Partner issues

[M11]

I’m really struggling in my relationship of 2+ years at the moment as I always seem to be upsetting my partner and I don’t ever mean to and to me it seems like she gets upset over trivial things.

I also want to note I am undiagnosed so not 100% about a diagnosis but I’m definitely around 70% confident.

1) PDA- I’ve never done PDA show of affection in my life it just feels uncomfortable for me but now we have more mutual couples in our friendship group I get called out a lot for “Never saying or doing stuff like person X does to his girlfriend” which obviously gets to me as I don’t feel you need to be soppy to show the love you have.

2) NEEDING A LOT OF TIME ALONE- Me and my partner spend a lot of time together (go the gym together, binge tv together, have the same dinner together and go to bed together) but some days I just need my own space and she just doesn’t get that sometimes having 2 hours on my own downstairs just isn’t enough. she then thinks it’s that I don’t like to spend time with her when that’s not the case.

3) SPECIAL INTERESTS??- I’m not sure I have any special interests but the 2 things I spend the most time on the past 6-8 months is researching ADHD/Autism (my partner knows about my researching of ADHD and thinks it could be a fit but knows nothing about ASD which is why I’m so private about doing it and probably get a bit frustrated when she interrupts my research as I know she would brush it off although she’s always mentioned I show now emotion whatsoever even before I started my research but I do have empathy I just don’t know how to show it for instance. My boss who I’m very close to in work had a awful family situation in work and was crying in front of me and I froze I didn’t say anything but I felt awful for her. It wasn’t until I finished and I was able to send her a message with well wishes etc.
•My 2nd special interest would be work (reason I’m not sure it counts as a special interest as it’s not a hobby) but the past year I’ve been doing really well in a work setting the first time in 15 years so I’m a bit infatuated with my leadership research after 2-3 promotions and also all the systems that come a long with our work processes to try and be efficient as possible. (I often get told to take holidays as I haven’t had any in a year, then after 1-2 days holiday I try to get some information from a work colleague to the response “try and enjoy your time off” if I’m not up to much I’d rather be productive.

4) Back to my relationship issues we seem to argue all the time over stuff I think is so pointless about stuff so trivial i.e I was on my leaving night as I’ve just got a promotion. I invited my GF to come and meet us with her friends when she arrived in was talking to a younger female colleague in just random chit chat nothing more but she has got upset saying I was there for a few minutes and you didn’t notice me (if I wasn’t looking round how was I to notice her?) anyway later on in the night my good friend colleague said to her “he proper loves you, he’s moved city/job for you” which I have as her NHS placement is in another city. So the next day I get “why is it him telling me that and not you, why can’t you ever reassure me” while I think well I haven’t done anything wrong what do I need to reassure you about I wouldn’t know what to say?

5) A lot of other arguments are down to minuscule things or times where my partner will ask me the same question 4-5 times on a run like she doesn’t listen or take in my first answer I’ve repeated 2-3 times so I sometimes have a quick shouting outburst of frustration usually about 2-8 words. I feel bad inside but never know how to apologise

I’ve wrote some of these points as honestly as I could all be it from my point of view. To get some honest feedback on maybe where/how I can improve communication to improve our relationship during this difficult time.

 

[Raggamuffin]

1) - You don't need to compare yourselves to other's actions. Do what feels comfortable to you. PDA isn't for everyone.
2) - If that's her reaction it sounds a bit clingy. Explain calmly and honestly that "me time" isn't any reflection on her, or the relationship. In fact, it's a good thing that will benefit the relationship long term, as it allows you time to recharge. Being around each other too much isn't healthy.
3) - If you showed "no emotion whatsoever" I don't think you'd be in a relationship with her. So it's a bit too blunt and simplified to say that. You might not display them how she expects them to be shown. I enjoy researching ADHD and ASD too. Lots of books and articles out there. So much knowledge, so little time. It's good to be dedicated to work as well, very few take pride in their work. Just ensure your work/free time balance is healthy.
4) - Arguing over trivial stuff goes back to 2. Too much time in each other's company. Also, an argument takes 2 people. If you feel something might get heated, back to 2 again - take some time out, for you. Away from whatever it is that's triggering.

Overall though, are you happy? Do the good times outweigh the bad. Often we can stay in relationships that might not be good for us, for fear that being single or breaking from this routine would be a bad thing.

Just a thought.

Ed

 

[Knower of nothing]

Your partner seems insecure, this is why they want you to reassure them occasionally. They'll cook up worries out of thin air and it'll eat at them. Especially innocent sightings like you talking with other women or not spending as much time with them sometimes. Even if they consider themselves above that level of anxiety and so are blind to what causes it, if they feel it they'll start to construct those justifications for why they feel it and then the best cure is simply love.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It seems to me that your partner desires validation of your love for her. The best way to make your partner feel secure in that is to communicate. That is so very important in any relationship. Communicate well and the little frictions can be resolved. Have you shared your autism diagnosis with her? I would think that is basic. While you may be resistant to PDAs, have you just ever thought of whispering something nice in her ear? We all enjoy being desired and just a little bit of reassurance goes a long way.

 

[Judge]

Too bad. It reminds me very much of a relationship I had with an NT woman. One that sadly and eventually failed. On occasion I needed my personal space, and she tended to deny it to me, insisting that we always remain together.

Though at the time neither she or myself were aware that I could be on the spectrum. Making the whole situation one big mystery, even decades later, long after the relationship died. But then while I'm old and still single, she's on husband number three.

 

[Magna]

I second the opinion that your partner is insecure. That doesn't mean her feelings are invalid. You're in a relationship. Relationships require compromise by BOTH parties as well as sacrifice.

Compromises you can make based on your description:

PDA: You don't like PDA. Fair enough. She likes PDA. A compromise is for you to initiate some PDA sometimes even if you don't prefer it. It makes her feel good. I don't get much of any feeling from hugs for example; barely any. But I give my wife hugs because I know she likes it. Problem solved.

ALONE TIME: Necessary for an autistic person to "recharge" and "regroup". Interaction with others is typically intense and draining for autistic people. Alone time counteracts that. HOWEVER....often tied in with "special interests", autistic people can be prone to overdoing alone time. I know I can have that problem. Being in a relationship means spending quality time with your partner. This is where you two need to communicate. You don't even have to tie your need for alone time to your undiagnosed autism. You can say that interaction with other people can be draining for you and you need some time alone to do your own thing to recharge. Then you two need to talk about expectations. What do you consider to be an acceptable and reasonable about of alone time for yourself in a relationship? Does she agree that the amount of time you give is reasonable? If she feels that no amount of alone time is required in your relationship and all time should be spent "joined at the hip", then without question she'd be being unreasonable and unrealistic. You should also affirm that needing alone time is not personal against her. Just because you want to spend some time by yourself doesn't mean you don't like her. A simple fact even in the best of relationships is that people need breaks (alone time) from each other, period. That's healthy. That's normal.

Some people and typically women are more verbal. I recall a study that was done that measured the number of words spoken in a day and the result of the study was that on average women spoke more words than men by a large margin. Generally, women like to talk and like to be very verbal with their partner. Autistic people can find it difficult to convey their thoughts verbally "in real time" because often autistic people need to take time to identify their feelings (difficult for many autistic people), process the communication and analyze a response. This can frustrate someone who is very verbal and expects their partner to be just as rapid in verbal exchanges. Understanding and acceptance is required on the part of the verbal partner.

I take to task or "call out" NTs who are in relationships and expect their partner to be just like they are and won't accept their partner's differences. HOWEVER...I also take to task fellow autistic people who are in relationships who are so rigid that they won't compromise. In either of those cases, that's not how healthy relationships work.

Another issue in NT/ASD relationships that you didn't mention but that is very common is the difficulty autistic people often have picking up on non-verbal communication (ie "reading" a partner). In addition to not picking up on non-verbal cues, an autistic person will usually assume that if a person is not ok, they would say so; so conversely...if a person doesn't SAY (verbally or in writing) they're not ok...then they must be ok). Partners (typically women in this case) will get frustrated when their partner doesn't pick up on and accurately interpret their non-verbal cues. "My partner doesn't "get" me!" "My partner should just know how I'm feeling based on how I project myself!" < I find it ironic and quizzical that often a partner that is very verbal and chatty will also be one that expects their partner to "read" their non-verbal cues when they're upset about something rather than verbalize their concerns...

I wish you the best.

 

[Aspychata]

I went thru this. I would want a little more communication from a guy on the spectrum, and that just isn't going to happen. In the same instance, they couldn't understand why l suddenly didn't call or check in. It's because l never knew if we were on or off. So relationships are rather straining. Woman do like to know we are valued, by a short text or a short call. A dinner on our birthday or the anniversary we met is so special to us. But l had no way to explain this to this guy. So there was a lot of misunderstanding. Plus he told me he has been in relationships, so l thought l wouldn't need to explain this to him. So l am sorry to hear you are going thru this. I understand both sides of frustrations.

 

[Judge]

I went thru this. I would want a little more communication from a guy on the spectrum, and that just isn't going to happen. In the same instance, they couldn't understand why l suddenly didn't call or check in. It's because l never knew if we were on or off. So relationships are rather straining. Woman do like to know we are valued, by a short text or a short call. A dinner on our birthday or the anniversary we met is so special to us. But l had no way to explain this to this guy. So there was a lot of misunderstanding. Plus he told me he has been in relationships, so l thought l wouldn't need to explain this to him. So l am sorry to hear you are going thru this. I understand both sides of frustrations.

Wise words. It does seem many of us guys on the spectrum are just not all that verbally demonstrative about how we feel about our partners. But you speak the truth. So even if it feels weird to say such things, it will help keep your relationship together. Something that took me a long time to figure out, let alone discovering my own autism.

Had I known about my own autism at the time, I might have been able to have seen that I'm prone to such emotional/verbal disconnects and been able to alter my own behavior. But then hindsight is always 20-20...