Priorities and dating someone with Autism Spectrum Disorder

[Chard]

Hi all,

I would really appreciate some guidance, even if only to better understand.

I talked with someone on an online dating site who was all I could possibly hope- kind, intelligent, knew the right things to say.

It came the time to meet, and we did, and my very first impression of him, based on speech patterns, and augmented by a couple of sensitivities, was “this person has autism.” ( That has persisted- I see it less when we have been spending time together; it seems obvious when we reunite after time apart.)

I decided to keep an open mind on the first date as to if this could work, and was glad I did -discovered that all I had seen was as true as I thought - a sweetheart, and we had a ton in common, and someone I could truly respect for how they treated themselves and others.

I still love being in contact with this person, by email.

We have had a couple “blips”, and aren’t currently dating, but I would love some insight.

The biggest thing I had trouble with is despite being kind, and compassionate and caring, an expression of “I really need to talk to you” often got met by. “I don’t have time now— maybe in a few days.” Or, “I’m working on my hobby- can we chat later?” (And later didnmr seem to come.)

What got prioritized on top of relating when I was in emotional distress (mild) seemed to indicate I was not important- from a NT’s prioritization perspective— hobby practice, routine, simple emotional energy conservation.

And I really did not feel I was asking for much— sometimes he had even offered to check in or talk.

Other evidence showed he cared.

And if he is on the spectrum— which he has not brought up so I feel I cannot— I get his needs and priorities will be different.

He has recognized that it might not be fair to date me because I need a partner who is generally available, and he is, in his words, “busy”.

I feel busy would be fine, if I could feel appropriately prioritized. Which is partly my problem, and partly something we cannot discuss in the terms that would best help me- because we cannot address the NT/non-NT difference if it’s not something he is acknowledging.

My question is this— is there a reason that so much would trump a relationship he seemed to value that being on the spectrum explains? (It wasn’t that I sometimes got lower priority— it was that it was happening with so much regularity that I never felt prioritized, and everyone has to feel they come first sometimes.)

Would this change long-term? The only other autistic person I dated was clear that people would never be as important to her as dogs, and they never were, so I wonder if it is the same here- or if this could change?

Any ideas on how not to take thy personally if we reunite, or I end up with someone on the spectrum with similar patterns next time round?

And how to discuss it?

He honestly makes me feel better to be with than anyone else I know- except for these blips of seeming indifference to distress.

 

[OkRad]

An ASD "hobby" can be life or death. Threaten that, and poof. Even if it's an imagined threat. I can assure you that if the person likes you, they care deeply, extremely deeply. But caring may not always overcome the need to be alone and panic that can ensure by being in the presences of another person.

They may want deeply to be with you, but may also be driven to be alone and engage their mind is the only way they have learned to feel safe in an unsafe world.

Maybe your best bet maybe would be to foster his hobby, but not get too close to it. Don't go all in and learn it just to be with him. But learn about it and ask him about it and see how deeply he has gone into it. If he is a true Aspie, it will blow your mind how deeply he has mastered his "hobby." If he feels threatened by you getting too close to it, he may not like that, but if you show no interest at all, he may think that he is being a bore and hurting you.

Those are just a few thoughts that could be totally wrong, but I hope others answer so you can balance out a lot of answers.

I hope it works out! Stick around and let us know. We like happy endings

 

[Isadoorian]

I recommend searching the forums on similar topics; we get lots of people asking for advice on NT & Aspie Dating, or Vice Versa just about every day of the week

 

[Chard]

An ASD "hobby" can be life or death. Threaten that, and poof. Even if it's an imagined threat. I can assure you that if the person likes you, they care deeply, extremely deeply. But caring may not always overcome the need to be alone and panic that can ensure by being in the presences of another person.

They may want deeply to be with you, but may also be driven to be alone and engage their mind is the only way they have learned to feel safe in an unsafe world.

Maybe your best bet maybe would be to foster his hobby, but not get too close to it. Don't go all in and learn it just to be with him. But learn about it and ask him about it and see how deeply he has gone into it. If he is a true Aspie, it will blow your mind how deeply he has mastered his "hobby." If he feels threatened by you getting too close to it, he may not like that, but if you show no interest at all, he may think that he is being a bore and hurting you.

Those are just a few thoughts that could be totally wrong, but I hope others answer so you can balance out a lot of answers.

I hope it works out! Stick around and let us know. We like happy endings

Thank you— this is great- this is really what I need.

The “need to be alone and engage the mind”- I get that.

I actually share the hobby— except I do it professionally— and yes, it is amazing how deep he goes.

That’s, I think, while it feels odd— I KNOW what you can get away with and still be responsible to it- — and it is about a quarter of what he does.

So it seems to be a need— a need I don’t get because I don’t share in that way.

Thank you for giving me insight into it.

 

[Chard]

Would the “safety” aspect also explain why he upped his involvement with something he was doing tri-weekly to weekly when we got involved — sometimes to the detriment of getting to meet? If dating is complex and shaky, it might.

Whereas I would tend to keep or decrease other commitments when dating cane around.

 

[offkey]

NT-Aspie communication on feelings, to me, is like two people speaking different languages (or at best, two people who have only a selection of words in common).

The best thing to do is to be very clear and explicit about what YOU need, and how he can help you with that, but make sure to address this in a matter-of-fact-way and not so that he may experience it as a demand or reproach.

The point is: when he cares and he's really interested in you, he wants to connect, but that's also when we're the most vulnerable. Too much unpredictability will lock his emotions. I know that for most NT's spontaneity is very important, and maybe even essential in a (love) relationship, but if he's not able to grasp the situation, there's no room for spontaneity, and he'll retreat to his mind.

Now that I'm thinking of it, there's suddenly the realization that in NT to NT interaction (and especially dating), being not spontaneous and honest without subtlety, about vulnerabilities or any other emotion related/social theme (the kind of NT paradoxes that baffle me) is often considered a bad thing to do. But if one of us really likes you, that's no problem at all. Rather, I'd say it's perfectly logical.

 

[Fino]

I would think it's best to openly discuss autism, special interests, alone time desires, etc, but it's hard to say because I don't know exactly how close you are to each other. But I feel it'd be best for all those things and more to be very openly discussed to eliminate all guessing and anxiety, as soon as possible. I feel like if he feels you're important to him, he would try communicating enough information to you to keep you from feeling alienated or unwanted.

 

[Chard]

I think it might be a good discussion to have, if the opportunity arises.

We have an enjoyable online friendship, right now— we backed off from a romantic relationship for logistical reasons.

Possibility is still on the table.

I love the insight about being matter of fact. That HASN’T worked with some NT’s I dated- unless the emotional impact was there, it wasn’t taken seriously.

The reproach bit explains a lot.

 

[tducey]

Take them for them, realize that with an Autistic there are going to be challenges. Compromise will have to be key on both your parts as well. I think if that happens you should have a good relationship.

 

[Chard]

Is trouble with scheduling/scheduling to allow enough time for a partner an AS thing?

In other words, is it likely I will need to take on that piece of emotional labor to actually see him?

I usually try and keep it even with the work in that with both of us to allow both of us to be invested equally.

But that never seemed to work or flow.

 

[TempeFan]

There are those of us Aspies who have very solid loving decades long marriages. Like any relationship, it takes communication, respect and compromise, as well as knowing one's self and picking a soulmate that helps you be happy.

As for the situation you described, it seems very viable but a few things would have to happen first. He would need to realize he is on the spectrum and get to the point where he can let you in on it. He may not even suspect he is on the spectrum, but if he is, when he finds out, he will finally be able to make sense of why people treat him differently. At this time he will better understand what he wants and why he wants it and how he might want to adjust his behavior to include others as a priority. Then he would need to realize he wanted the relationship. Some aspies don't have a strong need for an emotional connection but if he truly found the right person and concluded that the relationship was sustainable and desireable, you'd have something there. Aspies have a more difficult time processing and engaging in illogical behavior because it prevents them from doing what they decided to do. Dishonesty and disloyalty in a relationship just doesn't work, so chances are he would not go there once he made the commitment. Then a balance would have to be established. You can't be that woman who says, "If you loved me you wouldn't have to ask, you would just know." because he won't. You won't either because Men are from Mars and women are from Venus but Aspies are from a whole 'nother galaxy. My hubby, of nearly 20 years, and I like it there.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

wanting to be alone and do your own thing is the MO of most on the spectrum. more than likely, he genuinely likes you, but he has his routine and will fit you in as he sees fit. attempting to upset that will upset him.

as other have mentioned, if you're looking for spontaneity and for him to just know the deal without you saying anything...forget it! you need to be straight up and to the point and not assume that he going to just get it. reading between the lines is not a strong suit of those of us on the spectrum.

like any relationship, It can work if you're willing to put in the work.