people who say they don't want help

[madisen622]

why is it most men i’ve known don’t want help with their problems? they just give up when one thing goes wrong?

my boyfriend is NEVER hungry. for context, he has REALLY bad anxiety. i’ve been hungry for hours. i asked him if he’s ever seen a therapist about it and he said no. we got into the conversation of him taking medicine, he’s been prescribed medicine he just won’t take it. i asked him if he would find an alternative medicine to help him because it gives him awful side effects and he said he didn’t want to. im fuming writing this down as i WANT to help him but he doesn’t want help. he said he doesn’t want to “rely on medicine for help” in which i said relying on medicine doesn’t make you weak if it works, i take four medications myself.

i guess im just asking for advice, should i just give up and wait until he gets a little hungry late at night or just find myself some food and eat in front of him at a restaurant? i’d feel bad but if that’s what it takes, so be it.

 

[Outdated]

I'd just eat. I can get grumpy when I'm hungry too so it's best to let me eat.

What happens if you shove a plate of food in front of him? Does he start eating even though he isn't hungry?

The act of eating has a psychological effect too, it calms our anxieties and fears. When transporting horses they tend to get nervous and skittish, putting their nose in a feed bag usually solves the problem. Also with soldiers serving active duty, when they return from a mission the very first thing that happens to them is that they get fed, and debrief to commanding officers doesn't happen until after they've eaten. That way they are much more calm and collected when giving their reports.

 

[madisen622]

I'd just eat. I can get grumpy when I'm hungry too so it's best to let me eat.

What happens if you shove a plate of food in front of him? Does he start eating even though he isn't hungry?

The act of eating has a psychological effect too, it calms our anxieties and fears. When transporting horses they tend to get nervous and skittish, putting their nose in a feed bag usually solves the problem. Also with soldiers serving active duty, when they return from a mission the very first thing that happens to them is that they get fed, and debrief to commanding officers doesn't happen until after they've eaten. That way they are much more calm and collected when giving their reports.

thank you i appreciate your input.

honestly, when food is in front of him he’ll eat but it’s rare he eats period.

 

[Outdated]

honestly, when food is in front of him he’ll eat but it’s rare he eats period.

That's probably your best answer then. Eat to suit yourself, shove food in front of him too and he can eat or not as he pleases.

Interesting side note - not knowing if you're hungry or if you're thirsty or if you're too hot is a common autistic trait.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Anxiety meds don't really fix anything, they just bury it.

I had a 20+ year journey with anxiety, that improved greatly in recent years.

Whilst you may want to help him, he has to want to help himself. Changing for other people won't stick.

If you're hungry, and he isn't feeling hungry, that's ok. You can eat - he doesn't have to.

Ed

 

[madisen622]

That's probably your best answer then. Eat to suit yourself, shove food in front of him too and he can eat or not as he pleases.

Interesting side note - not knowing if you're hungry or if you're thirsty or if you're too hot is a common autistic trait.

thank you so much!

i hadn’t thought about that. i think he has some traits but id have to sit down and think about him having autism. his OCD and anxiety seem to be more prevalent.

 

[Rodafina]

Without a doubt, you should eat, @madisen622. You are not in charge of your boyfriend, but you are in charge of your own self. Trying to help your boyfriend and taking care of yourself can be two separate things. You cannot sacrifice your most basic needs like eating for someone who doesn’t want help.

At some point, you may have to assess if you can accept your boyfriend exactly as he is and not hold on to the idea that you can change him or even help him. Sure, you can offer loving support and be there for him, but that is different than making yourself starving and waiting for him to want to eat.

Definitely have some food.

 

[madisen622]

Without a doubt, you should eat, @madisen622. You are not in charge of your boyfriend, but you are in charge of your own self. Trying to help your boyfriend and taking care of yourself can be two separate things. You cannot sacrifice your most basic needs like eating for someone who doesn’t want help.

At some point, you may have to assess if you can accept your boyfriend exactly as he is and not hold on to the idea that you can change him or even help him. Sure, you can offer loving support and be there for him, but that is different than making yourself starving and waiting for him to want to eat.

Definitely have some food.

thank you. i appreciate your input.

 

[Masked Man]

There's a saying: You should not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Medications treat a problem. No sane person would say someone should not take medication that treats a chronic condition like diabetes. You can't ignore something like diabetes, hypertension, heart failure, etc.

Men (in general terms here, this is not representative of every man, but unfortunately it's too common) have a culture of individualism and toughness. It's considered "weak" to admit you have a problem. So they think they can "walk it off" and tough out a problem.

The problem is that the issue doesn't always just go away on its own. I work in a medical clinic and see many men who have become very ill because they have ignored a problem for a long time and now their wives are dragging them in to be seen. And because they live under this hero/superhero fantasy culture, they end up more ill - and guess who gets to take care of them - their wives. Trust me, you can't look like a superhero when you have a chronic condition and now have to get your leg amputated because you ignored it for years and years.

About the food - eat in front of him. He's going to have to grow up and deal with the problem. And there's no reason why you should continue to accommodate him.

 

[Judge]

Men (in general terms here, this is not representative of every man, but unfortunately it's too common) have a culture of individualism and toughness. It's considered "weak" to admit you have a problem. So they think they can "walk it off" and tough out a problem.

I just chalk such things usually up to our male ego. Reminiscent of growing up in a military household where it was customary to just "suck it up" and keep your feelings to yourself.

To "soldier on" at all times. But if a guy can't open up to his own girlfriend, that's sad.

 

[Xinyta]

my boyfriend is NEVER hungry. for context, he has REALLY bad anxiety. i’ve been hungry for hours. i asked him if he’s ever seen a therapist about it and he said no. we got into the conversation of him taking medicine, he’s been prescribed medicine he just won’t take it. i asked him if he would find an alternative medicine to help him because it gives him awful side effects and he said he didn’t want to. im fuming writing this down as i WANT to help him but he doesn’t want help. he said he doesn’t want to “rely on medicine for help” in which i said relying on medicine doesn’t make you weak if it works, i take four medications myself.

Your boyfriend sounds alot like me, in some aspects. I've, for a long time, been more or less anti-meds. Mostly due to the meds my parents had me take when I was rather young. The idea of taking meds once I was off my last anti-epileptic med, was basically serpentine to me. I'd hardly go to doctors unless coaxed to or taken by my parents. Not that I thought meds are useless. I just felt that unless I truly needed them, I'd prefer to be without them.

I've since then, recently, sucked it up and realized I need anxiety meds to function to any degree.

As far as him not hardly eatting. I really cannot suggest anything. It's his choice and his body. Though I can only imagine his mentality. It's honestly not healthy to hardly eat.

 

[Jumpinbare]

There's a saying: You should not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Build a man a fire, and he will be warm for a few hours.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm the rest of his life.

 

[Masked Man]

I just chalk such things usually up to our male ego. Reminiscent of growing up in a military household where it was customary to just "suck it up" and keep your feelings to yourself.

To "soldier on" at all times. But if a guy can't open up to his own girlfriend, that's sad.

It's not just the "male ego." It's the culture. Men are taught from a very young age that anything even remotely resembling anything related to women is wrong. So the very first violence we commit is to kill off those parts of ourselves that could be deemed "feminine." And we reinforce it amongst ourselves through our customs, our systems, and even the words we use... "throw like a girl," for example.

It's no surprise that on average women live longer, have more social connections, and have less incidences of suicide in comparisons to men. It's literally baked into our culture.

 

[Judge]

It's not just the "male ego." It's the culture. Men are taught from a very young age that anything even remotely resembling anything related to women is wrong. So the very first violence we commit is to kill off those parts of ourselves that could be deemed "feminine." And we reinforce it amongst ourselves through our customs, our systems, and even the words we use... "throw like a girl," for example.

It's no surprise that on average women live longer, have more social connections, and have less incidences of suicide in comparisons to men. It's literally baked into our culture.

I think we're both right. For a "cultural" consideration that transcends many different cultures, apart from seeming to withstand a test of time.

In essence there's something more than just culture happening in this equation.

 

[Masked Man]

I think we're both right. For a "cultural" consideration that transcends many different cultures, apart from seeming to withstand a test of time.

In essence there's something more than just culture happening in this equation.

Agreed. Name any matriarchal society. You probably can't. I know I can't.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I don't take medication for any of my neurodivergent conditions and I'm a woman.

 

[SusanLR]

Blame it on culture.
There aren't many people who can go against it.

I don't like taking medications unless it is absolutely needed due to the chemical side effects. But if the suffering and self -destruction of body is worse than the risks, it is sometimes essential.

 

[UFO]

I agree with others that you don't have to eat at same time as he does...

I am one of those people who don't feel hunger or thirst. I have a steady timetable and predefined amounts of food I eat to keep myself running properly. I can't wait for a feeling of hunger or I'll end up dead by starvation. I can guess that I am hungry only if I notice that food tastes or smells unusually good, or that I am feeling dizzy, annoyed and having headache or something like that...

If he is anything like me, it might help to remind him that if he is in low sugar, he will be angry, negative, gloomy, and on the edge, and thus snapping at people with little reason, and to prevent that you would appreciate if he would eat a little bit. (I don't know if that kind of behavior is his problem, but it sure is mine)

Reasoning and explaining things in calm manner works much better than just simple comments without explanation of rationale and reasons behind them. If I am just told that "you are doing something wrong" I might take that as an unwarranted critique against my own ability to do decisions, especially if no proof or any other reason me to accept critique is not given.

If reasoning does not help, it would then be his choice based on all information you have given to him, and there is very little to do except to trust that he might start reconsidering his stance for your sake.

Again, assuming that he is anything like me.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

why is it most men i’ve known don’t want help with their problems? they just give up when one thing goes wrong?

my boyfriend is NEVER hungry. for context, he has REALLY bad anxiety. i’ve been hungry for hours. i asked him if he’s ever seen a therapist about it and he said no. we got into the conversation of him taking medicine, he’s been prescribed medicine he just won’t take it. i asked him if he would find an alternative medicine to help him because it gives him awful side effects and he said he didn’t want to. im fuming writing this down as i WANT to help him but he doesn’t want help. he said he doesn’t want to “rely on medicine for help” in which i said relying on medicine doesn’t make you weak if it works, i take four medications myself.

i guess im just asking for advice, should i just give up and wait until he gets a little hungry late at night or just find myself some food and eat in front of him at a restaurant? i’d feel bad but if that’s what it takes, so be it.

Well, I would suggest that the main reason is this social construct that men are supposed to be mentally and physically strong, that their feelings and pain don't matter, and that they don't want to appear weak or useless in front of their partners. For many of us, the only reason to see a doctor is to get a "toe tag" when we die. As a result, by the time we actually get dragged kicking and screaming to a doctor, it may be too late.

 

[velociraptor]

Men are taught from a very young age that anything even remotely resembling anything related to women is wrong.

Not me. Product of a single mom. I can cook, sew, crochet, knit and have no interest in "male" things like sports. Didn't make me popular in school as a kid, but works out okay as an adult.