. If you can, try to reach a middle ground with him. And be sure to be as clear as you can. Write down what you want to say and how you want to say it, if that helps. Any other methods you have at your disposal will work too.

 

[Tom]

'Beggers can't be chosey' comes to mind.

But the main issue I think is just not speaking the same thinking language. Until you can get to the point where he understands you (and of course vice-versa) I think it would be best if you be extra tolerant and giving of your time. Its an expenditure of extra energy, but probably better then the energy needed to repair a damaged relationship. It is easy for people to interpret autistic behavior as selfish or excessively peevish.

 

[Beanfinity]

Both parties equally responsible.

If you can't walk away from your living situation (sounds like you're financially dependent?) you have a problem that has a very good chance of blocking a renegotiation.

If you're 100% independent and self-sufficient, you need to have a real discussion about goals, expectations, boundaries etc.
And, I suspect, about the change in your relationship from parent/child to equal adults (for practical things).

If you're dependent, take say a year, and make fixing that your highest practical priority.

Another guess: a lot of people state their boundaries as preferences. This is playing to lose.

If it's negotiable, it's not a boundary.
If it's a boundary, you react when it's crossed, and you don't play around. "Check" immediately, unambiguously, and with the right amount of forcefulness (so now and then it will be uncomfortable). But always politely, and always as calmly as possible, and politely.

This is much harder with a person you're dependent on of course, hence my earlier suggestion.

The only thing I rely on him for at the moment is the place to live, and to borrow the car every now and then for errands. I pay for living expenses on my own. My leave of absence from work is temporary, I am planning to move back in just a few months.

This is part of his reason for monopolizing my time, because I am not here for much longer, so he wants to see me more. I understand this, an opportunity for quality time like this probably won't happen again, or not for a long time. The problem is, it is not 'quality' time for me and the benefits are solely for him at this point. I am struggling with whether that is fair.

Boundaries is definitely something I need to work on. A serious discussion where i am more firm is probably needed.

Thank you for responding and offering your insight, I appreciate it!

 

[Beanfinity]

I know those feelings very well. You're not selfish. It's very hard to deal with the emotional discrepancies of having loved ones continuously overstepping your boundaries, and them doing this "out of love" doesn't make it any more comfortable, on the contrary.

Both you and your father have valid reasons for your behavior. You want to take a break from everything, unwind and focus on working on yourself, and the geographical proximity to your father is purely coincidental. Your father is probably glad that, after a long time of only little contact, you live closer now again. Also, he is probably worried about your burnout and about you leaving everything behind, and his overbearingness is very probably his attempt to show concern and his wanting to help you. Maybe he is even worried about your emotional/physical safety and his checking in daily is making sure you're alright?

It's usually very difficult for people with the mindset "family sticks together, we need to spend lots of time with each other as a family, I have to physically support my child right now, they are struggling and they need me" to understand people with the mindset "please everyone leave me alone and let me unwind, yes that includes family too", and vice versa.
I am more the latter and my family is more the former, so I understand you very well.

It seems to me that talking to your father again is inevitable. Maybe you could meet halfway. You could try to open up more to your father about what is going on with you, and ask him on the other hand to respect your wish for more privacy. I wouldn't keep trying to explain to him that you didn't move there to have more contact with him, and that you don't want to see him. That doesn't seem to reach him the way you intend it, and is probably only hurtful. Maybe try a different approach, something like "I appreciate your concern, but it stresses me very much if you drop by unannounced and contact me daily. Maybe we can agree on having lunch together once a week and talking on the phone/sending a message once in between that, and leave it at that for now, unless it's a real emergency?"

Of course, this is all with the thought in mind that you want to maintain a good relationship to your father. I am pretty used to navigating that. You could, of course, also act more forceful and less considerate, but that might result in permanent damage to the relationship.

I appreciate the advice, I tend to have trouble wording things in a... better way? I tend to be very blunt and straightforward. Your suggestions are helpful.

He has expressed his is more worried about me now, and I have said that doesn't help me and only stresses him out more. If I need him, I will reach out. He is not responsible for me (now as I am an adult. As a parent, I understand he will always feel responsible). I've told him I don't have anything to say when I am doing well, so asking me 'how's it going' will yield nothing from me but an 'I'm ok'. I don't keep a constant summary of how I am doing every day, so I don't have anything to say.

I know I need to speak with him again. He is already meeting me halfway (possibly more than halfway in his mind), and I am already reaching beyond my fullway limit. I am afraid he won't understand... then again, I've always tried to dampen my extreme needs so as not to offend. Perhaps I do need to open up more and fully explain what I am going through, rather than just asking for more respect for boundaries he doesn't understand.

Thank you for your response

 

[Beanfinity]

I agree it's not selfish, but "selfish" is a complicated state.

People who don't look out for their own interests will certainly be taken advantage of.
The trick as a civilized adult to to balance your own needs and wants against those of everyone around you.

So you can absolutely have too much unselfishness. So when you feel you're on the back foot you set selfishness aside (temporarily) as a consideration.
Switch to "What do I need; what do I want". Figure that out in detail. Then go back and test it for too much selfishness.
Balance it up, then move on to boundaries.

BTW: Narcs are fond of attributing selfishness to others when they try to assert their boundaries.
If someone calls you selfish, first test them. If they're obviously projecting their bad behavior onto you (another narc favorite) check them at once.

Technique-wise, this is another occasion for applying "Don't JADE". If someone (anyone) tries to "walk on your face" it's a duty to yourself to trip them up so they fall over
But always politely and reasonably of course. Drama doesn't help in general, but especially not against narcs. They're permanently in denial about other people's rights. What hurts is

I think your post got cut off at the end there? Feel free to reply and finish your thought if you want.

In response to what you have said re narcs (narcissists), i don't think my dad is a narc, clinically, but he is certainly 'egocentric'. He has strong opinions and won't budge even if you reasonably counter what he says. He can only see things from his perspective. He thinks he's right all the time. He can be cobsiderate, but it's obvious that he would rather not be and is only being considerate to make someone else happy (by behaviour, expression, or snide comments). He's aware of these flaws tho, but he sometimes gets carried away and gets too pushy. His wife reminds him and tempers him and he can back off to see more than his own narrow view, and I believe she is the reason why this issue hasn't gotten worse.

All of these qualities make establishing boundaries very difficult. It doesn't help that when I am not understood in a conversation, I get flustered and emotional and lose the ability to articulate my thoughts.

You've given me some food for thought re boundaries. Thank you for your response!

 

[Beanfinity]

I'll admit. This is outside my wheelhouse. I do not have, what you have going on. I'll try anyway.

From what it sounds like. Your father is a very caring man and means well. He likely thinks you need more help, than you want from him. @AuroraBorealis stated better than I ever could.

But @Hypnalis has a point with boundaries. You need to be willing to set firm personal boundaries and stand strong with them. Well all need our personal space and time alone. NT or ND. And sometimes people impede on that, thinking they are doing it to help. It's honestly a flaw of humanity, but a good flaw to have. Being caring to a fault.

It's certainly better to the alternative. A world I've had to live myself. More so with my stepmother and her mother, than my Dad. I know my Dad cares and loves me in his unusual way, but I think he doesn't know what to do to connect with me. He just kinda has accepted my closed off, childish persona. Say that it's 'just my son'. Even though I am more than I've allowed myself to be. Something he doesn't see.

Anyway. Don't be too hard on yourself or your Dad. He is trying and wants to understand. You are not a mean person/bad person for wanting boundaries. But also refrain from turning it into something that it doesn't need to be. If you can, try to reach a middle ground with him. And be sure to be as clear as you can. Write down what you want to say and how you want to say it, if that helps. Any other methods you have at your disposal will work too.

Hmm writing things down helps me a lot. I've just never thought to bring the paper out in a conversation. These discussions tend to derail and it's hard to bring it back to the real issues, but if I had an agenda of sorts, then I could remember what we're actually talking about.

Something I've been wondering myself is that, he wants to connect with me more, but i am just not that kind of person. Or we are just not as compatible as he thinks or wants us to be. That this is the most closeness our relationship will ever have, and he needs to accept that rather than wanting for more. I think his desire for more is coming from a certain unhappiness with his life. It is a bad habit of my family to look to me when they are unhappy with something else in their life, especially my dad. But I'm not responsible for his happiness. I'll contribute where I can, but i can't be the only thing/source.

I Know you said this is not your wheelhouse, but what you've shared has helped. I will try not to be too hard on myself, or my dad. Thank you.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I appreciate the advice, I tend to have trouble wording things in a... better way? I tend to be very blunt and straightforward. Your suggestions are helpful.

He has expressed his is more worried about me now, and I have said that doesn't help me and only stresses him out more. If I need him, I will reach out. He is not responsible for me (now as I am an adult. As a parent, I understand he will always feel responsible). I've told him I don't have anything to say when I am doing well, so asking me 'how's it going' will yield nothing from me but an 'I'm ok'. I don't keep a constant summary of how I am doing every day, so I don't have anything to say.

I know I need to speak with him again. He is already meeting me halfway (possibly more than halfway in his mind), and I am already reaching beyond my fullway limit. I am afraid he won't understand... then again, I've always tried to dampen my extreme needs so as not to offend. Perhaps I do need to open up more and fully explain what I am going through, rather than just asking for more respect for boundaries he doesn't understand.

Thank you for your response

Hi again, I am fairly good at wording things carefully and diplomatically, especially in written form when I have some time to think about them. If you need some advice on how to word something specific, feel free to message me and I will try to help out.

It is a very tricky situation. I definitely understand the feeling that he's already meeting you halfway, but you're still overstepping your boundaries and spending more energy than you have. It's really hard when people have so fundamentally different needs.

Also, the replies to your father which you wrote here sound very reasonable and understandable from my (and probably a more autistic) point of view, but to (NT) parents, they sound harsh and like a rejection of their love. I have a very emotional and "overparenting" person in my in-law family who also has a very hard time not taking it personally when we have to tell her to please back off a bit. She never wants to be alone and projects this on those around her. It's never badly intended, but that doesn't make it easier. Some people find it harder than others to accept that different people (and their own children, their blood, their offspring! *drama off) have very different needs than they do.

 

[Xinyta]

Hmm writing things down helps me a lot. I've just never thought to bring the paper out in a conversation. These discussions tend to derail and it's hard to bring it back to the real issues, but if I had an agenda of sorts, then I could remember what we're actually talking about.

You don't nessissarily have to bring paper and pen to the conversation itself, nor bring the complete plan with you to it. Unless you want to do that.

It's more something more for personal time. In my book, anyway. Writing down your thoughts. Plan out responses to things you know your father will say or ask. Things of that sort. Something to help provide a contingency, incase things do go off the rails for either of you.

Something I've been wondering myself is that, he wants to connect with me more, but i am just not that kind of person. Or we are just not as compatible as he thinks or wants us to be. That this is the most closeness our relationship will ever have, and he needs to accept that rather than wanting for more. I think his desire for more is coming from a certain unhappiness with his life. It is a bad habit of my family to look to me when they are unhappy with something else in their life, especially my dad. But I'm not responsible for his happiness. I'll contribute where I can, but i can't be the only thing/source.

That's something I considered, but choose to not touch on. Namely because it's your family's life and your connection with them. That kind info is none of my business, even if willingly shared.

But it would make sense that he is compensating for his own unhappiness. But I do still feel there is a genuineness behind it. So that would complicate things considerably.

Having a limited connection with a parent, or parents, isn't strictly a NT to ND, ND to NT thing. Everyone has similar issues, in some regard, like that. But differences allow for the things you do have in common, to get stronger. But you are correct that it's not your job to make people happy. Parents or no. Everyone has to work out things for themselves. Some can do it and look in the mirror. Others, like my parents, cannot/will not. You cannot help those that can't or won't.

 

[Beanfinity]

'Beggers can't be chosey' comes to mind.

But the main issue I think is just not speaking the same thinking language. Until you can get to the point where he understands you (and of course vice-versa) I think it would be best if you be extra tolerant and giving of your time. Its an expenditure of extra energy, but probably better then the energy needed to repair a damaged relationship. It is easy for people to interpret autistic behavior as selfish or excessively peevish.

I see where you're coming from, and I have used the same logic myself for most of my life. That exact thinking is what has led me to this burnout. "I just need to be a little tolerant, temporarily, until I get a break, until something lets up so I can mend." The problem is, it never lets up. My daily life has been unrelenting. I've been tolerant for 30 years. Whenever someone offers me 'help', it's never genuine. There is always some payment in return, that is never explicitly stated (as is the neurotypical fashion). Had I known before I would have prepared differently, or perhaps chosen not to come down at all and taken my leave in Canada. Mexico wasn't my only choice, but it was certainly painted as an oasis of isolation and thus seemed to be the best option for me. This is one of the very few times (perhaps the first time) in my life I am trying to put myself first.

If I am extra tolerant and giving of my time, this will also damage the relationship from my end. I will become bitter and I will need an extra long break, after moving back to Canada, from speaking with my dad. Knowing how things usually go in relationships, once he gets used to monopolizing my time, he won't want to let that go just because I move back to Canada. In my view, being tolerant is not a sustainable solution for myself or the relationship.

In that sense, I have to pick my poison for how much and in what way I want to damage/maintain/better this relationship (cup half full or half empty kind of perspective). Do I be tolerant and become hateful towards interacting with my father, and in the end he is the only one happy in this relationship? Or do I create firm boundaries that ultimately hurt him, but gives the relationship a greater chance of survival in the long run? This is the conundrum I find myself in.

 

[Beanfinity]

Hi again, I am fairly good at wording things carefully and diplomatically, especially in written form when I have some time to think about them. If you need some advice on how to word something specific, feel free to message me and I will try to help out.

It is a very tricky situation. I definitely understand the feeling that he's already meeting you halfway, but you're still overstepping your boundaries and spending more energy than you have. It's really hard when people have so fundamentally different needs.

Also, the replies to your father which you wrote here sound very reasonable and understandable from my (and probably a more autistic) point of view, but to (NT) parents, they sound harsh and like a rejection of their love. I have a very emotional and "overparenting" person in my in-law family who also has a very hard time not taking it personally when we have to tell her to please back off a bit. She never wants to be alone and projects this on those around her. It's never badly intended, but that doesn't make it easier. Some people find it harder than others to accept that different people (and their own children, their blood, their offspring! *drama off) have very different needs than they do.

Thank you for the offer, I may take you up on that after I have had a think about the replies/advice I have received.

I am in a... different family situation. The short of it all is that I am adopted. That extra bit of, 'but we share genetics, we should be more alike' doesn't come into play here. However, my adoptive parents have always done their best to ignore the reality of the situation, in a 'good-intentions' effort to make us kids feel like we are part of a 'normal' family. The downside to that being I ignored my own un-normalness because that's what my parents did. In my dad's effort to treat my like a blood relative, he's a little blind to what factually and substantively separates us.

 

[Beanfinity]

You don't nessissarily have to bring paper and pen to the conversation itself, nor bring the complete plan with you to it. Unless you want to do that.

It's more something more for personal time. In my book, anyway. Writing down your thoughts. Plan out responses to things you know your father will say or ask. Things of that sort. Something to help provide a contingency, incase things do go off the rails for either of you.

Oh, I see. I was wondering what the reaction might be if I whip out a piece of paper in front of my dad lol I do like planning or 'scripting' social situations. I've never thought to write it down because I thought it was weird enough that I went through it in my head. An NT notion that is still stuck in my brain. I'll try writing things down!