Hi everyone! I have been experiencing a lot of stress and anxiety recently, and am thinking of seeing a therapist. I'm not sure whether to say that I've long suspected that I'm on the spectrum, or whether I'm better off just telling them specific problems I'm having.
My fear with telling them my suspicion is that they will just not believe me or think I'm trying to "seek a diagnosis" (or, tbh: I'll find that I'm *not* on the spectrum, and just lazy/anxious/weird/unlikeable person). I think I've gotten really pretty good at presenting normally, it's just exhausting and wearing on me. My fear with *not* telling them is that, in a few times I've been anxious enough to decide I need to see a therapist, the session focuses on some current stressor of mine, they tell me to do something like start a journal, and the discussion doesn't get anywhere near many, many other problems I am experiencing.
So, I am thinking of bringing a list of things I want them to know about me, before they read me as perfectly normal and I get trapped in a useless discussion about how "work has been a little stressful lately." But, since I wrote that list, I wanted to post here and ask whether my problems are similar to anyone here. Right now, here's how I live:
Health:
I shower on average once, maybe twice, a week.
I smoke 3/4 pack of cigarettes each day.
I have had a cracked tooth for about 2 years that I haven’t gotten checked by a dentist because the idea of calling for or going to an appointment is unbearable.
I have ulcerative colitis and am supposed to get a colonoscopy-- and again, don’t want to make an appointment or go.
I drink several beers every night to relax.
Social:
I do not feel emotionally close to any peers. I rarely want to be around people.
Talking to most people I feel like an actor, and only feel “like myself” when alone.
I have to drink alcohol to be in any social situations outside of work, and even then I find them mostly unfulfilling.
I only enjoy talking to people about specific subjects, and do not like conversations without a clear subject.
I need roughly 6 hours completely alone each day or I get progressively drained.
Will absolutely avoid calling anyone on the phone (order food, make dentist appointment, anything at all), except for a family member.
Oddly, I really enjoy email and can feel a "closeness" over email that I can't in person.
I know I need to make eye contact in social situations, and I do it intentionally, but it is literally painful every single time. Hence the social exhaustion I think.
Work:
I can not focus on work while other people are in the office and might talk to me. Interruptions, or even just the possibility or likelihood of being interrupted, mean I can't focus on anything. I often get very little done all day, and get most of my work done when the office is empty between 5-8 pm. Work that I do get done during regular hours I do with noise-cancelling headphones or by moving to an empty room.
I find all group interaction stressful and anxiety-inducing. I leave all meetings with more than one person completely exhausted— especially if there is any sort of conflict or disagreement. I dread going, do not want to talk, and when I do (especially if I am presenting a conflicting or contradictory viewpoint) I have no way how to say it in ways that don’t make other people start to get upset. After meetings I need almost an hour of time alone to recover (and at least one or two cigarettes).
I am uncomfortable asking or telling other people to do things (even when it is their job, and not mine), and often end up doing the work myself rather than ask others to do it.
Other related things:
I am obsessively neat in my home. All things should have and be in a designated place, and it bothers me if they aren't. I prefer to live this way since I always know where my things are, but it means I'll probably never live with another adult again because I can't stand their leaving things around.
All sorts of sensory things bother me, and I won't write the whole list out. It's more of a problem if I'm already anxious, then they're unbearable. I have lots of "food rules" but they are rarely a problem, it's just how I eat.
All that said first-- I’m a fairly high functioning person, and that's why I fear being dismissed out of hand. I don't think I have any intellectual problems-- I have a Ph.D., I do research. My work is generally high quality (I just have to work really long hours to finally get into a focus on it, which isn't great). I have a boyfriend. I have two wonderful and happy children (their father and I split up, the relationship was too stressful for me), and do believe I'm a good, attentive, affectionate mom despite all of the above.
Anyway... hello, everyone. I'd really appreciate hearing from you if my experiences and problems are are like yours, and especially how you went about talking to a therapist (if you did), or otherwise anything that helps you manage anxiety.
My fear with telling them my suspicion is that they will just not believe me or think I'm trying to "seek a diagnosis" (or, tbh: I'll find that I'm *not* on the spectrum, and just lazy/anxious/weird/unlikeable person). I think I've gotten really pretty good at presenting normally, it's just exhausting and wearing on me. My fear with *not* telling them is that, in a few times I've been anxious enough to decide I need to see a therapist, the session focuses on some current stressor of mine, they tell me to do something like start a journal, and the discussion doesn't get anywhere near many, many other problems I am experiencing.
So, I am thinking of bringing a list of things I want them to know about me, before they read me as perfectly normal and I get trapped in a useless discussion about how "work has been a little stressful lately." But, since I wrote that list, I wanted to post here and ask whether my problems are similar to anyone here. Right now, here's how I live:
Health:
I shower on average once, maybe twice, a week.
I smoke 3/4 pack of cigarettes each day.
I have had a cracked tooth for about 2 years that I haven’t gotten checked by a dentist because the idea of calling for or going to an appointment is unbearable.
I have ulcerative colitis and am supposed to get a colonoscopy-- and again, don’t want to make an appointment or go.
I drink several beers every night to relax.
Social:
I do not feel emotionally close to any peers. I rarely want to be around people.
Talking to most people I feel like an actor, and only feel “like myself” when alone.
I have to drink alcohol to be in any social situations outside of work, and even then I find them mostly unfulfilling.
I only enjoy talking to people about specific subjects, and do not like conversations without a clear subject.
I need roughly 6 hours completely alone each day or I get progressively drained.
Will absolutely avoid calling anyone on the phone (order food, make dentist appointment, anything at all), except for a family member.
Oddly, I really enjoy email and can feel a "closeness" over email that I can't in person.
I know I need to make eye contact in social situations, and I do it intentionally, but it is literally painful every single time. Hence the social exhaustion I think.
Work:
I can not focus on work while other people are in the office and might talk to me. Interruptions, or even just the possibility or likelihood of being interrupted, mean I can't focus on anything. I often get very little done all day, and get most of my work done when the office is empty between 5-8 pm. Work that I do get done during regular hours I do with noise-cancelling headphones or by moving to an empty room.
I find all group interaction stressful and anxiety-inducing. I leave all meetings with more than one person completely exhausted— especially if there is any sort of conflict or disagreement. I dread going, do not want to talk, and when I do (especially if I am presenting a conflicting or contradictory viewpoint) I have no way how to say it in ways that don’t make other people start to get upset. After meetings I need almost an hour of time alone to recover (and at least one or two cigarettes).
I am uncomfortable asking or telling other people to do things (even when it is their job, and not mine), and often end up doing the work myself rather than ask others to do it.
Other related things:
I am obsessively neat in my home. All things should have and be in a designated place, and it bothers me if they aren't. I prefer to live this way since I always know where my things are, but it means I'll probably never live with another adult again because I can't stand their leaving things around.
All sorts of sensory things bother me, and I won't write the whole list out. It's more of a problem if I'm already anxious, then they're unbearable. I have lots of "food rules" but they are rarely a problem, it's just how I eat.
All that said first-- I’m a fairly high functioning person, and that's why I fear being dismissed out of hand. I don't think I have any intellectual problems-- I have a Ph.D., I do research. My work is generally high quality (I just have to work really long hours to finally get into a focus on it, which isn't great). I have a boyfriend. I have two wonderful and happy children (their father and I split up, the relationship was too stressful for me), and do believe I'm a good, attentive, affectionate mom despite all of the above.
Anyway... hello, everyone. I'd really appreciate hearing from you if my experiences and problems are are like yours, and especially how you went about talking to a therapist (if you did), or otherwise anything that helps you manage anxiety.
