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Possible BPD Behavior

M

MembershipFree

New Member
I met this one girl late last year and I suspect she may have BPD so I need to approach her differently in dating her. Since I met her, she went through phases of significant flirting with me and then acting very angry and disorderly in front of me. She insists she has trauma. She says she needs a man who can tame her and likes to test boundaries.

When I first met her, her first reaction was to introduce me to her ex boyfriend. Her ex boyfriend's reaction to the introduction was for him to introduce me to his new gf. She told other people she is scared of me cause I may like her. She then introduced me to a guy but insisted she is just a friend. She told me she needs to leave the country for several months on a sporadic teaching mission and advised me which places I should not be going to because "too many young girls go there". I once asked her if she has any BPD traits cause she sort of reminds me of a BPD ex and she got violently angry at me yelling that I dont know her well enough (making me suspect she has well researched BPD to the point that she has an emotional reaction while most people who have no experience involved in clinical psychological for instance may not really care about the label)

I started noticing that whenever I go out, I have people connected associated with her including her mom, uncle, uncle's girlfriend, and at least two friends following me around town (its not a big town) as well as asking questions that are designed to mine for information that you only a woman would ask (ex: "when do you want to get married?" "why do you want to date a woman of this age but not this age?") i also get a feeling that these people are "watching" another girl who has shown some interest in me in the past (note: that other girl tried to talk to me out of dating this girl by saying shes "on many meds")

i find it very suspicious that while this girl is sort of obsessed with me, her uncle and her wont add me on facebook and other social media accounts. whenever i bring up the topic to her uncle, he creatively dodges it. one last time i asked he seemed to have immediately walked out of the room and called that girl.

does this seem like this going some weird direction where i will be facing? can anyone help me understand this all better?
 
MembershipFree said:
I met this one girl late last year and I suspect she may have BPD so I need to approach her differently in dating her. Since I met her, she went through phases of significant flirting with me and then acting very angry and disorderly in front of me. She insists she has trauma. She says she needs a man who can tame her and likes to test boundaries.

When I first met her, her first reaction was to introduce me to her ex boyfriend. Her ex boyfriend's reaction to the introduction was for him to introduce me to his new gf. She told other people she is scared of me cause I may like her. She then introduced me to a guy but insisted she is just a friend. She told me she needs to leave the country for several months on a sporadic teaching mission and advised me which places I should not be going to because "too many young girls go there". I once asked her if she has any BPD traits cause she sort of reminds me of a BPD ex and she got violently angry at me yelling that I dont know her well enough (making me suspect she has well researched BPD to the point that she has an emotional reaction while most people who have no experience involved in clinical psychological for instance may not really care about the label)

I started noticing that whenever I go out, I have people connected associated with her including her mom, uncle, uncle's girlfriend, and at least two friends following me around town (its not a big town) as well as asking questions that are designed to mine for information that you only a woman would ask (ex: "when do you want to get married?" "why do you want to date a woman of this age but not this age?") i also get a feeling that these people are "watching" another girl who has shown some interest in me in the past (note: that other girl tried to talk to me out of dating this girl by saying shes "on many meds")

i find it very suspicious that while this girl is sort of obsessed with me, her uncle and her wont add me on facebook and other social media accounts. whenever i bring up the topic to her uncle, he creatively dodges it. one last time i asked he seemed to have immediately walked out of the room and called that girl.

does this seem like this going some weird direction where i will be facing? can anyone help me understand this all better?
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Run. Run away.

Too many monkeys in that circus.

A relationship should not have that sort of drama, controlling behaviors, and unpredictability. No man is going to tame that.

Most men on the autism spectrum have a difficult time understanding "normal" women in their lives, let alone someone like that. You're going to be mentally exhausted, frustrated, unhappy, and likely abused in that sort of relationship.
 
It's possible she has BPD traits, but it's important to remember none of us are psychiatrists here so it just a hunch, nothing more.

Personally I think BPD is often over diagnosed and the behaviour displayed towards people with a BPD diagnosis can actually make someone so distressed and spiky when it comes to talking about their mental health issues that they display characteristics that neatly fall into what you'd expect.

She could have mental health issues that basically go untreated due to the attitudes of mental health professionals, who basically leave people with genuine distress to fend for themselves. Their problems are seen as a product of their own poor behaviour rather than a "classic" mental illness. You can kinda see where this is going. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

That being said. My mother has some sort of personality disorder and I have in the past, been vulnerable to falling into relationships with people who have the same sorts of traits. It never went well and I always found myself being re-traumatised. If this is something you have experienced yourself, you might find yourself being attracted to the same type of person and patterns of behaviour.

It sounds like she's giving you mixed messages and is perhaps being a bit manipulative, particularly concerning romantic relationships. These could be indicators of BPD. My advice would be to consider very carefully if this is something you can deal with if you became a couple as she's already displayed this sort of thing towards her ex and towards you, leading to confusion.

I know for sure one of my relationships was with someone who had BPD and they often set up situations where there would be tension between me and their ex's. It was exhausting and I had to walk away for the sake of my own mental health.
 
In your profile, it says you’re not on the spectrum, and you didn’t mention anything about autism. How is autism related to any of this?

Do you feel as though this dynamic is something you want to keep going? I failed to see in your post what was good about having a relationship with this girl. It sounds like only problems and complex social games. Bipolar disorder is a very intense illness, it takes a huge amount of energy for the person with it to manage it. If it is some thing that girl does indeed have, it is her business to bring it up and then talk about it, not yours.
 
Rodafina said:
Do you feel as though this dynamic is something you want to keep going? I failed to see in your post what was good about having a relationship with this girl. It sounds like only problems and complex social games. Bipolar disorder is a very intense illness, it takes a huge amount of energy for the person with it to manage it. If it is some thing that girl does indeed have, it is her business to bring it up and then talk about it, not yours.
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I'm pretty sure BPD is used to mean "Borderline Personality Disorder" in this instance. BD is more commonly used for Bipolar Disorder. This is why I try to avoid abbreviations...

Otherwise I completely agree with you. I also fail to see the positives here. Is there anything you (@MembershipFree) are getting out of this besides being able to say you are in a relationship, and perhaps some feelgood factor from the "significant flirting"?
 
Interesting I must say, but the familial claustrophobia of this story makes me think of a small mountain village in Albania. Full of paranoia and impending doom.

But like Rodofina I too wonder what brings you here, to an autism forum?
 
MembershipFree said:
I met this one girl late last year and I suspect she may have BPD so I need to approach her differently in dating her. Since I met her, she went through phases of significant flirting with me and then acting very angry and disorderly in front of me. She insists she has trauma. She says she needs a man who can tame her and likes to test boundaries.

When I first met her, her first reaction was to introduce me to her ex boyfriend. Her ex boyfriend's reaction to the introduction was for him to introduce me to his new gf. She told other people she is scared of me cause I may like her. She then introduced me to a guy but insisted she is just a friend. She told me she needs to leave the country for several months on a sporadic teaching mission and advised me which places I should not be going to because "too many young girls go there". I once asked her if she has any BPD traits cause she sort of reminds me of a BPD ex and she got violently angry at me yelling that I dont know her well enough (making me suspect she has well researched BPD to the point that she has an emotional reaction while most people who have no experience involved in clinical psychological for instance may not really care about the label)

I started noticing that whenever I go out, I have people connected associated with her including her mom, uncle, uncle's girlfriend, and at least two friends following me around town (its not a big town) as well as asking questions that are designed to mine for information that you only a woman would ask (ex: "when do you want to get married?" "why do you want to date a woman of this age but not this age?") i also get a feeling that these people are "watching" another girl who has shown some interest in me in the past (note: that other girl tried to talk to me out of dating this girl by saying shes "on many meds")

i find it very suspicious that while this girl is sort of obsessed with me, her uncle and her wont add me on facebook and other social media accounts. whenever i bring up the topic to her uncle, he creatively dodges it. one last time i asked he seemed to have immediately walked out of the room and called that girl.

does this seem like this going some weird direction where i will be facing? can anyone help me understand this all better?
Click to expand...
She may have trauma and or issues regardless a label isn't necessary. If she already acted angry or disorderly then why would you confront her with I think you have bpd traits of course she would respond with anger given the little bit you explained. I feel like that is no different then confronting someone that has diagnosed asd and ask them do you have npd traits but obviously not net an outburst. I just find that approach rationale on your part but ridiculous given the context/behavior of that girl to attempt such a feat without careful preface leading up to that conversation. This also takes prowess in reading her mood and knowing when to push and when to be passive. Their moods can shift but being that you dated a bpd person before this you already know this.

If she is too inconsistent for you, she cant explain herself or feelings, is in denial how dysfunctional she is or unable to help herself or seek it then one must move on. If she is willing to seek help, explain herself, and has a feasible way to negotiate then there maybe some hope.

Mind you my mother and my wife has bpd (30 years experience here living in close quarters) so if anyone can unpack what your going through with her I can to an extent. Just like asd....bpd is a spectrum as well traits can be similar but can manifest differently.

I also know that people that are in longterm relationships with bpd, typically have npd or high narcissistic traits, asd, spd, aspd or some type of emotional deficit in the realm of anhedonia/alexithymia. A typical neurotpical cant handle the emotional whiplash of bpd women for a long term relationship without wreaking havoc. I find bpd women very attractive, passionate, loyal but also have quirks like anyone else. I think they are a challenge to me, help me with social aspects I lack, and keep me from floating off in the abyss of not caring about anything or anyone living in a pool of nihilism.
 
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I do not have autism but I like hearing perspective from people. People have labeled me as a narcissist in social and professional settings before but I never proceeded with formal assessment for NPD.

What I am wondering is WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK SHE IS HIDING FROM ME? She goes to great extremes for me to not add certain people and seeing certain content. I told her we had a mutual friend and the next thing I see is that the friend restricted all of his photos related to her.
 
To answer another's question, I do not think she is "bipolar". I see no mood swings but a lot of "social games". I think the games can be fun a bit.
 
It's creepy that anybody follows you. Still can't get past that. That's a total of five people that seem to be connected to her. Why do you need to be followed and asked questions? It sounds like a bad movie and it's only going to get worst. Great answers everybody has here. Good luck.
 
My gut feeling is that the "stalking behavior" is for two reasons:
(1) she may not be confident interacting with me directly so she wants a feel for my attitudes on topics (including mental illness and politics) before she approaches me
(2) she wants to ensure another girl doesnt hit on me

I feel like AS/ND people can provide insight that more commonly wired people cant in this realm. Plus this forum has various types of people with varying experiences.

How do you anticipate this will play out with her and what risks am I facing?
 
Why even invest your thought or time in her? Seems the level of skepticism you have merits to break contact. There is plenty of other women out there.

1. You want to know why she acts the way she does and you see her as a puzzle.
2. You want to help her.
3. You have no real other selections currently and are settling/contemplating due to dopamine rush of her flirting/attention ability and thinking lustfully.
4. This is just to past the time until someone else comes along better.

All ignorant assumptions on my part and all plausible
 
MembershipFree said:
I feel like AS/ND people can provide insight that more commonly wired people cant in this realm. Plus this forum has various types of people with varying experiences.
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I see. In my opinion, and from experience with relationships that play out in a tense and almost adversarial theme, they don't work well. It's a lot of flip flopping and bewilderment.

To be up front. I am only just starting to pursue being tested for ASD. So I'm not diagnosed, but I strongly suspect I'm on the spectrum. A lot of people on the spectrum struggle to decode typical social behaviours. So you may find that we struggle to advise you on how to respond to what may be confusing and atypical behaviour.

My response to the behaviour you have described was to believe I was always at fault for the negative and manipulative behaviour I experienced. So my solution was (after many damaging experiences) was to recognise the patterns in behaviour, for example love bombing, being idealised then being belittled. I ended up cutting my losses and moving on asap.

Until the patterns are broken, the same loop just plays over and over.

Both your hypothesis (1and 2) could be equally probable and valid. I don't think that this sounds like a good foundation for a relationship. That's just my 2 cents.
 
Are there not any fora dedicated to BPD / NPD and / or mental illness?

Autism is not a mental illness so our opinions are just that. We don't necessarily have any more insight on this situation than you do, although we all seem to agree it sounds like a very problematic dynamic best avoided. If you find yourself attracted to people who play "head games" or manipulate you, you may wish to find an appropriately trained mental health counsellor for yourself instead of her.
 
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