Pre diagnosis/ Relationships

[Pinky22]

Good evening.

My partner has recently started her referral for autism and is awaiting the questionnaire to get the process started. Over the last six months she has pushed me further and further away, saying she wants to be alone, can’t commit to anyone or can’t show me love and prefers friendships. We have been together six years prior to this and I do believe this is down to mental health/current referral. I don’t want to leave my relationship after so long when this change in behaviour tells me she has a lot going on. I constantly tell her I love her and I’m there for her. Has anyone else had a similar experience or can provide any advice? It’s all so confusing and I feel lost.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Well, all I can say is "Hang in there." She may just have her mind preoccupied with the whole process,...and if she is autistic,...that means a lot of intrusive, obsessive thoughts,...sometimes to the point where it may be a bit consuming. Advice: Have her write all of her thoughts down for the psychologist. It was helpful for me to make my "You might be autistic if,..." list. I ended up with about 150+ itemized things. Once they are down on paper,...Word file,...whatever, then it's there,...and she can move on to the next. Seriously, it took me weeks,...a few things one day,...list a few more the next,...it's a process. Now, I am lucky enough to have been with a rather quiet, undemanding wife,...I know I sort of neglected her during all of this,...and at the time, I don't think she was 100% on board with it all, but she was supportive, and kept her thoughts to herself.

It took her about 2 years to settle into this whole idea of my autism, as it took a fair amount of education and retraining of her brain to accept it.

 

[Pinky22]

Thank you for this! Like I said we have already been together six years. She recently started therapy which opened a can of worms. Her therapist told her she felt she might have autism and it’s all just started from there. She only had so many sessions then has to have a break and felt the book was never closed. I have advised going back to which she agreed. She has a lot going on and has health issues too. She just says she doesn’t love me anymore, she doesn’t want the intimacy or touch but she wants me around as her friend. It’s hard as we have a future planned together. We both want children but she hates the fact that she can’t make me happy. I told her I am happy to wait but she just keeps pushing me away. I asked for a reason for all of this and she hasn’t really given me a valid answer just that, things change or she doesn’t love me like she used to. I am willing to stay around as after six years it’s not something I want to throw away easy but there more I say I’m staying around the worse it gets. She keeps saying she wants space. I am giving her as much time and space as I possibly can and supporting her through her diagnosis. I know her and I know this is not how she usually is so I’m hoping after the diagnosis is all over things settle. Is it normal to feel so alone living with someone going through this? Really rough for me. I don’t want to leave as I’m certain she will regret that.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Thank you for this! Like I said we have already been together six years. She recently started therapy which opened a can of worms. Her therapist told her she felt she might have autism and it’s all just started from there. She only had so many sessions then has to have a break and felt the book was never closed. I have advised going back to which she agreed. She has a lot going on and has health issues too. She just says she doesn’t love me anymore, she doesn’t want the intimacy or touch but she wants me around as her friend. It’s hard as we have a future planned together. We both want children but she hates the fact that she can’t make me happy. I told her I am happy to wait but she just keeps pushing me away. I asked for a reason for all of this and she hasn’t really given me a valid answer just that, things change or she doesn’t love me like she used to. I am willing to stay around as after six years it’s not something I want to throw away easy but there more I say I’m staying around the worse it gets. She keeps saying she wants space. I am giving her as much time and space as I possibly can and supporting her through her diagnosis. I know her and I know this is not how she usually is so I’m hoping after the diagnosis is all over things settle. Is it normal to feel so alone living with someone going through this? Really rough for me. I don’t want to leave as I’m certain she will regret that.

Well, something else to consider,...if it is autism,...autism is one of the "low dopamine" neurological conditions. In other words, it isn't going to take much to push someone like that into a depressive state. Once there,...boy,...everything in your life looks a bit bleak and hopeless. Seeing a therapist may help,...because even if she doesn't outwardly say, "I am depressed.", the therapist may pick up on it and suggest a little something to perk her up (meds). Being diagnosed,...with anything,...sort of comes with a stigma if you are not ready for it. She might feel a bit "broken" right now. It's part of the process,...sort of like the steps of grieving,...but ultimately, there will come a day of acceptance and moving on with her life. It's hard to see someone go through this,...but as frustrating as it is,...understand it is a process,...and as a support person in her life you just have to keep your behaviors and words positive.

 

[Tom]

I asked for a reason for all of this and she hasn’t really given me a valid answer just that, things change or she doesn’t love me like she used to.

I think you may not be seeing things clearly. That's about as plain as it gets. It takes two to start a relationship but only one to end it. She may be going thru a rough patch, but don't confuse that with being mentally incompetent and as if you know better then her what she is feeling or needs.