• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Problems with a friend

B

bonobomagic

Well-Known Member
I have a good friend who I play d&d with. He has aspergers disorder. I am trying to be good friends with him but we keep running into problems. I am very religious and he keeps hounding me about my beliefs(he's an atheist) to the point that it is disturbing to me. I do not believe he is trying to be rude or mean with it. He often talks for hours to me and I enjoy our conversations (I'm a very quiet person so I don't mind when he rants, I actually prefer when other people dominate conversations.) but I get burned out on social interaction easier than most people. I've had a lot of difficulty expressing that he needs to leave in the past. The problem is that I have schizotypal personality disorder. Expressing myself is extremely hard, my thoughts are disorganized, I have social anxiety, I speak in a flat tone etc. It's not the religion thing I'm looking for advice on though part of my disorder is having strange to the point of incoherent religious beliefs making it hard to express what exactly I believe in. I was hoping you people would have tips for ways to express myself that he would understand. Should I be extremely blunt? I'm paranoid so it's very hard for me to be "rude" to people as I then have fear. Are there any strategies or tips to dealing with an autistic spectrum disorder person? I want him to more easily understand my intentions without being rude or mean to him but I have trouble being direct with people. Does anyone have any advice?
 
Most Aspies prefer directness, I think. I know I do.

In many cases it is possible to be direct and honest without being emotional or insulting. Of course, I don't know your friend, but he should be respectful of your boundaries; he may simply be unaware that he is crossing them. That would not be uncommon in an Aspie.
 
Bay said:
Most Aspies prefer directness, I think. I know I do.

In many cases it is possible to be direct and honest without being emotional or insulting. Of course, I don't know your friend, but he should be respectful of your boundaries; he may simply be unaware that he is crossing them. That would not be uncommon in an Aspie.
Click to expand...

I agree with this.

Also, you seem to be great in expressing yourself and it's very nice to take the effort and ask this first here. Perhaps if you don't feel comfortable saying this to him directly you could write it down and send it to him? That way he can reread and think about it for a little while at his own pace. He might be very understanding about how you feel if you explain it like this.
 
I really agree with Bay. Often us aspies have no idea we are crossing a boundary. I would just sit down with him and be prepared with a statement ahead of time maybe. Of Look when we are together I find it hard sometimes because of my own issues to let you know how i feel about things. So I am going t to tell you...bring up whatever it is that you want to talk to him about. Maybe give examples so that he knows next time what to look for in his own behavior. Good luck:)
 
Sometimes a friend can be a pain in the a**. I guess my friend Mary isn't talking to me right now. I've called twice and no return call. She is bipolar and this has happened before. I'll do something that she doesn't like and not hear from her for months. We had a really bad fight a couple weeks ago where she actually said some pretty bad things to me and I let her have it - I mean I let her have it and I said words that I have never said before. I'm just not going to let anyone say something about me and not stand up for myself. At the end of the argument I said I didn't want this argument to change our friendship and even apologized for anything I may have said that might have upset her, but she did not apologize. We spoke once since then and now nothing after I have called twice. I also didn't go to the HOA meeting like I have been (Mary is on the Board) and she has been upset about that before, but I'm not on the Board now and I have other things that need my attention more. I left a message saying I have school starting next week and won't be able to talk much after that. I'm not doing anything else. I'm tired of always being the one to keep a friendship going and the other person does nothing. Whatever. And I'm tired of her mood swings. I'm not always happy either, but I don't go and ignore someone who is supposed to be a good friend for weeks or months at a time. I deserve better than that. And if she is mad at me then say so. I don't like not getting any answer and wondering if I did something wrong.
 
Before we got involved, me and my current partner were friends for a long time. During this time we had terrible arguments about just about anything. There was always a pattern to it, he'd do something I didn't appreciate and I'd keep over-analyzing it till he couldn't take it anymore. Then he'd get really mad and say hurtful things that he'd later regret in order to shut me up. During his period of regret, he wouldn't talk to me. It was terribly frustrating. Then at some point we'd start talking again like if nothing happened. I wouldn't mention the argument for a few days, until it felt safe, and then we could generally discuss what happened.

You say you hate your friend's mood swings, more than likely she hates them too. You need to remember that she doesn't act that way to hurt you, but because she doesn't know any other way to react. It might not even be about you, she might just be mad at herself for having said those things. If you want to be friends with her, you'll need to accept that that's how she behaves and learn to cope with it. Try to focus on the things you like about her instead and why you became friends in the first place and give her time to come to you.
 
Be blunt but polite and write down what you would like him to understand in short concise points.
It is very difficult for people with Aspergers to understand any view other than their own. We also do not get something the first, second or tenth time someone tell us.
Good luck
 
I have this problem with a family member. I can frame an explaination, but he won't listen, doesn't care. He can't grasp that everyone has a different way of looking at things. Even if I say it's hurtful I just get him saying that he's just telling it like it is and I'm blinded to how things really are.
 
hurtloam said:
I have this problem with a family member. I can frame an explaination, but he won't listen, doesn't care. He can't grasp that everyone has a different way of looking at things. Even if I say it's hurtful I just get him saying that he's just telling it like it is and I'm blinded to how things really are.
Click to expand...
This is someone who thinks they "Own The Truth". I know a couple of them myself. Not very successful conversationalists.
 
I have to admit that I am capable of this. I do try very hard to be mindful of it, but it takes a LOT of energy and sometimes it does cause misunderstandings and I know I have caused awkward and even painful situations because of it. I don't mean to cause anything like that, of course. I actually went very far the other way for a long time and became very pathological about not wanting to impose on anyone. I guess Depeche Mode said it with their song, 'Get the Balance Right', Lol.

It is important to be direct (I like that better than the word blunt) and try and avoid any ambiguity if you can. Indirect communication with a view to 'softening the blow' can sometimes be interpreted as not a request but an option.
 
nurseangela said:
Sometimes a friend can be a pain in the a**. I guess my friend Mary isn't talking to me right now. I've called twice and no return call. She is bipolar and this has happened before. I'll do something that she doesn't like and not hear from her for months. We had a really bad fight a couple weeks ago where she actually said some pretty bad things to me and I let her have it - I mean I let her have it and I said words that I have never said before. I'm just not going to let anyone say something about me and not stand up for myself. At the end of the argument I said I didn't want this argument to change our friendship and even apologized for anything I may have said that might have upset her, but she did not apologize. We spoke once since then and now nothing after I have called twice. I also didn't go to the HOA meeting like I have been (Mary is on the Board) and she has been upset about that before, but I'm not on the Board now and I have other things that need my attention more. I left a message saying I have school starting next week and won't be able to talk much after that. I'm not doing anything else. I'm tired of always being the one to keep a friendship going and the other person does nothing. Whatever. And I'm tired of her mood swings. I'm not always happy either, but I don't go and ignore someone who is supposed to be a good friend for weeks or months at a time. I deserve better than that. And if she is mad at me then say so. I don't like not getting any answer and wondering if I did something wrong.
Click to expand...
Sounds like my relationship with my mother. Eventually it gets old. You may get to a point when you decide it's best to keep your distance as far as the drama while still letting your friend know that you will always be there for her. But the whole one sided thing, where only one of you keeps the relationship going can definitely start to wear on you after a while. Like you said you have other important things to deal with in your life. Just do what you have to do and maybe she'll change when she sees that you're not buying into the drama anymore for the sake of friendship. Oh I hope school's going well for you so far. I'm only 2 weeks in and it's been hectic.
 
Anon88 said:
Sounds like my relationship with my mother. Eventually it gets old. You may get to a point when you decide it's best to keep your distance as far as the drama while still letting your friend know that you will always be there for her. But the whole one sided thing, where only one of you keeps the relationship going can definitely start to wear on you after a while. Like you said you have other important things to deal with in your life. Just do what you have to do and maybe she'll change when she sees that you're not buying into the drama anymore for the sake of friendship. Oh I hope school's going well for you so far. I'm only 2 weeks in and it's been hectic.
Click to expand...

Unfortuantely this is the option I've found to work the best as well. It is a difficult one because I care about this person, but I have to look after myself too. I even had to delete him off of facebook because he was bringing the drama there as well and trying to make random points to get me to change my mind. The weird thing is, I don't ever bring the subject up. I don't really talk about my faith much, so it's not like he's reacting to me trying to shove it down his throat. I don't participate in the drama, but I am always available if this person needs me. That's all I can do really.
 
hurtloam said:
Unfortuantely this is the option I've found to work the best as well. It is a difficult one because I care about this person, but I have to look after myself too. I even had to delete him off of facebook because he was bringing the drama there as well and trying to make random points to get me to change my mind. The weird thing is, I don't ever bring the subject up. I don't really talk about my faith much, so it's not like he's reacting to me trying to shove it down his throat. I don't participate in the drama, but I am always available if this person needs me. That's all I can do really.
Click to expand...
Well said. It took me years to learn that lesson mostly because I was afraid of what I'd lose. Because like you said, you care about the person. But eventually it just gets to a point where you have to put yourself first instead of the drama. Difficult but necessary. It feels good later on when you suddenly realize how long it's been since you let go of the burden yet you're still able to rest easily knowing that you're still a listening ear for the other person if they need you.
 
giphy.gif

this is how you deal with drama. Goku is shooting his drama beam at you, so you nut up and punch Goku right in his face.
 
Anon88 said:
Sounds like my relationship with my mother. Eventually it gets old. You may get to a point when you decide it's best to keep your distance as far as the drama while still letting your friend know that you will always be there for her. But the whole one sided thing, where only one of you keeps the relationship going can definitely start to wear on you after a while. Like you said you have other important things to deal with in your life. Just do what you have to do and maybe she'll change when she sees that you're not buying into the drama anymore for the sake of friendship. Oh I hope school's going well for you so far. I'm only 2 weeks in and it's been hectic.
Click to expand...

I start Tuesday. :(
 
nurseangela said:
I start Tuesday. :(
Click to expand...
Good luck my friend, good luck. I barely made it through the first week thanks to my fear of crowds and socializing. Thought I was going to crack. And that was BEFORE I fully realized that I'd taken on 6 classes and 17 units. The second week was easier though.
 
Anon88 said:
Good luck my friend, good luck. I barely made it through the first week thanks to my fear of crowds and socializing. Thought I was going to crack. And that was BEFORE I fully realized that I'd taken on 6 classes and 17 units. The second week was easier though.
Click to expand...

What???!!! :eek: You're gonna need a straight jacket and a padded cell before the semester is over! :confused:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom