Physical Touching 101

[Kouzai]

For most of my life I was not fond of being touched. Not a hug or handsome was given of my choice. I pity the punks who petted my hair or patted my head. In my teens I starting hugging out of the blue and while I know enough social norms not to hug (only people I like or tolerate get my hugs and glomps) randomly, and when proper movements are best, it took years to get the pattern down.

When to look in someone's eyes, when Not to look in someone's eyes (considered very rude in many cultures or heritage's), how to acknowledge one's presence with a nodded head, how much casual touches are allowed, hug length, and handsakes..

Oh sweet baby jesus, the handsakes.

If I shook someone's hand too fast and let go, I was thought finicky and skittish
Too slow I was too cautious and unreliable
Too hard/rough and I was violent and unpredictable
Too soft and I was predictable and arrogant.

That's why I like to bow my head, wave or whatever else. Less stress. How about you guys? Any major difficulties learning these types of social cues?

 

[Warmheart]

Waving. It's my favorite.

 

[Kouzai]

Waving is a very good way, a very safe way to respond to people. I really do like that now.

 

[OkRad]

Fistbumps!
I also hate being touched. I had to have my Dr write a note in my chart. Do Not Touch Patient unless absolutely needed and then use gloves! I cannot stand skin to skin.

 

[Ronin82]

I'm actually working with my T on fear of touch and working out the patterns of when to use touch in real life. I just had a breakthrough today, hugged my crush even though he was just gonna give me a handshake (after 6 years of friendship, and a year of living with him, I think a friendly hug is warranted after a long absence!).

Yeah, the rules of touching in social situations still elude me, but I'm working on getting comfortable with basic and normal hugs and handshakes. I still miss the cue for a handshake sometimes though. I'll just stare at the proffered hand and think "what am I supposed to do with this?" before the light-bulb comes on just a second too slowly...I've left several people hanging before. We usually just laugh it off, since my friends know about my Aspieness. If I actually catch the cue to shake hands (the other person has to offer first) I have a really good handshake, firm and purposeful, with connection expressed in the strength, and I'm pretty good about timing too, although I can slip up occasionally. Funny, if I'm shaking hands I can look in the other person's eyes and smile with genuine-ness, but just for the duration of the handshake.

Head nods are my favorite, since I can use those without looking anyone in the eye. I nod my head to acknowledge their existence, and often use it to express interest in whatever they are saying, even if I'm not looking at them.

Waving scares me, since I've waved at people, only to find out they were waving at the person BEHIND me! That's embarrassing...

 

[Suzanne]

Not good with touching at all, but can sometimes like it. Get amused when someone wants to hug me, because it surprises me.

Iiving in France, I have got into the habit of the typical kissing cheeks, but because it has become that habit, I just do not think about it. But when I meet young british boys living in France, I offer my hand. Just feels not right to embrace a stranger in such a way.

I can do eye contact better now, but if the person is talking a lot, then I become too aware and have to divert my eyes.

My husband notices that when we talk many times, I have my hand to my mouth. I think it is a sign of shyness.

 

[xudo]

I'm not good with touching. I'm fine with my husband, but I would prefer not to hug anyone else. His family all hug so I usually just let that go so I don't look rude. His step sister is one of those people who will be chatting and like, touch your arm or whatever while shes talking. I jump pretty much every time, but she's never pointed it out thankfully. Eye contact is a big one for me. I'm better at it with people I know really well, but even then it's not "normal". With people I don't know well or strangers, it's next to nothing.

 

[Bolletje]

I usually flash a grin at acquaintances when that's socially acceptable. People I know better get a hug and three pecks on the cheek. My closest friends get hugs ranging anywhere from a tight hug to picking them up and running around with them
When I enter a room for work/internships and there are people I don't know I introduce myself with a firm handshake while maintaining eye contact. I used to be really bad at eye contact, feeling incredibly uncomfortable when someone kept looking me in the eye while I told a story, so I would look away.

Somewhere in my mid-twenties, possibly because I began having patient contact in the role of a doctor, I learned that looking away is perceived as shifty, while maintaining eye contact will make you appear more interested and trustworthy. I learned to make and maintain eye contact, the only times I visibly break this pattern is when I feel anxious and emotional in a conversation. What really helped me with my body language and eye contact is that in my medical training I had to do practice consults with a simulation patient while 14 of my pears watched me through a camera and gave me feedback on my body language. Scary, but ultimately very helpful. People don't notice I'm on the spectrum unless I tell them, and then they have trouble believing me.

 

[Kouzai]

Thanks for responding everyone. I'm glad I wasn't the only one with similar issues regarding physical intimacy in that way.

Half my family and most of my best friend/sister (knew her since I was sixteen) are constant huggers or display shows of affection so I became more used to being touched. Their house is basically a neighborhood house where friends, family and some neighbors go to relax and hang out.

Still for the first hugs/touches with someone new I stiffen and maybe pat their backs or head once or twice then call it good.

A neat little trick I learned about eye contact is that if you look at someone's nose (or other upper face part) than it often seems like you are maintaining eye contact. Only once was I caught on doing that but it was my best friend who rolled her eyes and dropped the subject.

 

[Gary DuBois]

For most of my life I was not fond of being touched. Not a hug or handsome was given of my choice. I pity the punks who petted my hair or patted my head. In my teens I starting hugging out of the blue and while I know enough social norms not to hug (only people I like or tolerate get my hugs and glomps) randomly, and when proper movements are best, it took years to get the pattern down.

When to look in someone's eyes, when Not to look in someone's eyes (considered very rude in many cultures or heritage's), how to acknowledge one's presence with a nodded head, how much casual touches are allowed, hug length, and handsakes..

Oh sweet baby jesus, the handsakes.

If I shook someone's hand too fast and let go, I was thought finicky and skittish
Too slow I was too cautious and unreliable
Too hard/rough and I was violent and unpredictable
Too soft and I was predictable and arrogant.

That's why I like to bow my head, wave or whatever else. Less stress. How about you guys? Any major difficulties learning these types of social cues?

i don,t dislike hugs or hand shakes but sometimes it feels kinda akward and even waving sometimes is kinda akward but not uncomfortable its just more akward.

 

[toothless]

i love hard bear hugs and hard-fast hand shakes which takes a lot of people by surprise but other than that ill attack you if you come at me from behind,if you force a hug or touch,or if you attempt light touch,it causes massive pain and shock in me.
i only began hugging as an adult as i never knew there was such thing as bear hugs nor did i ever know i liked them till my teacher at my special needs college gave me a huge bear hug at the graduation ceremony.

 

[OkRad]

I would also say I like hugs from people that I know and trust but can only do it at certain times. Like if I am already out in the community, but then only a few people. If I have taken my shower already? No go.

AND........If I am eating, no one can come near me or even talk to me. If someone were to touch me while I ate, I would become distraught and ask them to please stop.

If they kept going or tried to take some of my food (which has happened) I would have to throw it away and start over because I cannot concetrate on eating unless there is no distractions at all.

If some one were to sneak up and hug me while I ate???? I would either burst into tears and try to explain I cannot do it and I am sorry or wold start swearing and throw it into the trash. If it has been several bad meals in a row it would be the last. They build.

I sound like a terrible person.

 

[Bolletje]

I would also say I like hugs from people that I know and trust but can only do it at certain times. Like if I am already out in the community, but then only a few people. If I have taken my shower already? No go.

AND........If I am eating, no one can come near me or even talk to me. If someone were to touch me while I ate, I would become distraught and ask them to please stop.

If they kept going or tried to take some of my food (which has happened) I would have to throw it away and start over because I cannot concetrate on eating unless there is no distractions at all.

If some one were to sneak up and hug me while I ate???? I would either burst into tears and try to explain I cannot do it and I am sorry or wold start swearing and throw it into the trash. If it has been several bad meals in a row it would be the last. They build.

I sound like a terrible person.

You don't sound like a terrible person at all, just a troubled person.