Abrightfutureahead
New Member
As my title says, I'm at an wits end and need some advice from someone who understands.
I knew my ex around 5 years. We dated before but he was standoffish and cold so as much as I fancied him years ago I didn't let it go further, he has always kept in touch with me and emailed me over the years.
Randomly I decided to meet him after all these years and we got into a romantic relationship. He said to me one day a few months in we should try for a baby. I had a few losses with my ex fiancé which he was aware of and was almost 30. It was strange of him to say, because we hadn't been dating long and he wasn't exactly "emotionally invested" in me...
But I thought, I may never have a baby, and at least if I do end up with a baby and things don't work out, she was wanted on both our parts..
So, 2 weeks after the initial baby convo, I was pregnant!
It was a shock to both of us, but let's just say, it became
Apparent things wer not right with him. He told me a few times when I was pregnant he wasn't sure he loved me yet, I was quite offended seeing as He wanted a baby with me. There's lots of things I can mention about his lack of empathy. Etc. How when I was heavily pregnant I had to go food shopping on my own, he never would come with me or help me.
His idea of helping me was rearranging my house and putting all my belongings into piles. He gets so much enjoyment out of it.
It was NOT cleaning though, he would move my furniture around daily, I would find items piles to the ceiling and it was dangerous while I was pregnant. It became so stressful I would get so angry with him and I had to push the sofa back and the dining table back from the middle of the living room... I didn't understand why he kept doing it. He also dug up all my grass and made two piles where the lawn used to be, then started chucked old food out onto it.
I would get so upset and beg him to stop, the dog was eating it and getting sick and I explain we would have rats etc. He stood by what he was doing as "feeding the earth" it drove me mad.! He is also an alcoholic and smokes cannabis daily, which I would explain I wouldn't put up with when the baby came so he promised to stop or I wouldn't kick him out.
One day his mum came round and I was crying and explaining he has broken alot of my furniture because he kept moving it, the food, the not understanding I need help going shopping etc.
She told me that he is on the spectrum, along with her two other sons.
I didn't really take it in what she said but then it made sense. He had a funny habit when he came home that he wouldn't sit down, and he would send me upstairs so he could "get settled".
It would take so much pursauding to get him to take off his jacket and 5 layers of clothing he wore all year round.
He wouldn't eat with me usually, even if I had cooked it for him. He say I'll have it later. Then at night he would eat so much all at once after not eating all day he would be sick. Alllll the time! I'd say stop drinking but he would say he has always been sick since a child... he would never come up to bed with me when I went up, I'd have to wait, and if everything was sorted into his routine the way he liked it he would cuddle or make love. Not if he was still stressed...
I had my daughter by c-section and I couldn't even walk, so was solely reliant on him to help me and the baby, but after 2 days at home he had been drinking in the daytime again. I was so vulnerable and he had let me down with his promises. So I kicked him out and he hasn't lived with me since.
That was when my baby was 4 days old. She's 3 months old now, and he doesn't come to visit me hardly ever. I have to go to him, which is an hour away. But it feels like when I'm there he isn't even there with us, it's like I'm only there for his parents to see the Baby.
He's very close with his parents, and when I say he hasn't seen the baby in over a week, why hasn't he visited, he says things like "you know where WE are". He completely expects his parents to be responsible for his child and not himself.
Once the baby was sick and I got really scared. I live alone and so I called him to see if he would come and take us to the hospital. He called his mum.
He acts as if he's a young young teenager. He takes no responsibility for us, and he is in complete denial that we are not still together..
He says he loves me via txt, but I never see him, he has not helped me with the baby at all, and doesn't help me financially.
He says things like "there's food at my parents house".
I'm at a wits end... I know deep down in my heart, it's not his fault. He can't help that he has some form of autism. I know this. And it is obvious that his brothers both have it. So I know I can't hold it against him. But how can I explain to my daughter why her dad never comes to visit?
I've tried to be a good mum and drive to stay at his parents every weekend so that he has a relationship with his daughter, but when I go there he isn't interested in spending time with us. Although his mum says he's been so excited for us to come up, he just isn't in the room.
I explain to the parents it upsets me and the mum excuses him and says he doesn't like being around too many people. they say things like he's been locked in his room for days, this really upsets me !!!
He was more supportive before she was born. His parents have made more of an effort and spent more time with the baby than he has.
I want to be the bigger person and go there at weekends so my daughter knows her dad. But he's always drinking and shows no love it's so hard for me to except that is the way he is....
In my heart I know he does love us. But doesn't know how to behave or take responsibility for us. He thinks it's totally acceptable for his parents to buy me a packet of nappies every week and he doesn't have to do anything.
He always says quotes instead of showing emotion like "as they say" at the end of something or says "we" all the time instead of "I".
"We were looking for something" "we all miss you"..
Often a week goes by where we don't speak. Then he ALWAYS texts me the same thing "you Ok?"
Never anything else? He won't speak to me on the phone, ever. Maybe i hear his voice once a month and he sounds angry and says he's busy he's got to go and hangs up on me..
I've been through so much and been more patient than I would have been with anyone else, because I know he can't help the way he is.
How do I move forward and do the best thing for my baby? And for him x
I knew my ex around 5 years. We dated before but he was standoffish and cold so as much as I fancied him years ago I didn't let it go further, he has always kept in touch with me and emailed me over the years.
Randomly I decided to meet him after all these years and we got into a romantic relationship. He said to me one day a few months in we should try for a baby. I had a few losses with my ex fiancé which he was aware of and was almost 30. It was strange of him to say, because we hadn't been dating long and he wasn't exactly "emotionally invested" in me...
But I thought, I may never have a baby, and at least if I do end up with a baby and things don't work out, she was wanted on both our parts..
So, 2 weeks after the initial baby convo, I was pregnant!
It was a shock to both of us, but let's just say, it became
Apparent things wer not right with him. He told me a few times when I was pregnant he wasn't sure he loved me yet, I was quite offended seeing as He wanted a baby with me. There's lots of things I can mention about his lack of empathy. Etc. How when I was heavily pregnant I had to go food shopping on my own, he never would come with me or help me.
His idea of helping me was rearranging my house and putting all my belongings into piles. He gets so much enjoyment out of it.
It was NOT cleaning though, he would move my furniture around daily, I would find items piles to the ceiling and it was dangerous while I was pregnant. It became so stressful I would get so angry with him and I had to push the sofa back and the dining table back from the middle of the living room... I didn't understand why he kept doing it. He also dug up all my grass and made two piles where the lawn used to be, then started chucked old food out onto it.
I would get so upset and beg him to stop, the dog was eating it and getting sick and I explain we would have rats etc. He stood by what he was doing as "feeding the earth" it drove me mad.! He is also an alcoholic and smokes cannabis daily, which I would explain I wouldn't put up with when the baby came so he promised to stop or I wouldn't kick him out.
One day his mum came round and I was crying and explaining he has broken alot of my furniture because he kept moving it, the food, the not understanding I need help going shopping etc.
She told me that he is on the spectrum, along with her two other sons.
I didn't really take it in what she said but then it made sense. He had a funny habit when he came home that he wouldn't sit down, and he would send me upstairs so he could "get settled".
It would take so much pursauding to get him to take off his jacket and 5 layers of clothing he wore all year round.
He wouldn't eat with me usually, even if I had cooked it for him. He say I'll have it later. Then at night he would eat so much all at once after not eating all day he would be sick. Alllll the time! I'd say stop drinking but he would say he has always been sick since a child... he would never come up to bed with me when I went up, I'd have to wait, and if everything was sorted into his routine the way he liked it he would cuddle or make love. Not if he was still stressed...
I had my daughter by c-section and I couldn't even walk, so was solely reliant on him to help me and the baby, but after 2 days at home he had been drinking in the daytime again. I was so vulnerable and he had let me down with his promises. So I kicked him out and he hasn't lived with me since.
That was when my baby was 4 days old. She's 3 months old now, and he doesn't come to visit me hardly ever. I have to go to him, which is an hour away. But it feels like when I'm there he isn't even there with us, it's like I'm only there for his parents to see the Baby.
He's very close with his parents, and when I say he hasn't seen the baby in over a week, why hasn't he visited, he says things like "you know where WE are". He completely expects his parents to be responsible for his child and not himself.
Once the baby was sick and I got really scared. I live alone and so I called him to see if he would come and take us to the hospital. He called his mum.
He acts as if he's a young young teenager. He takes no responsibility for us, and he is in complete denial that we are not still together..
He says he loves me via txt, but I never see him, he has not helped me with the baby at all, and doesn't help me financially.
He says things like "there's food at my parents house".
I'm at a wits end... I know deep down in my heart, it's not his fault. He can't help that he has some form of autism. I know this. And it is obvious that his brothers both have it. So I know I can't hold it against him. But how can I explain to my daughter why her dad never comes to visit?
I've tried to be a good mum and drive to stay at his parents every weekend so that he has a relationship with his daughter, but when I go there he isn't interested in spending time with us. Although his mum says he's been so excited for us to come up, he just isn't in the room.
I explain to the parents it upsets me and the mum excuses him and says he doesn't like being around too many people. they say things like he's been locked in his room for days, this really upsets me !!!
He was more supportive before she was born. His parents have made more of an effort and spent more time with the baby than he has.
I want to be the bigger person and go there at weekends so my daughter knows her dad. But he's always drinking and shows no love it's so hard for me to except that is the way he is....
In my heart I know he does love us. But doesn't know how to behave or take responsibility for us. He thinks it's totally acceptable for his parents to buy me a packet of nappies every week and he doesn't have to do anything.
He always says quotes instead of showing emotion like "as they say" at the end of something or says "we" all the time instead of "I".
"We were looking for something" "we all miss you"..
Often a week goes by where we don't speak. Then he ALWAYS texts me the same thing "you Ok?"
Never anything else? He won't speak to me on the phone, ever. Maybe i hear his voice once a month and he sounds angry and says he's busy he's got to go and hangs up on me..
I've been through so much and been more patient than I would have been with anyone else, because I know he can't help the way he is.
How do I move forward and do the best thing for my baby? And for him x
