Preferring to prolong an argument

[Liam Sifr]

I know this sounds ridiculous. But a month back, I had a meltdown because my NT spouse kept checking up on me, and using tactics to keep me in her presence despite my need for space and privacy. I kept getting innocuous questions that lead nowhere other than to determine what I had been doing when I left the apartment, when I left, what I did (I was taking a walk) and how long it took (barely an hour and a half). I have communicated my need for decompression time and I only get that on my walks at night, when the rest of the world is asleep (including she).

I keep finding the whole need for me to be present throughout when she is at home (she works bankers hours), me juggling new work (which saps most of my energy in the day) and usurping personal downtime really stressful. It affects my work (because she'll be texting with investigative vigour throughout the day) during the odd hours that actually need to work. We had agreed that I needed to earn more bread, and departed from running my own consultancy (which was barely making ends meet, but gave me peace of mind) and six months ago I applied for a job I wanted (and got it at the first try). I now earn double what she does, and even that seems to be a source of resentment. The cumulative effect is that I have deliberately chosen to participate in the upkeep of the household's finances, in the hopes that she would leave me alone (beyond the time that I set aside for her, our kid and family). I never restrict or question her movements but she has an obsessive need to know where I am after work (all the time either stuck in a late night meeting or commuting).

I wouldn't have minded these idiosyncrasies if not for the fact that she has a social life. Surrounded by peers, friends and with a spotlight of her own on social media. The last time I felt like I had a friend was years ago. Don't believe I have any now. She gets to pour her heart out on Facebook, and interact with people for comfort; which I never restrict. She gets to visit her parents (I don't like family interaction that much) and I never say no. While she badgers me about her need for a break, a holiday (she is on sabbatical since I took up the decision to continue earning bread), and by definition of holiday, new experiences (which cost money), places, people, I was more than ecstatic when she got invited by her parents and family to spend some time with them on holiday. I finally get my time alone.

The sooner that I communicate this thought, and my intent to take personal time from work while she and the kid are away with her family, I get interrogated about the number of vacation days I have, what I intend to do with them (she expects that I spend each and every single one with her) and why I was more than happy to let her go off on holiday without me (and vice versa)

These experiences often spiral south every time. From the last bout (where she demands something I cannot give, or feel uncomfortable doing which usually involves experiences which are out of character for me), I decided that prolonging the Cold War in the aftermath was much more cost effective (in terms of the amount of emotional duress I am put under).

Don't get me wrong, while I love my spouse, I have tried time and time again to let her know that while I can deal with the holiday as a family together a couple of times a year, and do the good husband bringing home bacon bit; it all requires an excessive amount of toil on my part. All I need at the end of each cycle is downtime. Not for trysts, or anything she might think I am involved with. But to literally hear my own voice in my head and be able to come to terms with the things I have done thus far.

However each time I get the feeling I have a little liberty to exercise that personal luxury, it would end up with one argument, or another.

I am trying very hard not to have another meltdown at the office (when most of these issues bug me) or while commuting home from work each day. So I go through the paces with the melancholic prejudice of what I can only identify as depression.

 

[Persephone_]

Dear Liam,

NT woman here.

She seems to be an insecure person, that needs a LOT of atention.

I guess you are looking for ways to keep the relation in good feelings for you both. So, did you told her that you need time to yourself, alone? That you really love her and that the relationship is really important for you; That you worth her trust; Perhaps that can help you... She needs to understand that you feel the world in a different way than she does..... and also that you love her... that she doenst need to be so unsure of what you do when she is away...

Perhaps reading foruns like this can help...

Good luck for you!

 

[Mia]

Think that under the circumstances, you will have to take your solitary time without needless interference. You do not need anyone's permission to do so. Make it very clear that in order to function on your job, and in your life, it's an absolute requirement. Your spouse will have to learn to trust you. Turn off your phone, and only use for emergencies during that time.

My spouse early retired last year, and had a high level position in government. Over many years he tailored his job to meet his own criteria. He worked 'off' hours, rarely had to deal with commuter traffic, or phones and the distractions of lots of people around. His down time was after work, hours spent doing the things he liked to do, late into the night, and it still is.

This worked for both of us. I had no need or requirement that he be available to me all the time. As I have my own pursuits and require time to myself as well. In a partnership, both have to give, not simply one person.

Five years ago I stopped going to family events (after thirty years of doing so), they stressed me out so much that I became ill afterwards. Eventually even my spouse's visits to his own family became too much, after many years I refused to go. He arranged to go with his brother on these visits, and began to think of them as an opportunity to spend time with his brother every year. I think of them as my own private break from daily life and routines. But that week alone, is spent reading, gardening and painting without interference. Something I look forward to every year; my own chosen aspie vacation.

When his family asked me why I don't visit them with him, the implication was that I disliked them, I suspect. I simply replied that my spouse wanted alone time with 'just' his family. They liked that idea, and have not questioned me since. I did say at the time though, that I liked having some time to myself, and it was an opportunity to do so.

 

[xudo]

She seems to be an insecure person, that needs a LOT of atention.

This is exactly what was going through my mind reading the original post.

She may be able to change, she may not. She definitely needs to understand that your need for alone time isn't because you don't wish to spend time with her, or because you are up to something. I realise that you seem to have tried to explain this to her before, but she either isn't listening or doesn't want to believe it, instead preferring to think you must be up to something.

You need to show her (perhaps not this thread, because I doubt an insecure person would take a thread about them that well) some things on AC or maybe there's some videos out there online of people on the spectrum talking about our need for alone time. Until she understands that you actually need alone time and makes a commitment to change her ways, you will be stuck in this situation.