Providing a reference when I don't want to

[Diagnosed2015]

I'm aware, at least since my diagnosis, that I'm a stickler or rules and structure. In fact, I've created and written Standard Operating Procedures from different business situations. And, of course, being human, I expect everyone to follow the rules (until I want to break one or two).

I have a very close friend (NT) that I've known since grade school. She is, what I consider to be "high maintenance." She has a lot of physical and mental health issues which she has self-diagnosed, and has delusions of paranoia and she's been evicted from her last two apartments, because she is a nuisance. One place she lived for 12 years, the other for 2.

Apparently, she's using ME as a reference, because she doesn't want people to talk to her last landlords. She and I lived together for 6 months, 35 YEARS ago, and it didn't end well. She stayed with me for 5 days a few years ago, and it took me two years to get "rid" of stuff she had done or moved.

I don't want to lie, but I don't want to be the one slandering her, either. I have decided to say (If, in fact, anyone is considering renting to her) that we lived together 35 years ago, and I'd suggest they speak to her last two landlords for more details.

It's taken me months to come up with that response, which has not yet been requested. Is there a better way to do that?

 

[qwerty]

I'm aware, at least since my diagnosis, that I'm a stickler or rules and structure. In fact, I've created and written Standard Operating Procedures from different business situations. And, of course, being human, I expect everyone to follow the rules (until I want to break one or two).

I have a very close friend (NT) that I've known since grade school. She is, what I consider to be "high maintenance." She has a lot of physical and mental health issues which she has self-diagnosed, and has delusions of paranoia and she's been evicted from her last two apartments, because she is a nuisance. One place she lived for 12 years, the other for 2.

Apparently, she's using ME as a reference, because she doesn't want people to talk to her last landlords. She and I lived together for 6 months, 35 YEARS ago, and it didn't end well. She stayed with me for 5 days a few years ago, and it took me two years to get "rid" of stuff she had done or moved.

I don't want to lie, but I don't want to be the one slandering her, either. I have decided to say (If, in fact, anyone is considering renting to her) that we lived together 35 years ago, and I'd suggest they speak to her last two landlords for more details.

It's taken me months to come up with that response, which has not yet been requested. Is there a better way to do that?

i would not do that without telling her first, not if you want to remain very close friends.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

i would not do that without telling her first, not if you want to remain very close friends.

She didn't ask me before using me as a reference, and I'm hoping not to be put in the situation altogether. I can tell them she paid the rent 35 years ago, at least as far as I can remember, that's true.

 

[qwerty]

She didn't ask me before using me as a reference, and I'm hoping not to be put in the situation altogether. I can tell them she paid the rent 35 years ago, at least as far as I can remember, that's true.

then if i was you, i would put that 35 years ago
she always paid the rent on time and some kind
words. the landlords will then notice that her
last reference is 35 years old and will realise that
is suspicious to say the least, so you can still be
kind to your friend and also keep your principals.

 

[Tom]

Be brave. Don't answer the phone when you don't recognize the number if you have caller ID. Or only call back known people using an answering machine.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

then if i was you, i would put that 35 years ago
she always paid the rent on time and some kind
words. the landlords will then notice that her
last reference is 35 years old and will realise that
is suspicious to say the least, so you can still be
kind to your friend and also keep your principals.

Thank you. I suppose I could say that we were roommates 35 years ago and don't recall any problems at the time. I appreciate your input.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

Be brave. Don't answer the phone when you don't recognize the number if you have caller ID. Or only call back known people using an answering machine.

Hah! I've already done that. If they aren't in my contacts, they can only leave a voice mail or text, but I won't hear the call.

 

[SingaSong]

I'm aware, at least since my diagnosis, that I'm a stickler or rules and structure. In fact, I've created and written Standard Operating Procedures from different business situations. And, of course, being human, I expect everyone to follow the rules (until I want to break one or two).

I have a very close friend (NT) that I've known since grade school. She is, what I consider to be "high maintenance." She has a lot of physical and mental health issues which she has self-diagnosed, and has delusions of paranoia and she's been evicted from her last two apartments, because she is a nuisance. One place she lived for 12 years, the other for 2.

Apparently, she's using ME as a reference, because she doesn't want people to talk to her last landlords. She and I lived together for 6 months, 35 YEARS ago, and it didn't end well. She stayed with me for 5 days a few years ago, and it took me two years to get "rid" of stuff she had done or moved.

I don't want to lie, but I don't want to be the one slandering her, either. I have decided to say (If, in fact, anyone is considering renting to her) that we lived together 35 years ago, and I'd suggest they speak to her last two landlords for more details.

It's taken me months to come up with that response, which has not yet been requested. Is there a better way to do that?

I think you have every right to say to your friend that you don't feel comfortable and don't want her to put down your name as a reference. If you don't want to do that I would suggest in a reference just stating that you were this person's room mate 35 years ago. You could say that you have never been her landlord. I wouldn't suggest what the agent should do (to talk to other landlords). You should tell your friend that this is what you are going to say and does she still want to put you down as a reference.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

I think you have every right to say to your friend that you don't feel comfortable and don't want her to put down your name as a reference. If you don't want to do that I would suggest in a reference just stating that you were this person's room mate 35 years ago. You could say that you have never been her landlord. I wouldn't suggest what the agent should do (to talk to other landlords). You should tell your friend that this is what you are going to say and does she still want to put you down as a reference.

Thank you. I think I'm pretty sure by now if someone was going to call, they would have done it already. I also think if I explained that we were roommates 35 years ago, it might give them a "silent" heads up -- as in, what's she been doing for the past 35 years, and why doesn't she have newer references.