Reading signals

[Taylor Lemke]

Hi Guys,

So do any of you have problems in knowing if someone is interested in you? I feel like I can’t read signals from guys, and then find out later from someone commenting, that they were flirting or looking at me, but I had no clue. And then talking is hard, because I get nervous and can’t process what I want to say right away, or it just becomes awkward.

How have any of you over come this, or found a solution that works, so you don’t miss out on non verbal cues?

I just feel like with my Aspergers, I have a hard enough time not looking awkward in social situations, but don’t want to miss out on a potential relationship either.

 

[mw2530]

If I could figure this one out, it would be the equivalent of me discovering plutonium..

 

[pjcnet]

There is no easy answer, except you can learn to look out for specific body language and consciously look out for it and you can improve with experience.

When someone makes it obvious they're interested in you or you figure out the signs, the next challenge for you would be to tell the difference between a man who is looking for just one thing (and probably takes what he can get when he can get it, saying all the right things just to achieve his goal - unfortunately a lot of men go through a time in their lives when they're like this), and when someone is genuinely interested in you for more than just getting you into bed (as a man myself I know how many men think, I had a friend who used to go out sleeping around and he hurt a lot of women who all believed he was interested in just them, he even went out with some of them a good few times while he was also sleeping around behind their back with as many women he could get, laughing about it to his mates). If I was you and a man appears interested that you also like, I would make him wait until you know him quite well, then if he is just after one thing he will quickly get inpatient (but still don't give in) and before long he will look for someone he considers easier, but if he is genuinely interested he will never pressure you and will continue to be there until you're ready (you could tell him you are interested in him, but aren't ready yet). My old friend would have got bored if he'd taken a women out a couple of times and didn't get them into bed (his time would soon be considered better spent elsewhere).

 

[Keigan]

I’ve later discovered that women were flirting with me, I had no clue in the moment. Potentially because I could barely keep up with my own thoughts and feelings.

 

[-SN]

I've had that happen when I was younger... haaa. Can laugh about it now.

I remember one girl was telling me what she would like to eat on a date... we were in photography class. I was just busy working on my photos... haa

 

[Fabian]

If I could figure that out it would be like a miracle. Although I find that because I am an Aspie I can hyper focus on body signals and start to see some. Its just really strange because I seem to lose the connection (which wasn't there in the first place) to the person and just focusing on body language. It helped me a lot that some of my colleagues at work told me about what to look for and pulled me aside when it became obvious that a girl was interested in me but I didn't see it. I find if I hyper focus on it I get it right usually but then sometimes I am still overwhelmed because my plan didn't work out or something new just happened which I didn't plan for. My big problem still is to work out the look whether a girl is interested in me or simply just gives me a smile for no apparent reason.

 

[Sherlock77]

I'm often clueless, I'm in a relationship right now, but it took a woman who was very outgoing to get my attention... It's quite possible that lots of other women had interest in me and that I never even picked up on it...

But then I've also found that with many women often be very outgoing, them being extremely friendly can be hard to figure out... One musician friend of mine is that way, a couple of years ago at a music jam she arrived, saw me and almost immediately greeted me and hugged me (I'm not very huggy), I barely even remembered her, I was slightly confused... Now I see her more often, and have figured out that she is just simply very outgoing, I probably wouldn't date her anyway... I have my reasons

 

[convallaria]

I also can't read the signals. (but I don't care) if someone just flirts with you sometimes or looks at you, it's probably just sympathy and you don't need to pay attention to this. better pay attention to those who communicate with you a lot of time, trying to get to know you well, etc it seems to me that the person to whom you really like is going to understand that you don't understand non verbal signals and will not try to send you these signals.

 

[xudo]

I have no idea. I found out long after high school that there were guys who were interested in me and I had no clue. Even when I knew that my husband was interested in me and we were meeting up, I was oblivious Luckily he was pretty awful at getting his feelings across too so we just sort of muddled through and now we've been together 11 years. We are both on the spectrum though, so that probably helps.

 

[ksheehan88]

I often see things that aren't there rather than not see what is there, if that makes sense? I read them all wrong, just in the opposite way. With people in general, I can't tell if they like me or not. Does that make sense? I don't know lol.

 

[Judge]

I often see things that aren't there rather than not see what is there, if that makes sense? I read them all wrong, just in the opposite way. With people in general, I can't tell if they like me or not. Does that make sense? I don't know lol.

Sounds familiar. That when I attempt to "read between the lines" with things I usually succeed.

However when I attempt the same with people and personalities...not so much. Awkward!

 

[SomeRandomAspie]

Hi Guys,

So do any of you have problems in knowing if someone is interested in you? I feel like I can’t read signals from guys, and then find out later from someone commenting, that they were flirting or looking at me, but I had no clue. And then talking is hard, because I get nervous and can’t process what I want to say right away, or it just becomes awkward.

How have any of you over come this, or found a solution that works, so you don’t miss out on non verbal cues?

I just feel like with my Aspergers, I have a hard enough time not looking awkward in social situations, but don’t want to miss out on a potential relationship either.

I don't seem to have this problem. Most of my friends and significant others have been pretty neurotic so I definitely blend in to an extent. For all they can tell I'm just a neurotic intellectual instead of an aspie. Yes, social situations are low stimulus situations and bore me to death, however, I have no problems reading the cues. I just find it more work than it's worth to socialize unless it's usefull. I'm generally too busy working on my projects and helping my brain out (e.g. coding, mathematics, memorization practice, etc). I find any social interation other than a debate boring.

 

[PATILYN]

I'm often clueless, I'm in a relationship right now, but it took a woman who was very outgoing to get my attention... It's quite possible that lots of other women had interest in me and that I never even picked up on it...

But then I've also found that with many women often be very outgoing, them being extremely friendly can be hard to figure out... One musician friend of mine is that way, a couple of years ago at a music jam she arrived, saw me and almost immediately greeted me and hugged me (I'm not very huggy), I barely even remembered her, I was slightly confused... Now I see her more often, and have figured out that she is just simply very outgoing, I probably wouldn't date her anyway... I have my reasons

So I am NT ... and you seem to have spent some time thinking about this issue of reading signs ... I am hoping you can help me. I have an aspie guy that is a friend and I have feelings for him. I am very very touchy feeling with him. He is quite okay with that. I am also very verbal about calling him terms of endearments and the like. In fact, I have gone so far as to let him that I love him. He was able to tell me "same back to you". He once said to me "but you are not looking for a new partner" and "you are just very friendly". At the time, that was rather true ... but things have changed. So I can see from your remarks above how he might be confused. However, that does not help me with HOW YOU FEEL when a woman seems interested in you in the ways I have described. I have kissed him briefly and he has quickly kissed me. I have held his hand. I kinda have to wonder what more I might have to do ... LOL? or say?

 

[Sherlock77]

So I am NT ... and you seem to have spent some time thinking about this issue of reading signs ... I am hoping you can help me. I have an aspie guy that is a friend and I have feelings for him. I am very very touchy feeling with him. He is quite okay with that. I am also very verbal about calling him terms of endearments and the like. In fact, I have gone so far as to let him that I love him. He was able to tell me "same back to you". He once said to me "but you are not looking for a new partner" and "you are just very friendly". At the time, that was rather true ... but things have changed. So I can see from your remarks above how he might be confused. However, that does not help me with HOW YOU FEEL when a woman seems interested in you in the ways I have described. I have kissed him briefly and he has quickly kissed me. I have held his hand. I kinda have to wonder what more I might have to do ... LOL? or say?

If you say so, I would also describe myself as married to my camera for the past 10 years, and being a loner, but still friendly enough I suppose...

My biggest struggle right now, always has been, expressing emotions in the first place... We have been doing things and getting together weekly for the past five months... The idea of whether or not we are dating has not come up, and I am struggling with how to even suggest it, or if I should even suggest it all, I've had varying opinions from different friends...

I don't do much for my birthday, rarely go out of my way to do something for anyone else birthday, even a good friend, yet back in August I did treat her for her birthday...

We haven't gotten all that intimate yet, the closest we've come is that she loves hugs, every time I drop her off at her place I make sure I hug her, and I'm not that big into hugs... We have spent many hours at a time on road trips a few times, even recently...

Am I rambling? I'm not sure if I have the answer, but if he is anything like me he may have great difficulty expressing emotions, yet I'm sure there is a way to get there, something I constantly think about in my personal experience...

It's close enough, four months away or so, but I've never had a lady in my life for Valentine's Day... Ditto for the Christmas experience, only a few weeks away...

 

[Gracey]

If I'm making an effort to pay close attention, if signals are my focus I am usually accurate.

If I'm stressed or mythered, ... forget it !
Clueless and blundering and very quickly irritated.

 

[PATILYN]

If you say so, I would also describe myself as married to my camera for the past 10 years, and being a loner, but still friendly enough I suppose...

My biggest struggle right now, always has been, expressing emotions in the first place... We have been doing things and getting together weekly for the past five months... The idea of whether or not we are dating has not come up, and I am struggling with how to even suggest it, or if I should even suggest it all, I've had varying opinions from different friends...

I don't do much for my birthday, rarely go out of my way to do something for anyone else birthday, even a good friend, yet back in August I did treat her for her birthday...

We haven't gotten all that intimate yet, the closest we've come is that she loves hugs, every time I drop her off at her place I make sure I hug her, and I'm not that big into hugs... We have spent many hours at a time on road trips a few times, even recently...

Am I rambling? I'm not sure if I have the answer, but if he is anything like me he may have great difficulty expressing emotions, yet I'm sure there is a way to get there, something I constantly think about in my personal experience...

It's close enough, four months away or so, but I've never had a lady in my life for Valentine's Day... Ditto for the Christmas experience, only a few weeks away...

Thank for your very very honest and in some intimate look inside your current situation. I am smiling because it is yet undefined. I know that situation very well. I have a feeling that I would be the one who have to define my situation. I wonder, how would it be fore you, if your lady friend, started to define you as dating ... ? Would things change. It make me feel very happy to know that you thoroughly enjoy each others company. It is like good old fashioned dating. Spending time together, getting to know each other, hugging, recognizing the holidays and thinking about having her there for those. In my parent's day ... this would be a really good start to nice long relationship. I think we have pushed a lot of expectations onto relationships that things should move faster ... but friends first is a nice way to begin. I made me look at my situation through a different lense. Thank you

 

[Sherlock77]

Thank for your very very honest and in some intimate look inside your current situation. I am smiling because it is yet undefined. I know that situation very well. I have a feeling that I would be the one who have to define my situation. I wonder, how would it be fore you, if your lady friend, started to define you as dating ... ? Would things change. It make me feel very happy to know that you thoroughly enjoy each others company. It is like good old fashioned dating. Spending time together, getting to know each other, hugging, recognizing the holidays and thinking about having her there for those. In my parent's day ... this would be a really good start to nice long relationship. I think we have pushed a lot of expectations onto relationships that things should move faster ... but friends first is a nice way to begin. I made me look at my situation through a different lense. Thank you

I think my biggest struggle (assuming this leads to more commitment) would be 37 years of adult life living rather independently, and then all of a sudden having something else (someone else) to command my time... I've spent most of my life generally doing my own things, with the usual constraints most of us have... Yet I also know from other people that having someone you love to spend your life with is one of the joys of life...

 

[Lemon Zing]

Speaking of signals: I suggest nobody pay money to film projects or crummy dating sites. Not all of them can be trusted, and they seem to exist to scam the overly keen kind. Fortunately for me, I'm getting my money back over that fake "perk" I was promised, but I'm very hurt about it either way. Trust in this day and age, may as well be obsolete. I'm not shelling out money any more for people, because many people just aren't honest.