Parenting advice

[Tanyax]

Are there any parents out there who can offer some help and guidance? As many of you know, I’m a mum of 2 girls, 11 and 13 and like many parents, it is a daily struggle. My worries and concerns are of course, raising kids is always going to be challenging, and it is. My girls are hard work, especially my youngest at the minute. They are very spoilt and can be very mean to me etc etc. But that’s not my point right now. I have nothing to do with my parents anymore. They are separated and I have sort of different reasons for not wanting them in my life.

My point is, I could not bear it if my girls grew up and chose not to want anything to do with me. They can be quite brutal and even when I try to visit my parents even just to pick up a birthday card for them or something they fight so hard against it and are so uncomfortable doing it. I just don’t want to ever lose them ever.

So, to all you parents out there, is there anything you can advise me with to help me ensure that I never lose them the way my parents lost me? They are my absolute world and I love them beyond all belief but I’m pretty sure my mum would say that about me and it wasn’t enough to make our relationship work. She was just too toxic for me. She is vain, superficial and self centred. My life’s mission is not to be like her but she has always protested her love.

Obviously, I have some extra challenges as a mum so please, if anyone has any tips to help make our relationships easier, I would love to hear them. I don’t want my kids to ever feel the way about me that I do my parents. It would destroy me.

I’d love to hear your stories and experiences please if you have any advice. Thank you. It is very important xx

 

[Tanyax]

I’m going to go further and say that we have such bad examples of ‘families ‘ in our lives, which worries me even further. The father to my girls, his mum and dad live in Australia but are just so cold and just not loving at all. Their dad never cries but not long ago he cried when talking about a recent visit from his mum. He said he had just realised what a negative person she was. Trust me, I knew it! He didn’t say why but it would have been how cold and unloving she was towards our kids.

His dad isn’t much better. Only 2 out of their 5 kids have anything to do with them and one is adopted. They haven’t even met their youngest grandchild who is nearly 3 and lives in the same city. No one knows why. They were always horrible to me, it was very hurtful and my kids do not like them. They were here on my daughters 10th birthday and didn’t even wish her a happy birthday. She remembers it well.

My girls can’t stand my mum or my dad or his wife. I put my grievances aside and encourage relationships but they can see with their own eyes who these people are. I’m sure my parents think we have turned them against them but I can assure you, I haven’t. I want them to have grandparents.

My girls were born in Australia and I wanted them to grow up with an extended family so at the ages of 2 and 4 we moved back. Boy, was I let down. I feel so responsible for that move because we lost a massive quality of life and in return got heart broken. My mum and dad were just so bad. My sister has never been a sister. I was always the pretty slim one and I thought she was jealous. She has never loved me and she sure as hell couldnt care less about my kids even though I virtually raised 2 of her kids whom I adore.

I couldn’t have a more unloving family. Admittedly, I have never been abused or anything like that but they just don’t know what love is. I wanted my girls to have that.

So, point is, we don’t have the best frame of reference and I don’t want my girls to end up like we all have. To top it off, my boyfriend hasn’t seen his mum since he was 14 when she left him and his brothers. I mean, it’s just so unhealthy. All I ever wanted, and still do, is a loving family. I envy those who have that so very much. It breaks my heart. My ex was saying tonight that I just have to get over it ( my dad didn’t get me a birthday present) but I know I never will. I just couldn’t bear it if history repeated itself. I can’t make the same mistakes my parents did. I cannot let my kids down. I think I try too hard to show them how much I love them and it annoys them.

It’s just so important so if you do have any advice or happy stories I’d love to hear them. Thank you x

 

[rainfall]

I only have one child, a son who is nine and has autism. His dad left two years ago and he's never met his side of the family nor does he have anything close to regular contact with his dad. I don't have the best relationship with my parents, but not the worst, despite my upbringing. I have some of the same concerns because I used to literally hate my parents though I had good reason.

My advice would be to look at the differences in you and your parents. You aren't like them, so you don't have to worry about your daughters not wanting to be around you for those reasons. I would caution that you are holding onto them too closely because of your fear and that, especially as they get older, will only annoy them. When you tell someone you love them too often, it will gradually feel less sincere. I think you should tell them in a moment that it is imperative they know you feel that way or you're just bursting with love for them, but not so often that it's like saying hello and becomes irrelevant. I've always thought that love is more action than words because people have professed love and done the opposite. I don't think you are, but to me, I usually know someone truly cares for me by what they do or don't do in relation to caring for me over what they say they feel for me.

You said that you aren't worried about them being spoiled or mean to you, but I think it is a valid and time sensitive concern. Because my son has autism, there are people who like to let him get away with things and because of that, I've had to take a firm hand in telling them to stop and redirecting his resulting difficult and downright selfish and spoiled behavior. As much as you obviously love your girls, they should know and respect you for that. Not everyone, including yourself, grew up with a loving and caring parent like they are.

With respect to them not wanting to see your parents, I believe you haven't said anything to turn them, but have you asked your daughters why they don't want to go? Maybe they have a good reason and maybe they don't, but it would be good to know the why so you aren't left trying to deal with so much unknown all by yourself.

My son may not have the family I wanted him to have, but he knows well who does love him and has plenty of it. You don't have to have a picture perfect family for your girls to know love. You can show what love really is to them and they will not want for it because they don't have a good extended family. I grew up with both my parents being the black sheep of their families and even though my dad's side is huge, I know of less than ten percent of them and the majority of those have passed on. It may not be ideal, but I believe, from what you've written, that your heart is in the right place and you will be able to accomplish what you desire.

Just please remember that these are my thoughts and opinions in an effort to help and are by no means a rule book. Different things work for different people and I know that all too well myself.

 

[Catalyst]

I've heard that girls at that age are difficult. I have two boys, 12 and 13 (14 in Feb) and I'm very fortunate that they show how much they love me and want me to be in their lives, even though I feel like I abandoned them. I couldn't care for them and so my MIL cares for them, and has never said a bad thing about me to them. She and her husband have officially adopted them. But they were brought up, both by them and my ex-husband and I, with strict discipline as well. Sometimes they had to understand that "because I said so" was an appropriate response from us, and may be explained later. But when we thought an explanation would help the situation, we gave it to them. They were raised knowing that "mommy has storm clouds" (I'm bipolar) and that meant I couldn't be around all the time, and sometimes had to cut our play sessions short. Not that they didn't/don't rebel, because trust me they do. I've got a little secret me and the boys keep from their grandmother, which is I know they get into chat rooms and have Discord even though they're not supposed to. But they both have my Discord handle so when they're online at the same time as me, we chat for a little bit.

Really, there are two things that have kept them close to me: Everyone reinforcing to them that yes, I do love them, and that I want the very best for them. And the best doesn't always mean what they want, but what they need. They've had to grow up with a lot of patience and understanding, among other things. We explain as much as we can within their age range. For instance, there are a lot of shows that my kids are not allowed to watch because they have sex (well, it's hinted it's happening offscreen), and my older son refuses to discuss the subject. So, that has a very real consequence: Can't discuss it, can't watch it. They're allowed a limited amount of time on their devices, depending on what they're doing (doing homework on the computer doesn't count against, of course) and if they violate that time they get even less time next time, or no time. And "because we said so" is perfectly viable for that. We can only hope that one day they'll appreciate what we've been trying to do for them.

I'm very fortunate, as you can see, but we're finding it's rewarding to be tougher parents. There may even come a time when they're going to hate us for meddling so much. But that's okay too, because we're never going to stop showing our love for them in everything we do.

Now, for my upbringing...

My mother is a narcissistic, bigoted, racist, and there are days I can't stand her (and I live with her right now!). But even when she's complaining that I can't get a job because illegal aliens are taking all of them (I'm bipolar with a ****** work history, to be more accurate) I know she's complaining because she thinks I'm missing out because of someone else. That's still her love for me, even if there's hate for someone else involved. I hate when she treats me like a child, but I know she's trying to protect me from all the world's woes, including health problems like diabetes and obesity. Oh, she's also bipolar and doesn't apologize for any of her actions. But I guess being bipolar myself, even if I was more self-aware, I understand a little where she's coming from, even if I don't like it. I've blown up at her a few times since moving back in with my parents, but the more I see her do for me out of love, the more I'm willing to tolerate all the stuff I hate about her.

Sometimes I'm angry at my dad for not giving me more money than what will pay for gas and car insurance. You know, because I'm a little selfish at times, and want spending money. And I'm a grown adult! But he's made such an effort to connect with us, even when we didn't necessarily want him to. My mom is the one that spoils us, and dad's the stingy, sometimes cold one. He doesn't mean to be, he was just raised that that's how men were supposed to be. They're supposed to provide for the family, which means they work, while the mom does all the stuff that kinda bonds them to the kids. We were that family. Even now, he expresses disappointment in me when I want to pay for my own stuff instead of letting my boyfriend or my ex-husband paying for it, because that's what they're supposed to do. And I hate that. But that's also a sign that he wants his little girl treated right. He also has a tendency to want to try and "fix" my bipolar, which he says is just a guy thing. Sometimes I have to sit down and have a talk with him about why certain things are uncontrollable, whether for him or for me, and what we can control, and how we can do that without him being over-controlling. (Have I used control enough times? Good lord...) But even though we weren't close to him as kids, the effort he made in showing how much he cared about us when we were adults brought us all back to him.

In short, I had a horrible relationship with my parents. To be honest, I was glad to be out of the house as soon as possible. But my parents never gave up on showing how much they love me. And whether you spoil your kids or restrict them (for the right reasons), they may hate you for being protective or meddlesome, but keep on making sure you show you love them. It's hard to be expressive in the right ways sometimes, and they may hate you for some things, but so long as they can see your love for them, you've got a good chance they'll grow up just fine and figure out what you're doing, you're doing for their good.

 

[Nauti]

This is a very complex and complicated question for me, so I'll try to keep it as simple as possible.

My parents failed me quite miserably and I ended up a streetkid at 16, then pregnant to a narcissistic sociopathic Aspie (I strongly suspect) at 17.

We had 7 children together. They were my focus. I had a mantra that kept me going for 21 years "if my kid's are ok, then I'm ok" but eventually I realized that I wasn't ok, I was very, very ill and my life would be cut short if I didn't escape their father.

I only stayed so long because he gaslit and threatened me "If you leave, you won't get the children, because you're crazy". Plus, I still don't have my drivers license, or much in the way of my own supports and resources.

He managed to poison the older ones against me, send our autistic son psychotic, depress and make drug dependant most of the other's. I could only get custody of the youngest two, due to the legal situation in my country (Australia) and a terrible lawyer.

I managed to get services in, eventually, for our autistic son, due to his father's habit of dumping him on me when he got too psychotically ill. He is in supported accomodation now.

It's been a long road to repair my relationships with all the other older children, but now things are very much improving.

I make sure to do what I can, to help with anything I possible can. I am very loving and positive toward them. I refrain from saying much about their dad. I don't feel very positive towards him, but I bite my tongue, for the most part. I did tell most of them that I think he's on the spectrum, to give them the gentlest explanation for his strange, selfish, non-empathetic and non-responsible behaviour.

I model a healthy and fullfilling relationship with my current partner. We've been together for 7-8 years now. I treat them with respect and courtesy at all times. I provide healthy and delicious food, when I can. I don't pressure them or judge them, instead I am flexible. I empower them to have healthy boundaries, to be assertive and to learn how not to be manipulatable.

I have grieved a great deal, for them, in the years when their dad had great sway over them and they shunned me. I had to give them space and get support because it was very, very painful, but, I never blamed them or accused them. I understand that they were also victims of their dad's malicious lies and revengeful smear campaign; I dared to leave a narcissist, so he couldn't help himself, he had to vicariously discard me through manipulating my young adult and teen children to shun me. They are innocent and gullible children, and have suffered, immensely, themselves.

Anyway, I think my situation is nothing like your's, I've had to work hard to reestablish my relationships with my kids because of my health and ASD issues and a cruel co-parent who couldn't take the blow to his ego of me leaving him. It's been very, very challenging and things are very much improved with many of them.

They are disentangling from their dad and learning what he's all about and I've had to let them; allow them space to learn for themselves, as painful as that has been. That was the best option for me. Now they know; I'm not what he lead them to believe,

I am a struggling but kind woman with PTSD and HFA. My kid's are learning that they can come to me, in a crisis, and I will always do what I can to help. They know that I tell the truth and they can rely on me to be real with them. I sometime talk too much, I've made the mistake of overdisclosing in the past. I do think they know that I deeply, deeply care about them.

I haven't always been in a position to help them, but I encourage them to believe in their capacity to solve their own problems and that reaching out for help is nothing to feel shame for; if you need help "ask and you shall receive" but you need to discern and learn who to ask what of.

I just like to help them where I can; teach them about reciprocity, have fun with them, teach them about good nutrition and good mental health self-care, teach them what I've learnt about how to have fullfilling relationships. Let them know I'm here as a resource, an ally, a person "on their side", a person who will love them unconditionally, always, but, who won't allow herself to be abused, used or disrespected anymore. A person who cares enough to be kindly honest with them, who believes in living a life of integrity, probity and constant learning, who has faith in them, and who teaches them that "People are allowed to make their own mistakes.
What's important is learning from them and never giving up on yourself and what you care about."
I just want to give them a little wise counsel and support where and when I can. And be utilised when it comes to raising their own children.
I can't wait for grandchildren!

 

[Tanyax]

Thank you very much Nauti and Catalyst, I appreciate the effort you took to reply and your insights and journeys so far. Very interesting and so very complex! The challenges some people face and no two lives are ever the same. Thank you

 

[Gracey]

Stop trying to assuage guilt for what’s gone before by ‘spoiling’ them.

It isn’t healthy.
You want them to have extended family?
You can’t control that. You can try to encourage it or provide opportunity but you can’t control the result.

If extended family don’t want to try as hard as you do, that’s up to them. Can’t force it and you’re not responsible for extended families actions so lose the guilt you’re carrying.

You chose to move. So what?
You’re current situation is what it is.
You’re the adult, you make the decisions for the wellbeing of those in your care, you included.

What about your wellbeing, sanity and social circle/ relationships?

Let the girls know you’re human and not Wonder Woman. You’re fallible, you make mistakes.

If I’ve read what you’ve written correctly, - there’s a chance I misunderstand some things,

Wanting to protect your girls is no bad thing but they need to learn that you can’t fix everything.
The sooner they know this, the sooner they’ll stop blaming you for things not being fixed or easy or wonderful.

You mention you ‘can’t lose your girls’
The tighter you hold on the more they’ll pull away, particularly as teenagers.

My only advice on how to keep them is to remain consistent, warm, understanding and loving.
Unconditional love.
You can feel hurt or disappointed by their actions, perhaps that’s something they need to hear every now and again,
But you’ll love them and be there for them when they need you. (Because they will eventually)

If they’re not talking to you much about emotions (other that spite or hate) or don’t want to talk to you, find the girls someone to talk to.
(Family, counsellor etc)