Past social rejections that happened to you that really hurt

[Misty Avich]

Warning, if you have RSD you might want to take some painkillers before reading this thread as the rejection posted here will hurt so much to read. (Little joke).

When I was 10 I had returned to school after having had an operation on my ears. It was raining outside so we had to all stay in our classrooms during recess. But I felt a bit sick and had a pain in my ear, so I told the teacher who was supervising us that I didn't feel well, and she told me to sit in the library where it was quiet, and asked one of the other girls to go with me so that I could have some company. When me and the chosen girl got to the library she clearly didn't want to be sitting in there with me so she told me she'd get someone else to sit with me. I knew they wouldn't want to really but she insisted, and went to ask the others. A girl who was supposed to be my best friend stormed into the library and called me a "fussy pot" and slouched in the chair and folded her arms angrily. I felt guilty but also a bit hurt that no-one wanted to sit with me.
Now, before you say that they probably just wanted to play in the classroom, I still knew it was personal because if that was any other girl in the class who felt unwell and needed to sit in a quiet room they'd probably have at least one friend who would have given up her playtime to sit with her, as that's what friends do. But because it was worthless old me, they couldn't be bothered.

When I was about 12 I was walking to school with my brother and his friends, and he noticed two girls from my class walking in front of us (he knew of them and knew they were in my class), and he encouraged me to walk with them. I knew those girls didn't really like me but I didn't want to prove to be unpopular in front of my brother's cool friends, so I caught up with the two girls to walk with them. They both looked unhappy that I had joined them, but I had to pretend like they wanted me there because I felt so embarrassed about being friendless. Also I knew my brother would tell my mum if he saw girls in my class rejecting me and then she'd feel hurt for me and I'd feel even more embarrassed. It was hurtful though knowing that if I were any of the other girls in my class joining them they would have welcomed me, but because it was worthless old me, I clearly wasn't wanted.

Skip to when I was 19, just after I'd left college. I had stayed in touch with some friends I had met at college and sometimes hung out with them on Saturdays. But one Friday I bumped into them in a parking lot and I asked if they were about tomorrow so we could hang out, as we hadn't hung out for a while. They said that they weren't about tomorrow because they were going to the cinema (movie theatre) - even though that was an activity that I could have easily been included in, and the cinema was just across the street. So, really, what they were implying was "we're hanging out tomorrow but we're just not inviting you". I felt so left out.

And I don't think the first two rejections in this thread would have happened if I wasn't cursed with this crappy AS (the third one may have happened to a lot of NTs too but probably not the first two). And people wonder why Asperger's actually HURTS. Because that's the only reason I was rejected by my peers. It still hurts to this day.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I make it a rule not to bring up and think about the past unless it was a lesson learned.

Personally, these thoughts only open up those doors to depression. Water under the bridge. I let these things go and fade away. No longer important. Forward thinking.

 

[Misty Avich]

Not if it still happens in adulthood as well. Okay it may be easier in adulthood to be accepted but I've still been left out of social activities from coworkers, and I get anxious about the Dreaded Words Of Rejection being said to me, which are "I wasn't talking to you" (when you're just joining in an open group chitchat) and "stop following me" (when you're trying to socialise but people keep moving about but you know they're not moving about because they don't want to talk to you or anything). The former got said to me in earlier adulthood by a group of cliquey women in their 60s and it was so embarrassing.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Yeah, I see what you're saying here. I just haven't had those experiences since I was a kid. I am sure I have been socially rejected. I know I have, but nobody has been bold enough to say things like that to my face.

 

[Masked Man]

Honestly, I have had these experiences as well, but I try hard to frame it in a way to place the burden on the shoulders of the other person.

I mean - why would someone be rude to another person for no apparent reason? Was I bothering anyone? No. So - what is going on in their life that would make them respond like that to me? And what sort of person would intentionally leave out or be rude to someone else? Usually not a good person, or someone who has their own issues that they are struggling with. So really I try to place the blame where it should be - on them.

For what happened when I was a kid - well kids are stupid. I let that all go. It's not worth worrying about.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I had one friend growing up between second grade and twelvth grade. One.

And I wasn't supposed to be seen with her at school. It's not her fault. If people knew she was my friend, they would have beat her up too.

It was the cool thing for the boys in my town to hit me, knock me down, grope me, spit on me, etc. The boys.

I was too different, too poor, my worldview was totally different. My goals too. I came to school with fight or flight and came home to the same. Violence was a constant. Most of my clothes were shared with my mother. I didn't really get back to school clothes and shoes.

I never saw the movies that came out. I never went roller skating. I had never been inside a shopping mall until I was nearly twenty years old. I didn't really even have shoes or a jacket for a while other than the shoes my toes were squished into for a few years, or the windbreaker that was torn in several places that wouldn't zip up because I got it several years prior.

There were several year gaps where I didn't even get photographed because we didn't own a camera.

I remember someone brought over books for me. 80s books for girls. Like Sweet Valley High and Babysitters Club. They were left in the box out in the rain. I was not to touch them. I snuck some, carefully peeling apart the pages stuck together from the rain and got in serious trouble.

I was told by everyone that I was ugly and fat and weird. I got beat up by boys and girls and adults. I was told by teachers that I had no value. I would come to school as a small child smelling of marijuana and teachers would try to bust me. When it wasn't me. I was just a little girl.

I learned to run. Running as far as as fast as I could. Even straight uphill, over boulders and through canyons. I learned to trust animals. I learned to forage. I learned to teach myself.

My life was so different from anything most people have experienced.

It brings great pain. But it is my life. And within all the torment, there was beauty too. Like a canyon that sparkled pink every dawn and dusk, that was my canyon. Belonged to me.

Real roadrunners and coyotes. I could make adobe. I could water witch. I could feel in the air when a storm was coming. I could charm birds and horses.

But to this day, all I remember is the constant lesson throughout the years that I'm ugly. So disfigured that I shouldn't show my face outside as to not disgust people.

I see their faces, their assaults like a montage in a movie. That was my life. And it's all I know.

I'm still trying to escape. But at the same time, all I want with all my heart is to just go home.

 

[Misty Avich]

I think I just feel resentment because I'd basically missed out on my teenage life by being forced to be socially isolated. It sparks anger and is another reason why I don't want to have a child on the spectrum with the possibility of seeing the same happen to them. I guess my parents were lucky I didn't turn to drugs to deal with my social isolation. It's a wonder I didn't. Strangely I seemed quite oblivious to the existence of drugs, even though I watched South Park and listened to Eminem. I guess drugs just went over my head and I didn't really come into contact with anyone who did drugs so I never got into it.

I have an autobiographical memory, which most of the time can feel like a blessing, because if I close my eyes I can almost relive the past like I'm watching it on video. Also I am into nostalgia. But it has its downsides too, where bad memories also stay in my mind forever and can feed my depression.

 

[thejuice]

Damn, some brutal rejections. It's a wonder how we coped.

 

[Misty Avich]

Damn, some brutal rejections. It's a wonder how we coped.

Yes, yet I seemed to take it in my stride back then. I felt hurt but didn't really react to those feelings. I just pushed them deep down and kind of accepted that I was worth that treatment. But when I got older I began to realise that I was worth a lot better than that and it triggered deeper feelings of hurt and resentment that started to rise to the surface and is why I feel the way I do as an adult. Childhood trauma can have that effect on people.

Especially knowing the fact that my cousins and my siblings all had successful relationships with their peers as adolescents and don't have bad memories of horrible social rejection that will disturb them for the rest of their lives.

 

[Rodafina]

I think that holding on to past hurts can lead to lifelong unhappiness. What we remember from the past is from the perspective of a much younger version of ourselves and it is very important to apply the critical thinking that comes with maturity. Processing these emotions as we grow is a way to prevent rumination and continued hurt from past experiences.

The important piece is to separate those experiences from our perception of who we are. Dealing with mean or even cruel people does not have to deflate our own sense of self. It makes sense that it may have that effect, but this is a cognitive bias that can be overcome with effort and support. Holding on to hurt can be very detrimental to one's life and learning how to move on from very difficult experiences is important.

I am not trying to minimize the enormous pain that rejection can cause. It is valid to feel that way. I also think that there are active steps we can take (within our own minds) to let it go and not allow that pain to be a persistent part of our lives. A mindset that allows regret, resentment, or perpetual hurt to grow is not conducive to living a contented life.