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People talk too much about tests and I unfortunately care

vergil96

vergil96

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I think maybe posting this will help, I don't know.

Today I had a dream. That my group of friends (I haven't known them for long) went out to this most busy street I hate, next to the central railway station, I went with them. And they decided to go to a psychological testing center, they claimed it was worth it, because it can offer some more self-understanding. I knew all these tests, already did most of them. The authors of the tests claimed to measure different types of neurodiversity. Yes, it comes up in my friend group. I knew these tests and I knew they wouldn't detect anything for me, because they asked questions such as "do you like" or "do you go to x" in terms of sensitivity, and I have no opinion about many things, they just drill a hole in my brain and make me vomit and I see a countdown taking off. If I don't leave or find a toilet in a limited time span, I will vomit in public, shake, things like that. They wouldn't also detect my attention deficits, because I have good memory and think in a scattered manner, but I don't lose information while losing focus. Then I couldn't hear the instructions, because there were too many people and it was loud, and some machine like AC turned on and it was extremely loud, I told them to turn it off, because it makes me nauseous, but they claimed it's not loud and possible to ignore, nobody saw the problem and all my supposedly neurodiverse friends didn't have to leave, I had to. I also saw many "rich privileged kids" I knew from high school being around and being excited. Someone tried to convince me to do these test later in free time in order to not stand out when I went outside and was able to get some fresh air away from this crowd that claimed to be sensitive and enjoyed this AC and the crowd and no fresh air and smell of too many people inside.

It also relied on the notion of "understanding" which annoys me super much in daily life. People think that if you "behave wrong", it means you don't understand. I have had my problems repeatedly minimized and still do because I can do things and understand what the "right" thing to do is. How about I don't want to? But I need to be perfect and anything less is met with comments and scolding. I can't handle that, I'm angry already. Everyone else does what they want, because "they don't understand" and then they are being explained and genuinely forget over and over and over. I don't even want to listen to that BS. They are forcing me over and over into interactions I don't want to take part in on a scale that is devastating.

The tests work for them, fine, but they are far from perfect and they don't work for me. Do I need more stamps than a psychotherapist who finally explained my challenges in a way that makes sense, works, and is compatible with my observations of how I work? Why does it need confirmation from people who offer me harmful solutions? If it works, it works, it means a theory was true. That's how science is done. Why do tests that suggests interpretations and solutions that have an effect opposite to the intended one? Why do I have to take part in that and convince them over and over? I don't even care, it's just completely untrue opinions based on limited viewpoints, yet I have to take part and have the emotions in my system. It's unfair. I wish I could just turn the conversation off and play music in my head instead. Or something, Or that they didn't talk like that. Some tests are a limited tool that works perhaps in 50% or 60% of cases? Or 30%? Who knows? It's not an oracle. This is so nonsense, I wish I didn't care.
 
Was all of that just a dream or are your friends doing these things? In all honesty I think you'd do no worse than to go to a fortune teller for a palm reading.

You saw my diagnosis and how I was very systematically interrogated by a panel of experts for more than 3 hours, the kinds of tests you're talking about can't be taken as any more than light entertainment.
 
do you know why you do care so much? Do you need to go through with the tests for personal validation? Social validation? Benefits or services access? What’s your reason for caring?
 
Outdated said:
Was all of that just a dream or are your friends doing these things? In all honesty I think you'd do no worse than to go to a fortune teller for a palm reading.

You saw my diagnosis and how I was very systematically interrogated by a panel of experts for more than 3 hours, the kinds of tests you're talking about can't be taken as any more than light entertainment.
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It was a dream that exaggerated situations that have happened and put all the awful situations that have happened into one scenario. It means that I still am very worried about it all even though I'm actively talking myself out of it, looking at the emotions the dreams has elicited. I woke up and couldn't shake it off for a few hours at least.

They talk about the diagnoses and a few people questioned me, because I didn't go through the official process. (The idea came from a psychotherapist and it makes perfect sense, as I said before) They accepted my explanations... but I have to explain myself why I'm not doing it. I feel pressured, even if the pressure comes from not bad will, but initial limited perspective of some people. I understand what happened, but it left me feeling invalid.

I went through psychological diagnosis earlier for other reasons and it just showed I have no personality disorders, and showed I had no depression when I did. In my experiences, the diagnosticians invalidated me a lot, failed to recognize my problems, one described me as having a negative attitude when I was dealing with toxic behaviours from others, but couldn't assert myself in front of her. Another two diagnosticians completely overlooked my needs and told me I have no problems when I do and that I don't deserve help. I'm not exaggerating that. They found it fake that I make notes and then read what I want them to know. Then one got offended over nothing when I wasn't attacking anyone (probably typical autism problem) just stating my preferences and not being a professional journalist, so my choice of wording can be poor at times and some people find short answers offensive too.

The problem is, I don't come across as autistic, I come across as a surly to these people. I think they have too high expectations. I'm quite typical for an engineer or a programmer and they want everyone to be a writer or a salesperson. I don't want to or like having a "people job". But still - I can't convince them of anything, because I'm a bad actor even if the concern I have is genuine, I'm just generally somewhat unexpressive and not talkative unless you hit my special interest button. Some of these psychologists and alike people attack me that I'm repressing feelings on purpose, but I just don't... I'm not great at telling what I feel. I often don't even feel it, I tell by observing my own behaviours or certain reactions in my body. I even got accused of promoting patriarchy, because I'm like that, it's absurd. I have a problem and get attacked for having it by those from whom I seek help.

Will someone who specializes in autism be better? I went to someone whose specialization was autism just because se was recommended by another doctor who was good. And she said I don't have Asperger's when I asked "because I don't have deficits, I just have interests like many people with Asperger's and can see both sides of the coin". I left her, because she said that when I didn't like certain parties, because I hated them overall for the crowd, loud music and the such, it was social anxiety and I needed to push through, I tried and it just made me lose it and I felt only worse and didn't feel fear at all, I thought that screw her, I know I hate it, why do that? Same was with needing time to reset at home, she was all like, you're depressed, you need to push through it and I knew very well she was bullshitting, because it had nothing to do with sadness and my conclusion was that she was unsensitive and couldn't comprehend what it's like to see more and feel more than her and this is exactly why she pushed like a dinosaur and didn't notice how I felt, because she didn't perceive what she did as hurtful and I would need to metaphorically hit her with a brick in order to make any impression, and I'm not up for having to deal with people like that, sorry, goodbye.

I doubt that someone specializing in autism would do better for me. I'm not an obvious case, just someone who comes across as very calm, collected, "organized like a Swiss clock", sulky, surly and science-minded. The only obvious interpersonal thing is bad eye contact, direct eye contact too overwhelming for me and I wouldn't hear what someone is saying if I looked at them very often. It seems like assessments work only for people who are more obvious, and I'm less obvious than even most non-obvious late-diagnosed autists, I can see it reading and hearing their experiences and how they describe themselves.

I also don't want to get my parents involved, because I don't want to worry them and they would be very worried.

And I don't have that much money too. NHS would rejects me, because it doesn't approve medical treatment that isn't an because of an immediate danger or very disabling. They push off people who have problems that aren't like a broken bone, heart attack, ASD-3 etc. The NHS is underfunded, so that's a large part of this problem.
 
Rodafina said:
do you know why you do care so much? Do you need to go through with the tests for personal validation? Social validation? Benefits or services access? What’s your reason for caring?
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I don't know why I'm so worried about it, I often don't feel valid, accepted, I feel unheard, talked over. I doubt if I'm making things up.

It would be for personal and social validation. Maybe more so social validation. I don't think I need any services or benefits that I don't have access to. Idk, just a psychologist who is knowledgeable about neurodiversity.

I either care, because it was too much to be questioned by a few people or because it comes from past experiences of being told I'm making my problems up and being rejected for not fitting in. Or both. Past experiences aren't to overcome overnight, obviously, it's a process. And you need to come up with a way to positively deal with some type of situations to overcome them, and I'm not sure how to deal with invalidation and rejection. My therapist says it can be coming from being completely misunderstood as neurodiverent person, over and over and over and having my problems perceived as minor, made up, attention seeking etc.
 
vergil96 said:
I don't know why I'm so worried about it, I often don't feel valid, accepted, I feel unheard, talked over. I doubt if I'm making things up.

It would be for personal and social validation. Maybe more so social validation. I don't think I need any services or benefits that I don't have access to. Idk, just a psychologist who is knowledgeable about neurodiversity.

I either care, because it was too much to be questioned by a few people or because it comes from past experiences of being told I'm making my problems up and being rejected for not fitting in. Or both. Past experiences aren't to overcome overnight, obviously, it's a process. And you need to come up with a way to positively deal with some type of situations to overcome them, and I'm not sure how to deal with invalidation and rejection. My therapist says it can be coming from being completely misunderstood as neurodiverent person, over and over and over and having my problems perceived as minor, made up, attention seeking etc.
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I understand. I am grateful for the categorization of self determination/self diagnosis here. There are very few people that I have actually used the word autism with outside of the forum. Just my immediate family and my mental health professionals.
 
Rodafina said:
I understand. I am grateful for the categorization of self determination/self diagnosis here. There are very few people that I have actually used the word autism with outside of the forum. Just my immediate family and my mental health professionals.
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I just told my parents, because they see something is going on with the burnout and want to help and a few friends with whom neurodiversity comes up in conversations. I largely feel like it's something I just need to share with some people, but doesn't matter for interactions with most of the world.

A couple of them got diagnosed for ADHD and one of them got diagnosed with autism during the process (AuDHD to be specific), one had difficulties at school, and one... I guess too and "with life" as he described it, but got diagnosed late. I knew a couple of years ago two other people who got diagnosed with autism, because they had difficulties at school.

With ADHD it's a bit different, because people want access to medication. I'm pretty sure I have ADHD or at least lived with this conviction (professionals said I have the symptoms, but they don't impact me in a negative way, so no need to diagnose or treat it) and have benefited from self-help guides. Probably there are plenty of people who don't pursue ADHD diagnosis, for the same reasons as me - a self-help guide is enough.
 
vergil96 said:
Will someone who specializes in autism be better?
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Yes!
And Yes! And Yes again!

Stop looking for validation from cheap charlatans and snake oil salesmen. That's all most therapists really are, they get their cheap pop psychology off the back of the WeetBix box.

Ask how many people in this forum have been misdiagnosed and put on regimes of drugs that have destroyed their lives. The numbers are huge.
 
Outdated said:
That's all most therapists really are,
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I'm glad I'm not the only one to notice that. People talk about them as if it was serious science that they're doing. Idk, maybe if you have no real problems, what I described above works.

Outdated said:
Ask how many people in this forum have been misdiagnosed and put on regimes of drugs that have destroyed their lives. The numbers are huge.
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Really?
 
Okay so I've been doing research and found a psychiatrist who seems to be specialising in autism, to be autistic himself (plus 100 in terms of trust - I got sick and tired of having some of the sensory concerns perceived as silly and based in fear) and who is liked by patients. If someone had some tips, it can be worth going, because if someone has tips how to deal with that, it would be good.

Although I'm slowly stopping to panic, because something seems to be going in a positive direction, everything more or less came back to normal after I started to follow a schedule with all the daily activities and stopped functioning in a constant rush from extreme hunger to exhaustion from poor sleep to agitation, sleeping during the day, not being able to sleep and stopped forgetting about most crucial things. Ooof. I'm just wary of keeping up with the schedule and not overdoing the more ambitious activities... I don't want to burn out just before the next term begins.
 
I am self-diagnosed because I have read and investigated a lot about autism and I fall in the spectrum almost perfectly.

Personally, to me, I don't need a paper to tell me I have this or that because I know how I feel and how I act. Also, this is not a college course in which you need a piece of paper to get a degree. I understand that to get certain things I wish I had (disability) I do need that piece of paper.

If I could get some form of disability income I'd be fine and able to do a low paying job or something that I'd love to do.

I now know what I have and that has given me a lot of peace of mind, I don't need any test to know that I am not like everyone else. Not saying i'm a weirdo but I am just wired differently and have very different interests than the rest of the world.

Again, that is just my personal opinion, not belittling you or starting an argument.
 
elgat0verde said:
Personally, to me, I don't need a paper to tell me I have this or that because I know how I feel and how I act.
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I applaud the attitude here, I believe you see things in a good light.
elgat0verde said:
I understand that to get certain things I wish I had (disability) I do need that piece of paper.
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Mexico just drastically overhauled and updated it's disability pension scheme last year. Have anonther look and see if you can get any support from it now.

https://www.gob.mx/sre/prensa/mexic...pension-for-people-with-disabilities?idiom=en
 
Outdated said:
Mexico just drastically overhauled and updated it's disability pension scheme last year. Have anonther look and see if you can get any support from it now.
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Oh I mean in the US

I have dual citizenship and it would be pretty helpful getting dollars and make them pesos, or even just somehow manage to get help through the US to go back.

But thank you
 
I did more research, in my area the testing is pretty much what I did before + the attention span and processing speed type of tests. I think I can consider myself pretty much tested minus the interview... I'm still processing my frustration over the whole thing though. I hate being talked over and invalidated like that. "You can't know without testing", "Only tests are objective" and things like that.

Idk this psychiatrist won't tell me anything I don't already know.
 
vergil96 said:
I did more research, in my area the testing is pretty much what I did before + the attention span and processing speed type of tests. I think I can consider myself pretty much tested minus the interview... I'm still processing my frustration over the whole thing though. I hate being talked over and invalidated like that. "You can't know without testing", "Only tests are objective" and things like that.

Idk this psychiatrist won't tell me anything I don't already know.
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Devon Price's book Unmasking Autism might be of some help to you. Here are his thoughts on self diagnosis:

"Medical documentation does not make your experience any more real. Self-realized Autistics are not lesser members of the community. In most Autistic self-advocacy spaces I frequent, I have no idea who is diagnosed and who is not, because it truly does not matter. I believe that Autistic people have the right to define who we are, and that self-definition is a means of reclaiming our power from the medical establishment that has long sought to corral and control us."
...
"For all the reasons outlined above, I firmly support Autistic self-determination. I prefer the terms self-determination or self-realization to self-diagnosis, because I believe it’s more sensible to view Autistic identity through a social lens than a strictly medical one.[75] Diagnosis is a gatekeeping process, and it slams its heavy bars in the face of anyone who is too poor, too busy, too Black, too feminine, too queer, and too gender nonconforming, among others. The Autistics who lack access to fair diagnoses need solidarity and justice the most desperately out of all of us, and we can’t just shut them out."
 
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