People pleasing to get by

[Lysander]

Hey everyone,

I find myself being a people pleaser, all the time, and especially at work. I don't like that I act this way, but I can't think of any other way around it.

I don't know what people are thinking and feeling most of the time. All I know is that people like compliments and don't like being told when they're wrong. How can I manage relationships with people i can't understand?

People say "just be yourself", yeah well, "just myself" hates having to interact with those people, and thinks of them along the lines of NPCs. I fear I would not be able to "be myself", and be employed, simultaneously.

What do you guys feel? What are your thoughts

 

[Clueless in Canada]

I relate to this. I can see how I might be misdiagnosed as Borderline Personality or Co-dependent because of what you describe. Just today I figured out that the difference is, as you say, the reasons for people pleasing and poor boundaries are more to do with not being able to read or understand people and just trying to cope than actually having poor self esteem or no sense of self. It's not that I don't have boundaries, but that I am never sure when they are being violated or if and how to say so. It is easier to avoid conflict or confusion and just aim to please, and it isn't crazy to do this to try to make a relationship or employment situation work.

Having said that, it isn't necessarily healthy or in our own best interests in the long run. I am fortunate to be out of the work world and to have a partner who gets me but it hasn't always been that way.

 

[Fino]

OMG I'VE ALWAYS SAID I THINK OF PEOPLE AS NPCS AND HAVE NEVER HEARD ANOTHER PERSON SAY IT

Thank you!! For some reason, that makes me very happy.
Maybe it makes me feel less like a sociopath or less lonely or something.

I'm not sure what to respond to what you actually said though, because I have similar problems. My only friends are so extraordinarily kind that those things don't matter, but for general, less intimate relationships, it's chaos.

 

[Dubz]

Hey everyone,

I find myself being a people pleaser, all the time, and especially at work. I don't like that I act this way, but I can't think of any other way around it.

I don't know what people are thinking and feeling most of the time. All I know is that people like compliments and don't like being told when they're wrong. How can I manage relationships with people i can't understand?

People say "just be yourself", yeah well, "just myself" hates having to interact with those people, and thinks of them along the lines of NPCs. I fear I would not be able to "be myself", and be employed, simultaneously.

What do you guys feel? What are your thoughts

Yeah I totally relate. I think this is where our masking comes into play. Especially at work. I don't think most of us can truly be ourselves and remain employed. I have been a people pleaser most of my life. I genuinely want most people(unless I can tell they're a piece of !!it) to like me. I try to be kind and help out when I can. I've noticed I will literally work 3 times harder than just about anyone else. It does not help. It will never help. Not yourself anyway. Unless you're running your own game, you will be used. I say this knowing at my next job which is hopefully soon, I'll fall into the same damn trap, once again. I have no advice to offer, just letting you know you are not alone. My tendency has been to SNAP! I leave abruptly, before I go postal. Better to be unemployed than in prison is how I look at. I will not do prison. Death sounds better to me. Coworkers man, fricking coworkers. If my coworker could be my dog I'd be livin the dream. I feel for ya and hope things get better, I really wish I advice but I don't. We should all get together, succeed from the union and start our own country/companies. For all the BIG BROTHERS reading this, I am not a terrorist and USA is the SHIZZLE!

 

[Dubz]

I forgot to ask what is an NPC? I feel dumb asking but at the moment I have no idea what that is. I think I may have responded so strongly to your post because I have been trying to get a job very recently with no success and I already know that wherever I'm hired, and I will get hired somewhere, that going in, I will not fit in. That's just a fact I have to face as most of here do. Yet I need a job. I need a job. Yeah, what a BI#!$! I often wish I could I claim ten acres of land, build a tree fort and say TO ALL this is mine! Step off! Or suffer the consequences, which would be very bloody I assure you. Ya,'ll know, cept for that whole Big Brother Prison thing. I can't be the only here who wishes we lived in "medieval" times. Eye for an eye. SO MUCH SIMPLER. If I'm crazy I am , so be it.

 

[Isadoorian]

I forgot to ask what is an NPC?

NPC stands for Non-Player or Non Playable Character; so Enemies, Allies, Quest Givers, and Merchants in Video Games (The Witcher 3, The Elder Scrolls V Skyrim, Fallout, etc.) or TableTop Pen & Paper Role Playing Games (Dungeons and Dragons, Pathfinder, etc) who aren't you, the controllable Player Character.

Non-player character - Wikipedia

 

[Fino]

Generic robots with pre-programmed dialogue that either serve a single specific purpose or serve no purpose but to fill space.

 

[Suzanne]

I used to be a people pleaser and I so agree with you, that it is not a good feeling.

I think that it was when I realised how, well, lack in substance, most are, that I learned to have my own thinking pattern and could not just say yes or no, when I saw how it affected others.

However, when I suspect that someone has an issue with me, sadly, I do go out of my way to make it different, because it is no good asking if something is wrong.

 

[BeachLife]

Hey everyone,

I find myself being a people pleaser, all the time, and especially at work. I don't like that I act this way, but I can't think of any other way around it.

I don't know what people are thinking and feeling most of the time. All I know is that people like compliments and don't like being told when they're wrong. How can I manage relationships with people i can't understand?

People say "just be yourself", yeah well, "just myself" hates having to interact with those people, and thinks of them along the lines of NPCs. I fear I would not be able to "be myself", and be employed, simultaneously.

What do you guys feel? What are your thoughts

Yes! Im so sick of that about myself! and sychronistic timing for me reading your post...I recently decided to change my tone and body language when chatting with people as I finally somehow recognised that I seem like a pushover because I SO intently listen and behave quite submissively out of force of habit. No harm in just trialing different communication Styles....especially when my past behavior has never worked for me

 

[Adora]

I’m the same and been taken advantage of in the process.

 

[VioletAudio]

I could write a book on all the times I have been used by others just so I didn't makes waves or have to deal with conflict. It's been a really large part of my journey through life. Working on treating myself better and showing myself more love has helped me decrease my limit on abuse. I at least draw the line on negative words about me more. I just end up sometimes overcompensating and being very aggressive and passionately defensive of myself or others. It can create it's own problems. Like one time at work I blew up at a random stranger based on my assumption that they had taken something. It was unreasonable and I found out that my boss had let them take it. So I looked like a mean person and got my boss mad at me. So tread lightly and try to remember you are worthy of love and respect from all you meet.

 

[Progster]

Yes and no. I used to be like that to try to make and keep friends, and some took advantage of that. But then I would screw up by saying or doing the wrong thing, or being too blunt.

 

[china autie]

I have given up on people-pleasing. No. I want to not people-pleasing and I am working hard not to.

This results in even less social interaction right. Maybe that will change. Bit first I have to figure out if I want it to.

I do not fit in. I have never fit in. Nowadays I settle for a sense of belonging.

I work mostly alone with minor interactions and my boss is an angel.

Other work experiences were not so.

I am not good at conforming. People-pleasing is just another version of trying to fit in. I am tired and want to stop.

 

[paloftoon]

Be a people pleaser where it helps you keep your job, but if you won't lose your job by standing up for yourself, then stand up for yourself. Keep negative sounding communication 1-1. Or, no matter what, make something negative positive by suggesting positive solutions and if you don't want to go to something, it's safer to make up an excuse if possible if it is not during work hours and if work is not paying for it.