Question regarding trust

[daniegirl6224]

Curious if this is an autistic thing-
When someone breaks your trust, do you put walls up and pull away from the relationship? Like the relationship completely changes? I think I do this moreso than most people. There have been recent situations with my family members where I no longer trust them. Some of the family is trying to repair the relationship, but I feel like that trust has been broken and cannot be repaired. Curious to hear any insight you may have. As a general rule, I think I am very trusting. But once that trust is broken, it is hard to go back to how the relationship was.

 

[Masked Man]

I think it really depends on the situation. Because autists are famous for misinterpreting the behavior of others, I try to tread very lightly in both giving and taking away my trust.

There is one family member from whom I have distanced myself from and I will never give it back. This person's behavior was intentionally manipulative and I gave them leeway for a long time but I finally decided to cut them out. I still speak to them, but from a distance - like a very large distance.

I think that's how I decide who to forgive and who to not forgive. Was the behavior intentional or was it a one-time mistake? One time is a mistake; twice is a pattern; three times is a choice. In other words, if someone keeps doing it, they like it and they like hurting me.

 

[Outdated]

Trust has always been an issue for me. When I was little other kids taught me that when they ask for forgiveness what they're really asking is "Are you dumb enough to fall for the same trick twice?". Not any more, no.

I'm in general a fairly trusting person but break that trust and it can never be repaired.

First chance is the first time we meet and trust is given freely.
A second chance is usually fair depending on circumstances.
Third chances only exist in fairy tales and I ain't no fairy.

 

[daniegirl6224]

What each of you say really resonates - thank you. I’ve discussed the situations with my partner to make sure that I am not misunderstanding or overlooking something, and he agrees that I should no longer trust them

 

[Outdated]

What each of you say really resonates - thank you. I’ve discussed the situations with my partner to make sure that I am not misunderstanding or overlooking something, and he agrees that I should no longer trust them

I also had issues with family members, at the end of the day you have to stop putting them up on a pedestal and start looking at them in exactly the same way as you would anyone else you meet in life. Easier said than done but still...

 

[Misty Avich]

When I meet anyone (not talking about dates) I usually have two "trust points" by default. If a friendship forms or they seem really nice then more trust points gets added, until there's so many trust points that even if one day they seemed a little off or were a bit harsh or whatever then I'll let it pass because of the amount of trust I have in them.

If however a person turns out to be an a'hole (which I can usually tell fairly quickly) then the trust points decrease until I have none, and that means I don't like them or will be easily hurt or upset by their actions or words.

It's just the way I work, and I quite like this little system I have, although I think this may be true for most people but they haven't acknowledged that the trust point system exists within most humans. It's a good way to look at things and explains why people I know who have more trust points can basically say anything and I won't become upset, because they've earned enough trust from me to, well, trust them enough to read the undertone in their words and actions and know that they like and respect me enough.

I'm the sort of friend who once a friendship is established I can be trusted and I wouldn't suddenly decide they've done something wrong and go ignoring them or anything. I can't be bothered with all that. Friendships are precious and if people feel happy in my company (even online) then I am glad to offer that advantage to them and having them feeling truly loved, respected and wanted as a friend.

 

[daniegirl6224]

I also had issues with family members, at the end of the day you have to stop putting them up on a pedestal and start looking at them in exactly the same way as you would anyone else you meet in life. Easier said than done but still...

Thank you. Sorry you’ve had struggles with family too I feel like two of my family members judge me a lot & that they betrayed me. Yet a big part of me feels a need to keep them close to me, even though I no longer trust them. I am still trying to figure it out. I think the autism makes it hard for me to fully understand.

 

[Judge]

I've had trust issues for a very long time. Mostly my entire adulthood.

While I can forgive, I cannot forget. I keep track of those who have crossed me, which also includes family. When I think of trust, I can only consider it in layers....like an onionskin.

My deceased mother was probably the one person who I always unconditionally trusted. And probably the only person on the planet who unconditionally loved me.

Yeah, I don't feel good about having to admit it, but I too have some deep trust issues.

"X-Files, baby! - "Trust No One"

 

[Wolfiedog]

i don’t put up walls but i make the person disappear. They’re gone. I know they are there but i don’t see them, don’t look them in the eye, and see right through them.
It’s automatic and i can’t control it. i hate it and think it’s childish.
But do me wrong and there’s little chance of coming back.
Even family.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I have always been too trusting. I assume (subconsciously since I never think about it initially) that anyone I meet is as honorable as me. I understand mistakes, and allow for them, but until someone has clearly wronged me I give them the benefit of the doubt. Once they have made their negativity clear, I simply stop giving them opportunity to do me wrong. If I meet them somewhere, I will be civil, but I will not engage with them anymore than to succinctly answer questions.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

So many people betrayed me last year, I practically trust no one. I don't care. I know I have no real true friends. When things get really hard, they will all abandon me like past ones did.

 

[Tiffany Kate]

Yes.

I think part of this is the result of being betrayed in the past. Part of it is actually normal for human beings: apparently if someone does a "bad" thing, it's worth about five times as much as a "good" thing. Which is why, even among neurotypicals, one bad act can ruin a long-term friendship.

I think it's worse in autism. I think maybe because we construct our social world (especially as regards dealing with neurotypicals) from rules. "If... then..." So if someone breaks one of the rules "Thou shalt not lie", "Thou shalt not break promises/appointments", it's not only just a big thing in general for us because of how we think (concretely, logically), but also it can call into question the accuracy of our entire social rules-construct. And if your world starts to wobble, it's not going to be good, is it?

The problem is that neurotypicals break rules and promises ALL THE TIME. So one needs to sort out which rule-breakings are just NTs being NTs and we need to grit our teeth and bear it, and which rule-breakings really do mean something serious.

But yeah, my instinct is to immediately back off and reclassify that person as a stranger.

I talk to my (non-autistic) husband about this and get his take on it. I've also started talking to ChatGPT, which is sometimes useful for giving me feedback on how to deal with situations.

If you have a persistent rule-breaker whom you like, and they're just being neurotypical (e.g. always late for appointments) it's worth having a little chat about how being 10 minutes late all the time might not seem much to them, but it means more to you and could they please have a think about it?

I think @Masked Man makes very good points:

I think that's how I decide who to forgive and who to not forgive. Was the behavior intentional or was it a one-time mistake? One time is a mistake; twice is a pattern; three times is a choice. In other words, if someone keeps doing it, they like it and they like hurting me.

(With the exception that NTs may not realise the effect of their rule-breaking on their autistic friend, so explaining it could help.)

 

[Misty Avich]

Having RSD can affect one's trust too.

 

[Aspychata]

If you have done something egregiously distrustful, then l will never let you back in. If l do let you in, l will continue to observe you and everything you do until l finally cut you from my life. To me, it's pure survival mode. l have had to deal with distrustful people constantly in work situations as people's morals can be all over the spectrum. Fake people immediately get a distrustful label stuck on their forehead. I have had to deal with a distrustful distanced relative when it came to an inheritance. And l have dealt with distrustful neighbors. And l have experience with distrustful boyfriends. To me, it's a path to embark on with a distrustful person, you have to be aware of having a exit door that you safely escape thru, when you know you may be duped as a particular situation suddenly presents itself in an effort to trap you.

 

[Judge]

I have had to deal with a distrustful distanced relative when it came to an inheritance.

To me, this is also one of the most awful ways of finding out that you cannot be too comfortable even with your own family, or inner most social circle. The test of an inheritance which for some, brings out a sense of avarice in people we never saw coming.

Which can- and does break your heart. Been there before as a trustee and it wasn't pretty.

 

[Metalhead]

Fifteen years ago, a younger cousin of mine visited me in my apartment and handled quite a few of my video games. The next day, I realized every game he handled, the disks were missing and he left the cases on the shelf. I reported that to his parents. As soon as my grandmother heard about this, she called his parents and told him my cousin was too much of a good boy to steal from me - even though he was caught stealing from other relatives around the same time this happened. He got away with it because of my grandmother's intervention, and he learned it was safe to steal from me. I never let him into my house since then, and my mother is telling me that is childish of me to keep holding on to this.

 

[Judge]

I never let him into my house since then, and my mother is telling me that is childish of me to keep holding on to this.

Tell your mother not to confuse being prudent with being childish.

Stealing is bad. Stealing from family is worse, IMO.

 

[Metalhead]

Tell your mother not to confuse being prudent with being childish.

Stealing is bad. Stealing from family is worse, IMO.

Even worse was the last time I saw this cousin at a family gathering, he was wearing a pro-neo-Nazi skinhead shirt, sported a shaved head and kept on making racist commentary.

When I stated this was happening to my parents, they told me I was being the "PC Police" and that people like me were the reason why anti-woke sentiments are popular today.