Question about social skills and social-emotional reciprocity

[Oz67]

I started to understand social cues, but I lack social-emotional reciprocity to a mild degree.

Are there any tips to improve my social-emotional reciprocity?

Is social-emotional reciprocity a social skill as well?

 

[tree]

What would you be able to do if your social-emotional reciprocity
were improved? How would you behave differently? Can you give
an example of a situation in which you felt you were lacking in
this area?

 

[Oz67]

What would you be able to do if your social-emotional reciprocity
were improved? How would you behave differently? Can you give
an example of a situation in which you felt you were lacking in
this area?

I did learn some dark psychology and psychopathic traits, like charming and manipulating others and pathological deception and seducing women to like me, but this is a bad influence on my mental health issues.

 

[tree]

OK.
That's the negative stuff.

What would you be able to do if your social-emotional reciprocity were improved?
How would you behave differently?

You want to achieve authenticity?

 

[Oz67]

OK.
That's the negative stuff.

What would you be able to do if your social-emotional reciprocity were improved?
How would you behave differently?

You want to achieve authenticity?

I have a history of Conduct Disorder Unspecified, I am sorry

I would be interested in football, and playing card games with them instead of focusing too much on my phone or computer as my special interests.

 

[tree]

So you're saying you want to hang out with people
and do some shared activities?

 

[Oz67]

So you're saying you want to hang out with people
and do some shared activities?

Yes, by being more positive and friendly.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I started to understand social cues, but I lack social-emotional reciprocity to a mild degree.

Are there any tips to improve my social-emotional reciprocity?

Is social-emotional reciprocity a social skill as well?

That reciprocity is a skill in honestly being interested in the other person. Probably more of a mindset, which I needed to train myself into as I worked to meet my social goals.

 

[Oz67]

That reciprocity is a skill in honestly being interested in the other person. Probably more of a mindset, which I needed to train myself into as I worked to meet my social goals.

It makes sense.

 

[marc_101]

@Oz67

Yes, there are many ways to improve reciprocity.

1. As @Gerald Wilgus said, it does start with being interested in the other person. What would you like to know about the other person?
2. Ask questions about their life, their day. Be curious.
3. Listen, smile, try to look at them in the eyes.
4. Careful with talking too much in a one-way conversation about something you want to talk without considering what the other person wants. I think this is the most difficult one. It requires being able to think from the perspective of another person.
5. Notice if the other person changes subject. You can follow their conversation.
6. Make jokes. Also a hard one.
7. The emotional part is hard, too. You need to be able to notice their emotions and yours and show that you acknowledge them. In my opinion, with ASD, there are problems expressing emotional empathy. It's not that we don't feel things. There could be problems recognizing emotions, too. But we are not psychopaths who can't feel fear or other emotions like shame or guilt.

I think you have decent skills. You reply to posts, you see other people's point of view. At the end, it's just that - a skill like any other that for some of us requires a lot of practice, and sometimes there is not much interest in practicing.

You notice reciprocity issues on this forum, too. Many posters have a one-way conversation. It may appear selfish to others -- just postings about their complaints, never answering to other posters or even acknowledging different points of views. Not a lot of jokes in here either.

 

[Seladon]

Igi. Reciprocity can mean different things to ASD and NT people, as well as different things depending on the social styles and 'love languages' of the people with whom you're engaging.

I.e. I highly value social/quality time with people I like, and don't have much interest in the other LLs, but people I like may value other needs that I don't, which creates a blind spot where they feel socially unfulfilled or neglected by me doing nothing for or with them except hanging out.

It's definitely a difficult thing to learn consciously. Sometimes I study and observe my sister's relationships with her longterm friends, because I can't figure out how exactly she keeps people around so long. It seems like she puts a lot of effort into communication and activities and support, perhaps that's all there is to it (and this can be a high demand for ASD people, especially avoidant types).

Also, I've asked my very sociable and popular brother-in-law for pointers before now, and he's recommended that I work on better eye contact (more frequent and extended). He's also suggested I smile more. Though tbh I think these tips aren't always the safest or most reliable for women, sometimes you don't want to be approached, by anyone or by certain people. So I deploy that carefully.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

@marc 101, So right. One barrier that I see that is common is the tendency to socialize using our special interests. I am a Big Brother to an autistic 18 year old boy (ASD-2), even with me his tendency to restrict his socialization to his special interests is pronounced.

 

[Seladon]

You need to be able to notice their emotions and yours and show that you acknowledge them. In my opinion, with ASD, there are problems expressing emotional empathy.

Brilliant tip, I like this.

A similar one I've used successfully is to ask open-ended questions in conversation ("how?" is a good starter word), and sometimes to paraphrase what someone's just said to you back to them as a way to signal that you've heard and received their words. Most people want to be listened to, essentially, unless they're just blindly venting (hi, Dad!)

 

[Oz67]

@Oz67

Yes, there are many ways to improve reciprocity.

1. As @Gerald Wilgus said, it does start with being interested in the other person. What would you like to know about the other person?
2. Ask questions about their life, their day. Be curious.
3. Listen, smile, try to look at them in the eyes.
4. Careful with talking too much in a one-way conversation about something you want to talk without considering what the other person wants. I think this is the most difficult one. It requires being able to think from the perspective of another person.
5. Notice if the other person changes subject. You can follow their conversation.
6. Make jokes. Also a hard one.
7. The emotional part is hard, too. You need to be able to notice their emotions and yours and show that you acknowledge them. In my opinion, with ASD, there are problems expressing emotional empathy. It's not that we don't feel things. There could be problems recognizing emotions, too. But we are not psychopaths who can't feel fear or other emotions like shame or guilt.

I think you have decent skills. You reply to posts, you see other people's point of view. At the end, it's just that - a skill like any other that for some of us requires a lot of practice, and sometimes there is not much interest in practicing.

You notice reciprocity issues on this forum, too. Many posters have a one-way conversation. It may appear selfish to others -- just postings about their complaints, never answering to other posters or even acknowledging different points of views. Not a lot of jokes in here either.

I agree, It's just I feel like an alien, even though I understand social cues, I still have mild commutation delay to some extent.

I hope you know what I mean.

 

[marc_101]

I think so. I understand it in theory, too, but many times I'm not good at it.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Seladon made the important point; ask open-ended questions. These are questions that cannot be answered with a yes or no.

Also, research has shown that people who listen well become well-liked. To show attention, you look at the other person and, at appropriate intervals, give short feedback. It can be as short as uhn-huh or maximum length like, really? I didn’t know that.

 

[Oz67]

Seladon made the important point; ask open-ended questions. These are questions that cannot be answered with a yes or no.

Also, research has shown that people who listen well become well-liked. To show attention, you look at the other person and, at appropriate intervals, give short feedback. It can be as short as uhn-huh or maximum length like, really? I didn’t know that.

I agree, that is more helpful as well

 

[Oz67]

@Oz67

Yes, there are many ways to improve reciprocity.

1. As @Gerald Wilgus said, it does start with being interested in the other person. What would you like to know about the other person?
2. Ask questions about their life, their day. Be curious.
3. Listen, smile, try to look at them in the eyes.
4. Careful with talking too much in a one-way conversation about something you want to talk without considering what the other person wants. I think this is the most difficult one. It requires being able to think from the perspective of another person.
5. Notice if the other person changes subject. You can follow their conversation.
6. Make jokes. Also a hard one.
7. The emotional part is hard, too. You need to be able to notice their emotions and yours and show that you acknowledge them. In my opinion, with ASD, there are problems expressing emotional empathy. It's not that we don't feel things. There could be problems recognizing emotions, too. But we are not psychopaths who can't feel fear or other emotions like shame or guilt.

I think you have decent skills. You reply to posts, you see other people's point of view. At the end, it's just that - a skill like any other that for some of us requires a lot of practice, and sometimes there is not much interest in practicing.

You notice reciprocity issues on this forum, too. Many posters have a one-way conversation. It may appear selfish to others -- just postings about their complaints, never answering to other posters or even acknowledging different points of views. Not a lot of jokes in here either.

I feel a bit Schizoid, but it is actually Autism Spectrum Disorder.