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PLEASE HELP! My boyfriend doesn't like to talk!

C

Chloe765

New Member
Hi, I've been reading on this website for a while now, but I only just made an account today because I desperately need some help.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half now, I love him dearly and I know he loves me too. We have plans for a great future together. Although he is not officially diagnosed, he has Aspergers, and me, him and a lot of his family and friends agree. He is so kind and gentle and I love being around him. One of my major issues with him is that he doesn't like to talk, he says its because he hasn't got anything to say to me, but if I call him as i do most evenings we talk for an hour or so. I'm always the one who has to do the calling, sometimes when i message him during the day he would just ignore it, and then act like nothing happened when we talk on the phone and it's really frustrating. Last week, i decided not to message or call him and see how long it would take for him to call me... he didn't call or message me for nearly 5 days. He just doesn't see communication as a necessity. I trust him, we have a great sex life, when we do talk, its perfect, there's no awkward silences or anything. It just really bothers me that he is totally content with not speaking to me, am I being unreasonable??

Thanks
 
Chloe765 said:
I trust him, we have a great sex life, when we do talk, its perfect, there's no awkward silences or anything. It just really bothers me that he is totally content with not speaking to me, am I being unreasonable??

Thanks
Click to expand...


Unreasonable? Not necessarily. You're Neurotypical and have Neurotypical expectations. To a degree I understand it. Yet is what you are asking impractical under the circumstances? Perhaps.

First and foremost understand that this is neurological state and not a psychological one. That there are traits and behaviors that we may or may not be able to change or even control. We're all different in this regard. It's not a choice or a lifestyle. There are simply some things we are hard-wired for and may or may not be negotiable relative to any relationship.

In my own case, I'm quite selective in what I say. I don't care for small talk and quite honestly have difficulty maintaining that sort of conversation- even if it involves someone I'm intimate with. I can force myself to emulate NT behavior and more or less "fake it", however it is mentally and emotionally draining for me. Something I can do for only so long. After that, I MUST seek "recovery time" isolating myself as a consequence. It's simply who and what I am. And in hindsight it was problematic with my relationships with NY women, although at a time when neither of us ever gave any thought to my being on the spectrum of autism. Without that recovery time, eventually with unending exposure and communication I'd shutdown and the relationship would subsequently end. GONE.

I can't speak for your boyfriend. I can only point out that what you are asking would be stressful to me. Even if I were to go along with it out of concern for the relationship. For me it's a dynamic that reflects incompatibility. Pushed too far and there will be consequences.

All this aside, the most critical thing I've posted before is that NTs must work on not taking this personally. It's not a trait we manifest as a way of lashing out at anyone. It's just who and what we are.

Sound complicated? It is. And we are.
 
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I totally agree with judge. That's exactly how it is for me too. Socialising and conversing with people wears me out, no matter how much I love the person I'm spending time with.
 
I agree with what the others have said. You are not at all unreasonable for feeling the way you do, but I'm afraid that this might just have to be something to accept, and keep in mind that it is not personal.

I'm not interested in romantic relationships, but I have the same problem with communicating with my friends and family. It simply doesn't occur to me to contact them, ask how they are or tell them what I have been doing if they don't contact me and ask me questions first. This isn't because I don't love them or care about their lives, it just doesn't occur to me, it isn't important to me to be in regular contact with the people I care for. My dad is the same, the only time we talk is when he happens to be around when my mum calls me and she passes the phone to him. I've never doubted that he loves me and he does take a very active interest in my life, it's just that as aspies our minds work differently, our needs are different, and to be honest talking can be exhausting.

So, yeah, sorry but I have no advise except to remember it's not because he doesn't care!
 
Welcome to the restaurant at the end of the internet.

I've had this issue with nonautistics before, they expect a lot of calling, but I don't really like the phone and I also tend to prefer solitary occupations even though I get lonely sometimes. I just can't always be talking to people, which oftne means they aren't available when I need them :<
 
Maybe he has antisocial personality disorder or some sort of intelectual disability or trauma. I mean assuming this is why you think he has autism.
I hate to say it but he could just not like you.
 
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