'Preaching' not talking

[Jane100]

Hi everybody. This is my first ever online autism forum. I read the thread about Aspie speech, and joined because while some described characteristics or 'problems' rang a bell to me, nobody mentioned my problem so I thought I would. Maybe somebody has a similar one?

I have been accused of 'preaching' when I tried to explain something, and people switched off. I've never had any intention to preach and have been focused entirely, and probably obsessively, on making whatever I was explaining easy to understand, often by trying to show a pattern in it to facilitate future recognition of the discussed issue. I think I get too carried away, maybe also a bit impatient.

I also think it may be my tone of voice: too emotionally, too loud and too fast, which may suggest to others that I preach.

I have a very curious mind and when something interests me, which happens quite often, I won't walk away from the subject until I satisfy my thirst to know a lot about it. Consequence is that I know more than most people do (though I don't know enough).

I also talk about things that interest me. Come to think of it now, perhaps people feel that I'm boasting when I think I'm sharing?

I suppose all this combined may create this impression that I'm preaching to people.

I feel that I am misunderstood. All this alienates friends and family but I have no idea where and how to start the control action, and WHAT exactly to control. I've often determined not to participate actively in conversations but, somehow, I always get drawn in and the situation repeats itself.

Has anyone had a similar experience?

 

[tree]

 

[Anthracite]

Yeeeep, I go off on rants and info-bardments on a regular basis, mostly to deaf ears. I don't think it's that people think you're a know-it-all (some do undoubtedly), it's that they have no idea how to respond to such things - most people only come across such a great deal of information in a lecture.

You don't need to stop talking about your interests, just keep it to a certain limit and don't repeat yourself too much. Where exactly that limit will be relies on your personal situation and that of your family/friends.

 

[Judge]

I suppose all this combined may create this impression that I'm preaching to people.

I feel that I am misunderstood. All this alienates friends and family but I have no idea where and how to start the control action, and WHAT exactly to control. I've often determined not to participate actively in conversations but, somehow, I always get drawn in and the situation repeats itself.

Has anyone had a similar experience?

Absolutely. While we don't all have the exact combinations of traits and behaviors, this one strikes me as being relatively common. Which for every ten words an NT might use, we'll use 50- or even 100. Where we'll likely be accused of being "pompous" or "long-winded" given a drive to explain things in detail. Particularly if it involves one of our "special interests".

Welcome to AC. The right place to explore such traits and behaviors.

 

[RachelleG]

Hi everybody. This is my first ever online autism forum. I read the thread about Aspie speech, and joined because while some described characteristics or 'problems' rang a bell to me, nobody mentioned my problem so I thought I would. Maybe somebody has a similar one?

I have been accused of 'preaching' when I tried to explain something, and people switched off. I've never had any intention to preach and have been focused entirely, and probably obsessively, on making whatever I was explaining easy to understand, often by trying to show a pattern in it to facilitate future recognition of the discussed issue. I think I get too carried away, maybe also a bit impatient.

I also think it may be my tone of voice: too emotionally, too loud and too fast, which may suggest to others that I preach.

I have a very curious mind and when something interests me, which happens quite often, I won't walk away from the subject until I satisfy my thirst to know a lot about it. Consequence is that I know more than most people do (though I don't know enough).

I also talk about things that interest me. Come to think of it now, perhaps people feel that I'm boasting when I think I'm sharing?

I suppose all this combined may create this impression that I'm preaching to people.

I feel that I am misunderstood. All this alienates friends and family but I have no idea where and how to start the control action, and WHAT exactly to control. I've often determined not to participate actively in conversations but, somehow, I always get drawn in and the situation repeats itself.

Has anyone had a similar experience?

Hi, I can relate to your frustrations about being told that you are "preaching". This is common for those of us on the spectrum and I have fallen into that trap at least a million times! So what can you do about it? First, you have to take deliberate actions to self-monitor your emotions and your speech. Secondly, you have to teach yourself to slow down - that one is tough - but if you can do it gradually you will get better at it. Think of your speaking skills as your writing abilities. Your post was composed well and it was conversational. You probably gave a lot of thought about what you wanted people to retain from your post. If you can apply the same technique to your speech, you will be speaking like a pro before you know it!

I hope this helps,

Rachelle

 

[Tom]

Remember that others don't share your interest and passion in the subject. The best course is not to go there or if you can limit it to a short comment. The main problem I think is that once you (we) launch into a interest subject it is no longer a conversation. Conversation is a in the moment thing with each taking turns and you have no control over where it will go. Often it will hang around minor or topical subjects. But it includes the other.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Has anyone had a similar experience?

Ayup. This is my life. I can't tell you how many times I've launched into a story only to have a friend/coworker stop me halfway through and say, "Just get to the point!" I realized that when I would tell a story, I wanted the other person to have all the same facts and stimuli as I did, to make them feel exactly like I did, so I would go into excruciating detail.

For years, I had a boss who would want to move fast on everything. I would bring up complicated engineering issues and he would want them summarized in 30 seconds or less. One time, I had to summarize an issue that would take 15 minutes to explain into, "X is wrong and I can prove it." As much as I hated working for him, I really benefited from learning to summarize.

I've made a very deliberate study of how to shorten stories to keep them within other people's attention spans, and how to not just assume that everyone else is just as interested as I am. It's a disappointing realization that I might never find someone who's as enthusiastic about topic X as I am, but I just have to accept that. Nowadays, if I want to share a story, I'll just share a teaser first, "Oh, something like that happened to me one time..." and wait to see if anyone expresses interest.

Also, I'm not perfect at it and I still go off the rails sometimes. I created a several page write-up a month or two ago about how Gosper's Hack works, and how all the binary operations work together to make it efficient and effective. I presented it to my team (of experienced, professional programmers!) ... and ... crickets. I guess it was just too much low-level detail for a group that deals in very-high level Windows API programming. <Sigh>

 

[Otenba]

Welcome to the forum.

I have been accused of 'preaching' when I tried to explain something, and people switched off.

I've not been accused of preaching, but my employer have told me that how I explain my health needs to others at work makes people "switch off". It is a big problem for me since I have poor relationships with work colleagues, but you can't make people care about you if they don't want to care, so I don't know what to do about it. Work just want me to accept their poor attitudes towards me so they don't have to do anything about the office; while to me, it feels like I'm being ostracised on purpose because I don't fit my work colleagues' ableist standards. Not a nice situation to be in.

I hope you can find a good way to resolve this problem, and that it doesn't affect you like it has affected my life at work. On a side note, I'm still working out how I fit on the spectrum and to know that others with autism have this sort of communication problem does help me feel more reassured about seeking my adult diagnosis.

Enjoy your time on the forum and hope you find the answers you seek. Best wishes.

Edit: Just to add, I have usually ended up sitting in silence at work all day because I don't feel okay to speak around my work colleagues - probably because of this exact problem.

 

[Niknak]

I resonate with this. When I worked at a fish store it was a great outlet for me, as people wanted to know about the fish they were buying. Now that I don't, it's back to no one cares. I've been accused of talking too much and being a know-it-all more times than I care to recount. I just don't talk. I can't make small talk and if I have nothing of importance to contribute, I just keep to myself.

 

[Streetwise]

Hi everybody. This is my first ever online autism forum. I read the thread about Aspie speech, and joined because while some described characteristics or 'problems' rang a bell to me, nobody mentioned my problem so I thought I would. Maybe somebody has a similar one?

I have been accused of 'preaching' when I tried to explain something, and people switched off. I've never had any intention to preach and have been focused entirely, and probably obsessively, on making whatever I was explaining easy to understand, often by trying to show a pattern in it to facilitate future recognition of the discussed issue. I think I get too carried away, maybe also a bit impatient.

I also think it may be my tone of voice: too emotionally, too loud and too fast, which may suggest to others that I preach.

I have a very curious mind and when something interests me, which happens quite often, I won't walk away from the subject until I satisfy my thirst to know a lot about it. Consequence is that I know more than most people do (though I don't know enough).

I also talk about things that interest me. Come to think of it now, perhaps people feel that I'm boasting when I think I'm sharing?

I suppose all this combined may create this impression that I'm preaching to people.

I feel that I am misunderstood. All this alienates friends and family but I have no idea where and how to start the control action, and WHAT exactly to control. I've often determined not to participate actively in conversations but, somehow, I always get drawn in and the situation repeats itself.

Has anyone had a similar experience?

yes I get the 'oh my G~d it's a boring arse 'look in the eyes if I talk about what I'm interested in.
people are selfish !what they want to do is talk about themselves and they want you to agree with them so if you don't want to gossip you are boring.
I do what I call the robot which is talk for a few minutes then robotically stop myself from talking listen to them then talk a bit then robotically stop again then I'm depressed because I want to talk for ages .
don't do it very often .

 

[Nitro]

Hi Jane100

 

[Otenba]

yes I get the 'oh my G~d it's a boring arse 'look in the eyes if I talk about what I'm interested in.
people are selfish !what they want to do is talk about themselves and they want you to agree with them so if you don't want to gossip you are boring.
I do what I call the robot which is talk for a few minutes then robotically stop myself from talking listen to them then talk a bit then robotically stop again then I'm depressed because I want to talk for ages .
don't do it very often .

I know what you mean too. I've lost count how many times I've felt regret for even contributing my opinion on stuff just because of how people responded afterwards. Some people have no idea how aggressive they come across, but I suspect it is because they do not want me to join in. You start to notice a pattern.

 

[Streetwise]

I know what you mean too. I've lost count how many times I've felt regret for even contributing my opinion on stuff just because of how people responded afterwards. Some people have no idea how aggressive they come across, but I suspect it is because they do not want me to join in. You start to notice a pattern.

 

[Fitzo]

It's important to remember that a conversation is a two way thing. If it's only one way it becomes a lecture!

Welcome to the forum!

 

[FreeDiver]

It's important to remember that a conversation is a two way thing. If it's only one way it becomes a lecture!

And that "one way" can go in "ether" direction.

 

[Progster]

Yep, I'm guilty of this at times too - though I'm not a very talkative person. I'm like a steam roller - once I start, it's hard to stop me, and I just have to finish what I want to say, because I feel that what I have to say is important. It takes a conscious effort to manage my conversation.

 

[Bella Pines]

I call in monologuing. And it's an aspie trait

 

[Mary Anne]

Absolutely. While we don't all have the exact combinations of traits and behaviors, this one strikes me as being relatively common. Which for every ten words an NT might use, we'll use 50- or even 100. Where we'll likely be accused of being "pompous" or "long-winded" given a drive to explain things in detail. Particularly if it involves one of our "special interests".

Welcome to AC. The right place to explore such traits and behaviors.

I did not know factually, that people on the spectrum use way more words, but have sure noticed it since joining this forum, and reading autism blogs on Wordpress. I also tend to get long winded.