Processing the Death of a Family Member

[Moviefan2k4]

Hey, everybody.

My mother passed away on March 24th, and things have been really tough for me overall. I've had lots of support from semi-close friends and some extended family, but I still feel trapped in an emotional nightmare, desperate to wake up. The days often feel depressing, and I'm not sure what to say, do, or think. I was very close to my Mom, and with my Dad mostly out of the picture, I'm having trouble working through my own emotions, much less conveying that struggle to others. Sometimes I want to scream, but my main way of coping has been sleeping when the inner chaos gets too intense.

I'm not sure what else to say right now, but I'll try to keep this thread updated. How many of you have suffered the loss of a close relative, and what have you done to cope?

 

[tachyon]

Moviefan

I can't really tell you how to deal with your loss, but perhaps it might help if I relate the story of my last conversation with my mother nearly 30 years ago.

She was in the last week of her life & I was visiting from the other side of the country. I was alone with her, holding her hand and she was on morphine, but still very aware and we talked about many things that I remembered doing with her when I was very young. She knew I had a flight booked to return that afternoon, but when I said to her that I didn't want go back, and wanted to stay with her, her response was a very firm NO! "You have a young family to support and your responsibility is to care for them. You must go". Leaving that room was undoubtedly the hardest thing I have ever done and I just had to turn and look at her one last time when I got to the doorway. Fortunately she had closed her eyes (I suspect it might have been deliberate) or I never would have been able to walk away.

As a parent of 30 year old children myself now, I, like my mother back then understand that my children will grieve my passing, but I do not want to see them suffer too much from it - they have the rest of their lives to live.

Stay strong.

P.S. I think my mother was almost certainly an aspie and where I inherited it from

PPS - it took me a long time to write this.

 

[watersprite]

I gave tachyon's words a star, because that is the essence of truth well written. I want to add a bit from my life, in the hopes it helps you moviefan2k4. I lost my partner a long time ago, and I think I did something wrong while in the deepest dark days. I let the darkness be too much of a reality, and ended up identifying (I think that is the word) too closely with Loss.
So, I would encourage you to believe in and go toward potential peace and even happiness. Now, years later, I'm a mom& have told my 2 kiddos that after I die, I'll be leaving my love with them. So, let the sad part go after a reasonable grieving time and get busy with your interests again. Be well.

 

[Moviefan2k4]

My last moments with my Mom were very painful, but I also felt grateful for the family and friends who showed up at the hospital. She'd had lung cancer, but no one knew about it since she hadn't had her lungs checked. Her total stay was 16 days, and I went up there maybe four times in total. She was on a ventilator, knocked out with drugs. The doctors had been suggesting we remove it for several days, and kept asking about a "do not resuscitate" order as well. Frankly, it was pissing me off. I didn't want to lose her, but I also didn't want her to be a vegetable...and we couldn't afford to keep her in there forever. I spoke to my Mom's sister, who suggested my real fear was trusting God with my Mom's life. After thinking it over, we went back the next day, and I consented to the removal. Staying there for it would've been too much for me, so instead, I spent a few moments alone in Mom's room, telling her I loved her and I was sorry for not being strong enough. I left the room, spoke with my sister, then went down to the hospital's first floor while everyone else was upstairs. About 45 minutes later, I got a text from my sister, saying "Mom's dancing with Jesus now". In that moment, staring out a window at a fountain...I wanted to cry, but couldn't make myself. A friend drove me home by myself, and I broke down then.

Its so hard for me to believe, that its been almost 2 months. I still feel so horrible for the choice I had to make; the first few days had me thinking I was a murderer. Now, each day is different, but the emptiness is still there. I don't know what all of you believe, but I follow Jesus as the risen Christ. If you do as well, please pray for me; thanks.

 

[garnetflower13]

Sorry for your loss! I lost my parents within a year of each other; it's going on six years now. Grieving is a very individual process, but believe me when I say that it will happen as it will and there isn't much you can do to speed it up. In my mother's case, I did most of my mourning when she was first diagnosed with cancer in '05; I cried for a solid week. When she passed away four years later, I cried on and off for a day or two but basically felt accepting. I was glad that she wasn't suffering anymore, and that was the main thing. Sometimes I have healing dreams about her, and I feel happy knowing that she is at peace. I hope the same healing occurs for you!

 

[AsheSkyler]

Closest relative I have lost to date was a great-grandparent and my husband's grandma. I cannot relate to losing a parent. All I know to say is to cry to your heart's content, reflect fondly on the good times, and maybe get a little sunshine, fresh air, or a pet to ease the loneliness.

 

[tachyon]

Staying there for it would've been too much for me, so instead, I spent a few moments alone in Mom's room, telling her I loved her and I was sorry for not being strong enough.

I'm sure those moments with her were very important for your mother as well as you - treasure them, and by revisiting them from time-to-time she will stay with you.

Sometimes as an adult we must make difficult decisions. I would be very accepting of either of my sons making a decision on my behalf and sincerely hope that after assessing the situation, they would be 'strong enough' to make the decision that you made.

 

[Moviefan2k4]

Well, she was doped up on drugs, so I don't even know if she heard me. The only time I heard her breathe was when the machine pump hissed; she never moved or said anything.

 

[watersprite]

That, above, is a reality, but it is not the most important one in your memory. When you think of her, allow and encourage - for a minute or several minutes - other, more positive memories to gently displace that one.

 

[Judge]

Being the trustee of my mother's estate helped keep me focused in other things. To the point of it becoming nearly a full-time job. Feeling an obligation to execute her last wishes and deliver to my brother his share of the estate. It became literally a "mission" to complete.

However otherwise I'd have to admit to taking the loss of my mother very hard. I never really have gotten over it and probably never will. My orbit was so small, and I came to the conclusion that no one is ever likely to care about me so unconditionally as did my Mom. Losing my little dog, then the following year my mother too may on some level have been too much for me.

If anything accept that we all handle grief on our own terms, whatever they may be. Take care.

 

[On the Inside]

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, and wish you the peace needed to forgive yourself and begin to celebrate your mother's life.

I had to be part of the decision to remove life support from my dear uncle a couple of years ago. He was single with no children, so my other uncle, my sister and I made the decision. He had had a major brain injury and had been unresponsive for several days. My sister and I stayed with him as he took his last breaths. For me it was a very peaceful moment and I was grateful to have been there and share it with my sister. I guess by that time I had come to understand and be at peace with the fact of dying. I lost both of my parents when I was a young adult.

My dad died when I was 18, in my first 3 weeks of college. We had a strained relationship, I had been afraid of him when I was a kid, and the only time that I really enjoyed spending time with him was when we went fishing or bowling. That is when he was most relaxed. The day he died, I was leaving for work in the afternoon, he was the only one home. I said "see you later" and he just replied "yeah". He collapsed a few hours later of a massive heart attack while bowling, and was never revived. I was the last of our family to see him alive. Because of our strained relationship, I never really grieved his passing, and long felt the guilt of being almost relieved he was no longer around, he kind of made life hell for my mom. Decades later, I really wish I could have had him around as I became an adult.

My mom died eight years later of cancer. I was glad that she had some time to live life on her own terms, but sure wish she had been able to be around longer. I was with her when she died, peacefully, her last words to me were "be happy in your life". It was late at night in the middle of a cold January. I walked home, since I lived just a few blocks away from the hospital, in a strange state of deep sadness and a lightness that I later felt as joy.

What helps the most is talking it out (or writing it, in this case). Feel the sadness and try to let go of feeling bad about the decision to let her go. I feel it really is the best choice, but it is hard.

This is a good bunch of people here, thanks for sharing your story.

PS: I think my mom and my uncle (her brother) were likely on the spectrum.

 

[Moviefan2k4]

My mother's last coherent words to me were a promise that she'd keep fighting for her life. She'd originally decided to accept the DNR stance from the doctors, before her second biopsy resulted in the ventilator. She was conscious, awake, and breathing mostly on her own with an oxygen tank. I spoke with her, saying I didn't ask people to pray like crazy so she could give up. When it came time for her second biopsy, she brought me close, and said, "Tell them I want to live." I was so happy, thinking she'd come out of it. But after that second procedure, her health dropped like a rock. My sister and I both suspected the doctors may have punctured one of the nodules on her lungs, resulting in a massive cancer spread...but we can't prove it. Of all the emotions that flooded through me when she died, the two most powerful were fear and hate. I was overwhelmed by emotional, mental, and spiritual conflict. Even now, I'd give almost anything to have her back...but at the same time, I hope she's happy with Jesus in heaven.