Question to help better understand my son

[The Lorax]

My son is really smart 14 year old. Very low on the autism level. ADD, anxiety. He is on medication for anxiety and ADD. He is a straight "A" student in high school taking advanced courses. Good kid. If a stranger met him you could not tell anything was different about him.

But one of his failures is communicating. Perhaps some of you can shed a light on this situation because when I try to ask him about it to help him all I get is a non-stop "I don't know" that doesn't stop even if I stop talking.

In the mornings some days he gets up early and bounces to school. No problem.
On other days he sits in bed looking at his iPad. Doesn't respond, doesn't cooperate. I ask how I can help and I get that "I don't know" chant which drives me insane.

All I can do is leave him alone and check in on intervals to see if he has stabilized. Then I have to very delicately approach him being very patient to get him off to school.

We have tried changing food, sunlight levels, determining what day it is, everything. Without his cooperation I don't know what is going on in his head. He is also non-cooperative in solving it. He won't eat some food, he won't take his pills. I just have to wait till whatever mental transformation happens, happens.

For me it is incredibly mentally draining each morning to go through this process. I don't get mad at him, I don't raise my voice, but he always thinks I am mad at him about it. I think he is picking up on my mental exhaustion.

Background info... my wife has the same conditions as my son so I take care of everything so she can focus on her genius level job that makes excellent money. I also run my own business because I can't work full time with my son's condition. So my day is always filled and requires a massive amount of mental energy. The moment I open my eyes my brain starts spitting out a list of things I need to do that day.

So what is going on in the morning with him? Today he thanked me for being patient. But it is killing me to go through the process 50% of the days.

Why would he have slow mornings where I feel there is a completely different person in my home? He doesn't tell me. Is it just the circadian rhythm shifting?

 

[Suzette]

Hello

My answer is not really "qualified". I am just figuring out this a.s.d. thing myself. But I am a parent but my son is now grown. So I will share a few thoughts.

First you son is a teenager first. A.s.d. just adds another level to what is already a confusing time. There is just so many hormones and conficting thoughts most teens can handle. Even the most "well adjusted" teen can suffer some burnout. I think that is what is happening with your son.

There is a video on YouTube that describes the experience of an autistic child by comparing to a shaken coke bottle. Basically all the stressors pile up until there is an explosion. Only your son isn't letting everything pile up until meltdown, he is shutting down temporarily to "regroup" himself.

He may also have a degree of alexthymia. Basically he says "I don't know" because he doesn't know how he feels. He is just being as open as he can.

Anyway, what you describe sounds very familiar to me. I was like this as a teen too. I am 54 now. It has taken me many years but I can now intellectulize how I feel even if I can't always label the emotion.

Your son sounds very bright. Perhaps he would be a good candidate for online high school? Many online highschools allow you to be self directed and you take the classes and do the work acvording to your own schedule. Just a thought.

Also, is he challenged achedmically? Is there something he us really good at? Maybe he could take an inline college level class is that subject?

Sorry for the random thoughts. I am sure other members will have a lot to say on this subject!

 

[Varzar]

He may also have a degree of alexthymia. Basically he says "I don't know" because he doesn't know how he feels. He is just being as open as he can.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

Also sounds familiar to me. Even now I sometimes struggle to put into words what my feelings are when they crop up.
As a teenager, it was only harder as you're also flooded with all these new emotions, like perhaps attraction to someone in his classes or something.

Let's face it, being a teenager is a confusing time for most people (AS or NT). But if on top of that you have Alexithymia, then you might have lived your life to that point disconnected from your emotions the majority of the time. All of a sudden, they start surfacing, showing up in your brain like an uninvited house guest.. And I'm not surprised all he can do is chant "I don't know. I don't know.".

 

[The Lorax]

Online school is out. During the pandemic it wasn't good and his grades dropped. He needs to be in a classroom for many reasons. Socially, sunlight, and activity. He loves his computer and the more time he spends in that dark room the more grumpy he gets.

His intellect is an interesting compensation of things. He is challenged enough at school being 2 years ahead but still not enough. But if he takes on more he can't handle it due to ADD. Luckily he doesn't have the hyperactivity. At the end of this year we are going to enroll him in college and have him test out of some of the core classes like english and math.

I do know about the shifted circadian rhythm for teenagers. He goes to high school at 9:30 instead of 7:20. We made sure of that. He already had high school credits coming in so he can do it. Still he has a hard time. He is even asleep by 11pm and wakes up at 9am.

I model by doing and explaining. He has only once said he hated me and I'll kill you when he was 6 and really angry. But he never goes off on us, calls us names, or uses cuss words on us.

I will take a look at the alexithymia. But seeing posted from ASDs that went through the same thing at his age makes me feel a lot better. I don't give him a hassle. How can I complain at straight "A"s. All we asked of him was to pass his classes.

He is almost 15 BTW.... Glad to see we are peaking this hump. He is an only child of only children. He has no aunts or uncles so we have nothing to compare it too.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My sons are approaching 40 until they get into their mid twenties, you will have your hands full.
Wish I could give Aspie advice, sorry.

 

[Au Naturel]

You don't know what is going on inside his head. Because of this, I would look into professional help, someone with experience with autism and gifted kids. Not as a way to "treat" him for a problem but to give him someone to talk to. Parents are often too close to talk to.

I would also contact his teachers and the school psychologist to see how he is doing there. A gifted kid with high-functioning autism could be going through all kinds of issues and you'd never have a clue.

When I was young I had all kinds of issues I would never tell my parents about.

 

[SusanLR]

I wouldn't tell my parents what was going on in my mind either during my teen years.
Whether it be physical or emotional, I just didn't want them to know.
I was an only child, too, and the straight A student.

Thinking back, I felt I had an obligation to keep up the high grade levels or face feeling
they would be putting me down in their minds, although they never scolded or acted angry.
I was socially isolated and no friends. My parents were the only people I felt I could
be me around comfortably, so I wanted to think they thought highly of me.
I didn't want to show any signs of weakness.

But, I did have physical and emotional problems that bothered me and rather than reach out
for comfort or open up on the subject, I just shut down until, yes, it would pass.
I did better being home schooled during high school.
By age 18 I was ready and wanted to go to college and Uni which was fine.
There were still struggles, but, things got better.
I never married nor had children so I've no experience with that.
All I can do is look back and share how I thought and felt during those years.

 

[Matthias]

My son is really smart 14 year old. Very low on the autism level. ADD, anxiety. He is on medication for anxiety and ADD. He is a straight "A" student in high school taking advanced courses. Good kid. If a stranger met him you could not tell anything was different about him.

But one of his failures is communicating. Perhaps some of you can shed a light on this situation because when I try to ask him about it to help him all I get is a non-stop "I don't know" that doesn't stop even if I stop talking.

In the mornings some days he gets up early and bounces to school. No problem.
On other days he sits in bed looking at his iPad. Doesn't respond, doesn't cooperate. I ask how I can help and I get that "I don't know" chant which drives me insane.

All I can do is leave him alone and check in on intervals to see if he has stabilized. Then I have to very delicately approach him being very patient to get him off to school.

We have tried changing food, sunlight levels, determining what day it is, everything. Without his cooperation I don't know what is going on in his head. He is also non-cooperative in solving it. He won't eat some food, he won't take his pills. I just have to wait till whatever mental transformation happens, happens.

It sounds like he may be suffering from social isolation which can result in the problems you described. He may feel socially isolated because he feels like he doesn't belong, doesn't feel as close to his peers as he did when he was younger, wants a girlfriend but lacks the social skills to get a girlfriend, or because he has difficulty understanding his emotions.

Emotional problems skyrocketed in countries (such as the USA) where psychologists reclassified young adults into a new category they invented called adolescence and convinced people to identify them as children despite being biologically adults. While extremely profitable for psychologists and drug companies, it is very harmful to young men and women especially when they're autistic and smart enough to know they aren't a child anymore. Treating your son like an adult will help him feel respected and understood while treating him like a child will probably come across as condescending and send the message that you don't understand him.

For me it is incredibly mentally draining each morning to go through this process. I don't get mad at him, I don't raise my voice, but he always thinks I am mad at him about it. I think he is picking up on my mental exhaustion

He needs compassion and understanding. When he notices your mental exhaustion, he may feel like you don't understand him or don't want to take the time to help him with whatever it is that he's struggling with to help him feel better.

So what is going on in the morning with him? Today he thanked me for being patient. But it is killing me to go through the process 50% of the days.

Why would he have slow mornings where I feel there is a completely different person in my home? He doesn't tell me. Is it just the circadian rhythm shifting?

The best thing you can do is talk to him about his feelings so he can feel like you care about how he feels, that you're able to understand and relate to him, and that you are there for him. Help him identify what he is feeling and why he feels the way he does. Ask him what you can do to help him feel better. The more positive, respectful, patient, open minded, and understanding you can be, the more it will help him. I would avoid sending him to a therapist since it would likely send the message that you think something is wrong with him and that you aren't willing to take the time to understand and help him.

 

[Thinx]

Maybe go over your posts here because to me, your ways of describing your own feelings and reactions sound like you need some downtime. Like where you say his chant 'drives you insane', and that you find being patient and calm when he is uncommunicative 'incredibly mentally draining'.

There's so many reasons a young adult may be uncommunicative, that they can easily baffle us, but your feelings about this sound more distressed than is good for you or him. Relating is always a 2 way process. I would think it's likely he'd on some level pick up on your strong feelings and what sound like quite anxious reactions.

Maybe as well as keeping communication open with your son, think about what's happening for you, what your teen years were like, where this level of stress you feel is coming from, and consider talking therapy for yourself, to get support. You sound like a great dad, btw.

 

[BobMarmaduke]

I don't imagine it could be something as simple as him having morning wood. I apologize if that is crude but I don't see that it is not out of the realm of possibility in some age groups or situations.

 

[The Lorax]

Done all the above. Patient, made available a good psychologist that he met... she took his I.Q. test. Told him about my childhood at the same age. We are very open. I use psychological tactics to accomplish things. His best friend is a girl that is smart. He has plenty of online friends he has known for years he plays with. Not any school friends though. This year there is no D&D club but he is in writing club. No signs of depression. Occasionally anxiety overwhelms him but it is rare.

And yes I need time away. I need a vacation from everyone. Usually once a year my wife would take him to grandpa's for a week. That would reset me. But he doesn't want to leave anymore.

And yes there were times were I was sure he had his morning wood. That's why I slowly open the door and wave my hand for about 10s to make sure he sees me before I stick my head in. I don't want to knock because usually he is still asleep and the sound of the knock is shocking to him.

I have 2 autistic people in the house with ADD. My wife and him. I take care of them both and run a business.

I have incredible empathy for families that have it more severe than my mild son.

I have been with my wife for so long now that I think autistic people are more real and normal than neuro-typicals. No social games, no BS, no drama, just straight forwardness. I have studied the subject a lot. They have changed the way I see other people. I read a lot about neurology and behavior psychology.

 

[NB79]

I don't know what to say... but only that you try to be patient and kind and loving with him, but also to remind him he may have responsabilities in things to do etc, sometimes people with autism need reasons for everything so try to explain the why of things not just 'demand' just like that out of the blue. idk.

 

[Sarah S]

We all can agree im shore that living with us on the spectrum and or other diagnosis is very hard & demanding so im not at all surprised you seem to have slammed in the famous brick wall. & like Thinx already have said i agree.

Reg youre sons' problems:

Youre son have days when he is just out of power so to say i have had this problem from i was a little and still have them & for me in my case with ADHD it's a well-known co morbid, sleeping disorder & as ADD is ADHD - hyperactivity it wouldn't surprise me if that's one possible reason here as well. & let's not forget he is a teenager. since when have we heard about teenagers not being sleepy in the morning?

If youre son believes youre disepointed or angry at him then all you need and should do is tell him and show him over and over again that youre not. Even if you don't think he understand he most probably does but again he has problems in understanding all this

Based on youre statements in this thread I'd say youre son is incredibly lucky to have you and youre doing a great job as his dad & last try to not read too much of how he acts and behaves. And you have the advantage that you have red up and studied about all this were as many don't (my own dad couldn't understand me up to I'd say i finally got good contact with him the past 10 years) and i should add he is most likely Asperger/ ASD 1 + ADHD as well. So, it's no brainer that you without any diagnosis have even more difficulties in understanding us with them and how we work and communicate etc...

Youre son can't properly communicate as you say I'd say let's not forget that A he is boy and since when have you heard of boys /men being as keen or willing to share their feelings? B Let's not forget he is a teenage boy and again i haven't so far met one teenage boy willing or capable of sharing his feelings and most definitely to his dad.

The poor morning mood well let's just say it doesent take to mush for me to blow up on mornings and again he is a teenager.

Some days he just seems like he is in his own world (been there in his age) that doesent mean he is feeling bad tho it's just his way of getting to a safe place when he can be all alone with his own thoughts and his own world

 

[watersprite]

I have to say @Sarah S explains this so completely that the only thing I’d add is that if your son wasn’t showing some awkward &/or separation from you, that’d be indeed very odd for a teen.

Actually I will add one more thing:
my son started working at 15 at a scientific lab, & while that was very stressful at first, it helped in a lot of ways.

Take heart. I won’t tell you all the difficulties I went through with my son. But: He graduated a couple of years ago, is almost done with his undergrad work. He has math scholarships & various awards including Pres. Scholar. He is doing well at uni’ with 2 majors as well as part time remote work for a part of the NIH. So hang in there for your son’s sake @The Lorax

 

[Matthias]

Done all the above. Patient, made available a good psychologist that he met... she took his I.Q. test. Told him about my childhood at the same age. We are very open. I use psychological tactics to accomplish things. His best friend is a girl that is smart. He has plenty of online friends he has known for years he plays with. Not any school friends though. This year there is no D&D club but he is in writing club. No signs of depression. Occasionally anxiety overwhelms him but it is rare.

And yes I need time away. I need a vacation from everyone. Usually once a year my wife would take him to grandpa's for a week. That would reset me. But he doesn't want to leave anymore.

And yes there were times were I was sure he had his morning wood. That's why I slowly open the door and wave my hand for about 10s to make sure he sees me before I stick my head in. I don't want to knock because usually he is still asleep and the sound of the knock is shocking to him.

I have 2 autistic people in the house with ADD. My wife and him. I take care of them both and run a business.

I have incredible empathy for families that have it more severe than my mild son.

I have been with my wife for so long now that I think autistic people are more real and normal than neuro-typicals. No social games, no BS, no drama, just straight forwardness. I have studied the subject a lot. They have changed the way I see other people. I read a lot about neurology and behavior psychology.

I can see that you're a great father who loves his son.

While it's great that your son has online friends, I think communicating with friends in person has psychological benefits that I'm not sure he can get from online friends. I'd inquire why he isn't friends with anyone in school and help him find friends he can communicate with in person which will also help him when he needs to get a job working with other people. While he may not be depressed or feel lonely, I think he would feel better if he had friends to talk to while he was in school.

 

[Sarah S]

In the mornings some days he gets up early and bounces to school. No problem.
On other days he sits in bed looking at his iPad. Doesn't respond, doesn't cooperate. I ask how I can help and I get that "I don't know" chant which drives me insane.

All I can do is leave him alone and check in on intervals to see if he has stabilized. Then I have to very delicately approach him being very patient to get him off to school.

We have tried changing food, sunlight levels, determining what day it is, everything. Without his cooperation I don't know what is going on in his head. He is also non-cooperative in solving it. He won't eat some food, he won't take his pills. I just have to wait till whatever mental transformation happens, happens.

From my side what most of this sounds like is he has ASD 1 and ADD This is many of the traits of actually being diagnosed with ASD 1 /Asbergers. Not to be takend as he just doesn't want too or care about trying to explain or change his way.

Also, you can't compare youre son too his mother as this and ADD /ADHD is very different in males and females.

If you were to be able to see in a (in this case a young) males Diagnosed with Asperger's brain i would say you would see a well let's, try to think of it as a computer going on full speed ahead 24 /7 year-round. and as shush think of the odds you would have to be able to keep track on all that data speeding thru with lightning speed. The short answer is you can't. So, i would guess that youre son can't either at this point keep track on all his feelings and all the rest. So again, i highly dought that he is unwilling or just don't care. It's more likely he can't, and he hasn't yet learnt how to comminate and share his feelings. But like me im shore he will learn with time and patience.

His best friend is a girl that is smart.

He has plenty of online friends he has known for years he plays with. Not any school friends though. This year there is no D&D club but he is in writing club. No signs of depression. Occasionally anxiety overwhelms him but it is rare.

Maybe for him only having this one reell life friend is all he needs and or feel he can handle at this time? ( i have always been a one or tops a few reel friends) And like him let's just say i didn't had any friends in school from kindergarten and up and i was bullied and treated and regarded as retard same years from kindergarten and up.

As for the online friends trust me when i say it's not as bad as you envision it (I'd say i have 98 % online friends of my entire social network ALL over the globe 1 % by phone and 1 % if that reel life) so even as im all alone in my home most days i still communicate and have daily contact with others every day (incl here) so im not ALL alone. And again, maybe this is what he feels he can handle at this point.

What im trying to say here is you have to try to learn how youre son is feeling based on what you know about this diagnosis and not compare him with youre own upbringing and how other non-diagnosed teenagers should behave and feel and act.

Does he himself in any way shown you any signs he doesn't like it in school, and he don't like his life as it is? If not then try to relax and see to that youre son continues to do well in school, wanting to go to the school have his friends online as well as his reel life friend were he obviously feels he can be safe, and she is someone he can relate too and understand and respect and accept him as he is.

It's when these signs begin to show to be missing it's time to start worrying and go to action.

 

[The Lorax]

I guarantee he doesn't have the H in ADHD. I have seen the H in other children. He has told me he wants more real life friends. The school is helping him in his social skills class. He has a hard time relating to people below well below his thinking ability, which is 84% of the crowd because he is that smart. He is smarter than I am for sure. Without great social intelligence he can't adjust well.

I have that problem as well but I have an arsenal of conversations for the laymen I can engage in. I'd prefer taking about the sciences and history or to help someone solve a problem. But most people are not interested in these things.

He likes school, he gets straight "A"s now. He is in advanced classes some 2 years ahead.

One psychological trick I would like to share with any parents of children like mine that are reading. Start this when they are young. Oversell your child's disability at school. Show that life is difficult with them at home. This will generate empathy for the situation and lower the bar for expectations. So when your child exceeds them they are happy.

It is an old sales tactic of under promising and over delivering.

One elementary school he was they are punishing him for his autism. The harder I pushed with the science the more they pushed back. I finally realized the principle was just ignorant to his condition despite all their high level degrees in XYZ fields. So I adjusted psychological strategies implementing some of the above to generate empathy and they changed how they treated him. I also told my son what I was doing, why, and how it works so hopefully he picks up on it.

With all my experience adapting to get my son to do things I am an expert on getting NTs to do things lol. I feel like a veteran of a psychological war.

Each year something new pops up with him. But he is getting better. Just gotta get over the hump of the next 2 years.

Thank you everyone for the words. The posts of your experiences definitely reduced my anxiety about my son. The psychologist told me something similar but hearing it from many people with ASD helped more.

 

[Sarah S]

I guarantee he doesn't have the H in ADHD. I have seen the H in other children.

He has told me he wants more real life friends.

The school is helping him in his social skills class. He has a hard time relating to people below well below his thinking ability, which is 84% of the crowd because he is that smart. He is smarter than I am for sure. Without great social intelligence he can't adjust well.

I have that problem as well but I have an arsenal of conversations for the laymen I can engage in. I'd prefer taking about the sciences and history or to help someone solve a problem. But most people are not interested in these things.

He likes school, he gets straight "A"s now. He is in advanced classes some 2 years ahead.

One psychological trick I would like to share with any parents of children like mine that are reading. Start this when they are young. Oversell your child's disability at school. Show that life is difficult with them at home. This will generate empathy for the situation and lower the bar for expectations. So when your child exceeds them they are happy.

It is an old sales tactic of under promising and over delivering.

One elementary school he was they are punishing him for his autism. The harder I pushed with the science the more they pushed back. I finally realized the principle was just ignorant to his condition despite all their high level degrees in XYZ fields. So I adjusted psychological strategies implementing some of the above to generate empathy and they changed how they treated him. I also told my son what I was doing, why, and how it works so hopefully he picks up on it.

With all my experience adapting to get my son to do things I am an expert on getting NTs to do things lol. I feel like a veteran of a psychological war.

Each year something new pops up with him. But he is getting better. Just gotta get over the hump of the next 2 years.

Thank you everyone for the words. The posts of your experiences definitely reduced my anxiety about my son. The psychologist told me something similar but hearing it from many people with ASD helped more.

I never claimed he had the H Lorax. & Again, you can't compare any of us with same diagnose as youre son as this diagnosis are highly individual and no one is the same + as i said earlier there is also diffences between male and females and also levels of said diagnos. I was WAY more hyper as a child then i am today for example and i have learnt to adapt to all my diagnosis as best i can.

I understand. Well sadly many of us with diagnoses have more or less the same problem in that we are looked on as strange. But that don't mean he won't find any new friends what he should try is to locate places were teens in his age and with his interests are (sadly in these times we also have to accept that during this pandemic we need to try to cut down on to many close encounters etc...)

I can understand that him being as i understand this higher up in IQ then me that is below that this also adds to his problems yes. But as i have im shore he will learn to get better at this (and if i can and have managed with all my diagnosis etc... im 101 % shore he will as well Lorax (and im still learning every day i might add) But he needs to be given time and lots of suport and above all as you already do understanding. trying to push him to fast will only risk him crashing down so i would suggest keep on gently encourage him to keep trying BUT at the same time don't push him to fast.

I understand but you must let him find out what method works for him Lorax (me im like a chameleon so to say i adapt to the person im currently talking too or get to know etc... and said persons interests and so on + im also fortunate to know something about allot. So, i have no problem talking about anything.

Thats great and this should then tell you that he is NOT unhappy in school Lorax.

My mother actually was very open in all my classes about who i was and what problems /diagnoses i had to all my classes (she also has ASD 1/Asbergers most likely based on medical workers around her with previous experience in this. She sadly has Alzimers & Alzimers & for 5 years lives in a GOOD home)

Sadly, we also have BAD schools (not to mention homes) that are supposed to be for those less fortunate in their diagnosis and levels. over here. and you most definitely did the right thing and also that you let him in what and why you are doing this I'd say.

HAHAHA just keep in mind that us on the spectrum is many times masters of this noble art as well (wink) Me most definitely included BUT i only use it for good tho and to help others or take them down if they need that and have come against me. (im a scared mental war warrior)

Unfortunately, this will be how much of his life will be Lorax BUT for each hump he manages to overcome he will learn how to adapt and learn more about himself Lorax. But this will take time and many trials and errors on the way sadly.

Youre very welcome and im happy that even me could help in some way Lorax. And as i said before from what i have seen in this thread and based on my knowledge and my own diagnosis etc... Id say youre doing an EXCELLENT job as a dad and you also need to try to relax some more and try to not stress youre self-up so much about youre son. And above all give youre self some time you can't be with youre son 24 / 7 protecting him Lorax.

 

[SDRSpark]

My son is really smart 14 year old. Very low on the autism level. ADD, anxiety. He is on medication for anxiety and ADD. He is a straight "A" student in high school taking advanced courses. Good kid. If a stranger met him you could not tell anything was different about him.

But one of his failures is communicating. Perhaps some of you can shed a light on this situation because when I try to ask him about it to help him all I get is a non-stop "I don't know" that doesn't stop even if I stop talking.

In the mornings some days he gets up early and bounces to school. No problem.
On other days he sits in bed looking at his iPad. Doesn't respond, doesn't cooperate. I ask how I can help and I get that "I don't know" chant which drives me insane.

All I can do is leave him alone and check in on intervals to see if he has stabilized. Then I have to very delicately approach him being very patient to get him off to school.

We have tried changing food, sunlight levels, determining what day it is, everything. Without his cooperation I don't know what is going on in his head. He is also non-cooperative in solving it. He won't eat some food, he won't take his pills. I just have to wait till whatever mental transformation happens, happens.

For me it is incredibly mentally draining each morning to go through this process. I don't get mad at him, I don't raise my voice, but he always thinks I am mad at him about it. I think he is picking up on my mental exhaustion.

Background info... my wife has the same conditions as my son so I take care of everything so she can focus on her genius level job that makes excellent money. I also run my own business because I can't work full time with my son's condition. So my day is always filled and requires a massive amount of mental energy. The moment I open my eyes my brain starts spitting out a list of things I need to do that day.

So what is going on in the morning with him? Today he thanked me for being patient. But it is killing me to go through the process 50% of the days.

Why would he have slow mornings where I feel there is a completely different person in my home? He doesn't tell me. Is it just the circadian rhythm shifting?

I'd like you to consider that maybe he really doesn't know. Sometimes "I don't know" is seen as having an attitude or being non-cooperative, when in reality, it's his honest answer - he would love to understand what's going on with him and how you can help, but he doesn't.

Been there, done that. I have a much better handle on identifying and conveying my emotions at this point (after years of working on it) but there are still times when I really have no clue what I'm feeling and if someone asks how they can help, I literally don't know.

Read up on alexithymia if you haven't already. Also, autistic people are notorious for not being entirely in touch with their physical states as well - we don't feel hunger until we're dizzy, don't get thirsty and wind up dehydrated, don't realize that we're sick until we're half dead, etc. For me, I can be in pain for a while before my conscious brain clicks in and recognizes that I'm in pain. I'll just be grumpy and agitated and not understand why and later realize that I've had a headache all day or something like that.

Unfortunately, I don't have much advice about your son, other than continued patience and understanding, which you are doing an excellent job at.

I do have some advice for YOU, though, excellent dad who is trying his hardest to do the right thing: take care of yourself. Make time every day for you, and realize that there are definitely things on that to-do list that can wait until tomorrow.

People act like "self care" is a luxury afforded to wealthy people with no problems; it's not. It's pretty much a requirement for a healthy, happy life; for me it's like required system maintenance and I WILL crash and burn if I don't make time for myself. I'm incredibly successful in life by most external measures and there's no question that I would not be if I didn't take that time for me and defend it vociferously.

So take that time to recharge yourself and engage in your hobbies/things that you enjoy AT LEAST on the weekends, preferably everyday, if you don't already.

 

[SDRSpark]

Socially, sunlight, and activity.

You mentioned sunlight. Sunlight is important. If you suspect that he has any SAD, get him a therapy lamp. I recommend Verilux brand (I really like the LED ones, I have both an LED and an older tube model). You can even get bulbs that fit a regular fixture so that he won't realize he's being exposed to a therapy lamp.

This helps a lot for some of us (I have mine hanging on the wall in my home office) and it literally can't hurt. They're not very expensive. All you have to lose is about $50. You can buy them online, no prescription needed.