People's motives.

[Hidden]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a lot of trouble discerning peoples motives. It sounds so stupid and pathetic, but how do you know if someone genuinely wants to be your friend? There's someone at school who is being really friendly, and I don't know why. (Wow that sounds stupid). Because of my possible aspergers I'm pretty sure I come across in public as being intellectually limited, and socially inept. So why would this person want to be friends? I'm wondering if it's because they're friends with my brother - maybe they feel obligated? I don't know.

Please help?

Hidden.

 

[King_Oni]

Perhaps you're reading into motives of people too much?

Though them being friends with your brother and befriending you seems like a good argument here. But I guess then it comes down to how do they want to establish and sustain a friendship? Perhaps it's more of a "I've spoken Hidden once or twice" (and essentially just become a familiar face within their social group) rather than a "let's hang out" type of friendship.

Of course there's always the risk of people thinking you're gullible and you ending as some kind of prank. But that happens to the best of us... perhaps aspies a bit more because of the lack of social understanding, but it does happen to the best of us, on and off the spectrum.

I think it's a somewhat passive stance to look at people and wonder why they want to be your friends, while you actually should be more pro-active and choose what people you want to be your friends. You should choose from the menu, not wait what dish they serve you and decide if you settle for that.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I have that problem too, and i'm 22. I'm guessing you're younger? I work part time as a cashier, and it causes all sorts of trouble especially when a customer doesn't verbally tell me they don't want something bagged, for instance. I end up moving to bag it just as they move to grab it, and me being me i try to correct myself but they're also moving back to let me bag it and its just this huge embarrassing thing. I was the same way with friends even in college, i couldn't pick out if they enjoyed my company or if i was more of a tag along to them.

 

[Aspieistj]

I have experienced this occasionally and a few times, it was true that they were making fun of me. I did make an occasional unlikely friend and I was always careful to let them come to me. One sad thing I learned a long time ago, sometimes a person would actullay like me but their hip friends would make it clear I wasn't to be included.

 

[Judge]

I spent some time wondering pretty much the same with the three co-workers I hung out it for so many years. Came to the conclusion that I was something a bit unique to them, but not any kind of "tag-along accessory". In other words, it was my perception that ultimately made me feel like an alien at times.If they didn't like me, they wouldn't have kept me in their tight little circle for so long.

As Aspies I think we're likely to be a little suspicious of people's motives. That it's up to ourselves to overcome it and at times, take a leap of faith when another person reaches out to us. Otherwise it's more likely we'll remain alone and lonely at times.

I just feel badly for those of us who for whatever reason have such a difficult time of accepting one of those hands extended to them from time to time. We DO have value to others, even when at times we can't see it ourselves.

 

[Ereth]

I've felt the same way. But as others have said, it's possible you're over-thinking this. There may be a few times when people who say they want to be friends aren't being honest, but I'd say that's rare for most. I once had a friend who I discovered made fun of me behind my back. She's only one person, though, and I've come across many more whose intentions were sincere.

Friendships can be difficult to navigate. Sometimes you get hurt, but it's a risk everyone, Aspie or not, has to take.

 

[Cerulean]

I recently discovered I have maybe 3-4 real friends, down from the maybe dozen I thought I had. Oh well.

 

[Judge]

I recently discovered I have maybe 3-4 real friends, down from the maybe dozen I thought I had. Oh well.

Sometimes I have to admit that I'm just not sure what a "real" friend might actually be. I have lots of acquaintances in R/L but only one actual "friend", and he's hundreds of miles away with his own family now. My online prospects seem much better these days in comparison...

 

[bentHnau]

It sounds so stupid and pathetic, but how do you know if someone genuinely wants to be your friend?

It doesn't seem like a stupid and pathetic question to me. I would observe this person's behavior toward you somewhat more closely than someone whose friendship you did not question, and try to engage in conversation or even activities (if the situation proceeds to that stage) that you consider to be proper for friendship, then note the response. For example, if the person seems reluctant to reveal personal information that friends would share, or wants to hang out only in limited circumstances (or never), that would justify suspicion. Of course, you must allow for the possibility that this person is genuine but only wants to be an acquaintance.

 

[Autism]

I don't know why but this makes me laugh. Partly because I know what most people want from me, and it is always what I can not provide.

There is a difference between curiosity and outright invasion of your life.
That being said the usual prospects when people offer their friendship are as follows: s.., money, or using my talents or capabilities to step up the ladder. Most of them want all of those things at once.

 

[Peace]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a lot of trouble discerning peoples motives. It sounds so stupid and pathetic, but how do you know if someone genuinely wants to be your friend? There's someone at school who is being really friendly, and I don't know why. (Wow that sounds stupid). Because of my possible aspergers I'm pretty sure I come across in public as being intellectually limited, and socially inept. So why would this person want to be friends? I'm wondering if it's because they're friends with my brother - maybe they feel obligated? I don't know.

Please help?

Hidden.

Breathe my friend,
If it is genuine, it will happen. Take the good, leave the bad, and go about your life as you would anyways.
"There Are Two Things You Cannot Hide For Long, The Sun And The Truth".

 

[Hidden]

Thanks guys.

BentHnau: how do you know if this person wants only to be an acquaintance? That's part of what I don't understand.

This person seems genuine. She talks to me when I run into her. I sit with her during classes. She invited me to join a club she's in, which I did and am enjoying. She gives me a lift when I miss the bus, or simply need one. A few days ago, I was in a class with her and I was really stressed. Just everything was getting to me, and the pressure just felt unbearable. Just as the bell went the teacher told me to stay behind, and I just burst into tears in front of everyone. I am a very unemotional person and I NEVER cry, especially not in public. She hugged me and just let me hide while I cried.

Does this sound like acquaintance or friend?

Oh, and Autism: I am not rich, nor talented, and with average intelligence. This is what I mean by asking why they'd want to be friends. What do they get out of it?

 

[Peace]

Thanks guys.

BentHnau: how do you know if this person wants only to be an acquaintance? That's part of what I don't understand.

This person seems genuine. She talks to me when I run into her. I sit with her during classes. She invited me to join a club she's in, which I did and am enjoying. She gives me a lift when I miss the bus, or simply need one. A few days ago, I was in a class with her and I was really stressed. Just everything was getting to me, and the pressure just felt unbearable. Just as the bell went the teacher told me to stay behind, and I just burst into tears in front of everyone. I am a very unemotional person and I NEVER cry, especially not in public. She hugged me and just let me hide while I cried.

Does this sound like acquaintance or friend?

Oh, and Autism: I am not rich, nor talented, and with average intelligence. This is what I mean by asking why they'd want to be friends. What do they get out of it?

This could easily be just friends, and I have seen many such relationships.

What do they get out of it? What do you get out of it? Someone you can rely on, that will be there for you like no one else can. One who will not judge. One who is "Safe", with your secrets and your feelings. And for many of us, It is a great feeling to be able to also give this gift to someone else.

 

[wyverary]

Thanks guys.

BentHnau: how do you know if this person wants only to be an acquaintance? That's part of what I don't understand.

This person seems genuine. She talks to me when I run into her. I sit with her during classes. She invited me to join a club she's in, which I did and am enjoying. She gives me a lift when I miss the bus, or simply need one. A few days ago, I was in a class with her and I was really stressed. Just everything was getting to me, and the pressure just felt unbearable. Just as the bell went the teacher told me to stay behind, and I just burst into tears in front of everyone. I am a very unemotional person and I NEVER cry, especially not in public. She hugged me and just let me hide while I cried.

Does this sound like acquaintance or friend?

Oh, and Autism: I am not rich, nor talented, and with average intelligence. This is what I mean by asking why they'd want to be friends. What do they get out of it?

After reading this, it seems like it would be unfair on your part to be questioning motives. Whatever led her to do so, she is reaching out to you in what seems to be a very positive, encouraging manner. We all need such people in our lives, and right now, whatever small risk there might be is worth it. And it's like what Peace said: some people out there are—SHOCKER!—truly kind and giving and empathetic, whatever social horror stories other members on this site might tell. It could be you've found such a person. She is giving; if you start giving back, then that is friendship.

wyv

 

[Hidden]

Late reply, sorry:

You're right, she could be. Very likely, actually. I'm just scared, I guess.

Peace: I never thought about it that way. I've always seen myself as unable to give anything of value back - it didn't occur to me that people don't see me as I see myself.

And I don't know how to give back. There are some people who turn me into a cripplingly shy, silent weirdo, and I can barely even communicate with them, let alone cultivate a friendship with them. Damn it, what's wrong with me?!

Anyway, I've started observing how other people converse and socialise, and I'm memorising how they react in certain situations. It helps in some things.

H.

 

[Cerulean]

Sometimes I have to admit that I'm just not sure what a "real" friend might actually be. I have lots of acquaintances in R/L but only one actual "friend", and he's hundreds of miles away with his own family now. My online prospects seem much better these days in comparison...

To me, "real friend" was qualified by who stuck with me through my ****** divorce. I would expect everybody's definition to vary.

 

[Berianireth]

I think a good rule of thumb is to just assume the best about people unless they sound like they are trying to endanger you. If the person turns out to be a parasite, then remove them from your life as politely as possible.
I'm always worried when I suddenly start getting attention from someone, even when it seems positive. I have a lot of trouble trying to articulate my boundaries to other people even to this day, so I understand why motives can be scary. I'd hate to be the only ASD person someone has experience with and be horrifically rude to them, even if their motive for getting involved in my life was bad. Things tend to have a ripple effect.
>.>

 

[lovesflowers]

One of the most important lessons I've learned in life about reading people is to pay close attention to how well what they say and what they do align. For example, if someone brags to you about how successful they are then even if they are very frugal they should have some of the securities of success. This means to wonder why someone so successful is constantly borrowing money, or asking for rides, reaching out to you for help, promising to pay you back (but never quite getting around to it), and so on. If someone tells you how beautiful/handsome/sexy they find you and they keep their eyes locked on you, that's a good thing. But what about if their eyes wander? Even the Buddha says it's good to trust but it's better to verify. So include validations in your assessments. Are they walking their talk? Because if they aren't then you should probably find someone else who does to talk to and walk with.

 

[Toponoetikos]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a lot of trouble discerning peoples motives. It sounds so stupid and pathetic, but how do you know if someone genuinely wants to be your friend? There's someone at school who is being really friendly, and I don't know why. (Wow that sounds stupid). Because of my possible aspergers I'm pretty sure I come across in public as being intellectually limited, and socially inept. So why would this person want to be friends? I'm wondering if it's because they're friends with my brother - maybe they feel obligated? I don't know.

Please help?

Hidden.

This is something I can really relate to. All of my life I have had problems understanding other people and their agendas. Because I studied this aspect of human behavior I now have a strong intellectual understanding of hidden agendas. But my natural tendency is to be open and honest. This is very dangerous in the corporate world and many times I have ended up cheated, betrayed and manipulated. So now I am more careful and try to get feedback from trusted NTs. I could give dozens or hundreds of examples but I was told to keep my emails short.