Re-evaluating relationships after diagnosis

[LadyS]

After recently getting diagnosed, and with a lot of much needed alone time during this pandemic I've started to look at all my friendships a little differently and now am questioning how to move forward with them, if at all. Growing up, I really didn't have TOO much trouble making friends, as someone who can read people, I found myself gravitating towards people who have more accepting, generous, friendly open personalities as well as people who are equally introverted and in need of friends themselves. Once I find these people, I latch on as best as I can, since these people can be rare. They've always taken me in, maybe some out of pity. I've masked as best as I can throughout the years to try to fit in, however I was always separate and could never get really close with anyone.

Now as an adult my circle is pretty small, but I'm also realizing that my masking to keep even these friends is not what I want to keep doing just for the sake of having friendships. I've now realized that some, including my best friend have, in a way, taken advantage of me, because I've made more effort to keep the friendship but often have gotten ignored. And the friends that still make an effort, I've realized I don't have too much in common with. And the hardest realizations is that although most of these have been long lasting friendships (20+ years) none of them have endured any real, true hardships, even remotely close to all I've endured my whole life. They have big, loving families with educated parents who get along, neurotypical siblings who are always there for each other, never had financial hardships, have neurotypical kids, etc whereas I have the opposite. I've realized I've masked all my hardships and struggles in order to pretend that I'm the same and fit in better. Now I'm realizing I need more friends who've endured similar circumstances or at the very least I can mentally relate to. Unfortunately at this stage, when I have a kid that's about to be diagnosed with ASD too and about to have another kid, it'll be pretty near impossible to find new friends at this stage, especially for someone so introverted and bad at meeting new people.

Anyway, just really wanted to get that off my chest as it's been bugging me lately. Has anyone else had to re-evaluate their relationships and make changes?

 

[menander]

I feel the same! When you wrote, "because I've made more effort to keep the friendship but often have gotten ignored..." that really hit home. And recently I have been using the ax on "friendships." It hurt before the pandemic because I was always feeling sensitive and guilty. But now----after reaching out to people here and there and no response, screw them. I don't mean much to them so I have to get onto their page. They can't mean much to me.

Who matters? Those who care and deep down you know who they are.

So yes, I put my social life on a strict diet and now it's much healthier

 

[Au Naturel]

I have noticed for most of my life I was always the one who had to do the outreach. Nobody ever reached out to me. Wife doesn't understand why I am disturbed by this and says that just means I have to reach out even more. (Not likely.) I always figured that if things were the way they are supposed to be, there'd be equality in such things.

 

[Aspychata]

Ouch. ouch. Do you like to hang out with the person? Then just do it. Don't attach anything to it. l kinda of view my life as l could be dead tomorrow. Who do l want to hang out with today???? Who will make me smile??? Make me feel special??? Be graced with my stupid self??? You maybe surprised......
Some people view you as something special. Some people view you as chopped liver. Who should you hang out with? The people who are happy to see me, who think l am whipped creme in their life, l gravitate to them. They make up for all the people that SEEM to hate me. lol
l am sure this isn't very zen or Buddha like. But you can create your reality. If you let someone else create it - YOU may not like it. Do what you want to do, don't answer to me or anyone else. There lies your true freedom.☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
l hope you feel inspired. To create your own happiness. I apply this concept everyday to my life.

For all the people who hate you on planet earth- There is somebody who thinks YOU are god's gift.

 

[Suzanne]

I was around 18, I think, when I had a particular experience, that at the time, really confused me, but I got the: ahhh ok, that is what it was many year's later!

I happen to be living with my granny and was dating a very untypical guy. He was outgoing and tons of friends, which naturally, I tried to latch onto, because of the mere nature of being with him.

I had a penpal from America and it just happened that she came to visit me and at the same time, my boyfriend's friends came to see me, so I found myself going from one room to another, to try and keep up with being hospitable. ( It never occured to me to introduce my friend lol).

Each time, I went to spend a bit of time with my penpal, I realised I must have been holding my breath and not only that, but my entire body sort of sagged with: phew!

Year's later, still confused at that, it suddenly came to me what had happened. I was putting on a mask with my boyfriend's friends. I felt horribly uncomfortable with them and it was true, I never felt accepted and one of his friends even said I should be drunk all the time, because I am huge fun then! Which resulted in me, drinking whisky and coco cola BEFORE leaving my granny's place, so that I would be nicely tipsy, to endure the company of my boyfriend's friends.

Since I was formally diagnosed on the asd spectrum nearly 2 year's ago, you can see that I had no idea that I was on the spectrum at that point and wish I had known.

At last, I understand the concept of friendship, but finding it too tiring to contemplate. I consider I have one friend and that is because I feel comfortable with her, whether we text or face to face. She NEVER judges me and if she considers I am in error, she gently reasons with me. Funny, because she is in her early 70's and I have always gravitated towards older people. Feel almost frightened of my age group.

I do not hanker for friends now; just accept and treasure the one friend that I do have and it is not hard, because there is give and take with her and I guess that is the point. True friendship is a two way stream; must like a marriage really.

 

[Thinx]

I see where you're coming from, but I wonder if you had been able to share your difficulties whether that may have been ok for one or two of these people? I'm not sure from what you say, whether you have a partner you can rely on for some support, so I feel uncertain if this is a great time to shed friendships? Yes, if something is really not worth the effort, it's maybe reached it's sell by date, but take care of yourself too.

 

[LadyS]

To answer responses, I know deep down that friendship is a two way street and that keeping friends that make an effort is what I should do. However, like I said, the friends that DO make an effort, I've realized I have very little in common with because of lack of common interests as well as them having less understanding of hardships which define a lot of who I am. Sometimes they even inadvertently make me feel more depressed because their life "problems" are so petty and trivial compared to mine. All I have to do is compare situations and I make them feel better that at least they don't have it as bad as me (win? Lol). Anyway, I don't plan on cutting out everyone completely but have already stopped making extra efforts and lessened my interactions accordingly. No one sees me as their one go-to, "cat's meow" friend mostly because I can't get close with anyone. I even struggle with my husband sometimes but he still sticks with me and understands what I'm going through. So I guess we'll see what comes. As some of you have said, I just need time now to take care of myself and not let others take on that role which in reality I never allowed them to. One step at a time I suppose.

 

[paloftoon]

Well being friends is not meant to be a comparison of one's economic or psychological stature at all. It is not a competition. Sure, these things can affect a friendship or affect how one is built. But if you're truly friends with another person, you'll work with each other's differences. Even if it simply means leaving the other person alone sometimes. The balance is hard and could be changing.

It's harder for people to be friends if they are in different places in life because their focus may be so narrow. For instance, if one friend is financially better off than you, they may have a harder time building that trust with you because they don't want you to leech off of them.

A friend who might be in a psychologically different place than you, like you described, your friends complain about minor things compared to your things. Lucky them. This could be a strength of yours will you can tell them how they can deal with it and maybe why them dealing with their problems is better than other alternatives.

I do have to say, though, that remember, their issues not being as extreme as your should not make you feel bad. If they are saying these things to try to make you feel bad, then they are not good friends. If they are saying these things because they are truly bothered by them, then don't look at it as a knock on you. Their situations and yours are not the same.

What you can do is focus on yourself and try to do things that will improve your life situation. You can't depend on anyone else or expect them to do things, but you can ask.
You can always depend on yourself though.

You might be like me in that you might not be 100% sure on where your friendships are exactly, and you want to know right this second, right?
A good, natural enough way to "test" this is to simply invite a friend one at a time to something and see if how they respond. If it seems like you're making a lot more effort than you should, then don't initiate with them anymore until they do with you. If they invite you to things but it's always too inconvenient for you, offer an alternative that is convenient for you if possible. Maybe even tell the person 1-1 you enjoy having them as a friend, but you don't feel the connection is strong enough and you want it to be. If they are okay with having you as a friend, something will be worked out. If not, then you know you can move on.