Personality Flaws

[LadyS]

I've started thinking a lot about this lately as I'm currently navigating and reassessing personal relationships with others around me. I think it's one of those things many aren't comfortable talking about especially about oneself, as it requires a certain level of self awareness to identify one's own flaws and how it might affect others.

I've had recent situations which I had to question on how to deal with others with regards to their own personality flaws.

For me, I'm of the mindset that if my own flaws are affecting others to the extent that it affects my relationships negatively then I would try my best to assess how I can change, with careful consideration that certain things that others might see as "flaws" is just something about my personality that isn't necessarily negative.

For instance, being introspective and more on the quiet side is what I don't consider a negative thing although many in my family do. Sure it might inhibit me from making more friends and getting people to like me straight away, but I don't think it has any sort of negative rippling effects on others. However there are certain flaws that one could argue that would such as arrogance, self-centeredness, short temper, stubbornness etc.

The recent situation involved a friend who I've known since I was a kid. In the past, certain character flaws were easily overlooked, although still recognized. I mean being naive, dumb, and polishing social skills all come in the territory of youth. However now approaching middle age, and having no prior history of trauma or problematic past (indeed this friend has admitted to having a pretty blessed life), some traits have started rubbing others the wrong way. Even as to pushing their own family away.

I've tried giving subtle hints about how the behavior might have this effect after the friend kept complaining about others' reactions, to which they replied, "Sorry I don't want to make anyone feel bad. Please let me know if it gets too much." (Uhhh I thought that WAS me telling you?) And then after it made relationships worse (more complaints from them) I was outright blunt and honest to which they were first in denial (who me?), then stated that it wasn't their intent, then got defensive and started blaming it on everyone else's own insecurities and why should they change?

Which got me thinking recently... I see similar situations in this forum. With many seeking advice on how to advance with relationships and a variety of advice ranging from, trying to improve/change one's character flaw to advice that suggests not forcing oneself to change but searching for a person or group that would be more accepting of that person.

However I've noticed some give conflicting advice, to one person they say to change and then to another they say don't worry it's not your fault, it's everyone else (insert some sort of NT reference here). In both scenarios, however, the advice-giver never has the full story really, only what was related through the seeker. We really don't have actual outsider perspectives to aid us. This is the main reason why I try not to post on these kinds of posts (so I apologize if it seems like I don't care or have nothing to contribute) as I'm always afraid to make situations worse.

So with that I do wonder..
Should someone, anyone, work on their personality flaws if it's negatively affecting what they desire in life? I would say yes. But others might say, you shouldn't change yourself for anyone. I've seen many references to fitting in to the NT world in that regard. That one shouldn't change to fit in, even if it would make their life easier or if it's what they truly desire.

With my friend I posed the same thought process, if what you want is to improve your relationships and you know what's causing the disruptions, you have to choose which is more important I suppose: continue employing the same character flaw (to be specific in this case it's humblebragging, tone deaf negative attention-seeking behavior) with the risk of relationship degradation or try to improve the flaw although difficult as it's now deeply ingrained, impulsive and hard to control. I also pose it logically: if multiple people individually came to this same conclusion about you, then it's not us, it really is you. Although I didn't say this exactly but it made sense to me. (And if wondering what the outcome was, they said they would try to be more cognizant and understanding but continued right on doing the same things after a brief hiatus.)

I did tell my friend that I wasn't trying to virtue signal. I have my own flaws that I am still trying to work on too. Such as passive-aggressiveness which is why I decided to directly confront, as I have been confronted by others for this too. Being naive, which I am trying to say less and listen and learn more. Trying to procrastinate less and be more proactive. Being more attentive to others. That has been most challenging of all and I just feel like a failure in that.

Ultimately I think no decision is right or wrong, but one should think about what their own priorities are and know how to weigh the risks and rewards of each decision. For some ensuring their individual integrity is not compromised is priority while others are willing to change certain things about themselves in order to attain something that's more satisfying or for a greater good. It takes all sorts to make the world go around, imo.

Thoughts? Where is the line between changing one's self or changing your environment? Should we be obligated to change certain traits for what we want if it's needed? Or maybe it's not needed at all? Change your priorities? Change your environment and social circle? Do you think changing those characteristics about yourself would change WHO you are at your core? And for the worse?

I really wish self-awareness was a universal trait or skill that most would seek to attain if not already. It really is the first step towards solving a conflict. Listing out our own personality flaws, especially in writing could be a useful exercise so feel free to share your own here. Are you aware of your flaws and do you actively or passively confront them?

Sorry lots of questions.. just my thoughts for the week.

Edit: oh boy can I add "not proofreading" to my flaw list? That was just a mess of errors.. hopefully fixed them all.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Good thoughts and questions.

Personally, I am of the mindset that, whenever possible,...make an effort to be a better person. Obviously, you've taken the first step,...self-assessment and recognition. The second step is learning,...how best to approach one's "flaws". For most people,...I suspect,...is behavior and verbalizing without taking pause to actually take in context and perspective,...otherwise known as "system 1" thinking. The types of responses full of cognitive thinking errors and implicit biases. System 2 thinking is what happens when you consciously, purposefully take a pause,...taking in all the information,...and then respond with a rather thoughtful, polite manner. That takes a lot of discipline to do,...because it sure is easy to let your quick-wit get the better of you,...and then the other person is put back on the defense,..."and that's how the fight started",...or at the very least,...you're going to come off as an inconsiderate jerk, full of exaggeration and BS.

You can do a Google search on System 1 vs System 2 thinking, implicit biases, cognitive thinking errors, etc. At least for me,...as an autistic,...knowing that I inherently have difficulties reading people and with cognitive empathy,...this is a great mental exercise and help. It takes some personal motivation and mental attention.

 

[Aspychata]

The worse person to me (mom), is the person that questions me and my choices when she has a closet of ever changing control behaviors. Like l can never point anything to her because she will never discuss anything. The door slams shut. I did point out her husband was abusive. That definitely didn't go far.

So l like to think about my basket of flaws and slowly work on them. I don't mind people giving their thoughts on situations at this forum because it feels like we are brainstorming however l understand not everybody functions in this manner.

But this post was difficult to answer. I truthfully like someone who is working on themselves just like me. Maybe that's my biggest flaw, not finding flawless people.

 

[Knower of nothing]

In general I don't believe in the person as a whole, having a core or anything concrete and solid like that. We're fluid from the get go and change will constantly happen regardless of our own conscious intervention. I think our responsibility comes with making the attempt to guide that flow of change towards something pleasant. Self and environment are utterly linked so picking which to make change in is only a question of ability. To reach the desired result both will always undergo change in the end.

Anyway here's some flaws of mine that popped up often enough that I think I know them rather well by now, may they have potential insight for others:

I get jealous and lonely easily in certain circumstances. The source is a simple abandonment fear. The expression is becoming a bit needlessly bitter and a compulsion to isolate to escape the source of the feeling. The current workaround has been simply asking for forgiveness when needed but also asking for the consideration to simply not talk about certain things around me. I don't have a right to control what anyone does obviously, I rely on kindness here. The 'out-of-sight, out-of-mind' approach buries the issue in this particular instance.

I can be very stubborn. This is a flaw primarily for everyone that wants to introduce me to new things. Source is a mix of past embarassments or bad times in general leading to an excessive reliance on the familiar to maintain a feeling of security. The expression is weaving elaborate justifications for why I already know I have no interest or need for said new thing. The workaround is a simple honesty, I'll just state I don't feel like it because I'm worried or not comfortable about doing something new right now. From there they can adjust their attempts to convince towards reassurance and I also attain a more reasonable method of refusal in case I'd rather have a peaceful familiar day. This has made my friends more aware of some of the more autism-specific needs I have, such as entire recharge days following a burnout, rather than having them think I have very picky and obtuse opinions on things I have no experience with.

The workarounds notably don't resolve the flaw. They are focused on smoothening over interactions the flaw can influence. This is because to combat the flaw itself, the source needs to be addressed. This is usually complex and dependent on gaining support in many other facets of life. Workarounds allow you to still have a functional social circle using trust and understanding while you are on the long road of improvement. All you need to make sure to do, in my opinion, is to turn this kindness towards others and their flaws too.

 

[LadyS]

System 2 thinking is what happens when you consciously, purposefully take a pause,...taking in all the information,...and then respond with a rather thoughtful, polite manner. That takes a lot of discipline to do,...because it sure is easy to let your quick-wit get the better of you,

Oh yes. This something I've had to actively work on. It's not easy. At all. We're all such impulsive creatures ready to share our 2 cents without taking the time to pause and actually think things through. Chalk part of it up to the pervasive instant gratification culture.

Several times with my friend I had to stop talking and admit that I didn't know how to solve their problems. Sometimes it's just best to say "I don't know but I'll think about it" and move on. Don't always have to have all the answers.

 

[LadyS]

The worse person to me (mom), is the person that questions me and my choices when she has a closet of ever changing control behaviors. Like l can never point anything to her because she will never discuss anything. The door slams shut. I did point out her husband was abusive. That definitely didn't go far.

So l like to think about my basket of flaws and slowly work on them. I don't mind people giving their thoughts on situations at this forum because it feels like we are brainstorming however l understand not everybody functions in this manner.

But this post was difficult to answer. I truthfully like someone who is working on themselves just like me. Maybe that's my biggest flaw, not finding flawless people.

Your mom sounds similar to my husband. Cannot handle anyone pointing out his flaws. At the moment I take it back to the fact that his parents were kind of helpless and heavily relied on him for full support which would leave very little room for error or lack of self confidence.

I don't mind giving advice but I've also seen quite a lot of push back from advice seekers when given advice that they don't like. The conflict-avoider in me stops me from engaging. Plus I feel like others are more eloquent and already say what I've been thinking. Lots of great people here.

 

[LadyS]

Self and environment are utterly linked so picking which to make change in is only a question of ability

Good point, that's something I didn't consider before. Workarounds seem to be something I've been subconsciously doing too. Social navigation is just tough when you're trying to be fair to everyone else but stay true to yourself.

 

[Tom]

Responding with suggestions/advice takes a lot of energy. I might try it once with people but won't continue if I get the feeling I'm off the mark or they aren't really listening/thinking about what people are taking time to write.