Please can you help me with this as its really affecting me

[sylvia1111]

I have a friend who has aspergers and he is helpful at times

but he shouts, or talks really loud in my ear and gives me headaches no matter how much i tell him to talk softer

he shouts pressurises non stop like a machine gun firing bullets non stop, he comes in like a hurrican and wont shut up, i cant think i cant do what i need to do he just bombards like a crazy person and wont shut up

he pressurises cruely , like tries to get me to do things faster and faster than a human can do it, and it really is very abusive

no matter how much i try to tell him to stop these he doesnt

he once even shouted at me in my face non stop afte ri had a serious car crash. i couldnt get him out of my face

i will be left shaking FROM HIM, not from the actual crisis,

he will smile and chat nicely to others but be such a cruel nasty obnoxious bombarding abusive pressurising crazy person to me, who wont shut up.

any advice would be very much appreciated.

i've tried to set boundaries, nothing works not verbally, not in writing.

any suggestions please.

thank you.

 

[Peeta]

I'd almost say he might have no clue that he talks so loud. However you say he can talk normal to other people. I'm not sure if that means it is still Aspie behavior at that point... Especially if you tried to establish boundaries and asked multiple times to quit it. You might have to set the fianl boundary: either he stops being in your face all the time, or you break contact.

Of course this is based on your post, I know nothing about the guy or his reasons why he does this. Have you asked him directly why he does this to you?

 

[ancusmitis]

If it really is that unpleasant then it's okay for you to leave. It sounds like you are being singled out for this treatment, and there is no reason for that.

 

[Suzanne]

Personally I would ask him to never darken your door again!

When I am excited or angry, I too shout and the times my husband has told me to please, please hush a bit, is unbelievable and also I cannot modulate my voice. So what he does is he steps away when I am angry and that buffers the sound and then, uses a hand in a downward motion, when I am excited and they do work. To be honest, I am completely unaware that I am shouting and his action sort of brings me to my senses.

But your "friend" is doing this deliberately and thus is not a true friend. To shout in someone face is the height of rudeness.

 

[ancusmitis]

Personally I would ask him to never darken your door again!

When I am excited or angry, I too shout and the times my husband has told me to please, please hush a bit, is unbelievable and also I cannot modulate my voice. So what he does is he steps away when I am angry and that buffers the sound and then, uses a hand in a downward motion, when I am excited and they do work. To be honest, I am completely unaware that I am shouting and his action sort of brings me to my senses.

But your "friend" is doing this deliberately and thus is not a true friend. To shout in someone face is the height of rudeness.

Yes yes yes. Aspie behavior is to make a mistake and try to correct it. Asshole behavior is to say "Screw you" and double down on the behavior that is hurting someone else. I wouldn't even waste my emotional energy on an ultimatum at this point. I say get out while you're still sane.

 

[Mia]

People don't shout when there is no one to shout at, turn and leave.

 

[Tom]

I am with the majority so far. You mean the shouting, abnoxious, abusive friend you used to have?

More specifically he's bullying you, and you have tried to make sure it is not just misunderstanding. The only message he will understand now is leaving. He doesn't believe there will be a negative consequence, doesn't want to stop. Once you break the friendship up, he may to to hold onto it by finally agreeing to change. That's your call whether to give it a chance or not and depends on whether you believe he is sincere and even capable of changing.

 

[nowwhat]

Ditch that bozo. Friendship is 2 way. A friend wouldn't treat you that way.

 

[SignOfLazarus]

I have this concept of "a-hole bucks". It's like sometimes people will be helpful or nice or friendly or kind, and then later on feel like that earned them A-hole Bucks, that they can just spend any time at all, like when they simply don't feel like being a reasonable human being.

But that's no how it works- you don't earn a-hole bucks just because you were nice or helpful at one point. You don't save up credit to be a jerk.

However, it really sounds like that is precisely how this person is attempting to operate- with you specifically, sylvia1111.

This isn't a friend, no matter how helpful they are at any other time.
Please take care of you and attempt to distance yourself.

he will smile and chat nicely to others but be such a cruel nasty obnoxious bombarding abusive pressurising crazy person to me, who wont shut up.

Based on what you have shared? This is abusive- and it doesn't matter if that is his intent or not. The continued problems despite repeated pleas for the behavior to stop coupled with the fact that he is able to be more reasonable and humane with other people indicate that it is abusive regardless.

Abuse is not just about hitting and being in a romantic relationship. Bullying is absolutely abuse.
Please step back from this, you can be much kinder to yourself.
<3

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

I thought about this situation quite a bit. I do not think any of the above posts are wrong, no one is giving you bad advice, except perhaps me. You must do what is best for your own well being. For your own good. Keep all these posts in mind and hold on and simmer for a moment.
I am as old as dirt. I have lived a wild and crazy life. My eyes have met extraordinary people on both ends of the extremes. I recently crawled out of a bunker of my own making. My friends, associates and wife buffered me from society for let's say 35 years. I may have an angle on this. Enough of this set up.

Some of us are wound up so tightly that we live on an emotional hair trigger. Little issues like a word or a phrase that is not clearly expressed by one, or not precisely understood by another pulls the trigger, and an emotional volcano erupts. It blows smoke, noxious gas, flame, fireballs and pyroclastic flow with glowing lava, like a chaotic hell storm.

Before you throw in the towel on this individual, try to get him to vent here, on this forum. Let this person vent here over and over and over again. I am sure we can take it, and I think this controlled release of years of stress and pressure may simmer the situation down a notch. Perhaps just enough to save your friendship.
I think that before you make any move read several people on various threads here at AC and determine if you think any of us can serve or interest your friends needs.
I am probably the very worst person here to make this offer, but please consider it as genuine.
I will read and write your friend and regale with anecdotes and experiences that are a bit out of the norm. I never lie and am emotionally indestructible.
Let him rant with me, the way I was allowed to rant to my friends here. I crawled out of the tomb and a short time later I had a loud and proud voice.
I swear if this friend reaches out to me I will spare no effort to catch him.
If your friend cannot do this little thing, then you must not enable his personal attacks.
You could be the last lifeline but we are a very powerful rescue ship. I await a post from you, or better yet, your friend. I can offer nothing more. I will give my all, in this matter.
I know your friend , he may be kin!
I am an ,Epicurean Pariah

 

[Elemental]

I thought about this situation quite a bit. I do not think any of the above posts are wrong, no one is giving you bad advice, except perhaps me. You must do what is best for your own well being. For your own good. Keep all these posts in mind and hold on and simmer for a moment.
I am as old as dirt. I have lived a wild and crazy life. My eyes have met extraordinary people on both ends of the extremes. I recently crawled out of a bunker of my own making. My friends, associates and wife buffered me from society for let's say 35 years. I may have an angle on this. Enough of this set up.

Some of us are wound up so tightly that we live on an emotional hair trigger. Little issues like a word or a phrase that is not clearly expressed by one, or not precisely understood by another pulls the trigger, and an emotional volcano erupts. It blows smoke, noxious gas, flame, fireballs and pyroclastic flow with glowing lava, like a chaotic hell storm.

Before you throw in the towel on this individual, try to get him to vent here, on this forum. Let this person vent here over and over and over again. I am sure we can take it, and I think this controlled release of years of stress and pressure may simmer the situation down a notch. Perhaps just enough to save your friendship.
I think that before you make any move read several people on various threads here at AC and determine if you think any of us can serve or interest your friends needs.
I am probably the very worst person here to make this offer, but please consider it as genuine.
I will read and write your friend and regale with anecdotes and experiences that are a bit out of the norm. I never lie and am emotionally indestructible.
Let him rant with me, the way I was allowed to rant to my friends here. I crawled out of the tomb and a short time later I had a loud and proud voice.
I swear if this friend reaches out to me I will spare no effort to catch him.
If your friend cannot do this little thing, then you must not enable his personal attacks.
You could be the last lifeline but we are a very powerful rescue ship. I await a post from you, or better yet, your friend. I can offer nothing more. I will give my all, in this matter.
I know your friend , he may be kin!
I am an ,Epicurean Pariah

Wow! That's some offer & opportunity given above & if EP genuinely has the time, energy & impetus here, then perhaps this might signify a true turning point for this AS person & who knows what good stuff may come out of that, so I hope he takes this opportunity to vent, perhaps constructively. You however, do not sound equipped to deal with this & if you have clearly told him this upsets you & the behavior is still continuing then get yourself out & away from them. There are enough stressful situations in life that we can't have any control over, so I think we owe it to ourselves to minimize the ones that we can

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

Wow! That's some offer & opportunity given above & if EP genuinely has the time, energy & impetus here, then perhaps this might signify a true turning point for this AS person & who knows what good stuff may come out of that, so I hope he takes this opportunity to vent, perhaps constructively. You however, do not sound equipped to deal with this & if you have clearly told him this upsets you & the behavior is still continuing then get yourself out & away from them. There are enough stressful situations in life that we can't have any control over, so I think we owe it to ourselves to minimize the ones that we can

Elemental, the picture in your avatar, what is that,it reminds me of a tower at Arecibo.
I am retired, and in need of little. I am Asper and do not equivocate. I will make time, on my schedule to help. I think most will say that I try to say what I mean, mean what I say, consistently over a long period of time.
In regards to what others will do; the secret is, time will tell.
No worries.

 

[Ylva]

Maybe his dad was an army ranger and he thinks this is how one actually talks to people one is close with.

At any rate, if you have tried putting it in straight words and he still won't back off, there is nothing to it but cut him out of your life. Keep in mind that he will probably take what you say completely literally, so don't dance around it when you tell him to **** the hell off. Nor when you tell him it's rude to shout in people's faces. Just assume he'll take it literally.

 

[Nisk]

Having aspergers doesn't mean that your an a**hole but being an a**hole doesn't mean you don't have aspergers.

He could just be an a**hole with aspergers.

 

[ancusmitis]

Having aspergers doesn't mean that your an a**hole but being an a**hole doesn't mean you don't have aspergers.

He could just be an a**hole with aspergers.

I find this statement to be accurate.

 

[Maelstrom]

I have a friend who has aspergers and he is helpful at times

but he shouts, or talks really loud in my ear and gives me headaches no matter how much i tell him to talk softer

he shouts pressurises non stop like a machine gun firing bullets non stop, he comes in like a hurrican and wont shut up, i cant think i cant do what i need to do he just bombards like a crazy person and wont shut up

he pressurises cruely , like tries to get me to do things faster and faster than a human can do it, and it really is very abusive

no matter how much i try to tell him to stop these he doesnt

he once even shouted at me in my face non stop afte ri had a serious car crash. i couldnt get him out of my face

i will be left shaking FROM HIM, not from the actual crisis,

he will smile and chat nicely to others but be such a cruel nasty obnoxious bombarding abusive pressurising crazy person to me, who wont shut up.

any advice would be very much appreciated.

i've tried to set boundaries, nothing works not verbally, not in writing.

any suggestions please.

thank you.

I agree unfortunately with SignOfLazarus , I have a lady stalker here that is similar to your friend. I tried to be kind to her and not push her away like everyone else, because it was clear she had some sort of bad brain autistic thing and I felt sorry for her. She talks obsessively non stop about certain subjects, over and over, which I tried to put up with. But after a while she started taking advantage of my friendship, trying to hit on me romanticaly even tho I had warned her not to. When she didn't get what she wanted she started to escalate things going into angry rants and shouting fits. When that didn't get what she wanted she started trying to provoke me mocking my manhood, (which I endured with a smile), she seemed to be both trying to dare me to have physical relations with her, and trying to get me to hit her at the same time. I decided it was impossible to be friends with her and tried to push her away gently, it didn't work. She started coming to my house uninvited and shouting at me and threatening suicide, (fake), and making veiled threats against my family claiming they were blocking our relations, (not true). It finally ended when I had to lock the door in her face because she was shouting at me and advancing with a fist raised to punch me with one knuckle out to make it hurt extra bad. She was sent a message the next visit would end with a free ride to the police station.

sylvia1111 , Your situation sounds similar to mine it looks like you may have been selected for a love-abuse relations thing. I don't know why but some people get to the point where love and abuse are so intertwined they can't separate the two, which is sad because they end up very lonely. You will likely just have to find a way to remove this person from your social life. I understand your wish to be kind, you can still say a prayer for him, but sometimes nothing can be done. You should maybe also have another friend around when needed to keep this person in line at times when you can't keep him away completely, like at church. Best wishes and good luck. Mael

 

[Tom]

I have this concept of "a-hole bucks". It's like sometimes people will be helpful or nice or friendly or kind, and then later on feel like that earned them A-hole Bucks, that they can just spend any time at all, like when they simply don't feel like being a reasonable human being...

That's quite good!

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

I just can't stand to leave the mortally wounded behind.
I do have a clear understanding of triage.
We all do what we can. We all do what we must.