Panic Attack over inconsiderate, disrespectful church goers

[Rasputin]

Yesterday I went with a friend to a special church service and a dinner for male adult members of our parish. One of the families attending the service brought their two children who were sick. The girl coughed non-stop, sneezed, and blew “chunks” from her nose into her hand, and then wiped her hands on the church pew. While this was going on, her mother sat quietly next to her. Then several other people began coughing. At this point I started having a panic attack due to the pandemic, and I got up and left. The guy who rode with me to church was just abandoned, so I stopped by his house and told his wife to pick him up from church.

My wife thought I handled the situation poorly because I walked out of church and abandoned my friend. I did try to get his attention, and I texted him before I left. Later he called and indicated he walked out due to the unsafe environment. Neither he nor his wife blamed me for leaving, and we all were critical of the parents for bringing sick children to church during a pandemic.

My question is that given my panicked state should I have handled the situation differently? I was hesitant to walk out of church, but I was overcome with fear at the time.

 

[watersprite]

You took the best possible action, in my opinion; for you, and your friend, & the others attending, since it could’ve gotten totally horrid if you somehow forced yourself to stay in there.

The mother or father of the sick
child is at fault for their utter lack of good manners & decisions.

 

[Magna]

I would have done the same thing. You said you tried to get your friend's attention so it's not like you just walked out with no concern for him at all; plus you notified his wife right away so you helped to line up transportation for him.

Just because it's church doesn't mean that people should be subject to the real potential of contracting Covid from a sick kid. Back when I went to church I'd get up and move if someone sat nearby with fragrance (dryer sheets, laundry detergent, perfume or cologne) strong enough for me to taste it. I didn't care if anyone was offended and my whole family would be in tow.

 

[Thinx]

I wouldn't have gone to an indoor event yet, but if I had, would certainly have left, as you did.

Are you questioning your decision due to your wifes opinion? I wondered if maybe the way you reported it to her was cross or a bit upsetting, and whether that was what made her say this? Like, underlying the actual issue, her comment is about something else?

To me your decision makes sense, do you know what may be troubling your wife around this, or can you find a gentle way to ask her?

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Do you know if he turned off his cellphone during the service? Maybe he never got the texts.

In all reality, it's okay to tap your friend on the shoulder and say to him "Hey, all this coughing is grossing me out. Let's get out of here." People talk in church all the time. And people leave mid-service all the time.

I can understand where you're coming from, but It isn't right to leave your friend behind.

And those poor sick babies. Shame on the parents for bringing them. They should have been at home in bed. Besides, didn't you say this was a service especially for men?

 

[Aspychata]

Hey. It's okay to leave given the *panic* state of things. It's new protocols in place now. It's called your boundaries. You tried your best. If the person you bought was watching you, they would have left too.

I would have ran out. Somebody from the church should have taken that family outside. You don't know if they are endangering their elder church goers. Find it actually disturbing. They are disrupting the service.

Three years ago, nobody would have thought twice about that. Now the church has a responsibility to the church goers. Many churches do services online.

 

[Rasputin]

I wouldn't have gone to an indoor event yet, but if I had, would certainly have left, as you did.

Are you questioning your decision due to your wifes opinion? I wondered if maybe the way you reported it to her was cross or a bit upsetting, and whether that was what made her say this? Like, underlying the actual issue, her comment is about something else?

To me your decision makes sense, do you know what may be troubling your wife around this, or can you find a gentle way to ask her?

I was cross when I got home, so that is probably why she was critical. I don’t know how I could not have been cross.

 

[Rasputin]

Do you know if he turned off his cellphone during the service? Maybe he never got the texts.

In all reality, it's okay to tap your friend on the shoulder and say to him "Hey, all this coughing is grossing me out. Let's get out of here." People talk in church all the time. And people leave mid-service all the time.

I can understand where you're coming from, but It isn't right to leave your friend behind.

And those poor sick babies. Shame on the parents for bringing them. They should have been at home in bed. Besides, didn't you say this was a service especially for men?

The service was for everyone. The dinner afterwards was for the men.

 

[Rasputin]

Hey. It's okay to leave given the *panic* state of things. It's new protocols in place now. It's called your boundaries. You tried your best. If the person you bought was watching you, they would have left too.

I would have ran out. Somebody from the church should have taken that family outside. You don't know if they are endangering their elder church goers. Find it actually disturbing. They are disrupting the service.

Three years ago, nobody would have thought twice about that. Now the church has a responsibility to the church goers. Many churches do services online.

I agree that the church has some responsibility to ensure it is safe to come worship. I find there is a lot of ignorance everywhere now, so I am afraid to leave home. I went to dinner with five other family members recently, as all of us had been vaccinated. Five of us (myself included) contracted Covid-19 snd tested positive August 6th. I think I recovered well, but my wife’s brother had a serious case. He now has a heart condition and difficulty breathing and focusing. He had to take a leave of absence from work, and does not know if he will survive. Because of this I felt trapped and had a panic attack.

 

[unperson]

That sounds gross, what was the woman thinking bringing sick, coughing, sneezing kids to church, a miracle cure? sick people love bringing their sickness around others, they think if they spread it around it will lessen their troubles. I always hated people coming to work with a cold, it's disgusting and they should stay at home. They get sick leave, so use it.

I'd mention it to the minister or whoever is in charge of this stuff. sounds like the woman might be mentally challenged.

 

[watersprite]

I’ve known several parents who habitually “forgot” to mention that their kid was sick when planning a play date with my kids at my house. Happens. Human nature...

But I did not invite those family’s kids over again.

 

[Sherlock77]

@Rasputin

You were completely correct to leave the building...

If you didn't hear from your friend, I would have simply left the building, gone to my car, and then wait for my friend outside... Thus you avoid abandoning him...

I know I will normally have my phone off during most meetings or church services, so I wouldn't have received a text like that a friend sent

 

[Au Naturel]

I would have left the building and waited outside. My usual is to put the seat back, turn on the radio and listen to music. Reading a book or going for a long walk are also options.

The problem with panic is that it short circuits thinking and causes its own set of physiological problems. Because you were starting to panic you couldn't think of options. Panic only allows for flight. Fear of infection is a legitimate concern but panic is completely counterproductive in 99.9% of all human experiences. You don't need panic to know to walk away from a sick person who's making no effort at all at proper hygiene.

The physical symptoms of panic are enough to make you afraid. You end up in an escalating loop.

I don't have panic attacks but I as I age, anxiety attacks seem to have made their debut. They happen when my mind latches onto a threat that has an extremely remote chance of happening and then obsessing over it. I don't know why the obsession happens because I know intellectually the chance of it happening is next to zero. I also know there is nothing to do if it did happen, so there's no point in worrying. But there's something in my primordial reptile brain that latched onto it and won't let go.

I overcome the anxiety by denying it access to my consciousness. When it crops up I force myself to pay attention to something else. Every time I think about it, it becomes stronger, even if I an trying to think logically about it. In my experience anxiety can only be broken and not reasoned away. Anxiety is a kind of obsession and it is not amenable to rational thought. After a while it fades away.

 

[Thinx]

You did the right thing. I'm afraid there is indeed a lack of evidence to support attending indoor events as yet, as you have found in August, and ongoing. You are in an age group who are more at risk. It doesn't make good sense to attend church or a meal indoors, and your logic was informing your actions, even if you did panic too.

Children are often the main spreaders of viruses, it's a blessing they are less seriously affected by this particular virus, but they are amongst those most likely to catch it and pass it on.

We are being left to make our own decisions about our safety measures now, and I am continuing wearing a mask in shops or in any buildings I have to go to, socially distancing, and meeting friends outdoors.

Yes I agree you were likely to feel cross about that experience, however as you say, it then affected your wife's response too. Given what happened at the family get together, I guess you are both distressed still. It is fine to make your own decisions such as staying away from indoor events. In addition to a symptomatic child, there could be others with no symptoms who are carrying the virus and we can't know who they may be.

 

[Misery]

Being brutally honest, the mistake wasnt leaving abruptly: It was going there to begin with.

It can depend on the place though. For instance a supermarket in a not-too-crowded area can be okay, because you can easily keep a high distance from everyone. However, if you're not using a mask, that one ISNT okay.

And of course if the supermarket is in a crowded area, like a big city, that's a big nope (unless of course it's the ONLY way to get food... usually delivery services are available, or at least curbside pickup).

But a crowded place like a church where everyone is stuck inside an enclosed and potentially badly ventilated place for an extended period? Ye gods, no. Dont do that. No, I dont care what the reason is: Dont do it. Even in an area that isnt normally that crowded. The one and only exception I can think of might be planes, due to the fact that airlines outright force everyone to use a mask (of course, this is an issue for those who CANT use masks for medical reasons, I dont know what they do in that case) and there is very high ventilation on them.

While having to go through a panic attack sucks, in this case, it was a harsh lesson that needs to be learned. Use the knowledge of the experience to help you consider future decisions.

 

[unperson]

Is this woman a regular church goer or a drive-by? Churches can get saboteurs and agent provocateurs. Just wondrin'

 

[Martha Ferris]

You have a right to protect yourself and that meant leaving the service.
Your not being able to get a hold of your friend to tell him you were leaving was unfortunate but you did stop by his house and arrange for transporation for him. You have to take care of yourself first. Do what you need to do.
I see no reason to be critical of your decisions.
I would have been angry too at these people who were obviously sick (or their parents) to expose everyone around them to their illness. They do not have the right to put others at risk. I consider your anger appropriate.
I think that measures should be in place especially in this time of a pandemic to screen people at the door for any inside gathering.
I would also reconsider the need to be in a crowded place with people who could be carrying and spreading the virus or any virus for that matter including the flu. The pandemic is not over and it does not care a fig about what people want to do. Deal with the facts not with what is expected of one or what one wants.

 

[RobZombiefan]

You did nothing wrong. You handled it correctly. Anybody would have bolted the fault lies with ignorant people who were sick and went to infect lots of people.

 

[Rasputin]

Is this woman a regular church goer or a drive-by? Churches can get saboteurs and agent provocateurs. Just wondrin'

She and her husband are actually chanters, so regulars.