Problems with People

[orotunddaedal]

I started hanging out with a group of local people at bars and parties and some people didnt like my presence in the groups (i used to hang out with some people from the group back in the day but i faded from the group when i was dating women) they started messing me with by for instance going around telling everyone how im a bad person cause im not vaccinated. i then got a vax card so they had no excuse for not having me around so they started using more drastic methods to try to make me go away such as telling people that i can slip drugs in drinks. they also began either making things up or heavily exaggerating things i did to try to get me banned from places that we mutually frequent. one of the girls in that group worked at a local bar and whenever i came in she would find excuses to cut me off after 1 or 2 beers. how do you perceive this situation? have u encountered something similar before?

 

[Rodafina]

Maybe it’s the bars and parties that are the problem. Any chance you could find people to spend time with based on shared interests?

Sounds like you could use a new group. Or no group at all… I prefer individual connections as group dynamics always confuse and bother me.

 

[Luca]

Maybe it’s the bars and parties that are the problem. Any chance you could find people to spend time with based on shared interests?

Sounds like you could use a new group. Or no group at all… I prefer individual connections as group dynamics always confuse and bother me.

This is probably really obvious from my posts, but “friend groups” are my biggest social weakness.

Individual connections are much more meaningful and have way less drama (hopefully none.)

 

[George Newman]

I love to go fishing. I don’t make the time to enjoy this pastime like I probably should. It’s very good for me.

When I go fishing I want to catch the fish I like to catch. If I do my research effectively, I can go to places to catch fish I like to catch.

I know of one place that is a wonderful place to fish but I just do not have good luck finding the fish I like to catch. I desperately want this place to be good for me but alas I had to remove it from my list.

I know this may not be as easy as I am analogizing, but you may want to do a bit more research and look for better quality friends in better places.

Your situation is not unique as most of us have and are experiencing the exact same outcome. I applaud you for seeking advice.

Happy fishing my friend.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I started hanging out with a group of local people at bars and parties and some people didnt like my presence in the groups (i used to hang out with some people from the group back in the day but i faded from the group when i was dating women) they started messing me with by for instance going around telling everyone how im a bad person cause im not vaccinated. i then got a vax card so they had no excuse for not having me around so they started using more drastic methods to try to make me go away such as telling people that i can slip drugs in drinks. they also began either making things up or heavily exaggerating things i did to try to get me banned from places that we mutually frequent. one of the girls in that group worked at a local bar and whenever i came in she would find excuses to cut me off after 1 or 2 beers. how do you perceive this situation? have u encountered something similar before?

Reputation destruction via gossip is a very common form of aggression, and can be far more effective than actual physical violence. When people talk about you in a derogatory way when you are not present, we call it "back stabbing". Bold people will purposely wait until they have an audience, a group of people around them, then make their attack on your reputation in your presence. It's a very effective way to ruin a person. Facts and truth are irrelevant. You rarely have recourse. If you get emotional from the attack, this is "icing on the cake" for these people. Not only have they destroyed your reputation, they've removed your support system, they've isolated you, they've got the group against you, and they've made you emotionally upset. Win, win, win, win, and win for them. Game over. Walk away. Get new people.

In the corporate world, this is called FUD (fear, uncertainty, and doubt), and is solely aimed at undermining and destroying the competition. Click onto any news outlet, say the "Yahoo" home page, and it is brimming full of op-ed FUD articles against people, businesses, ideas, etc.

In politics, this is very common.

 

[orotunddaedal]

Reputation destruction via gossip is a very common form of aggression, and can be far more effective than actual physical violence. When people talk about you in a derogatory way when you are not present, we call it "back stabbing". Bold people will purposely wait until they have an audience, a group of people around them, then make their attack on your reputation in your presence. It's a very effective way to ruin a person. Facts and truth are irrelevant. You rarely have recourse. If you get emotional from the attack, this is "icing on the cake" for these people. Not only have they destroyed your reputation, they've removed your support system, they've isolated you, they've got the group against you, and they've made you emotionally upset. Win, win, win, win, and win for them. Game over. Walk away. Get new people.

In the corporate world, this is called FUD (fear, uncertainty, and doubt), and is solely aimed at undermining and destroying the competition. Click onto any news outlet, say the "Yahoo" home page, and it is brimming full of op-ed FUD articles against people, businesses, ideas, etc.

In politics, this is very common.

Why do you think they want to damage me to begin with? Why do you feel like they have to take that step?

 

[Judge]

Why do you think they want to damage me to begin with? Why do you feel like they have to take that step?

Might be worthwhile to keep a small digital recorder on your person when you interact with such people. To keep track of what you say versus how they may respond to you.

Learn what not to say, or how to say something that doesn't so easily offend NTs. A basic issue for so many of us on the spectrum. When we walk away in a daze over a social interaction that went terribly wrong. Always wondering what happened and why. When for so many of us we are unable to decipher what may have gone wrong in real time.

 

[Aspychata]

Thanks @Neonatal RRT , l didn't know it was referred as FUD. I just classified it as gaslight, which is so common these days in the workplace. Groups of people or cliques that gang-up on unsuspecting others and try to get you to quit. Because you aren't part of the clique taking advantage of the company or others. Getting tired of the work ethic l constantly ran into. There is the hard-working honest employee, or there is the other type who is out to get over. Then you start to realize this is people in general. And you are wise to pick friends very carefully because you truly don't know their motivation.

 

[VictorR]

It sounds like for better or for worse that you're a persona non grata.

As hard as it may be, especially if you don't have other connections, it's best that you step away as otherwise you're likely going to get hurt.

If there's anyone in the group that you get along with on a personal level okay, you may wish to see if you could continue a one-on-one connection with them, though this can get messy if they interact closely with the group (i.e. other group members may pressure them to disassociate from you).

 

[Aspychata]

@VictorR You are always a persona non grata if you don't belong to a clique especially in rural parts of America. In Florida, l have really encounter bad cliques of people with horrible ethics. It's very disheartening. It has made step back, and distrust everybody here. It's very discouraging. I am somebody, l don't care who people think l am. I know l am a person who doesn't need to join a clique of people. I don't need a clique of people to feel like l fit in. Groups of people usually end up being people you shouldn't trust, hence the name gang. I have seen gangs of people working together in many places here. I don't take it personally if somebody doesn't like me at all. It just means to me that you are unable to manipulate me. Everywhere l go now, l see groups of people, or it's just that they were always there, l just never picked up on it.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Why do you think they want to damage me to begin with? Why do you feel like they have to take that step?

Plain and simple. They don't want you in their social group.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I had limited experience with cliques except to avoid belonging to one. But I had a great experience with the Chicago outings group of the Sierra Club. I was welcomed, started contributing, led trips, and made friends with people where we have been together for 40 years.

 

[Tom]

Why do you think they want to damage me to begin with? Why do you feel like they have to take that step?

Don't mean to be rude, but realistically If you, who are there don't know, how in the world are we supposed to?

 

[Aspychata]

People have always been unfriendly to outsiders, especially in smaller areas. Quite common. Minnesota has this reputation of being very difficult to make friends with the local people. I found areas in Minnesota that people were quite friendly, and other areas were people weren't nice. I think it's best to not overthink it. Sorry that people spoke badly of you. You sorta just have to find new places to hangout. Is this a smaller town?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

People have always been unfriendly to outsiders, especially in smaller areas. Quite common. Minnesota has this reputation of being very difficult to make friends with the local people. I found areas in Minnesota that people were quite friendly, and other areas were people weren't nice. I think it's best to not overthink it. Sorry that people spoke badly of you. You sorta just have to find new places to hangout. Is this a smaller town?

Around me, if you are breathing and halfway intelligent you are going to be roped into contributing, making new friends in the process. Whether the Bike Club, the Ski Club, civic responsibilities like elections or the Planning Commission, in my small township helping out is a given. We had just moved into our house more than a decade ago and we were roped into being on the board of Ski and Spree and handling the wine for our winter weekly events (there was a lot of spreeing going on after XC-skiing.) I don't believe my luck running into pretty good people. In another month one of the Evans Brothers who run a big orchard will bring a mess of heirloom and new apples like Northern Spies and SweeTango to the Planning Commission. I really load up on those tasty delights. This next weekend my spouse and I will be helping out as my community hosts an Ironman Triathlon.

Anymore I believe that people when they are secure in their shelter, food, and health, are basically good people. We need to help those that are not secure.

 

[Aspychata]

Yes, l totally agree. I think l was able to help my neighbor, a senior citizen keep her place. She is working a job thru a referral l gave her. I was able to convince her to talk with someone who now will do her roof on installment plan, we spoke to our manager to reassure her. It feels good to get thru the hard part. I was so worried, l didn't want her to lose out.

 

[Storm Hess]

I'm 56 years old...one thing I know, people that hang out in bars aren't looking to do you any favours. Believe me...I've worked in one and hung out plenty in them when I was in a band. Most bar-related "friends" are toxic. Remove yourself from it...just my opinion.