Parentification

[Kelsay]

So not going to get into a lot of detail, but I am one of the oldest in a fairly large family and growing up had to do many chores other children typically don't have to do. Like changing diapers, giving showers to younger sibling, babysitting my autistic brother who is also nonverbal and was often violent to himself and us especially when he hit puberty. Since we were homeschooled I also basically taught myself well enough to get into a community college, and I taught many of my siblings how to read and write and count. Since then a lot of stuff has happened, and the kids were taken away by dss and are currently in the foster care system. My mom had a psychotic break, lost the house and went to live with her abusive boyfriend. After that relationship crashed and burned, I told her she could live with me temporarily, but now it's been almost two years and she's no closer to leaving than she was before. Every time we talk she goes on about her difficulties and mental problems (she's bipolar). I am just burnt out trying to help her and validate her feelings because literally this 'conversation' has been going on for two years. Also the conversation is very one sided, like she would never accept that I also could have mental health issues. She's constantly playing the victim

I am having difficulties putting up boundaries and wondering if other aspies have the same difficulties. Obviously there is a lot going on here and it is a situation that would be difficult whether you're neurodiverse or neurotypical. I think being autistic has actually worked in my favor in a lot of ways, and helped me to be successful in school and at work, though I still have a lot of anxiety. It has been very draining though and I'm starting to become depressed too, which almost always happens this time of year. I don't know why, I just feel like I'm invisible and sometimes just everything hurts.

Wondering if others know what I mean and if so please tell me if there is some way relieve some of this stress.

 

[Aspychata]

Sounds like you have been always taking care of someone your entire life. And that has swallowed up your entire existence.

Sorry. This is a tough realization. Hope you find time for yourself. Have you thought about alternate living arrangements for your mom?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I grew up trying to please everyone and nearly lost myself. As the oldest i had to raise the youngest and had diaper duty besides getting meals started. That lack of boundaries and having little agency of my own was crippling.

To me, it looks like you are in a toxic relationship with your mother. She clearly does not respect what should be normal boundaries for you. For your personal growth you need to live independently of your mother. I second @Aspychata that your mother must live somewhere else. It was only after living independently that I was able to develop my agency, and then after working on myself, start to live.

 

[Kelsay]

Sounds like you have been always taking care of someone your entire life. And that has swallowed up your entire existence.

Sorry. This is a tough realization. Hope you find time for yourself. Have you thought about alternate living arrangements for your mom?

My lease ends in May and I'm not reupping. Kind of just want a fresh start at this point. She knows she can't come with me

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

My lease ends in May and I'm not reupping. Kind of just want a fresh start at this point. She knows she can't come with me

That sounds healthy! That will give you some badly needed me-time without the poisonous, needy, victimhood.

 

[Aspychata]

Sounds like a chance to finally have time for you.

 

[Au Naturel]

My lease ends in May and I'm not reupping. Kind of just want a fresh start at this point. She knows she can't come with me

Beware the guilt-tripping that will happen.

 

[Fino]

You sound like you've been extraordinary, often by necessity. Your suffering has been beyond. I always recommend medications. If you feel like that might lift some of the burden for now, I wouldn't hesitate to seek that out, if you haven't already.

 

[Outdated]

Hi Kelsay,

I agree with the others that your upcoming break away from your present situation could be just what you need. I have reset and restarted my life several times now, when situations became too complex for me to unravel. Being able to let go and start again is something most people are not capable of.

I see a lot of people's lives as being a bit like the monkey with it's hand stuck in the olive jar. The hand wouldn't be stuck if the monkey would just let go of the olives.

It's good to feel compassion for others but don't forget to feel compassion for yourself.

Cheers,

Andrew.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Kelsay

"Parentification" is classed as child abuse in at least some US states (maybe all). It's illegal, and with very good reason.

As I interpret your post, you're now living with your abuser.

You need to get away from the situation. It's looks like you're doing so, but please - don't have second thoughts.

Some personal context. I'm ND, but I've had a longer time than most to learn how to deal with NT's. It's quite difficult for NT's to manipulate me these days, because I've learned most of the tricks. But the learning process includes my being tricked many times

Back on topic:

You have an energy-vampire attached to your soul. You will never live your best life, nor fully develop has a person (neither internally nor socially) until you cut loose. IMO you should walk away (100% no contact) without remorse or regrets.

If course it's your personal choice. I wouldn't criticize if e.g. you got away, and tried "low contact" for a while.. You can always change your decision later.
But for now you probably have a lot of healing to do, and IMO even the smallest amount of contact (like a "Happy Birthday" text ) represents a tangible risk of having a negative effect on the healing process.

BTW: vampires are merciless "takers" (of course . They have spent their entire lives learning how to be difficult to refuse. They can't be turned down using the standard techniques for NTs.

If you'd like some advice on how to address this, feel free to ask.

It won't hurt for you to get some practice while you're waiting for the lease to run out. Some basic rules:
* Vampires have zero empathy - they do not feel your pain.
* Look only at actions (this includes demands for you to do things), and make your own decisions based only on those actions.
* Assume everything they say, except for the "I want X" part, is a "curated lie" ("gaslighting")
* Simply saying "no" has no effect: She lives denial and selfishness. For now, choose your battles, and if you "fight", fight to win.

One thing that might help: you don't owe the truth to a liar. Which opens up for some convenient tactics.
Note that these aren't nice. They are not intended to be. If you don't want to play this game, for any reason, don't: Your most important actions are moving away and going no-contact.

Example tricks (both are simple reversals - "fight fire with fire"):

Actions: Say yes to demands for you to do things, or act in certain ways. Then don't fulfil the request - just act as though it never happened.
Naturally there will be complaints. Respond with something easily defensible (don't even consider being honest) - "sorry, I forgot" is fine, and widely applicable
Do not defend your action/inaction. Not one word. Think of "No is a complete sentence": extra information, especially excuses, weakens you - it's a weapon for your opponent. Never justify your actions/inaction to a "taker".

Words: If you're being criticized for being a terrible person (a common cheap trick for leverage), walk away.
No verbal reaction. You're not trying to educate her (it's impossible).
This might result in e.g. you not making dinner, because you've gone to a (suitably-priced) restaurant to get away from the empty noises masquerading as conversation. If something like that is needed, don't be concerned about the effect on your abuser, even if e.g. they self-harm to play the victim (in this case, perhaps not eating at all).

One phrase for people who play self-harm games:
"Sideways for attention, longways for results"

Note that ineffective self-harm is just another manipulative technique.
I'd like to think that if someone tried a "sideways for attention" on me I'd make them call medical services themselves Though TBH I'd probably call it in myself - my actual RL principle is to do exactly as much for an enemy as I'd do for a stranger (except defending my boundaries of course).

 

[Orange Glasses]

@Kelsay -

The superb above post by @Hypnalis should be your blueprint to extract you from this situation. To go even further, I would ask if you could end your lease ASAP.

 

[Kelsay]

@Kelsay

"Parentification" is classed as child abuse in at least some US states (maybe all). It's illegal, and with very good reason.

As I interpret your post, you're now living with your abuser.

You need to get away from the situation. It's looks like you're doing so, but please - don't have second thoughts.

Some personal context. I'm ND, but I've had a longer time than most to learn how to deal with NT's. It's quite difficult for NT's to manipulate me these days, because I've learned most of the tricks. But the learning process includes my being tricked many times

Back on topic:

You have an energy-vampire attached to your soul. You will never live your best life, nor fully develop has a person (neither internally nor socially) until you cut loose. IMO you should walk away (100% no contact) without remorse or regrets.

If course it's your personal choice. I wouldn't criticize if e.g. you got away, and tried "low contact" for a while.. You can always change your decision later.
But for now you probably have a lot of healing to do, and IMO even the smallest amount of contact (like a "Happy Birthday" text ) represents a tangible risk of having a negative effect on the healing process.

BTW: vampires are merciless "takers" (of course . They have spent their entire lives learning how to be difficult to refuse. They can't be turned down using the standard techniques for NTs.

If you'd like some advice on how to address this, feel free to ask.

It won't hurt for you to get some practice while you're waiting for the lease to run out. Some basic rules:
* Vampires have zero empathy - they do not feel your pain.
* Look only at actions (this includes demands for you to do things), and make your own decisions based only on those actions.
* Assume everything they say, except for the "I want X" part, is a "curated lie" ("gaslighting")
* Simply saying "no" has no effect: She lives denial and selfishness. For now, choose your battles, and if you "fight", fight to win.

One thing that might help: you don't owe the truth to a liar. Which opens up for some convenient tactics.
Note that these aren't nice. They are not intended to be. If you don't want to play this game, for any reason, don't: Your most important actions are moving away and going no-contact.

Example tricks (both are simple reversals - "fight fire with fire"):

Actions: Say yes to demands for you to do things, or act in certain ways. Then don't fulfil the request - just act as though it never happened.
Naturally there will be complaints. Respond with something easily defensible (don't even consider being honest) - "sorry, I forgot" is fine, and widely applicable
Do not defend your action/inaction. Not one word. Think of "No is a complete sentence": extra information, especially excuses, weakens you - it's a weapon for your opponent. Never justify your actions/inaction to a "taker".

Words: If you're being criticized for being a terrible person (a common cheap trick for leverage), walk away.
No verbal reaction. You're not trying to educate her (it's impossible).
This might result in e.g. you not making dinner, because you've gone to a (suitably-priced) restaurant to get away from the empty noises masquerading as conversation. If something like that is needed, don't be concerned about the effect on your abuser, even if e.g. they self-harm to play the victim (in this case, perhaps not eating at all).

One phrase for people who play self-harm games:
"Sideways for attention, longways for results"

Note that ineffective self-harm is just another manipulative technique.
I'd like to think that if someone tried a "sideways for attention" on me I'd make them call medical services themselves Though TBH I'd probably call it in myself - my actual RL principle is to do exactly as much for an enemy as I'd do for a stranger (except defending my boundaries of course).

Thank you! That was informative. I have taken her to the hospital before because she was suicidal. However, she hasn't really been all that compliant with her treatment. It's like she just wants to wallow in her own misery.
I will try some of those things. Honestly I have also thought of leaving before the lease ends and just leaving it all to her.

 

[Hypnalis]

On reflection I think @Orange Glasses is right. So this is a second vote: I recommend you leave ASAP, as soon as you can afford it.

Also get your important documents, computer backups (even your game high scores actual valuables, and items with high sentimental value out of your dwelling ASAP (before applying counter-measures).
Your goal is personal autonomy, not revenge. But the defensive rule is "Hope for the best, plan for the worst".

Back to leaving : IMO it's worth a lot of money to leave. You're probably in a corrosive situation: i.e. you get continuously worse off as long as you're there. In that situation I'd be prepared to spend a very large part of my discretionary income to change that, because you gain twice - removal of a negative factor and gaining a positive one (the ability to heal naturally).

Another thing I thought about for my earlier post, but rejected because I think I used it last week. Useful even if repeated:
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm".
True even if they ask nicely, but especially so if they are guilting you into doing things for them.

--

Some incidental suicide info and comments:

Here's a US link with some suicide stats:
https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/suicide-data-statistics.html
1 self-reported attempt in 27 is successful /lol.
Some are surely incompetence, but there are other stats there that indicate how many might be serious (I'd guess about 3-4 per success).

For the others, many of them are surely variations on "sideways for attention"

BTW - her lack of treatment compliance is consistent with either very low energy (body significantly affected by a serious attempt) or "suicide theatre".

Think about what she did after returning from treatment. Remember actions are harder to fake than words.

Also consider the techniques used, if any.
If it was all talk, it was 100% theatre. Ditto if it was a modest number of NSAIDs, preferring Ibuprofen to Paracetamol.
I won't go on to stuff that works, but a serious attempt at self-poisoning (AFAIK the most common choice for XX-chromosome humans) would almost certainly leave traces the hospital would find.