Ow, right in the childhood

[Raggamuffin]

Dad fell out his wheelchair yesterday and couldn't get up. It's happened many times. He's not a cripple, he's weak in his legs, and these days spends most of the day sat in an armchair or wheelchair for mobilisation. I knew in the call with my mum that he was ok and simply couldn't stand. Last time it happened I managed to haul him up and to the bed.

I was in Cambridge which was 30 minutes away. As soon as I said that mum said not to bother coming. But I also knew she could get help from neighbours, or my brother or his wife to visit. Failing that an ambulance. I knew in my gut he wasn't in any danger, and my mum said he simply couldn't get up.

Got home - ambulance outside. I peeked (unseen) into the conservatory. Paramedics were chatting with my mum in the garden and getting ready to leave. Dad was fine and was chatting with my sister in law there and the kids. All's well.

This morning I say good morning to dad. Asked how he was "Not good." He was fine, it's his mood that wasn't good. Said I should've come home yesterday, even though he then said even if I couldn't have got him up. Said I just left my mum their with her anxiety. Truth be told my mum has been an anxious wreck for as long as I've known her. Me simply walking into a room is either met with her jumping out her skin, or greeting me with utter contempt and anger for me even being in the room. Let's be honest here - my dad's fall wasn't my fault, neither was my mum's usual high anxiety. Might sound cold, but that's simply a matter of fact. Also, when I stated where I was, my mum immediately told me it was ok and not to come home.

This is the 3rd or 4th time in the past few years that this monologue has occurred. They said more of the same:

I don't care about them.
I didn't sound concerned on the phone when mum said dad couldn't stand up.
I care more about friends than my parents.
I didn't ask how he was.
I just use them.
I don't buy him Father's Day cards or presents (haven't in 15+ years, why throw that at me now).
Mum said - "I know you have issues, but none of that is our fault."

I made breakfast this morning, spoke with mum. Her default was in play - seeming p'd off as soon as I walk in the room. I've had this for years, and to say it makes me tense and apprehensive is an understatement. But she waited until dad was in the room to start the accusations. Then after her gaslighting about none of my issues being their fault she said "You can just stand their with a puzzled look on your face." Before continuing to lay accuse me of more things.

I just stood there in silence and took it. As standing my ground with my parents is always ill advised. Thing is, when the van is done, I wish to go my own way. Yet cutting them off will cement their beliefs that I'm a bad and uncaring son. But I'm not going to attempt to salvage a relationship with my parents. With my mum pursuing being a medium she's predicted all sorts for the future - numerous things (including when my dad would die) have been incorrect. But she's told me where I'll be living, who I'll end up being with, and other aspects of my life. Tricky to feel like she wants to lay out my own life for me.

There's a reason why I've been so actively avoidant of my parents since a teenager. And how I mastered sneaking and skulking around the house unseen from a very young age.

But I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

However, after the years of therapy and learning about trauma etc. I knew immediately how unhealthy moving back home was - how nothing had changed. So I always knew this was going to be a bumpy ride. On the first night I admit to her I was smoking weed at the time - I'm hit with her usual high anxiety. Then she says that she won't tell my dad, because he's had a pace maker recently, and doesn't want him to worry. But then strongly told me "I never lie to daddy." But that I'm making her lie. Fast forward a year as she's pursuing being a medium and she's in the room with me, calling out to "daddy" with bare faced lies pretending she's going places she isn't, doing stuff that she isn't, because she doesn't want to admit what she's really doing. Or the time she makes me bundle up folders of their paperwork and bank stuff, and tells me to drive her to her sister's because a pendulum that she used for divination told her that she was in mortal danger from my dad and had to leave. Then the next day is on the phone with him, putting on the little girl routine that she's fine, and coming home and just needed a night to herself.... One of my therapists called my mum emotionally deranged, a blunt, but rather fair assessment.

It's not a blame game. Parents love their kids, trauma is generational. But it's cause and effect. There is always consequences. And to say that my struggles have nothing to do with them. Well, let's just say biting my tongue in that moment was probably the safest option. As I've seen how my mum reacts when I stand my ground. Either "There's no need to get angry/shout." When I wasn't doing either. But if I do speak my truth, you should see the look on her face; it's one of sheer anxiety, dread, confusion and anger. Because I get real, speak my mind and she doesn't know how to process it. So now the avoidance will continue to get that much worse. Self fulfilling prophecy of sorts.

My back spasmed this morning and locked up completely. I'm in absolute agony. Then went down for breakfast, sat outside. Enjoyed watching the birds, then sat and meditated a bit afterwards. Felt calm and good, even with such a painful back. But then I get back inside and BAM - parental angst. Right in the childhood. So the parental repeat episode of "You're a bad/selfish son" was the cherry on top.

Thing is, whenever my brother visits with their kids, or his wife - they spend the entire time with my parents. Socialising and engaging. I've spent the lion's share of my free time in my room, ever since a young child. It's been my way, and now, at 38 year's of age it's becoming a regular topic to showcase why I'm a bad and uncaring son.

There's reasons why I wish to remain invisible in my own home. Why I'm filled with immediate relief and elation when my parents have gone out for the day. And why I feel safest venturing out of my bedroom in the early morning, or late at night - when I know my parents are asleep.

Ed

 

[Suzanne]

And why I "walked away year's ago" after I taught myself to UNlove the parents and I can tell you, I have benefitted so much from that decision. Ok, there is a huge part of me, that misses the concept of phoning a mum and chatting with her, but since I cannot have that, due to the very toxic person she is, I just cope.

I made a certificate for my friend saying: you are the best mum in Suzanne's world and she showed that she keeps it close to her. She has two girls and the second has ADHD into the extreme, but my goodness me, she, my friend, is a fabulous mother and her girls acknowledge this.

If only all mothers were like my friend!

 

[Raggamuffin]

When I lived with my ex in a house we bought I distanced myself hugely from my parents. But then they'd send guilt laden texts, and when they'd ring me they'd sound oh so meek and timid. "We're checking to make sure you're ok." Layering it on thick. And then when I'd call them? The usual - talking at me rather than to me. And there's only so long I can face their monologue before I regret speaking with them again.

Mind you, worry is the order of the day in this household. The amount of times I've rang home and rather than "Hello" my mum would answer in a panicked tone with "What's wrong?!"

I really want out of here.

Ed

 

[Jumpinbare]

So sorry. Sometimes hearing experiences like this make me feel guilty for having great parents.

 

[Peter Morrison]

You seem to understand the game being played, so you are not likely to get pulled in. It's a shame that you are not getting the emotional respect that you deserve. It is an uncomfortable environment, so pay attention to your own needs. People who make drama usually try to get a reaction. You are smart to hold back.

 

[Roisin]

Moving back home as an adult was a headwreck, it seems to be human nature, to return to the familiar roles and habits. It's a difficult situation for you to be in.
I wondered if you had rushed home, how would today be different, it reminded me of being in a similar situation a few years ago, the conditional acceptance was soon forgotten and the effort it involved for me to deliver on being a good daughter was taken for granted.
Prioritising the things in life that give you space to be you is a healthy choice.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I’m sorry for the ongoing pain you are experiencing and I hope you can get your van done and get out of there.

You are correct. There is nothing you can do at this point that will change their behavior. I understand wanting to hide. That’s what I did, as much as possible, when I was a young one.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Last night my shoulder which had been healing up spasmed and cramped up. It's on the opposite side to the back spasm/cramp that occurred yesterday. So now both sides of me are in agony. A clear indication and testament to Gabor Maté's book - When the body says no, the hidden cost of stress.

I've been watching a lot of videos of late of Sadhguru. I remember when I first started doing yoga with my teacher, I realised that the poses and exercise aspect is but a small fraction of what yoga is. Truthfully - yoga is to live in the utmost harmony with yourself. So that you can then live in peace and harmony with the world around you.

I'm reading the sutras of yoga at the moment, there's nearly 200 of them. The second being one of the most fundamental aspects and goals of yoga; that if you can control the rising of the mind into ripples, you will experience yoga. Yoga meaning "union".

The book continues "The entire outside world is based on your thoughts and mental attitude. The entire world is your own projection."

"As the mind, so the person' bondage or liberation are in your own mind. If you feel bound, you are bound. If you feel liberated, you are liberated. Things outside neither bind nor liberate you' only your attitude towards them does that."

I read about the 8 limbs of yoga last year. Reading about Ahimsa truly brought to life just how self-destructive my inner monologue has been throughout life.

"In this sense, we’re talking about non-violence in all aspects of life. When we act with ‘Ahimsa’ in mind, this means not physically harming others, ourselves, or nature; not thinking negative thoughts about others or ourselves; and making sure that what we do and how we do it is done in harmony, rather than harm. Sutra 2:35 reveals;

‘In the presence of one firmly established in non violence, all hostilities cease’ Sutra 2:35

This takes me back to reading Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning. He said everything can be taken from a man, except their freedom to choose how they react to any situation. And he wrote this after being imprisoned in various concentration camps during WW2. He said those that gave up, and let the seeming futility and horror of their situation overcome them - they were the one's who died quickest. Those who could live beyond their surroundings, and find that inner strength and harmony - they survived the longest. Or indeed, made it out and lived beyond the end of the war.

And I realise that what my parents said yesterday was a projection of what they felt and thought. Whilst it was directed at me, it is not the me who I will choose to be. What they said did not come from a place of love. Therefore, it has no part in my life. Yes it hurt. But I chose to let it hurt me. But I don't want that to be my burden. I'm going to continue to work towards getting where I want to be. There's no limits other than those I choose to set for myself.

When you listen to Sadhguru, you realise what enlightenment looks like. He has helped millions of people, and I completed the first module in his Inner Engineering course this morning.

He said that we are both the cause and the solution.

Last night I watched an hour long interview and chat that he had with Mike Tyson. Truly eye opening stuff. He talks with such calm, depth and introspection. But he also has a charm and humour to him that makes for the most pleasant viewing.

Now, I'm under no illusion that incorporating yoga practices into a dedicated lifestyle, in the western world would be challenging. I found an online article and PDF copy of his recipe book this morning, and realising the principles they recommend would be extremely challenging in the modern culture we live in, especially when it comes to the highly mechanised, ultra-processed food industry we encounter today.

Still, if something feels right, it's best to pursue it. And I have lived with an inner turmoil and disharmony for such a long time. And yoga shows that an inner peace is possible. Not only that, Sadhguru mentions drugs, and that people are using them to experience freedom from their worries and problems. But then states very eloquently that the body is performing millions of chemical reactions every minute. In another video he talks about how the brain has an abundance of cannabis receptors in it. Why he asks? So that we smoke weed? He jokes in many of his talks "Look at my eyes, and you will see I'm stoned all the time." But he is sober. He is simply stating the fact that inner bliss is possible from within. These external factors that we overindulge in, or circumstances that we blame for our hardships - this is not the way. It is within us to decide. We can either hold ourselves back, or allow ourselves to flourish. But he said this inner discovery and peace doesn't mean you won't still face a world full of problems - you will. But he says the first step is to realise that we are not the problem. Just as we shouldn't be blaming external factors for our struggles, we cannot go blaming ourselves either.

Ed

 

[Suzanne]

When I lived with my ex in a house we bought I distanced myself hugely from my parents. But then they'd send guilt laden texts, and when they'd ring me they'd sound oh so meek and timid. "We're checking to make sure you're ok." Layering it on thick. And then when I'd call them? The usual - talking at me rather than to me. And there's only so long I can face their monologue before I regret speaking with them again.

Mind you, worry is the order of the day in this household. The amount of times I've rang home and rather than "Hello" my mum would answer in a panicked tone with "What's wrong?!"

I really want out of here.

Ed

I used to pick up the phone and one day, my husband said: you must like getting upset, since you know that picking up that phone will cause you mental torture and from that, I stopped picking up the phone. Today, I would just block.

 

[Suzanne]

So sorry. Sometimes hearing experiences like this make me feel guilty for having great parents.

You should feel: phew glad that I have good parents! Not guilty, since parents SHOULD be that way with their off spring.

 

[Roisin]

@Raggamuffin
Thanks for sharing the video, it was indeed a pleasant hour and I have a new subscription to gently remind me of a type of living that is not my default!

I've been a bit out of balance, work colleagues and the internal politics meant I had to step into my protecter mode, a not so peaceful experience, but this has been a little compass reminder.

I encountered ‘Ahimsa’ during a dark number of years, it brought to life a way of being that spoke to my core self, a deep desire for a peaceful way to exist both inter and intra-personally.