Pushing Through The Social Barriers

[Graelwyn]

About 6 weeks ago, I decided it was time that I tried to get something of a social life. I am not getting any younger, and had become tired of the years and years of isolating myself and hiding away in my flat, glued to my laptop and not really living my life. I am one of those aspies who always desired some sort of interaction with others, to form friendship, but for whom it just never seemed to happen. I did not and do not know the rules and I would either come on too strong, or remain so detached as to be viewed as not being quite human.

So... I joined a local meetup group and threw myself in at the deep end, with my initial outing being a new members gathering of 53 people. :O That was challenging, to say the least. Lot of noise, people standing and sitting all around me, many already having met one another, many in work, with families etc. But, I did it. Granted, I remained sat in pretty much the same spot the entire evening, but I did manage to stay and talk a bit.

Since then, I have been to a weekly quiz night, a few cafe gatherings, a cinema trip and tonight... a Toyah Wilcox gig at a crowded pub/venue. It was hard. The rest in my group just seemed to be so friendly, huggy, chatty, uninhibited and even the other lady with Aspergers had no problem with dancing to the music, and engaging with the others. In fact, I would never have known she had AS had she not told me. I just stood, arms by my side, unable to bring myself to dance, laugh, be silly or anything. But, I did do it, I did stay, I did my best, I even jumped up and down a bit when everyone else did, and made a few jokes.

It is my hope, that with time, I might be able to push through some of these social barriers I have, partly due to social anxiety. I am booked for several Christmas meals with this group and next year, a music festival involving thousands of people. I decided that at almost 40, it was time to get out there because the Aspergers is not going to go anywhere, but the years of my life will, as will the experiences I am missing out on through my social difficulties and my fears of rejection.

So, my advice to others who might, like me, at times feel they are missing out on things, but are fearful they will not cope or will be rejected... is to just give it a try. Obviously, there are plenty of aspies who are quite content in their solitude, with their special interests and their own worlds. But I am sure there are others, like me, who have had times where they have wanted desperately to be a part of things that non aspies seem to so easily engage in.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Aye. There's a lot of fun to be had!

I had a few group I associated with for about a year or so each. I could pass off pretty well as normal. Er, mostly normal. Always looked like I was up to something and my viewpoints tended to not be considered that common. There'd always be a problem I couldn't reconcile eventually, so I'd just slip away and let them think we'd ended on good terms.

 

[Graelwyn]

Aye. There's a lot of fun to be had!

I had a few group I associated with for about a year or so each. I could pass off pretty well as normal. Er, mostly normal. Always looked like I was up to something and my viewpoints tended to not be considered that common. There'd always be a problem I couldn't reconcile eventually, so I'd just slip away and let them think we'd ended on good terms.

I cannot pass as normal, not remotely, lol, but those running the group are aware of my Aspergers and one of them has worked, I believe, with teens on the spectrum, and another of those co-organising has sons with Aspergers. I am hoping to stay the distance, but I cannot deny it is very challenging and several times already I have had the impulse to simply disappear from an event and go home, and cancel others I have signed up for, mostly due to my certainty that I will never fit in.

 

[Cali Cat]

... I joined a local meetup group and threw myself in at the deep end, with my initial outing being a new members gathering of 53 people. :O That was challenging, to say the least. Lot of noise, people standing and sitting all around me, many already having met one another, many in work, with families etc. But, I did it. Granted, I remained sat in pretty much the same spot the entire evening, but I did manage to stay and talk a bit ...

That sounds like pretty much the experience I've had at every large gathering I've ever attended. It never got any better for me, unless I was under the influence of alcohol that is. Even when I know certain people at a gathering, I don't feel I can just hang on them for support. So, they end up mingling, and I end up sitting in a corner somewhere, or outside making somewhat awkward conversation with other smokers.

Even though I've pretty much gotten the human interaction need out of my system, I think it's important that everyone experience it. It is what life is all about ... at least for non-Aspies. So, I salute you for being able to stay the course. I know it's not easy. Do you feel particularly drained after these events? Do they energize you in any way?

 

[Cali Cat]

... my viewpoints tended to not be considered that common. There'd always be a problem I couldn't reconcile eventually, so I'd just slip away and let them think we'd ended on good terms.

I relate to that experience too. I've had this problem in subject-focused groups such as book clubs, prayer meetings, etc. I normally try to keep my opinions to myself in those situations, but inevitably I let something slip. Everybody looks at me cross-eyed. Then I realize my days with the group are numbered at that point.

 

[Graelwyn]

That sounds like pretty much the experience I've had at every large gathering I've ever attended. It never got any better for me, unless I was under the influence of alcohol that is. Even when I know certain people at a gathering, I don't feel I can just hang on them for support. So, they end up mingling, and I end up sitting in a corner somewhere, or outside making somewhat awkward conversation with other smokers.

Even though I've pretty much gotten the human interaction need out of my system, I think it's important that everyone experience it. It is what life is all about ... at least for non-Aspies. So, I salute you for being able to stay the course. I know it's not easy. Do you feel particularly drained after these events? Do they energize you in any way?

I must admit, I came home very drained tonight as being in a crowded, unfamiliar, noisy place, with lots of strangers around me was incredibly overwhelming, and I don't think those running the group are aware of my need for, well, keeping close to someone more familiar as a sort of protection, yet and I certainly would not dare bring it up. I sometimes have eruptions when I get home after these events too. But I do enjoy the smaller gatherings and I am not the only one in the group with various issues. I had been reclusive for the best part of 10 years, aside from a few boyfriends, but I always had a sense of wanting to build some sort of circle, a support network I suppose. And I got tired of doing things alone all the time, like going to see a film. Because I live alone, and do not live near my family, well, that much isolation is very unhealthy for me mentally I have found. I am hoping that at least a few in this group, will come to understand me and maybe become friends in time. I was not always so introverted and socially anxious.

 

[Cali Cat]

I must admit, I came home very drained tonight as being in a crowded, unfamiliar, noisy place, with lots of strangers around me was incredibly overwhelming ... but I always had a sense of wanting to build some sort of circle ... I was not always so introverted and socially anxious.

Yes, social gatherings drain me to no end. The older I get, the less able I am to tolerate them for very long. I'm sure I'll be a complete recluse in my old age.

For many years when I was young, I desired to have a social circle. I finally achieved it in my early thirties. We were an odd bunch of people who I now realize were (are) on the spectrum, except for my best friend's girlfriend, who is straight up NT. Our friendship lasted about three years and was basically centered around drinking alcohol. We were mostly into microbrewery beers, and we went out to different bars that served specialty-crafted beer. We even made our own beer. It was a great time in my life. My best friend once told me I was glue that held our little band of misfits together. I must admit his comment thrilled me because I felt I'd finally achieved a certain popularity. I was the "Queen Bee" of my little hive.

It is a nice feeling when you finally fall in with the right people. Sadly, you can never manufacture such relationships. They just happen out of nowhere. You're getting yourself out there though, and that's the first step. I hope you find yourself a good circle of friends that will sustain you.

 

[The Penguin]

When I was living in Toronto I keep to my self for a few years. Then I joined a social anxiety group. After that I joined movie, board games and other groups and had fun. But since I moved to Nova Scotia I find it hard to enjoy myself with the locals. The only people I had enjoyed myself with is people from out of province. The person I wrote about a few days ago from my class is thinking of starting an Asperges support group, she from Alberta. Maybe after the group starts maybe I finally meet decent local people.

 

[Spiller]

Do you feel particularly drained after these events? Do they energize you in any way?

I've been trying to get out and find people and groups to join for about four years now, no lasting connections yet, can't seem to manage that, but I do get an energetic buzz when I feel I've connected with someone - it's only ever one or two people, even in a group.. I can't seem to focus on many people at the same time.
I always find that being around people makes me feel so much better, even if it is a strain.. to me it's like being incredibly thirsty and finally getting a long glass of milk.
There seems to be a growing body of research on the health benefits of socialising:
What Social Wellness Is | Social Wellness

 

[apsie]

I'm glad some are finding it possible to socialise, even if only a little.
I've been trying for a long time but I just can't connect to anyone I've met to this day.
I like some people, the ones that are considerate without looking down on me.
However everyone seems to be full of illogicalities, which they base they're morals on.

Its my biggest problem.
People don't accept truth, even if its staring them in the face.
I can't handle that so I close off myself to them.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I relate to that experience too. I've had this problem in subject-focused groups such as book clubs, prayer meetings, etc. I normally try to keep my opinions to myself in those situations, but inevitably I let something slip. Everybody looks at me cross-eyed. Then I realize my days with the group are numbered at that point.

I remember when my Sunday School class officially told me I wasn't allowed to join in group discussions anymore. They were serious, they wouldn't let me comment like everybody else! I can't help it, I was raised in church and I've heard the same rhetorical questions my whole life, so after twenty years of it I got bored and creative. So if somebody asks me what's the best way to keep the devil from getting your mind, I don't give the standard answer of "read the Bible and pray 24/7", I say "Become a zombie! Zombies have no brains and therefor no minds for Satan to snatch." There's so much Biblical theory and history I'd love to explore, but getting people away from the same handful of basic and rhetorical questions is hard, and they don't appreciate it when I stop hiding how bored I am.

 

[Persevero]

I'm glad you wrote this, I've been through some difficulties of a similar nature and I needed a reminder to keep trying. Best of luck.

 

[Cali Cat]

People don't accept truth, even if its staring them in the face.

I remember when my Sunday School class officially told me I wasn't allowed to join in group discussions anymore. They were serious, they wouldn't let me comment like everybody else! I can't help it, I was raised in church and I've heard the same rhetorical questions my whole life, so after twenty years of it I got bored and creative. So if somebody asks me what's the best way to keep the devil from getting your mind, I don't give the standard answer of "read the Bible and pray 24/7", I say "Become a zombie! Zombies have no brains and therefor no minds for Satan to snatch." There's so much Biblical theory and history I'd love to explore, but getting people away from the same handful of basic and rhetorical questions is hard, and they don't appreciate it when I stop hiding how bored I am.

That's the problem with many people. They're brain dead. They don't want to think out a problem or even discuss it. They want to take the simplest answer even if it makes no sense, and even if they really don't understand that answer fully. IMO, it's like Aspie quoted above: They don't see truth. I can't say it's their fault necessarily. They just don't have the brain power to analyze the data. I think a good companion to the Bible is a copy of Plato's Republic. At least it provides a format where by one (or a group) can work through difficult theological problems.

 

[Graelwyn]

One thing I find incredibly difficult to deal with in groups, is gossip about other people. It always seems to happen and it is just not in my nature to do that sort of thing.

 

[Cali Cat]

I find gossip very tiresome. From what I've read, it seems many Aspies don't like it. I assume it must go against our basically honest and open nature to talk behind the backs of others.

 

[James77]

Graelwyn can I ask what the name of the group you go is called. Because if there's a similar group in/near Welwyn Garden City I'm going to go, meet people and maybe make a few friends.

 

[Graelwyn]

Graelwyn can I ask what the name of the group you go is called. Because if there's a similar group in/near Welwyn Garden City I'm going to go, meet people and maybe make a few friends.

Oh, it is meetup.com and is an over 40s group, though I am not yet 40 myself. They do all sorts, from quiz nights to winter walks, to cafe chats to cinema to music gigs to horse racing, to cruises and carol concerts. Quite a variety of events really. Bingo is our next one, lol.