Samantha mcbay
Active Member
So my friend bless her soul has a little boy with autism and she's been going through the process with her son for a long time and I've been struggling a lot with trying to be apart of social groups and fitting in with people and just finding it extremely hard, and overwhelming.
I am 32 years old and I have always struggled with it but I had just given up on being a part of society, but this last 2 years I've been trying but I'm really struggling and she's said I should check out aspergers because a lot my traits are very much like aspergers.
When i was younger i struggle with a lot of anger i couldn't control. It got pretty really bad and i knew if i didn't do something I'd kill someone so i used to go 10km everyday or until i was so exhausted that I'd drop to get rid of the anger. I am not good at any sports and I don't have very good co-ordination or rhythm but I could run and I loved it.
i could get out all my bottled up emotions and focus on where i was going. Sometimes i want so bad to cry but dont know how to. Everything just stay bottled up until i explode.
I struggled in school because I couldn't be apart of anything or make friends or keep friends. In fact my anxiety would get so bad I'd get uncontrollable tremors and I struggled to speak at all. i usually rub my hands together, play with my fingers or fidget to try control the tremors and the anxiety. I've been like that my whole. I didn't know what was wrong with me and i just gave up.
I can't deal with groups of people or people I don't know very well. I just shut down, or I want to get away and cry, or i quite litteraly hide away, or cling to someone i feel safe with. I don't like or feel comfortable with physical contact at all. No hugging, touching or hand holding. Hate it. I want people in my life, i want friendships and to be understood but struggle with being around people. I struggle to look at people when they're talking because it makes me feel dizzy and weired. I have to keep looking away and i worry people think I'm not listening or that I'm not interested in what their saying.
I struggle with the emotions of others and i never know what to do with it. It's isn't that i can't empathize with them I just don't know how to handle it. I'm usually very sensitive to body language and facial expressions so i know when something isnt right but i usually don't know why or what it means and quite often misinterpreted negative reactions. But i also struggle to hide my own thoughts because they come out in my facials expressions with out me realising it.
I'm Australian, I've been in Australia my whole life, and my family are Australian but i have an Canadian accent. I have no idea why, except that I seem to pick up accents easily or mimic accents with out realizing I'm doing it.
The only talent i have is drawing which i use to take my mind away from my anxiety in stressful situations. Though i draw a lot I'm not very good creating or being creative I merely replicate what i see. I'm very good at seeing small details that most people seem to miss but I also over complicate litterally everything.
I've come from an abusive background so i don't know if my behaviors are just due to childhood trauma, a way I've learnt to cope with it or if something else is going on. I also suffer with asthma, supraventricular tachycardia, and quite frequently migraines.
I used to just think i was just very shy but I'm beginning to think my friend is right. At first I hated the idea that i could have aspergers because that meant this would be forever and I'll never be rid of it but now I would just like to understand myself why i am who i am. And maybe then be able to help myself cope, and also it would help people around me understand me.
Aspergers isn't the worst thing that could happen to me, the worst thing that could happen to me is going through my whole life like this and not knowing or understanding why.
I am 32 years old and I have always struggled with it but I had just given up on being a part of society, but this last 2 years I've been trying but I'm really struggling and she's said I should check out aspergers because a lot my traits are very much like aspergers.
When i was younger i struggle with a lot of anger i couldn't control. It got pretty really bad and i knew if i didn't do something I'd kill someone so i used to go 10km everyday or until i was so exhausted that I'd drop to get rid of the anger. I am not good at any sports and I don't have very good co-ordination or rhythm but I could run and I loved it.
i could get out all my bottled up emotions and focus on where i was going. Sometimes i want so bad to cry but dont know how to. Everything just stay bottled up until i explode.
I struggled in school because I couldn't be apart of anything or make friends or keep friends. In fact my anxiety would get so bad I'd get uncontrollable tremors and I struggled to speak at all. i usually rub my hands together, play with my fingers or fidget to try control the tremors and the anxiety. I've been like that my whole. I didn't know what was wrong with me and i just gave up.
I can't deal with groups of people or people I don't know very well. I just shut down, or I want to get away and cry, or i quite litteraly hide away, or cling to someone i feel safe with. I don't like or feel comfortable with physical contact at all. No hugging, touching or hand holding. Hate it. I want people in my life, i want friendships and to be understood but struggle with being around people. I struggle to look at people when they're talking because it makes me feel dizzy and weired. I have to keep looking away and i worry people think I'm not listening or that I'm not interested in what their saying.
I struggle with the emotions of others and i never know what to do with it. It's isn't that i can't empathize with them I just don't know how to handle it. I'm usually very sensitive to body language and facial expressions so i know when something isnt right but i usually don't know why or what it means and quite often misinterpreted negative reactions. But i also struggle to hide my own thoughts because they come out in my facials expressions with out me realising it.
I'm Australian, I've been in Australia my whole life, and my family are Australian but i have an Canadian accent. I have no idea why, except that I seem to pick up accents easily or mimic accents with out realizing I'm doing it.
The only talent i have is drawing which i use to take my mind away from my anxiety in stressful situations. Though i draw a lot I'm not very good creating or being creative I merely replicate what i see. I'm very good at seeing small details that most people seem to miss but I also over complicate litterally everything.
I've come from an abusive background so i don't know if my behaviors are just due to childhood trauma, a way I've learnt to cope with it or if something else is going on. I also suffer with asthma, supraventricular tachycardia, and quite frequently migraines.
I used to just think i was just very shy but I'm beginning to think my friend is right. At first I hated the idea that i could have aspergers because that meant this would be forever and I'll never be rid of it but now I would just like to understand myself why i am who i am. And maybe then be able to help myself cope, and also it would help people around me understand me.
Aspergers isn't the worst thing that could happen to me, the worst thing that could happen to me is going through my whole life like this and not knowing or understanding why.
