Question for Aspies

[The Lorax]

My son is 16 now. Unless you spend some times with him you can't tell he has autism and anxiety. He is almost a genius and doing well in school. He has friends and the kids at school like him. He is an introvert that wants to be an extrovert and thus isn't social. I get it, autism. Has a core group of online friends. He codes too.

This is just to get a picture.

But I have a question if he will eventually outgrow some of the things he does. I encourage and try to push him to be independent without overloading him. It's really hard because he resists often.

#1 I got him to do his own laundry
He takes his clothes and puts them in the washer, and if he remembers the dryer.

But he almost has a panic attack at putting the soap in the washer and cleaning the lint trap so I have to do it. He doesn't like touching either.

#2 I am trying to get him to make his own food
Something as simple as putting made pasta in a bowl, adding made sauce, microwaving it, and putting cheese sends him into an anxiety attack.
He barely can make sandwiches.

The best he can do is a microwave food and we don't give those to him because I want him to eat right.

#3 he is emotionally sensitive to everything.
My wife and I have to strategize how we talk to him often. We can't even hint at anything that remotely sounds like criticism even if it isn't or he goes into an "I'm sorry" chant and thinks we are yelling at him. Even if I say "I made a mistakes" he does the same thing. We have to constantly reassure him it's ok. Granted this situation doesn't come up often because we trained ourselves to reword how we talk to him. And we aren't even critical of him EVER. We never have said "What did I tell you, don't do that"

The good news is that....
He finally stopped destroying out house in anger and having screaming fits. Neighbor almost called the cops once. We did find out it was one of his meds causing a lot of the physical outbursts. Luckily I tracked the medication and his disposition over time and could see the correlation.

Went from being zero considerate to sometimes considerate, when its convenient for him. And if watching a video we can ask for help.

Not depressed anymore. But he is on an SSRI and mood stabilizer.

He is kind, doesn't get into trouble, does the right thing, food conscious.

My concern is that he might never be a fully functional adult taking charge of his life. Owning his own place. Doing work he loves. Making his own money. From the above he could never live by himself. He barely has the discipline to do his school work. I've researched this but I get too many "well it depends".

Were any of you like this in the teenage years and just aged out of it?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

As a teen, and especially as my peers were developing interest in the opposite sex, I was pretty much isolated as I could not understand social communication. Because I was intelligent people thought me normal. My parents insisted that I learn the fundamentals of living independently, cooking, cleaning, getting around, banking & investing. Isolation hurt and I internalized many negative ideas about myself. Only after living independently at 26 when I had a basic research position did I really learn more than the basics. After that I had to learn social communication and to like who I was, helped by an older hippie couple who were friends and taught me about acceptance and tolerance.

While I had normal inpulses that I repressed as I was ashamed of them and thought that I could only count on myself, I'd recommend social coaching for your son by somebody who knows autism. Such could have made a big difference to my life.

 

[Ken]

My son is 16 now. Unless you spend some times with him you can't tell he has autism and anxiety. He is almost a genius and doing well in school. He has friends and the kids at school like him. He is an introvert that wants to be an extrovert and thus isn't social. I get it, autism. Has a core group of online friends. He codes too.

This is just to get a picture.

But I have a question if he will eventually outgrow some of the things he does. I encourage and try to push him to be independent without overloading him. It's really hard because he resists often.

#1 I got him to do his own laundry
He takes his clothes and puts them in the washer, and if he remembers the dryer.

But he almost has a panic attack at putting the soap in the washer and cleaning the lint trap so I have to do it. He doesn't like touching either.

#2 I am trying to get him to make his own food
Something as simple as putting made pasta in a bowl, adding made sauce, microwaving it, and putting cheese sends him into an anxiety attack.
He barely can make sandwiches.

The best he can do is a microwave food and we don't give those to him because I want him to eat right.

#3 he is emotionally sensitive to everything.
My wife and I have to strategize how we talk to him often. We can't even hint at anything that remotely sounds like criticism even if it isn't or he goes into an "I'm sorry" chant and thinks we are yelling at him. Even if I say "I made a mistakes" he does the same thing. We have to constantly reassure him it's ok. Granted this situation doesn't come up often because we trained ourselves to reword how we talk to him. And we aren't even critical of him EVER. We never have said "What did I tell you, don't do that"

The good news is that....
He finally stopped destroying out house in anger and having screaming fits. Neighbor almost called the cops once. We did find out it was one of his meds causing a lot of the physical outbursts. Luckily I tracked the medication and his disposition over time and could see the correlation.

Went from being zero considerate to sometimes considerate, when its convenient for him. And if watching a video we can ask for help.

Not depressed anymore. But he is on an SSRI and mood stabilizer.

He is kind, doesn't get into trouble, does the right thing, food conscious.

My concern is that he might never be a fully functional adult taking charge of his life. Owning his own place. Doing work he loves. Making his own money. From the above he could never live by himself. He barely has the discipline to do his school work. I've researched this but I get too many "well it depends".

Were any of you like this in the teenage years and just aged out of it?

Yes, I was like that in my teen years - even worse. Most, if not all, of those issues, I still have. I do not consider that I ever"outgrew" anything. I just learned how to better "mask", so everyone thinks I outgrew them. I think a major difference between your son and me is that he has caring parents and he does well in school. School for me was a horror story. I did not do well. My parents were intolerant, abusive and actively unsupportive. Much of my life was do or die.

The world is an immense and complicated place. While that seems daunting, it also makes for a lot of options. Being complicated makes it configurable.

I'm now 71 years old, so obviously I made it. I think the lesson from my life, is that life is hard for autistic's. There is so much we are blind to, and our sensitivities are crippling. However, we are not entirely dumb, we can learn things. We can learn how to force our way through the misery of our sensitivities - and make it look easy. It is not easy, but we can learn to mask our way through life. While it was very hard and often horrifying, I still ended up owning my own place, with work I love, made my own money, ended up independent, and ended up in a happy place. It was all a matter of matching up my sensitivities, emotional sensitivities, social blindness, etc., etc., to the near infinitely configurable complicated world. No, I never had a plan or even a clue. My life turned out that way because throughout life, I kept filtering my environment to fit my autism.

It sounds like your son may have a hard time in life, but everyone has hard times. Autistc's may have considerably harder times, but hard does not equal can't. Just hard. Regardless how hard anything is, it's still possible. I would just suggest a lot of firm patience, unyielding requirements and tolerance to meltdowns. But, don't take that advise too seriously. I'm no expert. Just from my own experiences.

From your description, I think your son has what it takes to end up with a good life. I did it with bad parents! He has a major advantage right there.

 

[Misty Avich]

I was hard work when I was a teenager and in my early 20s. It wasn't until I met me husband, at age 24, was when I started to mellow out, and be more responsible and in control of my emotional reactions. I'm not sure if this is coincidence or not. It might also be because I started taking Sertraline around that time too (a few months before I'd met my husband).

But when I was a teenager and a young adult, I was like a person with bipolar. I could be extremely content, then the next day I could have a massive outburst just because someone in my family said something I didn't want to hear. I'd just flare up, shout, argue, swear, slam doors and cry. The family had to tread on eggshells around me.

The Sertraline helped control my mood more than emotions, which is what I wanted. I still get painfully anxious about things, cry and feel other emotions, but I can regulate my mood a lot better.
When I was younger I suddenly got easily irritated with the other people living in my house but at the same time I didn't want to move out and live alone. I'd suddenly become tired of smiling and being joyful around my family, and would instead get this bad mood suddenly take over and it was difficult to hide it. It was horrible, for me and everyone around me.

I was just one big emotional wreck in adolescence and early adulthood, and I'd rely on structure to keep my mood stable, although even that didn't always work. Nowadays, I've gone the opposite - I do most things spontaneously and don't follow a routine at all any more, except for going to work.

So your son might change with age. Poor emotional stability can be common in teenagers and young adults with or without autism or ADHD, but it's harder when one has these difficulties on top of the normal teenage mood swings and anxiety.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I guess being raised by Dutch parents and on a farm never was any teen-age angst issues. helicopter parenting did not exist my brothers and I were always on bikes out and about older brother even hitched hiked to Woodstock music festival. Gone for three days, not missed.

 

[Outdated]

Were any of you like this in the teenage years and just aged out of it?

It's not always easy.

You have to look at your son from two different angles because at the moment he is two different things:
1) autistic
2) a typical teenager who has learned how to manipulate his parents to get his own way

Both of those things will be going on. You very accurately pointed out that his biggest issue is with emotional stress, that's true for most of us and sensory issues have nowhere near as much impact as emotional issues.

I used to train apprentices so I'm quite familiar with typical teenager psychology, give them any reason to say "it's not my fault" instead of trying to adapt to adulthood and they'll latch on to it. "It's not my fault, nobody gives me a chance because I'm black/gay/ethnic/religious/neurodiverse". I heard that from each and every one of them.

A practical experiment that you could try, and this will probably give you a much needed break as well, my parents used to go away a lot and we were left to fend for ourselves. This started happening in my family when we were much younger than is really appropriate but at 16 your son should be developing some form of independence.

If we didn't cook for ourselves we didn't eat. And we soon got sick of eating rubbish and learnt how to cook properly. I even like making my own pastry. People laugh if they see me doing it because I have sensory issues and I really hate sticky fingers so I'm constantly stopping and washing and drying my hands, but I'm good at it.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My brother eats a can of vegetable soup for lunch daily his wife is constantly travelling. I am very good at experiments similar to cooking still do not like cooking understand the chemistry just not my thing.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I left home at 15 and learned to cope on my own or with friends.

For the last 20 something years I have worked with people with developmental disabilities, including autism. I remember a client who reminds me of your son.

The biggest mistake parents make, in my opinion, is controlling everything the child does. Addressing every mistake. Addressing every perceived need, Wanting him to have the perfect nutritious dinner and he should make it himself.

He will learn to cook something when he is ready to, or he will learn how to buy take away dinners and eat cereal for breakfast. This may be what is right for him.

He doesn't have to do his laundry. He can take it to a laundromat and they will wash and fold all his clothes. Or, he doesn't have to do his laundry perfectly. For laundry soap, what about using the tablets that won't feel "yucky." While cleaning out the lint trap is important, I know lots of adults who don't do it, including my husband.

Try to find work arounds that fit with his sensory and capabilities. Autism is characterized by uneven progress and success in different skills. There is another recent thread here by Grommet. It talks about how autists who are really smart and hold amazing jobs, but can't make a cup of coffee. Really can't do it. Will go outside and walk to a coffee shop rather than use the coffee machine at the office.

By 16, it is time to look for work arounds. I think he will do fine when he is on his own. Try to let him solve his own problems and look for the work arounds instead of making him do it right.

I don't mean to be harsh, but for high functioning autistic children I worked with the biggest barrier to their success was their parents trying to be helpful.

Anyway, it is just my opinion and you can just delete it from your screen and your mind.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

We all have issues mine were physical cannot stand at counter do slightly bent legs get back pain so no cutting vegies doing dishes so got wife dish washer.

 

[Rodafina]

By 16, it is time to look for work arounds. I think he will do fine when he is on his own. Try to let him solve his own problems and look for the work arounds instead of making him do it right.

Definitely agree. Especially for those of us who take criticism hard, we must learn to believe in our own intrinsic worth and even well meaning parents cannot give us this. It must come from taking that leap away from parents (in adolescence) and developing autonomy and confidence in our own selves. @The Lorax, it’s time to allow natural consequences to take over as the guide and teacher.

 

[Midnights11]

It’s a myth that people outgrow autism. I wish, but you don’t and there’s no cure. You just stand and deal with the challenges.

 

[betazoid]

You obviously care about your son a lot and are trying your best to help him and be supportive. That said, it seems like some of your ideas about what's going on and what needs to happen might be a bit off. That's not unusual - most parent's understanding of autism is unfortunately somewhat lacking. Even parents who are themselves autistic. I don't know whether you are or not but of course, being autistic ourselves doesn't mean we understand everything about it, and it certainly doesn't mean we automatically understand how to be perfect parents to autistic children. But there's more opportunity to learn these days than ever before.

Your son isn't lacking "discipline". For example, when you talk about the soap and the lint drawer when doing the laundry, his reaction may be due to sensory issues. He likely finds it so gross that it completely overwhelms his senses - that has absolutely nothing to do with discipline and everything to do with the fact that he is autistic - something he has no control over. If you want him to be able to deal with it better, you're going to have work on your own understanding of autism and sensory issues, and maybe then you can find an approach that may ease some of the pressure and anxiety for him. He could try wearing gloves when doing this particular task. Or he might find gloves even more unbearable to his senses than the soap and lint. Trial and error. It could also be that this is a task best delegated to another. That may not be possible in the future if he finds himself living alone and without support in the home, and I understand that is part of your concern. But it would probably help for you to understand that your son probably should have appropriate support in his day to day life anyway, and the fact that he may not always have that is not his fault and is more a failure of the state and today's society in general.

You mention panic attacks when being asked to make/serve himself food. This is not for no reason - he isn't playing up because he's immature. Something about this task causes him anxiety and overwhelm, and it's likely to be difficult to help him overcome this without understanding exactly what's going on.

You mention "strategizing" how you talk to him about difficult subjects. This shows you're prepared to adjust your own behaviors when necessary, and I can't tell you how great that is. This is where so many parents fall and you're already doing it of your own volition. However, I imagine he probably doesn't need to be explained to as much as he might need practical solutions. He can't become less autistic because it is explained to him gently. But he likely can find better ways to approach and cope with practical difficulties with practical solutions. And this is what this is - he is experiencing practical difficulties, not immaturity or some childish lack of sense of responsibility.

In short, if you want to help your son, you're probably going to have to shift your idea of what the problem is away from him, his autism and his behaviors and towards your personal lack of understanding of them and educate yourselves as parents. If you can do that, I've no doubt you'll be able to figure out some of these difficulties and make a real difference for him, to allow him to live a life that is at least a little bit easier, less stressful and more independent. Otherwise, he's just going to feel pressured to mask - to pretend that he doesn't have the difficulties he does while suffering just the same or worse, as is likely. He's growing up but he's still a child who's been raised to where he is by you and whatever community there is around him. Everything doesn't suddenly become his sole burden to bear just because he reaches an arbitrary age. You've done your best as parents and from what you've described, it sounds like you've done really well in most aspects. Now it's probably time to change tactic a bit. It's easier said than done, it'll be an ongoing journey of learning and growth but it's clear you genuinely want to understand and help, and that is honestly 90% of the battle already won, so I've no doubt you'll get there.

Good luck.

 

[Midnights11]

Also I’d like to point out that how I got my autism was most likely environmental or something happened while my mom was pregnant with me. So it wasn’t genetic. She’s neurotypical and we’re pretty sure my Dad has ADHD, which is neurodivergent. But ADHD is not autism. I guess I’m the unicorn, as a woman and most diagnoses are with boys because of how girls mask and people seeing them as just quirky or overreacting

 

[Hypnalis]

@The Lorax

Clearly your son is capable of doing things that he should do - the question is why he doesn't do them.

Teenage boys are generally difficult to influence because they don't care about things that will matter later, but not now. Nor (especially ASDs) do they necessarily care about their future - e.g. education.
For example it's easy for them to get "lost" in online gaming. Two of the four young ASDs among the children of my family and friends have this problem - it's not uncommon among NTs either, but 50% is high.

Nobody has to "live" online. We're not evolved for it. But It's like a diet heavy on sugar - we can be "tricked" by new things (or in the case of sugar, a major change in resource availability) that had no effect on our evolution.

The point: consider what your son actually does with his time when he should be doing other things.
This might help you understand (a) why he won't do trivial things like dry the clothes he's washed, and (b) when, if ever, he's being disingenuous.

Note that this isn't about finding something he values and using it for leverage.
I've never done that, nor had it done to me, so I have no idea if it helps or harms.

 

[AprilR]

I am sorry your son is having trouble being independent. Maybe he is too depressed and has executive dysfunction so he cannot do the daily tasks he should do. Depression and constant fatigue also makes me unable to function.

What he might be able to do in the future is not certain. I doubt he wants to burden you and wants to live like a child relying on you for everything,but it might be all he can do at this point. Some autistic people will always be dependent on their parents or siblings bc society does not care about differences and growing up most autistic people are traumatized and depressed by the pain they went through. You have to understand that you have no idea what he went through either.

 

[The Lorax]

I get his autism. We don't berate him for not doing something that to us is simple. I just try to push him as far as I can until I sense I pushed too much without being overbearing. Like today he asked me for food a second time and I was working on something deep. I nicely said there is sandwich meat in the fridge and bread. He started "I'm sorry, never mind and walked off depressed." So I waited for 5m then made him food hoping he would do it himself, which he has. He has made sandwiches in the past. But if I don't feed him we suffer later as his glucose goes off kilter.
Children are like a locked safe.

NT children you get handed say 10 similar combinations and one of them works. Autistic children you get no combination list, You have to figure it out. The child has no comparison to other kids because they are different so they can't guide a parent. Not sure if this is sounding right. It isn't meant as an insult just the difficulties with autism.
Here is a tough example.

The below happened after I posted....

My son was missing half of school. We told him previously its ok to get a GED. It doesn't matter. You will score well on the SAT. No he wants a HS diploma. But he can't go to public so we have to kill ourselves putting him in private. Very good accommodating school for any type of kid but most of them are special needs.

I had to dig to find out why. He wanted to stay home on his computer. We tried all sorts of nice way things to get him there. We know if he sits at home all day that isn't good for his mental condition. It was a yes no questionnaire until I hit the right answer. My wife and I took a stand finally when we realized this was all about the computer.

We said calmly talking to him like he was an adult "You can choose not to go to school. That's fine. We are just going to stop paying for school. But then we are also not living for you. We are taking back control of our lives. Don't ask for favors, sushi, special food, games. Something breaks you fix it or pay to have it fixed. You want money work at the local supermarket. Also we don't want to hear you talking to friends on the PC after 9pm. This is our house and we want peace and quit after 9. This is a family and we work together, but if you don't want too that's fine. Your single job is to go to school. You said you want a high school degree, well you have to go to school to get one since you don't like online school."

Oh he had an emotional meltdown. Lots of drama. But guess what. Next day he went, then the next, the next, the next. And you know what? He is now happy again. His tics drastically dropped. They went from 2-3 a minute to 1 every 5-10m. He is smiling, calmer, and even invited a friend over. Less eggshells in the house.

Sounds horrible what we did but it worked. I suspected he was sitting too much in his room and needed an NT swift kick in the butt.

I read all the posts. All great. I think you guys answered my question and put me at ease that he will be alright. That this is hear and he will adapt eventually in some form or another. No he doesn't eat junk food, sugar, chips, etc. We brainwashed good eating habits from birth.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

MY older brother an Aspie could not even put dishes away to clumsy never did chores on our farm. He was a strange guy now that he has passed, I finally get him due to this site.

 

[undertheradar]

I too am extremely introverted... I always have them

But I spent a lot of time watching movies and watching people and seeing how everybody should interact

As a result I've been able to pass myself off as an extrovert, it is opened up a lot of opportunities

I would not recommend this to anybody, it is extremely exhausting... It has put me in a lot of really bad situations

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I have the opposite issue naturally extraverted, playing introvert is easy, just keep my mouth shut. The Best Example
of an historical figure with a similar personality would be Richard Feynman, I Can really relate to him.

 

[vergil96]

His tics drastically dropped. They went from 2-3 a minute to 1 every 5-10m. He is smiling, calmer, and even invited a friend over. Less eggshells in the house.

Normal. Meltdown releases tension.

"You can choose not to go to school. That's fine. We are just going to stop paying for school. But then we are also not living for you.

Maybe that's the point, you treated him like an adult. It can be hella frustrating to have overbearing parents and no agency

Also, autism runs in families. Both of my parents are aspies (they have exactly the same symptoms as me) and they often don't see other people's feelings and boundaries - until this person explodes in rage or has another type of fit. They think that less pronounced feelings are "being silly/stupid", "Why are you behaving like that? Just stop, it looks stupid" or " you have an illness or a bahvioural problem, let's fix it" and a meltdown when someone is pushed well beyond all of their boundaries is also a "condition". I'm just quoting them, not intending to offend anyone - my parents can say very offensive things sometimes. Therefore, they often don't get along with others. ... Something to consider. Aspie parents + aspie child = boundaries violated over and over = meltdowns.

He barely can make sandwiches.

Why exactly? Time pressure? Motor skills? Mess in the fridge? Distractability?

But he almost has a panic attack at putting the soap in the washer and cleaning the lint trap so I have to do it. He doesn't like touching either.

Again, what is wrong with it? Maybe it's time pressure? If he doesn't like touching - gloves for housework?

My wife and I have to strategize how we talk to him often. We can't even hint at anything that remotely sounds like criticism even if it isn't or he goes into an "I'm sorry" chant and thinks we are yelling at him.

Yeah, I had the same arguments with my parents. I felt pushed against a wall. They wanted me to make decisions about things I couldn't find or recall. They wanted immediate answers. They were getting impatient. For example: "Iron this green shirt". Okay, I didn't know which shirt, there was a heap of clothes, many of them were green, I would have to search for the shirt, nor did I remember the shirt. But they thoough I remember and can see it there, because I was a very good student and have memory like a living encyclopedia. Information that I don't find interesting doesn't stick with me too much. I also have trouble finding things in a mess but they thought it's "obvious" where it is - it wasn't. Or they wanted anserws quickly, about things that I had no clue what we were talking about - especially housework was such a topic. So they got annoyed and impatient as I asked questioned and couldn't do things quickly. Also, when someone talks a lot, fast and in a chaotic manner, I find it hard to comprehend and my parents found it annoying. Especially my mom is very talkative and quick. Such discussions feel overwhelming and hostile.