Please Help :'(

[Ruth_Alice]

I have been feeling extremely depressed for some time now and it is very hard for me to see a way out of it. I have often felt trapped and still feel very stuck. I don't feel that I have the energy or the social skills or maybe even the human ability to connect with very many people in order to make new friends. I feel like neither of my parents understand how much these challenges have impacted me on an extremely deep internal level. I really don't know how to keep going like this some days. I have felt like the living dead for so long.

I'm also still living at home and am having a hard time living in a house where I can constantly hear my parents talking, where it feels like arrangements are more recently being imposed on me, and I feel like they misunderstand me when I can hear them talking about me behind my back. Honestly when they're not home I can feel a lift in my energy and it just feels refreshing to get a break from them. It just feels like I'm surrounded by a lot more negativity when they're at home, like whatever personal things they're going through, I always feel the emotional weight of as well.

It's hard for me to feel like I'll ever be a functioning person, or even be able to experience much happiness. It just seems like it may not be possible for me somehow. In-person I have a very hard time thinking of much of anything to say to people, or maybe even having the energy for social interaction a lot of times. It's much easier for me when I can see things in text and respond that way, or even just talk over the phone, since there are fewer distractions and I can focus better on what is actually being said. But this makes it especially hard when trying to make new friends in person see. The two friends that I currently see are very negative and self-centered and never seem to value my input or try to include me in what we are all going to do as a group. I guess I mainly see them for the simple sake of social interaction. Because like I said, it's just very hard for me to expand my circle of friends since it's always been very hard for me to know of much to talk about in-person when I'm around strangers. I'm not sure that a book on "social skills" would necessarily cure it all either. It just seems like my mind usually goes blank for things to say. But maybe it is also energy-related.

Also, I was wondering if anyone has difficulty when processing new information? I was shadowing for a job today and all of the information/constant detail-overload really seemed to slow my my processing down a bit. It felt like they were rushing through their explanations. It's like when my mind becomes over-focus/or overly strained when trying to keep up with all of the information being given to me, then it wants to slow down after a while for some reason and then my mind just feels foggy after a while. Can anyone else relate?

I would really appreciate any advice on anything that I have mentioned.
It would mean a lot.
Thanks.

 

[Bolletje]

Just a quick reply to part of your post, because I have to leave for work in a bit: I have trouble processing new information too. My trick is to repeat their instructions, ask them if I have understood correctly, then write things down. Break it up into little bits if needed. It might seem tedious, but it'll save you a lot of trouble in the long run. I have trouble listening and interpreting information at the same time as well. I'll often ask people what they just said, but the moment I ask, my brain suddenly realizes what it is they said. Bit of a lag, if you will.

 

[Momo]

I have the same problem with social interactions and my parents at the moment, I may as well be speaking a whole different language and I think I'd get the same level of understanding from friends and family. And yes it is all very extremely draining and depressing, I can say I'm pretty depressed at the moment too. But my thoughts are: just keep going, keep striving for better. So what if nobody likes you or understands? If you have the strength to survive then it's good enough. I find my joy in my own actions now, and do not rely upon other to make me happy. But if your depression is getting severe it may be a good idea to find a professional you actually like (a rarity I know) to talk to.

As for the second part of your post, yes, I too have difficulty processing new information. It's a general aspie thing that we take time learning, but understand things with more depth than most people do.

Hope you feel better soon.

 

[Bella Pines]

I feel like neither of my parents understand how much these challenges have impacted me on an extremely deep internal level.

You are probably right. Everyone here can relate to everything you've said but there is a chance that if your parents are neurotypicals then they may never understand. But I am a mum myself and if they are talking about you and trying to make you do things, that means they love you unconditionally.

So they will never understand you and you may never understand them, so maybe work towards acceptance and go from there?

It's hard for me to feel like I'll ever be a functioning person, or even be able to experience much happiness.

But you are already a functioning person. I wonder if you just need to reset your measure of success?

You talk about making friends, expanding your social group. This sounds very NT to me. Are you measuring yourself by the expectations of those around you?

If you are trying to be something that you are not, then I daresay this may be the root cause of lack of energy and depression.

Learning social skills is perfectly possible and you can do that at any time. I did it when I needed to around my early 30s. But it didn't feel natural. You can do it if you want, the rules are boring and simple and it's a constant effort.

But is this what you actually want? What is it that you are looking for? And I suspect a large and draining group of needy friends is something that someone has told you that you want and not what you actually want.

It's much easier for me when I can see things in text and respond that way, or even just talk over the phone, since there are fewer distractions and I can focus better on what is actually being said.

Well then there you go. You are already on the path to solving your own problem and you didn't even realize it!

It took me 40 years to figure out that I work better if I can take in a lot of information, go somewhere quiet to process it. Then return once I have scribbled down my conclusions. I work better from home and often say "I'll think it over and get back to you".

 

[Keigan]

Headphones for home, none of us like to be around confrontation.

Find a hobby, volunteer, get out of your environment and find new friends.

Look for ways to possibly write down and organize the information flowing in, so you can review and process later, then take that understanding and review it with a peer or the person you are shadowing. Truly shows that you are trying and that you have the passion and capacity to learn something new.

 

[WereBear]

Honestly when they're not home I can feel a lift in my energy and it just feels refreshing to get a break from them.

This isn't your imagination. It is the key to you feeling better.

 

[Meg12]

I have been feeling extremely depressed for some time now and it is very hard for me to see a way out of it. I have often felt trapped and still feel very stuck. I don't feel that I have the energy or the social skills or maybe even the human ability to connect with very many people in order to make new friends. I feel like neither of my parents understand how much these challenges have impacted me on an extremely deep internal level. I really don't know how to keep going like this some days. I have felt like the living dead for so long.

I'm also still living at home and am having a hard time living in a house where I can constantly hear my parents talking, where it feels like arrangements are more recently being imposed on me, and I feel like they misunderstand me when I can hear them talking about me behind my back. Honestly when they're not home I can feel a lift in my energy and it just feels refreshing to get a break from them. It just feels like I'm surrounded by a lot more negativity when they're at home, like whatever personal things they're going through, I always feel the emotional weight of as well.

It's hard for me to feel like I'll ever be a functioning person, or even be able to experience much happiness. It just seems like it may not be possible for me somehow. In-person I have a very hard time thinking of much of anything to say to people, or maybe even having the energy for social interaction a lot of times. It's much easier for me when I can see things in text and respond that way, or even just talk over the phone, since there are fewer distractions and I can focus better on what is actually being said. But this makes it especially hard when trying to make new friends in person see. The two friends that I currently see are very negative and self-centered and never seem to value my input or try to include me in what we are all going to do as a group. I guess I mainly see them for the simple sake of social interaction. Because like I said, it's just very hard for me to expand my circle of friends since it's always been very hard for me to know of much to talk about in-person when I'm around strangers. I'm not sure that a book on "social skills" would necessarily cure it all either. It just seems like my mind usually goes blank for things to say. But maybe it is also energy-related.

Also, I was wondering if anyone has difficulty when processing new information? I was shadowing for a job today and all of the information/constant detail-overload really seemed to slow my my processing down a bit. It felt like they were rushing through their explanations. It's like when my mind becomes over-focus/or overly strained when trying to keep up with all of the information being given to me, then it wants to slow down after a while for some reason and then my mind just feels foggy after a while. Can anyone else relate?

I would really appreciate any advice on anything that I have mentioned.
It would mean a lot.
Thanks.

I relate to everything you are feeling. I would go insane if I had to listen to people talking all the time, especially about me. If it's not an option to live on your own, I would recommend some noise canceling headphones and other strategies to help you escape any discomfort. In general, I am only fully engaged in conversations pertaining to my interests. If it's someone I care about and they fully open up then I feel that connection and can then be present in the conversation. I don't see this as a fault, it's just an awareness. It's helped me to read books written by aspies who get it and visit forums such as this one. Then you realize you're not alone.

 

[Judge]

This isn't your imagination. It is the key to you feeling better.

Absolutely. Solitude for those on the spectrum is much like air to breathe. An absolute must to maintain our sanity. It seems to me for one who needs such solitude, if they can't find it at home then the best bet is to look elsewhere. A place- any place to retreat to where you simply don't have to interact with anyone.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

If one day you think you can be self-sufficient without your parents, then that would help, as being around negative persons drains me, and it sounds like that set up is not a happy one for you. As for the friends, I rather have one friend or zero, than bad friends. They are draining as well, and makes my self-esteem worse.

For me, I resorted to self-help and various at home social exercises, like answering random prompt questions in front of a mirror, reconditioning my mind through: self-praise, continuously changing negative thoughts to positive, diverting my mind from something negative to something else positive, positive visualization of me succeeding socially, altering expressions and postures to alter mood, etc.

For those who do not want to change in those ways, or other ways like medication and therapy, which I am not into those latter two, that is their choices obviously, too. For those persons that want to be accepted for being themselves as they are now, you will have a hard time finding many close NT friends as most do not have such issues socially. Many with severe social issues are not in the public trying to socialize.

As well, those who do not want to change could have more depression or anxiety when feeling more alone, or whenever aggravating persons or unexpected situations appear, if they had a need to be socially more appropriate or to fit in better in society to be happy.

I guess the answer for what you should do then is dependent on your personal desires, and not your parents or societal expectations. If you are happy being yourself and just want to live a simple life without caring about friends and your less social skills in person, then choose that maybe. But, if you need friends to be happy and/or to be better socially, some changes will be needed, and efforts must be made.

I realized my ability to communicate and think clearer and better by phone and writing than by in-person talks was largely because of less physical self-consciousness through these other communication ways, as others were not staring at me. This caused me to get tons of experience writing, and more talking on phones, which of course meant more confidence with doing that more, and more relaxation and better concentration.

In-person I felt more criticism and rejection could occur because of looking and acting too shy, and I put added pressure on myself to appear normal. This only made matters worse, as my mind then was on anything but what they were talking about, but how I was. I was not relaxed but tense speaking to others that I felt could not relate. I was there, but I was not there. I was trying to be someone I was not, as I did not love myself first, so I knew they could not like me.

So, the keys I feel are, is not only to dig deep within to find what really makes you happy, and to understand how you dream your life to be, but you must love yourself first, too, if you have not achieved this step yet. If you do not find yourself a great person, others will pick up on it, and you will be confused what it is you want in life, as that self-hatred could be making the wrong decisions for you. If you love yourself, you will be more assure of your decisions and direction in life, and you will not need others as much, or you will accept yourself more.

 

[Maelstrom]

I have been feeling extremely depressed for some time now and it is very hard for me to see a way out of it. I have often felt trapped and still feel very stuck. I don't feel that I have the energy or the social skills or maybe even the human ability to connect with very many people in order to make new friends. I feel like neither of my parents understand how much these challenges have impacted me on an extremely deep internal level. I really don't know how to keep going like this some days. I have felt like the living dead for so long.

I'm also still living at home and am having a hard time living in a house where I can constantly hear my parents talking, where it feels like arrangements are more recently being imposed on me, and I feel like they misunderstand me when I can hear them talking about me behind my back. Honestly when they're not home I can feel a lift in my energy and it just feels refreshing to get a break from them. It just feels like I'm surrounded by a lot more negativity when they're at home, like whatever personal things they're going through, I always feel the emotional weight of as well.

It's hard for me to feel like I'll ever be a functioning person, or even be able to experience much happiness. It just seems like it may not be possible for me somehow. In-person I have a very hard time thinking of much of anything to say to people, or maybe even having the energy for social interaction a lot of times. It's much easier for me when I can see things in text and respond that way, or even just talk over the phone, since there are fewer distractions and I can focus better on what is actually being said. But this makes it especially hard when trying to make new friends in person see. The two friends that I currently see are very negative and self-centered and never seem to value my input or try to include me in what we are all going to do as a group. I guess I mainly see them for the simple sake of social interaction. Because like I said, it's just very hard for me to expand my circle of friends since it's always been very hard for me to know of much to talk about in-person when I'm around strangers. I'm not sure that a book on "social skills" would necessarily cure it all either. It just seems like my mind usually goes blank for things to say. But maybe it is also energy-related.

Also, I was wondering if anyone has difficulty when processing new information? I was shadowing for a job today and all of the information/constant detail-overload really seemed to slow my my processing down a bit. It felt like they were rushing through their explanations. It's like when my mind becomes over-focus/or overly strained when trying to keep up with all of the information being given to me, then it wants to slow down after a while for some reason and then my mind just feels foggy after a while. Can anyone else relate?

I would really appreciate any advice on anything that I have mentioned.
It would mean a lot.
Thanks.

Try to find one kindhearted accepting friend who will have your back in life...it helps allot to know you are not alone.

you may have to go outside you normal social circles and age groups for this even a adopted sweet grandma to talk to can help.

 

[Ruth_Alice]

If one day you think you can be self-sufficient without your parents, then that would help, as being around negative persons drains me, and it sounds like that set up is not a happy one for you. As for the friends, I rather have one friend or zero, than bad friends. They are draining as well, and makes my self-esteem worse.

For me, I resorted to self-help and various at home social exercises, like answering random prompt questions in front of a mirror, reconditioning my mind through: self-praise, continuously changing negative thoughts to positive, diverting my mind from something negative to something else positive, positive visualization of me succeeding socially, altering expressions and postures to alter mood, etc.

For those who do not want to change in those ways, or other ways like medication and therapy, which I am not into those latter two, that is their choices obviously, too. For those persons that want to be accepted for being themselves as they are now, you will have a hard time finding many close NT friends as most do not have such issues socially. Many with severe social issues are not in the public trying to socialize.

As well, those who do not want to change could have more depression or anxiety when feeling more alone, or whenever aggravating persons or unexpected situations appear, if they had a need to be socially more appropriate or to fit in better in society to be happy.

I guess the answer for what you should do then is dependent on your personal desires, and not your parents or societal expectations. If you are happy being yourself and just want to live a simple life without caring about friends and your less social skills in person, then choose that maybe. But, if you need friends to be happy and/or to be better socially, some changes will be needed, and efforts must be made.

I realized my ability to communicate and think clearer and better by phone and writing than by in-person talks was largely because of less physical self-consciousness through these other communication ways, as others were not staring at me. This caused me to get tons of experience writing, and more talking on phones, which of course meant more confidence with doing that more, and more relaxation and better concentration.

In-person I felt more criticism and rejection could occur because of looking and acting too shy, and I put added pressure on myself to appear normal. This only made matters worse, as my mind then was on anything but what they were talking about, but how I was. I was not relaxed but tense speaking to others that I felt could not relate. I was there, but I was not there. I was trying to be someone I was not, as I did not love myself first, so I knew they could not like me.

So, the keys I feel are, is not only to dig deep within to find what really makes you happy, and to understand how you dream your life to be, but you must love yourself first, too, if you have not achieved this step yet. If you do not find yourself a great person, others will pick up on it, and you will be confused what it is you want in life, as that self-hatred could be making the wrong decisions for you. If you love yourself, you will be more assure of your decisions and direction in life, and you will not need others as much, or you will accept yourself more.

I apologize that it has taken me this long to respond. I have been struggling with low energy for a while and have been in-between jobs for the past couple of weeks/on the search (recently found a new one, hoping for the best).

I really love all of your suggestions. However, my greatest struggle right now seems to be with low energy. So when my energy is low like this, it can be a bit more of a juggle when trying to figure out how to even first pull myself out of this fix before pursuing the necessary self-work. In the summertime, or just the brighter/hotter months, my energy tends to take a pretty big dip- just a pretty big loss of physical and mental energy. Do many other aspies/auties experience this? It always starts to hit me first around late March, it seems. If you or anyone else who reads this would happen to know of some possible suggestions/supplements/etc. for that, I'm definitely all in.

I'm definitely still working on the positivity/positive thinking piece. I have some books on CBT/DBT (not sure which one would be better for me?). But I think because I am so reserved when I'm out in public, or around people that I can definitely feel harshly judging me for not being as normal as they are or as far along in life (like my brother and his wife, and pretty much my entire dad's side of the family (and he's one of seven)). So being around people like that only further instills feelings of unworthiness and just seems to reinforce my feelings of disconnection from people. My dad's side is basically just the type to deny any form of mental illness as being valid or even any form of depression in the family. They always sweep everything under the rug and are more of your average, loud, competitive, outspoken American family where image seems to be more valued than authenticity. So needless to say, I've never really gotten the most accepting vibes from them since I happen to be the complete opposite of them. And I'm sure my reserved behavior has confused them, but they've just said some pretty rude, snide remarks to me over the years, so I don't really understand how they ever expected me to get comfortable around them like family when I have always felt that level of condescension coming from them. I've honestly fantasized about moving to the opposite side of the country just to avoid having to deal with them. I've always tried to be polite towards them, but their behavior is exhausting, and they seem to love to gossip or act catty towards you if you don't fit in with them. Honestly, it's just stupid.

But I definitely understand the need to replace negative thinking with more positive ones. And for a while now I've been trying to limit the time that I spend with "the relatives," in order to help with just that. But then I'll hear my mom saying something to me like, "Well I think it just hurts their feelings that you don't come around much anymore," and then I'm left thinking- have you completely forgotten every reason why I have been avoiding them? She is a lot more NT and outgoing though so I'm sure it's easier for her to forget. I just hate feeling guilt tripped when I feel like I'm just doing what I can in order to preserve my own sanity and still work on building up my own self-esteem. People like that have just been tearing it up for a large part of my life, intentionally or not. So now I feel like I need to start working more on self-love/breaking self-destructive beliefs I've held about myself (knowingly or unknowingly).

I know that was a long rant. But back to what you were saying...
I'd definitely have to agree that people do tend to treat you on how much or little they can tell that you respect yourself. Someone told me that, "You teach people how to treat you," which I still think is true. But I think one of the hardest parts for me has been in my struggles with depression as well, and how it dragging down my mood and energy has often made it harder for me to see myself in a positive light as well as assert myself appropriately when people are taking advantage or being abusive in different ways. But it seems that the older I get, the more my bookshelf seems to be filing up with self-help books. So I'm sure it's best to not underestimate all of the wisdom, advice, and techniques that can be taken from those.

 

[Keigan]

Vitamin B12 in a mega-dose for a few days.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I apologize that it has taken me this long to respond. I have been struggling with low energy for a while and have been in-between jobs for the past couple of weeks/on the search (recently found a new one, hoping for the best).

I really love all of your suggestions. However, my greatest struggle right now seems to be with low energy. So when my energy is low like this, it can be a bit more of a juggle when trying to figure out how to even first pull myself out of this fix before pursuing the necessary self-work. In the summertime, or just the brighter/hotter months, my energy tends to take a pretty big dip- just a pretty big loss of physical and mental energy. Do many other aspies/auties experience this? It always starts to hit me first around late March, it seems. If you or anyone else who reads this would happen to know of some possible suggestions/supplements/etc. for that, I'm definitely all in.

I'm definitely still working on the positivity/positive thinking piece. I have some books on CBT/DBT (not sure which one would be better for me?). But I think because I am so reserved when I'm out in public, or around people that I can definitely feel harshly judging me for not being as normal as they are or as far along in life (like my brother and his wife, and pretty much my entire dad's side of the family (and he's one of seven)). So being around people like that only further instills feelings of unworthiness and just seems to reinforce my feelings of disconnection from people. My dad's side is basically just the type to deny any form of mental illness as being valid or even any form of depression in the family. They always sweep everything under the rug and are more of your average, loud, competitive, outspoken American family where image seems to be more valued than authenticity. So needless to say, I've never really gotten the most accepting vibes from them since I happen to be the complete opposite of them. And I'm sure my reserved behavior has confused them, but they've just said some pretty rude, snide remarks to me over the years, so I don't really understand how they ever expected me to get comfortable around them like family when I have always felt that level of condescension coming from them. I've honestly fantasized about moving to the opposite side of the country just to avoid having to deal with them. I've always tried to be polite towards them, but their behavior is exhausting, and they seem to love to gossip or act catty towards you if you don't fit in with them. Honestly, it's just stupid.

But I definitely understand the need to replace negative thinking with more positive ones. And for a while now I've been trying to limit the time that I spend with "the relatives," in order to help with just that. But then I'll hear my mom saying something to me like, "Well I think it just hurts their feelings that you don't come around much anymore," and then I'm left thinking- have you completely forgotten every reason why I have been avoiding them? She is a lot more NT and outgoing though so I'm sure it's easier for her to forget. I just hate feeling guilt tripped when I feel like I'm just doing what I can in order to preserve my own sanity and still work on building up my own self-esteem. People like that have just been tearing it up for a large part of my life, intentionally or not. So now I feel like I need to start working more on self-love/breaking self-destructive beliefs I've held about myself (knowingly or unknowingly).

I know that was a long rant. But back to what you were saying...
I'd definitely have to agree that people do tend to treat you on how much or little they can tell that you respect yourself. Someone told me that, "You teach people how to treat you," which I still think is true. But I think one of the hardest parts for me has been in my struggles with depression as well, and how it dragging down my mood and energy has often made it harder for me to see myself in a positive light as well as assert myself appropriately when people are taking advantage or being abusive in different ways. But it seems that the older I get, the more my bookshelf seems to be filing up with self-help books. So I'm sure it's best to not underestimate all of the wisdom, advice, and techniques that can be taken from those.

I think you are right in that even if there was an effective plan of action for you to consider, regarding like those self-help things I talked about, one needs the strength and energy to put that into place. In your case, I assumed your depression was home environment related as you had said you felt extra energy when away from your parents. So, that is part of the solution. But, if your lethargy is during the spring and summer months too, something else has to be the issue, too.

I have come up with some possibilities. From my research Seasonal Affective Disorder can be the reverse in 10% of the cases, meaning for some the summer months can actually cause more depression than the winter, because of the heat and humidity. Also, if you eat and drink differently during those months, that can have an effect on energy levels. Consuming less foods and drink during hotter months or that are less healthy could adversely affect how energetic you are. As well, any less sleep during more daylight hours can cause lethargy too.

For the supplements and foods that can boost energy, maybe others here would have suggestions, as I researched several sites and got lots of different answers. As low energy has never been a big issue of mine, those with depression and lethargy symptoms might know more. I did though have mild depression much of my life with my parents, and that has improved after leaving home, and after doing those things I talked about, but in your case, it looks like it is more, so I hope others can help, too.

 

[Maelstrom]

Vitamin D actually acts more as a anti Depressant

You changed your hair I think Ruth?

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I've been struggling a lot with social skills, making friends, anxieties, emotions and just having normal relationships with people. Just so many internal demons that I inadvertently let out. I feel like I'm heading into depression because it's just hard for me to be happy. I'm almost 30 and never dated in my entire life, and still live at home with my parents. I feel like such a pathetic loser. I have their love and support 24/7 but I'm just sooooooooooooo much different from them and I constantly disagree with them on things...I feel like I manage to frustrate them to some degree almost every single day. I tend to snap at them a lot and I don't know why. Nothing in common except for, well, family. I must have been adopted or something but they say otherwise. I just want to be sure that I don't hate them, because in all reality there's nothing to hate. I just feel like the antagonist of the family, the ne'er-do-well, the black sheep...and they were not the ones making me feel this way. It's all me. I always start arguments, I snap at them out of nowhere, I drive them crazy with my whining, complaining, anxieties, self-hatred, temper tantrums and stubbornness...I want to move out, and not for me. At the same time I'm not very well-adjusted and it's really convenient living in the same household. I want to do this for them, I just want to give them their well-deserved break. Can't stand doing this to them anymore. No one in my family does this, they're all just so decent and down-to-earth. My doc thinks that my parents' frustration has accumulated over many years, and I really don't want them to think that I'm beyond help. They're happy that I started visiting a therapist, but I only began this journey a couple of months ago and I really should have done it sooner and NOT sweep my struggles under the rug, hoping that they'll magically just go away one day.

I often have trouble deciding what to say to people and tend to stutter or hmmmm....before I actually speak. Bad social skills and anxieties do account for this. Whenever I get confronted by someone I just frustrated, and I frustrate so many people around me and I can't stand it, I'm a good person yet I always somehow push people away - anyway, I either snap at them in response and have a meltdown later, or I start acting all panicky and go into a deep tirade against myself. I also just cannot stand things that happen suddenly, out of the blue. If this happens at home I might run away and slam the door - and then I realize what I had done and immediately try to ask for forgiveness, but people most likely won't be ready to forgive me right away. I also have no common sense and a poor understanding of how things work. I also overthink things. These lead me to screw up a lot at work and I feel so much self-hatred when I get in trouble with my boss - and then I whine about it to my coworkers, saying what an idiot I am and all that kind of crap; and that, in turn, drives THEM insane too. I managed to ruin a friendly relationship with one of my coworkers even by doing all that stuff, and I never meant to, I don't ever mean to annoy and frustrate people. I'm really happy that despite the trainwreck I am, people treat me in a civil manner because I know I'm a good guy. I know that too, but my inner demons are just too much for people to handle. There are miraculously a few people I became friends with who have never shown any frustration towards me. How did that even come to pass? This is why I've been clinging to them beyond a moth to the flame; never thought I'd actually expand my almost non-existent social circle. My doc did recommend against that because he said that might actually scare them off. I pushed so many people away when I was in college with my off-putting, yet unintentional, behavior - and I cannot afford, for the sake of my new friends and self esteem, to let that happen again.

As for processing information, I do it rather slowly. I'm very smart (someone even told me that I have a computer in my brain, but I'm not a genius) - but I just learn and read slowly. Whenever I took a test in school I was always the last one to finish it. A bully even called me stupid, but I wasn't stupid - I was slow. He was the stupid one for deciding to become a bully in the first place. I also have poor communication skills and therefore it might take me several times to understand someone and many people don't like repeating their explanation; I've seen the frustration in those people's tones. I also understand things literally, end eventually there's this awkward moment where I finally understand what they were saying, but the ship has already sailed.

Everything that I mentioned here is such an overload on my brain and nervous system. I feel like I'm unhappy more often that I'm happy and that's not good, not good at all having wasted so many years on this. I should have started seeing a therapist sooner and that was my mistake. Being a member of this wonderful community on AC has helped me so much, made me feel right at home; I pretty much never felt like I fit anywhere at all. I'm only now embarking on my journey to self-improvement and better coping in the NT world, but better late than never right??

 

[Chance]

Hey Ruth_Alice... : )

All these people care about you! Your not alone, just take what fits and make it yours.
The vitamin thing is real. If you can get B complex (good quality) it will boost your energy.
Vitamin D, or magnesium (pretty small amount) will help your mood naturally and Magnesium is said to help shut off anxiety attacks. Its not instant and not some miracle, give it a little time to get in your system.

And my silly advice is headphones (just like these great people are saying). I live with ear buds crammed in my ears... 1. because I have hypersensitive hearing, and I can control things a little better 2. because I don't want other peoples stupidity floating around in my head.

I am surrounded by some nasty negative NT's. I am married to one of them who seems to hate my guts most the time. They can be very hurtful and not even notice it. Learn to live above it. Let it roll off, like water off a roof. People are people, and not many take the time to give a crap about the gifts that are given to us. LIFE being a pretty good gift, flaws and all.

I also have to find a place to get a way as much as possible. I need this to recharge, or I cant function very well. Plus I listen to uplifting motivational videos on youtube, this has been one of the greatest things that helped me... Just look up overcoming depression, or whatever. These videos are mind-blowing and they are built to change our mood and our life. They are gifts to pull us out of the pit of mucky thoughts.

We are what we think... Once I finally got this, my life changed very fast. I am not what people have called me. I'm not what people have done to me. I can be more, do more, and move forward. Is it going to be perfect? Hell no, its going to be what we say it will be, nothing more, nothing less. We are all gonna have a bad day now and then, but its just LIFE.
It will get better if you believe it will. We are all more powerful than we can even imagine.

Sometimes our worst enemy is ourselves. Watch your thoughts sweets and you will be just fine. Our thoughts produce the chemical cocktails in our brains that bring us happiness or hell on earth. Be happy no matter what. Sounds stupid I know, but I promise when I am down and depressed I can find something funny or uplifting, and I can shorten that hellish experience by a lot. Surprise everyone, be happy even when they aren't. It confuses them.

I'm terrible I know, but hey I was mentally, physically, and sexually abused as a young guy. I have ASD, I was made fun of and beat within an inch of my life many times. I was abandoned and basically left to fend for myself with very little stability for much of my younger years. I made it through all of it... And instead of letting it break me... I used it to let it make me a better person then those people can ever imagine being. Never let people crush you. You can cry all you want in private, I did... I still do, but I will never let my past predict my present or my future.

Never forget people (even total strangers) care about you, flaws and all.
Its called unconditional love and its what makes all things better.
Its the very fuel that runs the whole universe.

Later
Chance

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Everything that I mentioned here is such an overload on my brain and nervous system. I feel like I'm unhappy more often that I'm happy and that's not good, not good at all having wasted so many years on this. I should have started seeing a therapist sooner and that was my mistake. Being a member of this wonderful community on AC has helped me so much, made me feel right at home; I pretty much never felt like I fit anywhere at all. I'm only now embarking on my journey to self-improvement and better coping in the NT world, but better late than never right??

Yes, well I think you have taken three huge steps. The first one is admitting you have done things to either make others uncomfortable or to push them away, without tons of blame towards others. The second large step was admitting you needed to in ways get better, and the third step was the attempts by you so far at improvement through trying to keep those two friends (though you admit being too clingy), getting therapy, and focusing on coming here to relate to persons and to see if you can be helped more.

So, an A+ effort for this, as it will be the foundation needed to really improve. I would not be recommending you change anything if I felt you did not want to or need to, and if I thought it was all the others who were at fault. The next step could be to make sure you have complete diagnosists, as some conditions may need drugs and some will not. I am not talking about Autism or Aspergers, but others conditions depending on the level of any hyperactivity, OCD. or depression issue, for instance, as some may need some medication, whereas others just may need therapeutic or other treatment.

I feel any type of treatment is a personal choice for most cases, and sometimes it will have to be trial by error to see what works or not. People can have the same condition, and one drug could work for them, but not for another. The same is true for talk therapy, and as some therapists are better than others. Then there is self-help, alternative therapy, and other things to consider, too. This group is a type of therapy, as you can get support, and some answers or extra direction. In my case, I admit all of my improvement was only after leaving home, but I am unsure if you feel ready to make that next step. If not, can your parents help you step-by-step get you more ready for that, by making any plans for that, if you are ever wanting or needing of that?

I realize things seem really tough for you now, so what I say is not going to change things overnight, but are just my opinion for things to consider. So, I am wondering if your insurance would first cover a comprehensive neuropsychological evaluation. If so, that could give you lots of information about what is causing those issues. It could be one condition, two, or a combination of things. By having accurate diagnostics, this could bring relief to you and others who care, and lead to better insight what to do and how to tackle things. My wife did this 18 months ago and it really changed her life for the better. Then you can research treatments for that condition(s), and choose what is best for you. I am not sure if you are confident of any of your past medical diagnostics, or are questioning that/those.

Although I likely do not have the condition(s) as you, by your signs and symptoms stated, I went through lots as well. I grew up in a very bad home environment, and did not start dating until my early thirties. Admitedly I was confident in my severe social anxiety disorder diagnosis then, and I knew I was more a perfectionist. So, then I researched things after living alone and going through college, and started self help things geared to overcome social anxiety, by worrying less, thinking more positively and increasing self-esteem, and steps
to get better social skills. Only when I was heading in the right direction did I think about dating. I focused then on doing things sequentially, too, by making friends online, then just meeting as friends, then not forcing more, if it was not a fit.

I focused just on gradual improvement in the right direction, and to one day reach my goals. In my mind I was not in a race, as I was away from the abuse, able to do most everything on my own, through trial and error sometimes, and as I had a brother to talk to by phone farther away, if need be. I had my own car though, so that made things easier. Despite my severe shyness, fears and avoidance of persons through all my college years, I managed each day to reflect on the good of my situation, and see the growth in me. Finishing my degree gave me more confidence, as did meeting more women, and as especially I started to see me not only as a good person but a positive and functional person.

So, I see hope for you, too. It all starts in your mind what is it that you feel you need most. Although I can take an educated guess by saying things I recommend for you here, you have to believe that. If instead your goal is to date first, then it may be needed to feel a bit more confident and functional first to not repel others. That would require accurate diagnostics, treatment recommendations, or finding that treatment on your own that would make you feel more independent, functional and confident. If your desire is to be more independent first, and away from parents, then do the things step by step to achieve that. You have lots of answers in your mind, already. It just requires then that energy and plan of action to become happier in life, and not pressuring yourself to do too much, too soon. I do not see your situation as hopeless. You have begun much of the process already.

 

[Maelstrom]

I have been feeling extremely depressed for some time now and it is very hard for me to see a way out of it. I have often felt trapped and still feel very stuck. I don't feel that I have the energy or the social skills or maybe even the human ability to connect with very many people in order to make new friends. I feel like neither of my parents understand how much these challenges have impacted me on an extremely deep internal level. I really don't know how to keep going like this some days. I have felt like the living dead for so long.

I'm also still living at home and am having a hard time living in a house where I can constantly hear my parents talking, where it feels like arrangements are more recently being imposed on me, and I feel like they misunderstand me when I can hear them talking about me behind my back. Honestly when they're not home I can feel a lift in my energy and it just feels refreshing to get a break from them. It just feels like I'm surrounded by a lot more negativity when they're at home, like whatever personal things they're going through, I always feel the emotional weight of as well.

It's hard for me to feel like I'll ever be a functioning person, or even be able to experience much happiness. It just seems like it may not be possible for me somehow. In-person I have a very hard time thinking of much of anything to say to people, or maybe even having the energy for social interaction a lot of times. It's much easier for me when I can see things in text and respond that way, or even just talk over the phone, since there are fewer distractions and I can focus better on what is actually being said. But this makes it especially hard when trying to make new friends in person see. The two friends that I currently see are very negative and self-centered and never seem to value my input or try to include me in what we are all going to do as a group. I guess I mainly see them for the simple sake of social interaction. Because like I said, it's just very hard for me to expand my circle of friends since it's always been very hard for me to know of much to talk about in-person when I'm around strangers. I'm not sure that a book on "social skills" would necessarily cure it all either. It just seems like my mind usually goes blank for things to say. But maybe it is also energy-related.

Also, I was wondering if anyone has difficulty when processing new information? I was shadowing for a job today and all of the information/constant detail-overload really seemed to slow my my processing down a bit. It felt like they were rushing through their explanations. It's like when my mind becomes over-focus/or overly strained when trying to keep up with all of the information being given to me, then it wants to slow down after a while for some reason and then my mind just feels foggy after a while. Can anyone else relate?

I would really appreciate any advice on anything that I have mentioned.
It would mean a lot.
Thanks.

Sounds like classic autistic stress induced shutdown...
I call it the Black Fog but it is more like swimming in Honey, depending on how bad it is voices can get faint and far away and I lose social memory details that come back as repressed memory flashbacks later.
I had missed social details memories flashing back on me for almost 8 months after lost almost engagement...the family stressed and basically terrorized me so bad...with so many social ambushes!
One thing you should know tho is if you are more isolated they get worse when you do socialize so seeking isolation like many aspies do can backfire...but too much socialization can wear one out too!...so rationing social time is wise!
It sounds to me you may have a family situation that may not really have to do with you...just a guess?

Good luck with things @Ruth_Alice I am sorry you feel bad!

 

[Janja]

[



These tips are all very good. I actually enjoy talking on Zoom sometimes because my face is visible, but they can’t see me taking notes. The notes are often things that I want to say, but I know that if I wait for my turn to speak, I will have forgotten them. So I appear as if I am having a spontaneous conversation with NT people, but my little secret is that I am writing things down so I can refer to them.

 

[Nick12]

I hope you are happy Have the best day ever