Raunchy jokes

[Neia]

What do you do when someone, another lady who's old enough to be your mother, makes raunchy jokes about you, or innuendos. And you never could stand those, even when your own mother made them?

There's this lady that sees me like a sort of foster daughter, she's very maternal towards me, but sometimes comes up with jokes that make me cringe and make want to be rude to her like saying "Shut up. Don't judge me by yourself! "

I don't encourage her, I usually try to deflect and change the subject. But she always goes back to tge same unpleasant joke.

I don't want to offend her, so I don't know what to say.

 

[Aspychata]

May be this a test for you to state your boundaries, and discuss with her that you don't feel comfortable, and you prefer PG jokes only. Or state that you don't find that funny, and you would prefer to discuss something else. I have learned to state boundaries, or l just have a meltdown two days later because l didn't say anything.

 

[Cryptid]

I go silent until an appropriate time for me to leave. If they are in my home, I make sure they are never invited back.

 

[Outdated]

What do you do when someone, another lady who's old enough to be your mother, makes raunchy jokes about you, or innuendos.

I get the same now and then, even on this forum sometimes. I wouldn't mind if the jokes were actually funny but usually they're not, they're just crass and unimaginative. I just ignore them, gloss over it as if it never happened in the hope that if they never get a laugh they'll stop doing it.

 

[Hypnalis]

What do you do when someone, another lady who's old enough to be your mother, makes raunchy jokes about you, or innuendos. And you never could stand those, even when your own mother made them?

There's this lady that sees me like a sort of foster daughter, she's very maternal towards me, but sometimes comes up with jokes that make me cringe and make want to be rude to her like saying "Shut up. Don't judge me by yourself! "

I don't encourage her, I usually try to deflect and change the subject. But she always goes back to tge same unpleasant joke.

I don't want to offend her, so I don't know what to say.

First, forget "I don't want to offend her".

That doesn't mean you're obliged to be offensive, but don't put such a crippling constraint on yourself.

That "Shut up ....." line is equally problematic. Thinking something aggressive like that primes you to say it.
But if you do, it will get rejected due to social constraints. So it's counter-productive.

Try some version this instead:
* "That kind of joke/comment makes me (a bit) uncomfortable"
* "Please don't do/say that"
etc

Note the absence of a leading "I'm sorry" or "I hate to say this" etc. When protecting a boundary, be polite, but do not soften the message. All this stuff like "I wish xxx", "I'm sorry but" give the kind of people who test boundaries something to hide behind.

Of course the person doing this may not be aware it's uncomfortable for you. You must leave room for a simple apology too. So "a bit uncomfortable", which is direct but lowers the intensity, is still ok.

 

[Neia]

I guess this is one of those times when I have to be brave, and be assertive
My brain just gets all flummoxed and gets into flight mode with this type of situation.

Thank you all.

 

[Hypnalis]

My brain just gets all flummoxed and gets into flight mode with this type of situation.

This sounds like a lack of practice. That is, something that can be handled via preparation for a single case, and continued practice for handling new different scenarios in real time.

I can teach you a way to prepare. It's quite hard work the first time though, because you can't use another person's "script". (Trying to do that is a very common error in general (NT and ND) - it's "playing to lose").

On the plus side, this sounds like a simple situation, where the other person is positively disposed towards you.
You may never get a better chance to start "raising your game".

BTW - I make offers like this fairly often but hardly anyone is prepared to do the work
Anyway I'm use to that, and it doesn't upset me at all.

Also it's ok if you just ignore my suggestion. I know how to play the game, but I'm naturally avoidant, so I understand how that goes too

 

[Misty Avich]

I just laugh, as I've found that the more people tease me or make jokes, the more they actually like me and it's a form of social acceptance.

But I'm not saying that's how you should feel, as it might not be the same for you. If she's upsetting you then she should stop.

 

[AspieChris]

I have tried everything that has been suggested here. It all works, but each unique scenario has a unique solution. There’s no way to know the best way to handle it.

What I will add is that if you are both adults, regardless of age, you deserve to be treated with respect. This sounds like a person who is not respecting your boundaries, even if she is well meaning. And it’s unfortunate but you will need to re-establish those boundaries or spend the next couple of decades feeling the way you do right now.

Just remember that you will be talking to an adult who probably does actually enjoy your company. She might even be a good friend to have someday. And the longer she is unaware that her jokes/comments are bothering you, the more difficult it will be to get her to stop without you being the bad guy.

 

[Au Naturel]

What do you do when someone, another lady who's old enough to be your mother, makes raunchy jokes about you, or innuendos. And you never could stand those, even when your own mother made them?

There's this lady that sees me like a sort of foster daughter, she's very maternal towards me, but sometimes comes up with jokes that make me cringe and make want to be rude to her like saying "Shut up. Don't judge me by yourself! "

I don't encourage her, I usually try to deflect and change the subject. But she always goes back to tge same unpleasant joke.

I don't want to offend her, so I don't know what to say.

My mother has never made a joke about me in her entire life. There might have been a raunchy joke somewhere, but I was not involved. Mothers, in my experience, do not make raunchy jokes about their children. This is a strange behavior.

You could try to find out why she's making raunchy jokes at your expense. That gets to the core of the issue.

Or you can always just ask her to stop. That's much easier. Why do people freak out about saying that something makes them uncomfortable?

If she doesn't stop, you leave.

 

[Neia]

My mother has never made a joke about me in her entire life. There might have been a raunchy joke somewhere, but I was not involved. Mothers, in my experience, do not make raunchy jokes about their children. This is a strange behavior.

You could try to find out why she's making raunchy jokes at your expense. That gets to the core of the issue.

Or you can always just ask her to stop. That's much easier. Why do people freak out about saying that something makes them uncomfortable?

If she doesn't stop, you leave.

You are obviously not Portuguese.

The more "free spirited" women, who grew during the late 50s early 60s, think that it's funny and freeing to be as crass as some men.
It's to show that they are forward thinking.

 

[Outdated]

The more "free spirited" women, who grew during the late 50s early 60s, think that it's funny and freeing to be as crass as some men.
It's to show that they are forward thinking.

I've met a lot of women like that but they were all gay. Perhaps telling your mother that might slow her down a bit.

 

[AspieChris]

Mothers, in my experience, do not make raunchy jokes about their children.

May I introduce you to my own mother? Some are not as responsible as we all would like to think.

 

[AspieChris]

To be a mother means having birthed a child. There are some amazing people who touch us in the way that a mother should who have no children of their own. There’s really no good single word in English to describe these people.

And there are plenty of ‘mothers’ with children who probably should have been sterilized at birth.