Pathological Demand anxiety/avoidance

[syntheticnatural]

I've come across this in some of my reading, and it is something I struggle with immensely. I avoid positively everything you could think of, and it's cost me a lot in terms of grades, employment, and just every day life. I used to think of it as procrastination, but it's just so much more severe than anyone else I know can relate to.

I'm glad to have found somewhat of an explanation, but info on help and treatment is pretty sparse. Does anyone have any experience with this?

 

[Gritches]

Can I ask: do you feel like it's a lack of motivation to do these things? If you liken it to extreme procrastination, you might be lacking in initiative, which is a part of motivation.

Are there any times or circumstances when this isn't a problem?

 

[syntheticnatural]

I've always figured it was a lack of motivation, but I don't really have an understanding of how that differentiates from any other cause. Could you clarify?

I've tried every single piece of anti-procrastination advice there is, to no avail. I remember being in elementary school, working on an assignment in class and just hating every minute of it. So I would just stop working on it and promise myself I'd take it home for homework. And it wasn't like I resisted working in class because I wanted to be doing something else that was more fun..when I stopped working, I'd just sit quietly at my desk, doing absolutely nothing, until the teacher ended work time.

Then at home that evening, I'd put off the assignment all night until bedtime and then it became a big fight between me and my mother. Often times, I'd be scrawling the assignment together on the bus ride to school the next morning because I didn't get up to finish it with the extra early alarm I had set. (Or I'd get up with the early alarm and read a book instead of doing my homework until my mom got up to get my little brother ready. I was a voracious reader.)

And they were easy assignments! I was one of those kids who caught on easily without having to try much, so the problem was never that the work was too hard, I just hated doing it SO MUCH.

The same pattern followed me through high school. Tons of missing assignments, but I passed because as long as I showed up, I learned the material well enough to do well on the tests.

Same story in college, except this time I couldn't pass my classes without doing all the work. So I dropped out. Re enrolled a few years later to the same end. Did that a total of 4 times before I was finally able to stick with it enough to finish an associates degree in my 30's, and that's largely do to the nature of my program.

This has caused problems with everything "adult." Keeping my home clean, cooking for myself, paying bills on time..I avoid all of it.

The only thing I've never reacted this way to is rehearsal and practice for the various musical ensembles I've played for. I play the violin, and even when I'm too tired for rehearsal, I still go and I don't resent it. It's really too bad my playing level isn't high enough to make a living off of.

 

[syntheticnatural]

It's interesting that you indicate this as two people I know well are similar. They've adapted their lives to suit this. One has a cleaner and buys ready made meals and another has set up automatic monthly payment of their bills. Don't know if this is a solution, but it works quite well for them.
One of the things I never put off is cleaning, for some reason, yet I also use my desire to paint and draw as a reward for doing the things I don't like. Kind of a carrot on a stick method. Perhaps you might use the time playing music as a reward for doing some of the other things beforehand.

I've tried the carrot and stick method, but I just end up deciding that I don't want whatever the carrot is anymore. Like in the evening, I'll get hungry, but can't face making any food, so I'll just go to bed hungry. Or, I won't have groceries in the house to make anything, so I'll just eat like a scoop of peanut butter instead of going to the store to keep my stomach from grumbling. It's that bad.

Grocery shopping is overwhelming. Sometimes I can do ok if I make a specific list, but oftentimes I can't make it through my whole list before I just have to get out of there.

I'm currently in a city I hate, and don't belong to any musical ensembles, so there's not even anything to "reward" myself with. I'm trying to get work and relocate to a new city, but every time I approach any of the paperwork it would take, my anxiety goes through the roof.

Bills aren't so bad anymore now that they can all be done online, but I'm still not great at it.

 

[Chance]

I've come across this in some of my reading, and it is something I struggle with immensely. I avoid positively everything you could think of, and it's cost me a lot in terms of grades, employment, and just every day life. I used to think of it as procrastination, but it's just so much more severe than anyone else I know can relate to.

I'm glad to have found somewhat of an explanation, but info on help and treatment is pretty sparse. Does anyone have any experience with this?

Most people have some battle with procrastination, but maybe sometimes its fear and lies we have came to believe about ourselves.

I can be a really messy guy at times who puts things off till the last minute and often my life starts getting HARDER not easier... So its not hard to figure out what I must do.

I need to eat and I like to eat healthy because it makes me feel MUCH better... So I have to go to these horrible stores that are loud and crazy. I go when its least crowded on mid day mid week if at all possible.

I cant stand my home to be dirty so I clean as I go mostly... If I let it get messy I face the fact its a mess an it messes me up... So I just start in one place... I pick up all my dirty clothes, I sort them, I start washing them... I put up any clean dishes and start cleaning the dirty ones. I pickup all the stuff I have moved out its place and put it back in its place... Its simple just go for the GOAL of how good it feels when things are clean and in their place...

In the mornings I REFUSE to hit the snooze! I get up... not five minutes later, RIGHT THEN! I stretch a little usually hit the shower right out of bed... It wakes me up and I tend to get so much more done. I put on something positive or some good music... I find a place for my head to find a groove to be in a good mood (if at all possible)...

I make list of things I need to do for the day while eating breakfast... I get up and go for the worst thing I don't want to do first! This gives me a win, and helps me get to the next task. I love the feeling at the end of the day to wad that list up and toss it in the trash! A win is a win... You need a win, and YOU have to manufacture one and once you do... : ) Its all up to you and you just find the little things that allow you to navigate what at times seems impossible.

I get you so much more than you probably think... I fight to win, because all I will have to look at is me being a loser... We are not losers! We are people who have to do things very different than others to make it all work out.

Good luck to you and I hope you find ways to get some little wins that become a victory at some point a little later.

 

[onlything]

It sounds a lot like what I used to do and still tend to even if to a lesser extent. The first question that may lead to lessening your avoidance is 'why'. Why are you avoiding it? Is it just because you hate the job? Are you bored while doing it? Anxious that you won't do it well enough? Resentful that you have to do it? Saying that you have a problem is a first step for a pathotological procrastinator/avoidant but it's just a start of a rather long way.

I used to do it due to perfectionism and low self-worth. Since I thought that everything I do ends in failure anyway, I started to resent everything that I had to do since it would bring nothing more than disappointment and self-loathing. Whatever is your reason, knowing it is rather important on the 'path of change'.

Concerning tasks you need to do, I found rather useful the Pomodorro Technique. 25 minutes of full focus on the task, 10 minutes of free time, repeat. Other than this the only thing that can change it is... your own willingness to change and work hard for that.

 

[syntheticnatural]

It sounds a lot like what I used to do and still tend to even if to a lesser extent. The first question that may lead to lessening your avoidance is 'why'. Why are you avoiding it? Is it just because you hate the job? Are you bored while doing it? Anxious that you won't do it well enough? Resentful that you have to do it? Saying that you have a problem is a first step for a pathotological procrastinator/avoidant but it's just a start of a rather long way.

I used to do it due to perfectionism and low self-worth. Since I thought that everything I do ends in failure anyway, I started to resent everything that I had to do since it would bring nothing more than disappointment and self-loathing. Whatever is your reason, knowing it is rather important on the 'path of change'.

Concerning tasks you need to do, I found rather useful the Pomodorro Technique. 25 minutes of full focus on the task, 10 minutes of free time, repeat. Other than this the only thing that can change it is... your own willingness to change and work hard for that.

Bored, anxious, resentful. Yes to all three, in varying amounts, depending on the particular issue. I also have a wicked perfectionist streak that I've managed to tame somewhat over the years.

I've read several books on procrastination and I've tried all the advice, but it never makes any difference. For some reason, I have a particular thorn in my side for "break large tasks down into smaller, manageable chunks."

I wouldn't do well work the Pomodorro Technique. Taking breaks makes things worse for me because I spend the whole break time dreading whatever I'm going back to. Very often, if I take a break, I end up just stopping altogether. So if I've started something, I best not stop until it's finished.

With most things, I would quite literally prefer to sit and stare at a blank wall in place of whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. I've thought to myself that I would be pretty good in an hours-long police interrogation because sitting in a plain room for hours at a time is something I can do fairly easily. I really can't think of anything that would feel like a reward to me, even if I pretend that I have all the options in the world, no matter how expensive. I know that sounds a lot like depression, but my mood is fine.

 

[syntheticnatural]

I've bolted several times from the grocery store. In other instances I've made it through. It must depend on whether it's a priority, that I have to have the food to function or to make it though the weeks. Recently I've been eating only vegetables and fruit and know I need protein yet can't make myself go and buy those things.

As long as your health is not being compromised irrevocably, you'll likely get to the point where it does become a priority for a time.

For a long time, I worked in restaurants, so most of what I ate was at work. At home, I pretty much stuck with breakfast cereal and the odd fruit. My diet could be a little erratic, but in your 20's, that's kind of expected. Now I don't work in restaurants anymore, and I've tried a few (very few) actual recipes that turned out well enough, and I'm struck by how much work it is just to feed oneself properly. And then the cleanup! I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

 

[onlything]

Bored, anxious, resentful. Yes to all three, in varying amounts, depending on the particular issue. I also have a wicked perfectionist streak that I've managed to tame somewhat over the years.

I've read several books on procrastination and I've tried all the advice, but it never makes any difference. For some reason, I have a particular thorn in my side for "break large tasks down into smaller, manageable chunks."

I wouldn't do well work the Pomodorro Technique. Taking breaks makes things worse for me because I spend the whole break time dreading whatever I'm going back to. Very often, if I take a break, I end up just stopping altogether. So if I've started something, I best not stop until it's finished.

With most things, I would quite literally prefer to sit and stare at a blank wall in place of whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. I've thought to myself that I would be pretty good in an hours-long police interrogation because sitting in a plain room for hours at a time is something I can do fairly easily. I really can't think of anything that would feel like a reward to me, even if I pretend that I have all the options in the world, no matter how expensive. I know that sounds a lot like depression, but my mood is fine.

I understand. I have the exact same attitude towards some things, although I am depressed. The only thing I can think of is the old-fashioned 'grit your teeth' way. Will and brain are like muscles, untrained in your and mine position, and if you let them go through easily with no repercussions, it will create bad habits that are really hard to get rid of. It's like letting a kid eat sweets all the time and then expecting them to have healthy diet in adulthood.

So, the only thing I can think of is to force yourself. Do some of the things you resent every day, starting with twenty minutes per day, always at the same time, making it longer and longer with time. A structure and a plan, a routine, may be your allies in this if this is what you prefer.