Painful

[Cathey M.]

I am a parent of an adult daughter who, I suspect, is an aspie. Everything I have read points to this and explains many things. She has been misunderstood her entire life and often ridiculed and left alone. In her late teens and early twenties, she went through a terrible bout of clinical depression. Day after day, month after month, she stayed in her bedroom, coming out only to eat and use the bathroom. Her father and I did not understand and asked "why". We had never been around anyone suffering from depression at this level. She made several weak attempts at suicide with sleeping pills and cutting her wrists. I could go on and on with this, but there is no point. Everyone on this forum knows exactly where I am going with this. She struggled when she went off to college, staying in the bed rather than going to class. She came home and continued college, but without much success. After her third year of flailing around, she finally decided to drop out and go to work. That was a disaster. She developed bulimia and anorexia that almost took her life. She got down to 85 pounds at one point. She was married for ten years and recently divorced. No children. She is back at home with me and her father. She recently found a part-time job, which she seems to like. She is now dating a young man with similar personality traits who seems to care for her. He has no children and is her age (36). They are spending a lot of time together and she seems reasonably happy. But what is "happy" for her? I don't know anymore. I am very concerned because she is drinking heavily. Lots of empty vodka bottles are pilling up in her bedroom. We have talked about it and she says she can quit. I'm very concerned. What to do?

 

[Judge]

In all honesty I think you need to start here at these links. The combination of substance abuse, eating disorders and autism strikes me as something you need to address with medical professionals, first and foremost. I'd feel WAY over my head offering any advice under such circumstances. Hope this is a starting point for you and her. Good luck.

http://al-anon.org/for-parents

https://www.thefix.com/content/autism-and-alcoholism-are-genetically-linked9060

http://www.donnawilliams.net/autismaddiction.0.html

 

[Cathey M.]

Thank you for your reply and the helpful links. My daughter has seen numerous professionals; i.e., psychiatrists, psychologists, neurologists, eating disorder specialists, etc. Her eating disorder started when she was fourteen, back when I has a small, minuscule, amount of control over her life. This continued into early adulthood and then, gradually, she seemed to get a handle on it. I don't know that she is still bulimic. And anorexia is something she will fight the rest of her life. But both disorders seem to be under control. For now. It all stems from her critical assessment of her own body. I believe this is a symptom of asperger's. A false body image. Fat and ugly.

Since she is now 37 years old, she has learned, over time, to cope with different situations. Crowds. Loud noises. Social anxiety. Sarcasm. This was especially difficult because sarcasm is a way of life in our family. We enjoy it and find it humorous. She never understood it.

She is obsessive and compulsive. She can't manage time and finds it difficult to maintain a job for any length of time. The alcohol might be under control at this time. I don't know. After being married for ten years, she has come back home to live with me and her father. If she is drinking, we will know. After I talked with her, she understands (or makes me think she understands) the seriousness of her drinking. I think she was using it to help her sleep at night. Time will tell.

Thank you for any advice you might have for me. Much appreciated.

 

[Professori]

I have been there and done all of the above including the anorexia, bulimia, depression, OCD and unfortunately much more, and so I can relate to the difficulties, agony and helplessness. It is probably best to make sure whether or not she is on the spectrum, otherwise it just complicates matters unnecessarily.

I agree that it is very difficult to offer advice in this way, especially since it is in 'cold blood', i.e. without seeing and speaking to her. The best that could happen for her is to have someone who has been through what she has but has stabilized so that she can walk with that person for some time and be accountable. It is difficult to find such a person. However, if she herself does not make the decision to put the energy into change, then it simply is not going to happen because it is a nosedive that nobody else can pull her up from. It is not impossible to overcome the problems that you have mentioned and she does not have to battle with them all her life, but it is a very long process and takes much input and energy, especially if she has been battling for a long time (not talking about being on the spectrum). It is also not helpful to have her problems 'tamed' but lurking in the background.

Most advice given in this way will seem simplistic - one feels helpless, but I wish you the best.

 

[Elemental]

Maybe your daughter might benefit from joining here? Most my pre-diagnosed life mirrors your description of your daughter's difficulties although I never had major eating disorders, I am a controlled eater. I need still to be very aware of alcohol intake as with autism it can be a toxic mix & damaging in the extreme. Like many others at Central, some peace came for me post diagnosis but only by constructing an amenable environment & that has taken a long time to realize. I'm glad your daughter has a supportive pal, I think we do gravitate towards other spectrumites when we recognise them. Good luck & I wish you well.

 

[Cathey M.]

I have been there and done all of the above including the anorexia, bulimia, depression, OCD and unfortunately much more, and so I can relate to the difficulties, agony and helplessness. It is probably best to make sure whether or not she is on the spectrum, otherwise it just complicates matters unnecessarily.

I agree that it is very difficult to offer advice in this way, especially since it is in 'cold blood', i.e. without seeing and speaking to her. The best that could happen for her is to have someone who has been through what she has but has stabilized so that she can walk with that person for some time and be accountable. It is difficult to find such a person. However, if she herself does not make the decision to put the energy into change, then it simply is not going to happen because it is a nosedive that nobody else can pull her up from. It is not impossible to overcome the problems that you have mentioned and she does not have to battle with them all her life, but it is a very long process and takes much input and energy, especially if she has been battling for a long time (not talking about being on the spectrum). It is also not helpful to have her problems 'tamed' but lurking in the background.

Most advice given in this way will seem simplistic - one feels helpless, but I wish you the best.

 

[Cathey M.]

Thank you for your reply. I am so thankful to find this site. When you and others speak of the "spectrum", what does this mean? That she needs a diagnosis from a professional? She is 37-years-old and, I'm almost certain, does not want to see another doctor for any reason. She has seen so many different doctors over the years, everything from psychiatrists to dieticians to therapists. Her health has suffered greatly because of her eating disorder. Her immune system was depleted at one point, which made her vulnerable to every germ and virus that passed her way. She suffers from frequent bouts which shingles, which are very painful. This is a disease that is usually always associated with the elderly, who do not have strong immune systems to protect their bodies.

I believe you understand her perfectly. This is such a great comfort to know she is not alone. What you say is correct, she needs someone who can mentor (is that the correct word?) and offer comfort and advice, someone with similar issues. She has made many personality and attitude adjustments during her 37 years, which have helped her to cope. She is now dating a young man who seems to have similar issues. Her husband of ten years did not understand her, which made for a tumultuous and troubled marriage. Her drinking became worse at the end of her marriage, right before she left him and moved back home. Now she has someone new in her life who is patient with her and expresses great love for her. He is a very responsible young man who has a great work ethic, which sets the right example for her. They both have a history of seizures. They are both uncomfortable in large crowds. Neither of them have a desire for children, which probably stems from their personal difficulties.

Yes, she has been battling her "demons" all of her life. In many ways, she has learned to cope. In other ways, she cannot. I might suggest this forum to her, but I have to be careful not to push her away with "suggestions". I'm sure you understand.

Again, thank you for your support. Much appreciated.

 

[Cathey M.]

Maybe your daughter might benefit from joining here? Most my pre-diagnosed life mirrors your description of your daughter's difficulties although I never had major eating disorders, I am a controlled eater. I need still to be very aware of alcohol intake as with autism it can be a toxic mix & damaging in the extreme. Like many others at Central, some peace came for me post diagnosis but only by constructing an amenable environment & that has taken a long time to realize. I'm glad your daughter has a supportive pal, I think we do gravitate towards other spectrumites when we recognise them. Good luck & I wish you well.

 

[Professori]

Thank you for your reply. I am so thankful to find this site. When you and others speak of the "spectrum", what does this mean? That she needs a diagnosis from a professional? She is 37-years-old and, I'm almost certain, does not want to see another doctor for any reason. She has seen so many different doctors over the years, everything from psychiatrists to dieticians to therapists. Her health has suffered greatly because of her eating disorder. Her immune system was depleted at one point, which made her vulnerable to every germ and virus that passed her way. She suffers from frequent bouts which shingles, which are very painful. This is a disease that is usually always associated with the elderly, who do not have strong immune systems to protect their bodies.

I believe you understand her perfectly. This is such a great comfort to know she is not alone. What you say is correct, she needs someone who can mentor (is that the correct word?) and offer comfort and advice, someone with similar issues. She has made many personality and attitude adjustments during her 37 years, which have helped her to cope. She is now dating a young man who seems to have similar issues. Her husband of ten years did not understand her, which made for a tumultuous and troubled marriage. Her drinking became worse at the end of her marriage, right before she left him and moved back home. Now she has someone new in her life who is patient with her and expresses great love for her. He is a very responsible young man who has a great work ethic, which sets the right example for her. They both have a history of seizures. They are both uncomfortable in large crowds. Neither of them have a desire for children, which probably stems from their personal difficulties.

Yes, she has been battling her "demons" all of her life. In many ways, she has learned to cope. In other ways, she cannot. I might suggest this forum to her, but I have to be careful not to push her away with "suggestions". I'm sure you understand.

Again, thank you for your support. Much appreciated.

What I mean by 'spectrum' is the Autism/Asperger's Spectrum - there is much debate about where Asperger's fits in, but I won't go into that now. It will be helpful to find out what her status actually is n this regard because it brings much relief and release when one discovers a 'fit'.

She would not have to go to a professional to find some direction in this regard because there are test available online which will give some indication and direction. So, for example the Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ), the Retro Autism Diagnostic Scale - Revised (RAADS-R), the Aspie Quiz, etc. You will be able to find these online by googling them and she will not have to give personal details in order to take the tests. However, they do warn you, and it is fair warning, that the results are just an indication and not a diagnosis per se. A cross section of test results should assist with the reliability of your results in this way though. Once again there is much debate about whether or not one should ago for a professional diagnosis. It can be a very long and arduous process, and it is based on individual preference, depending on what one wants to achieve through a professional diagnosis.

That your daughter has a good friend who understand her and helps her is wonderful. To have a mentor (correct) to whom she is accountable is slightly different though in that sometimes one has to exercise tough love and be independent and not too emotionally attached in order to really help a person in this type of situation - one can revert to childlike behaviour when the going becomes too tough. One has to be directive in such a situation. A friend is not likely to help at these times, and rather just be there, but I generalize. This really is tremendously helpful but it also difficult to find such a person.

I emphasise again that it is always difficult to give advice in this way because actual situations are much more comlex than one can assume online. All the best.

 

[Cathey M.]

In response to Elemental, I do believe this forum would be of help to my daughter. I will try to find the "right" time to suggest it to her. Simply in knowing that she is one of many, she could be encouraged. Asperger's is something that I just recently discovered, and now I understand that the "official" diagnosis has been dropped from the psychiatrists' Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of Mental Disorders, the American publication that is one of the most influential references for the profession around the world. Since there is no "cure", everyone suffering from this must learn to adjust and live with it. I'm sure it is easier for some than for others. I found an Aspie Quiz on line today and I'll see if I can get Catherine (daughter) to take it. Wish me luck.

 

[Judge]

In response to Elemental, I do believe this forum would be of help to my daughter. I will try to find the "right" time to suggest it to her. Simply in knowing that she is one of many, she could be encouraged. Asperger's is something that I just recently discovered, and now I understand that the "official" diagnosis has been dropped from the psychiatrists' Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of Mental Disorders, the American publication that is one of the most influential references for the profession around the world. Since there is no "cure", everyone suffering from this must learn to adjust and live with it. I'm sure it is easier for some than for others. I found an Aspie Quiz on line today and I'll see if I can get Catherine (daughter) to take it. Wish me luck.

Self-awareness is a real beginning to a realization of self-improvement to varying degrees for many of us.

 

[Elemental]

In response to Elemental, I do believe this forum would be of help to my daughter. I will try to find the "right" time to suggest it to her. Simply in knowing that she is one of many, she could be encouraged. Asperger's is something that I just recently discovered, and now I understand that the "official" diagnosis has been dropped from the psychiatrists' Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of Mental Disorders, the American publication that is one of the most influential references for the profession around the world. Since there is no "cure", everyone suffering from this must learn to adjust and live with it. I'm sure it is easier for some than for others. I found an Aspie Quiz on line today and I'll see if I can get Catherine (daughter) to take it. Wish me luck.

I wondered after posting, what my reaction might be if I saw myself discussed on here before I'd signed up; initially I think I might have raged in response to that news. I do think - hope, though - that I would have cooled down enough in time, to understand that it is with best interests & expressed concerns, at heart. I felt under pressure about my autism recently & it felt like an attack on my whole person. So yeh, good luck & best wishes.