Overconfidence

[Angular Chap]

Do you ever get OVER confident and end up making mistakes? I've done this in 3 ways:

First, have you ever gone somewhere for the first time and been nervous, not knowing what to expect, worried about making a fool of yourself, only to have everything go well and come home thinking "I don't know what I was worried about!" Then be far less nervous and much more confident the next time you go because the first time went so well...

...only to go to the wrong building, go in the wrong door, say the wrong thing to the wrong person and make a fool of yourself because you got overconfident and let your guard down? Didn't consider that the procedure had changed since last time you were there? I used to do that all the time before I noticed a pattern and it clicked that something was "wrong."

Secondly, have you ever been having a social encounter, or maybe multiple social encounters back to back that have been going so well you think to yourself "maybe my social skills are improving!" or "maybe this whole social thing isn't as bad as I keep thinking" Maybe you made a phone call that you were nervous about, it went spectacularly well and rather than experiencing burnout, you instead felt elated and it spurred you on out of your comfort zone...

...only to try too hard, push too far and make a big mistake, embarrass yourself and come across as weird (or at least more so than the usual base line ), rude, disrespectful or insensitive? I've even done that on here. (Sorry ❤)

Thirdly, have you ever felt safe and confident enough to unmask, even a little, only to get laughed at or shouted at? Needed to quickly put the mask back on even tighter, like a soldier donning a respirator during a gas attack? Been there, just yesterday in fact.

Since I came out to my close family about being autistic, I've been hearing the same phrase a lot "It's just a confidence thing" and I keep having to explain to people that it's not "just a confidence thing" for me, there is a whole other issue of COMPETENCE. I still have to make sure I don't get overconfident when things are going well, let my incompetence shine through and at best embarrass myself and at worst genuinely upset other people.

 

[Outdated]

I do these sorts of things so often that it doesn't really phase me any more. I'm usually pretty quick at recovering with a smile and possibly a lame joke about myself. Sometimes people comment that it's nice to see that I am actually human after all.

 

[Sasha22]

I keep having to explain to people that it's not "just a confidence thing" for me, there is a whole other issue of COMPETENCE

I completely agree with you there. One example came to mind: when I started playing drums, I would start learning a new song. At first I didn't know it, I was awkward, not exactly in sync, and then pretty quickly and suddenly "hey, I got it!" and I'd feel really proud and super confident, lower my guard... and mess it up completely.

My teacher at the time told me that it was simply because I hadn't practiced enough. So sure, I "got it", but I hadn't really learned it. So I could still lose it quickly. I had lowered my guard way before it was time for that Way before I was at the level that would allow me not to pay very close attention anymore.

So I agree with you: competence, and practice, work, work, work. Otherwise, the house of cards falls easily - and if it does, of course, you can convert it into a learning experience and try again until you get it right.

 

[Misery]

I'm usually pretty good about this sort of thing in terms of social situations, as I'm naturally quiet and defensive IRL, so I keep mostly to myself and am unobtrusive. But every now and then I'll do the opposite. Like I remember one time when I was in some place, behind people in some line, they were waiting to do a particular thing, I just wanted to leave but they were in the way. Eventually my patience snapped and I just abruptly left the line, went right through the "hey dont come over here unless you're an employee" bit to get to the front, and then left that way. Yeah, I do stuff like that sometimes.

Also I have these total airhead moments every now and then. Like the time I spent a full 5 minutes trying to open a hotel room door, the stupid thing just wouldnt register, only to realize... I'm trying to open it with my car remote. Full 5 minutes to realize that.

There's also the time I tried to make a sandwich with toothpaste instead of cheese... yeah I dont know how that one happened. Like I said, "airhead moments".


And yes, unmasking can be... problematic. In my case, the ol' autism mask is merged with my gender mask, so... yeah, taking that off is a bit of an issue.

 

[Aspychata]

I screw up, so no, no confidence. Because l can't unmask. People are just weird lately. So you can't slip up and say something stupid, because people are going to think l am directing a comment at them, when l just was a idiot. I just told my mom, hey l say stupid stuff. Don't get upset. Just laughing and being kickback is no longer. People are so uptight.

 

[Judge]

Socially speaking ? LOL......HELL NO.

 

[Boogs]

#1: Alllll the time! You mean there's someone who doesn't???
#2: Can't remember socialising with anyone but the tiny handful of friends, who having no understanding, equally have no judgement (they know I'm nuts) but seem to appreciate my company for some weird reason (and they say I'm strange!).
#3: Not that I can recall at all.

And as for coming out, the only people it would ever have helped knowing about my condition, are long dead and gone. What a waste! Life can be so jam packed with irony! If only I could sell or eat it.

 

[Wolfnox]

yep. Especially after the caffeine hits. I’m basically a super sayian wolf in my head. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

i can honestly state that i do not ever suffer from overconfidence.

if anything i try my best, but brace for the worst. and any fallout, i try and contain on my own.

 

[Sasha22]

I have jolts of self-confidence like this sometimes, where I feel like I saw the light, am on top of the world and I get it all. And then suddenly something happens to contradict that, and I catastrophize. But then, even though I feel bad for a while, I generally reap some kind of reward afterward. With time I learn to catastrophize less and to better channel the jolts of self-confidence. These are just learning experiences. Missteps mean that you are moving and that is good - they are definitely no reason to back down. Even if you embarrass yourself, it's better than hiding out. I've learned that good things happen after that point, and that it's better to just own the embarrassment - helps move more quickly beyond it.

 

[Rodafina]

Thirdly, have you ever felt safe and confident enough to unmask, even a little, only to get laughed at or shouted at? Needed to quickly put the mask back on even tighter, like a soldier donning a respirator during a gas attack?

Definitely. It stings so bad.

 

[Luca]

The worst situation of this nature that I always end up in is something like this:

I meet a new group of people, and initially we seem to hit it off really well and the conversation flowed really well, etc, so I come away from it thinking I could potentially be friends with them, so I go back to the same group and behave exactly the same way.
But my interactions with them going forward are just downhill from there, once there's any indication of the mask being off I start to get either bullied, or ostracized, or people become vocal about not liking me.

This is why I have such a constant revolving door of groups of irl friends, and it's exhausting. I wish I could meet a group of people that just like me the way I am, and I don't have to anticipate it ending this way inevitably. But this is why I often say that I believe friendships are transient. People really enjoy me on the surface but no one seems to want to be around for the long haul.

 

[Jacks Brain]

IMO most of these people with "confidence" can't justify it. It would be more accurate to say they are fakers.

 

[Boogs]

Just looked up a definition of the word "confidence".
A typical result:

confidence
kŏn′fĭ-dəns

noun​

1. A belief or conviction that an outcome will be favorable.
2. Belief in the certainty of something.
3. Belief in the effectiveness of one's own abilities or in one's favorable acceptance by others; self-confidence.

---

Well well well! Each of the three definitions in this site start with the word "Belief"!
That's rather telling, no? A belief is, and indeed can only be subjective? Many people may follow the same belief, but each will likely have their own slightly different interpretation.

So confidence has maybe less to do with the ability of a person, but more their perceived ability.
Personally, it comes across as a very different thing.

I'm guessing it's the third defn that most are talking about here, and that's about the speakers belief of their own abilities and how they are received by their audience. But the way it's stated here, is very much to do with one's own opinion, not one's received opinion (from others). Or as it actually says: self-confidence.

So is confidence, at least as defined here, just a subjective opinion of one person, presumably based on their perceived reception of their public actions? We're presumably not talking about professional performers of whatever sort, just 'ordinary' people (quotes = my dislike of word but having nothing better to use) in normal socialising events? Their opinions of their own confidence, whether conscious or subconscious (or both more likely) are unlikely to be very accurate, but they have the common advantage of their type that they and their similar's can automatically 'smooth over the cracks' in their communication inconsistencies. Maybe if they didn't have that inaccurate view, they'd rarely have the confidence to speak? Maybe like some of us?

 

[Boogs]

The worst situation of this nature that I always end up in is something like this:

I meet a new group of people, and initially we seem to hit it off really well and the conversation flowed really well, etc, so I come away from it thinking I could potentially be friends with them, so I go back to the same group and behave exactly the same way.
But my interactions with them going forward are just downhill from there, once there's any indication of the mask being off I start to get either bullied, or ostracized, or people become vocal about not liking me.

This is why I have such a constant revolving door of groups of irl friends, and it's exhausting. I wish I could meet a group of people that just like me the way I am, and I don't have to anticipate it ending this way inevitably. But this is why I often say that I believe friendships are transient. People really enjoy me on the surface but no one seems to want to be around for the long haul.

For what it's worth (and whether my experiences even have any validity to you), I've been fortunate to have a small number of good friends for the last 40-odd years. Not many, maybe 4 still alive, but these friends have stuck with me, knowing little about my mental make-up (as little as I knew for most of that time), but whatever their reasons, have persisted in giving the benefit of the doubt when most would have given up on me.
There's little understanding beyond the knowledge that there's little understanding, and I frustrate the heck out of them sometimes, as they can do to me, but it's been that constant that's the most valuable thing I think. The non-judgemental acceptance, even though lacking understanding, makes for a little self-confidence that I'm not universally disliked, and maybe more than that, there's at least someone around who won' mess me about deliberately, and will, even if not sure why, will do me the courtesy of at least accepting I ain't the same as they are.

That said though, it's not a bed of roses by any means, and sometimes the frustrations of dysfunctional communications, can be difficult, and sometimes feeling excluded from a small group that I should never feel excluded from. This probably sounds like I'm just too expectant and maybe too demanding? I can't tell, but that could be a factor. Bottom line though, I relish their loyalty, and it's something I've found little of being returned to meet my own loyalty to others, so I have to be careful not to take for granted from those few friends. Also, by necessity, there are others in the group who are not so close, but because they've been welcomed in by my friends, it's incumbent of me to treat them the same, but here things start to get much more difficult, and especially when they behave in ways that I read as disrespectful and they on their side, take what I say as negative, and in many cases (more often than not I'd guess) they take it extremely personally (even though it isn't). They don't understand, but they don't understand that they don't understand, so it appears the automatic default position is: "This person has dissed me! I can't explain how, but that must mean they've said something truly horrible about me, or to me" (or something very similar), so that's what I'll assume, even thought I don't actually know.

I guess it must be nice to be bathed in the certainty of your own rightness. Ignorance is bliss? Damn right!
But so are other ultimately negative things. And why should our definition of good, be what's right for us?
Evolution would suggest otherwise.
Sugar can be so sweet, but not so healthy.

 

[Rogue Princess]

It's like riding a bike. Every time I think I've got it downpat, I hit a bump in the road and I crash. Usually Infront of traffic.

A very literal analogy for me. I don't ride bikes anymore

 

[Boogs]

Taking the two-wheeled theme ...
I wonder if that's why I love motorbikes so much - so easy to leave everything behind, just dots in the mirror? With a huge burst of adrenalin at the same time, and the feeling of being in the zone, unlike with people - the opposite.
I never liked bicycles in town and city, just felt hemmed in and forced into other peoples routes and paths, having to go to others, not let them have to come to me (bit self-centred, I know), just like socialising in some ways, and all for the lack of power. And the alternative on a bicycle, ride really rudely, even dangerously, and disrespect everyone else, just like some people I know behave in social situations.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

I’m sure I have many points in my life, usually as complacency and being non-chalant.

I prefer ideally to be quiet confident, know what I’m capable of, but not be overly arrogant about it.

 

[Boogs]

If dealing with something I know I'm good at, especially things most others are not good at, my confidence can be very high, or maybe I should say self-confidence? Probably a bit of both.

But the moment my work meets other people, the technical meets the biological, that's when all bets are off and my confidence is defenestrated like a Russian oligarch in the presidents bad books!