Partner still very attached to ex wife

[Perpetually_confused]

Hello, I have recently come to understand myself as autistic & I specifically joined this site for some relationship advice from fellow autists because I feel very confused about my current relationship and I feel that NT advice typically doesn't include autists needs.
I am Audhd, I have the ADHD diagnosed & in treatment & my partner is autistic. This is the first time I've been in a relationship with another person with autism & in many ways it is wonderful. We share many special interests, understanding of eachothers need for time alone, I feel very safe when I am with him, I don't have to mask, we have similar goals in life & mostly similar values. I feel that we could have a wonderful relationship together apart from one quite significant factor which is that he is still very much attached to his ex-wife. He still lives with her, he is financially dependent on her & he describes her like a sibling. They are very close. I am generally fine about the fact they are friends but it is the amount of time that they spend together and how dependent they are on each other which makes me uncomfortable. They spend more time together than we do. They shop together, share meals together, watch films together. go out for meals together.
I can understand the financial dependence because I know its so difficult to make a living as someone who is autistic and he is making some moves towards addressing this. However there are other factors in addition to this which makes me wonder if I am going to get hurt very badly if I remain in this relationship.
Firstly he was very slow to even refer to me as his girlfriend only recently calling me this after 1 year together. He often prioritises her over me and has described their relationship as 'special'. I have spoken to him about this however & he has agreed to start prioritising me however there are other things which I'm just not sure about. At the moment they are travelling abroad as they have a shared business and are literally planning & spending every hour of every day together during social time. He doesn't seem to do anything on his own when he is with her.
When we are together his ex also messages him frequently - just chit chatting. On one occasion - very early on when we were dating, he ended our date early to go & provide her with emotoinal support. This was nearly 1 year ago now but it made me very uncomfortable & I'm not sure if this is still happening although he did assure me that they do not talk about emotional things or share feelings anymore.
When I try to address these things with my partner he makes me feel like I am being paranoid, he cannot seem to understand why this situation could be difficult for me. He has a very different & sometimes eccentric way of viewing the world & relationships which some ways I really admire but at the same time I am just not happy that I am not a priority for him & that she always is because in his mind he has known her for longer & they have been through a lot together.

I am lucky that I do have some level of financial independence compared to other autistics . We struggle with day to day things and it can be helpful to have someone else to help out with these things to manage life however I do not have this & I am permanently depleted because of it & I also feel resentful that he has this in his ex partner when this is something I would like to have in a partner. It also feels like our relationship has just not been able to move forward like other relationships because of this situation.

Basically I just can't understand whether they are still so attached to eachother because of their autism (they are both HF autistic) & they are genuinely a support to one another or if they still have feelings for each other.
As an audhd female I know I can be sometimes too forgiving, giving people more benefit of the doubt sometimes than I should & have people pleasing tendencies. However in some ways I feel I can trust someone with autism more than an NT. However I just don't want to waste anymore time & do not want to get majorly hurt if in one years time I find myself in the same situation or even worse - he decides to return to her. In my heart I guess I know that I want to be prioritised in a relationship & not second to someones ex wife with whom he has a huge amount of history and maybe this is the value that we just do not share which will break the relationship. Maybe I have answered my own question already... but any thoughts or advice much appreciated.

 

[Suzette]

I think it is human nature to want comfort and ease. Your partner has found that sweet spot for himself. He has his domestic needs taken care of by his ex-wife and other needs taken care of by you.

This man is not truly avilable for what you want. You want true emotional intimacy, honesty and trust. But he doesn't really seem 100% available. At least, I don't think so.

The "why" of his marriage isn't really relavant. You can not change it and he doesn't seem willing to change it either.

All you can actually do is accept the situation as it is or move on.

As it is you get your partner on a part-time basis. He isn't being upfront with you or he wouldn't suggest your discomfort is from being paranoid.

He has made it clear that he likes the status quo and really doest not intend to change it.

For myself, the status quo would not be enough. But that is something you have to decide for yourself.

Please forgive me if my words cause offense. That is not my intention but this old girl has been around the block a few times and this situation does not seem to match the needs you have expressed.