Please help, relationship advice

[Sammw]

Hi guys I'm new here but I've been lurking in the background for a little while.

Unfortunately what I'm about to say is going to be very long winded, please bear with me

So I was diagnosed with Aspergers/ADHD as a child, and have never since had an adult diagnosis. I'm now 30 years old.

I feel like I've managed to deal with and overcome a lot of the issues I struggled with as a child/teenager and until recently I genuinely believed I had really learnt to manage myself better..until the breakdown of my recent relationship.

Before meeting this girl I was single for almost 2 years, recently (6 months ago) I met a truly amazing woman through work, and we've had a very rocky relationship. I've questioned everything, struggled to trust her, emotionally abused her and I didn't realise these behaviours were rearing their ugly head again until it was too late.

Well hopefully not too late? She's quite an impulsive person and she pressed to move in after only being together for about 6 weeks (I obliged as I'm a people pleaser) and this definitely wasn't good for us. Lockdown hasn't helped either.

At the start of our relationship when we were "seeing each other - technically not together" she slept with someone else from work... However, she didn't tell me about this until a month later when we went for a weekend away in Edinburgh to get together officially. - she said she wanted to tell me about it because she regretted it, and that as we were entering a relationship she wanted to be honest going forward. I wish that at the time I was able to accept this and move in, but I just wasn't.. I tortured her about it the whole relationship

Aside from that we did have a very genuine connection and I really do love her, and I know she loves me too.

So we split up once about 6 weeks ago, she went to her mums, said it was done for good then 3 days later moved back in with me (her impulsive side) - we split up for good about 2 weeks ago, but have since been sleeping together, I can't handle this and neither can she as each time we spend some time together and get intimate I get really upset afterwards and ask for her back, even though I've already asked the day before.. Her answer is always that she wants time to process what's happened between us, she can't be with me now, and that she'd like to think we can be back together but she really isn't sure.... I just don't understand how we can meet, go for dog walks, sleep together, tell each other that we love each other but she doesn't want to be with me????? Anyway, about 3 days ago she really blew up at me, told me that she never wants to get back together with me and not to contact her again. I just don't know how to deal with this?? I mean I'm finding it really hard to believe because I know she can be impulsive but this time it feels like it carries some real weight and I think she means it.

I know for a fact that she loves me, and we spoke several times during our relationship about me getting some professional help (which I am now getting) and I know that more recently she's tried to support the fact that I do want to learn to manage my emotional side better. I just think I may have pushed her way to far?

Shes asked me not to contact her at all, it's something I can't do, I'm awful at giving people space! But I know that if me and her ever do stand the chance I need to back right off.. I'm just so so afraid of losing her, it really scares me!

I'm so frustrated because I really did think that I'd learnt to process this behaviour in a better was quite a few years ago, and recently I've realised that if I don't address this issue that I won't really ever be able to have a long and mea ingful relationship.

I know this is a very aspergic statement to make, but I really do feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. I'm very sure of it. I've messed up big time and I really want to repent. I know she loves me but I think I may have pushed her to the end of her tether.

Thanks for listening

 

[Magna]

If I may ask you a few questions:

When you say you "emotionally abused her", what exactly do you mean by that?
What do you and/or she feel you need professional help for? Not leaving her alone?
Do you have anger issues?

Now on to her:

Did she grow up in a chaotic household?
Were her previous relationships stable or were they tumultuous like it has been with you?
You mention her "impulsive side"; do her impulsive actions tend to be things that result in creating or leading to dramatic events, situations or overall drama in her life and those around her?

 

[Thinx]

Given the history, your hopes to spend your life with the person seem unfounded unless you were to change significantly. For example, you currently behave as if she should want a relationship with you without you demonstrating significant and lasting change in any way. That wouldn't be appropriate or right for either of you.

Find help and work on yourself, that's the only way forward, and even if this is the end of your relationship, you will then be better equipped for a new relationship. You shouldn't want her to take you back if you don't behave well towards her, which you say you haven't more or less throughout. It's tough, but it's a wake up call.

 

[Sammw]

If I may ask you a few questions:

When you say you "emotionally abused her", what exactly do you mean by that?
What do you and/or she feel you need professional help for? Not leaving her alone?
Do you have anger issues?

Now on to her:

Did she grow up in a chaotic household?
Were her previous relationships stable or were they tumultuous like it has been with you?
You mention her "impulsive side"; do her impulsive actions tend to be things that result in creating or leading to dramatic events, situations or overall drama in her life and those around her?

Okay so emotional abuse, one example off the top of my head we'll argue about something Petty, and because I couldn't handle her mood (acting like she doesn't care - usually by ignoring me) it really frustrated me, once I threatened to pour water over her because she wouldn't get out of bed and leave the house I was so frustrated.... I didnt actually do it,and I'm not at all proud

Her parents seperatedd when she was about 14 and her last relationship lasted for 5 years. Her impulsive side example: leaving me, saying how much she hates me and never wanting to speak to me again... 3 days later professing her love for me and wanting to sleep with me.

 

[Magna]

Thinx gave you great advice and I concur.

I asked about your GF's past because some people who grow up in chaotic environments for example, crave chaos and in fact will manufacture chaos in their lives if none exists even though it's toxic to do so. They crave living on an emotional roller coaster. It's not healthy.

Point being, you both have your own issues to work on and of which if unchecked likely make for a toxic relationship.

 

[cnn]

"I've questioned everything, struggled to trust her, emotionally abused her and I didn't realise these behaviours were rearing their ugly head again until it was too late."

I have a similar attitude. To an extend that my autist mind goes through every detail recklessly and do not leave any thing unchecked. I take it structurally hard wired in me.

If you dissect a human mind/ persona long enough, you will reach to a blank point where there is no that person any more. That is why technically consciousness does not exist (West World tackles this a lot). I call it autopsy on Julia Roberts. If you cut someone up, you wont see much beauty.

It is really a binary situation. Either she will stand it long enough for you to decide nothing else left to analyse or you will stop all together.

I personally can not see how therapy might help with the validating effort( emotional abuse). By the way, it is mutual, women have their own ways too.

Bottom line, I have nothing useful for you( or for me) in my toolset for this problem. However, I suggest that working on your own hAppiness is the best. Hope you won't need anybody one day, so that you can enjoy them at a healthy distance.

 

[Sammw]

I just don't know what to do I misser her so much, I'm just crying all the time

 

[cnn]

I just don't know what to do I misser her so much, I'm just crying all the time

Please dont get me wrong, but if you want to cry, cry. It will run its course, if you want a short cut, just do things that you enjoy, even if you dont in the beginning. The best way is to keep enjoying your life.

We tend to think of flirts as the only one, but neither we are, nor they are the only ones. We are mostly serial monogamous. Learn and do better next time.

 

[menander]

You may not understand it, but she wants ".....to meet, go for dog walks, sleep together, tell each other that we love each other ........" but she doesn't want to be with you.

It is up to you if you want to keep meeting, dog walking, sleeping together, accept when she says she loves you, etc.

A lot of us have been there. A lot of us HAVE sucked it up. A lot have walked away. This is your journey now. It is so painful to be involved with vacillating figures. But you will never make sense of it and will never understand such blatant contradictions. I don't either.

One day at time......

 

[Sammw]

I'm just so fed up of not being understood

 

[Thinx]

It sounds like a really tough time, I hope things get a bit brighter for you soon. I guess most of us here have had relationships that didn't work out. It's hard when that happens.

 

[Sammw]

Is there a chance of getting back with her if I can make the changes she's wanted me to?

 

[Thinx]

None of us here knows her, or what she's like, so we don't know how she may react, however you both sound unhappy with things. I think you should work on yourself to feel better and get some support or therapy if possible, as this will help you feel less distressed.

 

[Aspychata]

She really cares for you but maybe needs space / or she just needs space to see if she really cares for you. So either way, you need to respect and sit on the sideline until otherwise.

l ran from someone because the feelings were intense, l didn't feel comfortable with such intense feelings. We really flunk at intensity - it's not something we do well.

 

[paloftoon]

This back and forth is not healthy. Things are meant to be worked out while staying together. She might not be being direct with you because she knows you won't handle it well. Learn what you can from the experience and become a better person for everyone else around you. That is the best thing you can do that will help you move on. Exercise, drinking water, and deep breathing can help too.

 

[Brit]

Hi guys I'm new here but I've been lurking in the background for a little while.

Unfortunately what I'm about to say is going to be very long winded, please bear with me

So I was diagnosed with Aspergers/ADHD as a child, and have never since had an adult diagnosis. I'm now 30 years old.

I feel like I've managed to deal with and overcome a lot of the issues I struggled with as a child/teenager and until recently I genuinely believed I had really learnt to manage myself better..until the breakdown of my recent relationship.

Before meeting this girl I was single for almost 2 years, recently (6 months ago) I met a truly amazing woman through work, and we've had a very rocky relationship. I've questioned everything, struggled to trust her, emotionally abused her and I didn't realise these behaviours were rearing their ugly head again until it was too late.

Well hopefully not too late? She's quite an impulsive person and she pressed to move in after only being together for about 6 weeks (I obliged as I'm a people pleaser) and this definitely wasn't good for us. Lockdown hasn't helped either.

At the start of our relationship when we were "seeing each other - technically not together" she slept with someone else from work... However, she didn't tell me about this until a month later when we went for a weekend away in Edinburgh to get together officially. - she said she wanted to tell me about it because she regretted it, and that as we were entering a relationship she wanted to be honest going forward. I wish that at the time I was able to accept this and move in, but I just wasn't.. I tortured her about it the whole relationship

Aside from that we did have a very genuine connection and I really do love her, and I know she loves me too.

So we split up once about 6 weeks ago, she went to her mums, said it was done for good then 3 days later moved back in with me (her impulsive side) - we split up for good about 2 weeks ago, but have since been sleeping together, I can't handle this and neither can she as each time we spend some time together and get intimate I get really upset afterwards and ask for her back, even though I've already asked the day before.. Her answer is always that she wants time to process what's happened between us, she can't be with me now, and that she'd like to think we can be back together but she really isn't sure.... I just don't understand how we can meet, go for dog walks, sleep together, tell each other that we love each other but she doesn't want to be with me????? Anyway, about 3 days ago she really blew up at me, told me that she never wants to get back together with me and not to contact her again. I just don't know how to deal with this?? I mean I'm finding it really hard to believe because I know she can be impulsive but this time it feels like it carries some real weight and I think she means it.

I know for a fact that she loves me, and we spoke several times during our relationship about me getting some professional help (which I am now getting) and I know that more recently she's tried to support the fact that I do want to learn to manage my emotional side better. I just think I may have pushed her way to far?

Shes asked me not to contact her at all, it's something I can't do, I'm awful at giving people space! But I know that if me and her ever do stand the chance I need to back right off.. I'm just so so afraid of losing her, it really scares me!

I'm so frustrated because I really did think that I'd learnt to process this behaviour in a better was quite a few years ago, and recently I've realised that if I don't address this issue that I won't really ever be able to have a long and mea ingful relationship.

I know this is a very aspergic statement to make, but I really do feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. I'm very sure of it. I've messed up big time and I really want to repent. I know she loves me but I think I may have pushed her to the end of her tether.

Thanks for listening

How is it going sammw? Did the two of you work things out?

its a late response, but i sense she comes back to you because she really loves you too.

Hope it worked out