Receiving love...

[DogwoodTree]

What do other people do that help you feel loved? ...that help you know they love you?

One thing that clued me in to my dx was that I couldn't let love in...and still struggle with it. People would do things that are supposed to communicate love, but it would just make me mad or make me feel like they were trying to manipulate me into liking them or "forcing" me to get into a better mood. It's like I live in Opposite World. What works for other people, just makes things worse with me.

Have you read the book The Five Love Languages? I hate that book. Nothing in it works for me. Some people insist on having hugs so they can feel loved, but it makes me feel violated that they must use my body in order to feel good about themselves or about me. I used to think quality time would work for me, but other people's definition of "quality time" and my definition are two completely different things. My "quality time" is usually alone time.

I used to thrive on compliments. I needed them. But I figured out that compliments are short-lived and don't really matter. People give compliments to make me feel good, not because what I did was actually good. Or maybe it was good relative to what I've done before, but not good compared to any objective standard. Or if it was objectively good, that's just constructive feedback to know how to keep improving.

I still like gifts, but almost no one figures out what I really want because I don't even know, usually. "Things" just don't hold much appeal to me right now anyway. I think I'm going through a depressive phase...not much of anything gets me excited anymore. I do give gifts that I think people will like. But I get stressed out over the risk I'm taking, that it will be something that they don't like and then the money is wasted. And gift cards feel like a cop-out because it doesn't require much thought...there's nothing of the heart in it.

Acts of service...I guess that one works some. But I feel guilty that anyone bothers, or I feel entitled (pathetic, I know). I try to fight that one. I don't want to feel entitled. If DH doesn't do something that he normally does for me, I fight the desire inside me so that I don't put demands on him.

I guess what does seem to work for me sometimes is when people reach out to me when I'm not expecting it. But then...I have this huge pain in my chest, this deep unfulfilled desire to be known, to be loved, to be accepted, to be real with someone...and it never gets met. Ever. I can't let people in. I've spent 4 decades learning how to keep people out and still look normal, learning how to hide what's inside. I want to be me, but the real me is too repulsive. There's always the desire to be real with someone, this ache to let someone in, but if I let that desire bubble up and start to be felt, I just plunge back into that abyss of despair, because it never happens. Never ever. I can't let it.

So I have to fight the expectation that it ever could. I have to fight the desire to be truly known and truly loved. But without love getting in, I'm starving inside. I'm wasting away into nothingness. And it hurts. I have to stop feeling to make it stop hurting.

Are you able to let love in? What connects with you, deep down?

I realize some of you simply don't have anyone making efforts to show you love. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Sometimes I beat myself up that there's so much love around me, but I can't seem to let much of any of it in. What is so wrong with me that I can have such a good life and yet be so miserable and hurting sometimes?

 

[Randomperson]

Nothing, as far as people go, my cats climb up on my chest and lay down and go to sleep while purring, this I take as them loving me unconditionally, so I return the same to them. But people? People just seem to ignore me and go on about their days.

 

[May Black]

There is nothing repulsive about you being you. Unless you're pretending to be someone you're not on those forum, I'd say what's in your head and heart is definitely lovable.

To me, love and acceptance are connected and come from within myself. The more I'm able to accept myself for who I truly am around a person, the easier it becomes to let someone in and let them love me. I hope that makes sense to you. The more expectations I need to live up to around people have, the less loved I will feel by them despite their words or even actions. I want to beloved for being me, not for being their perfect picture of a daughter or a wife.

 

[Ereth]

There's definitely nothing wrong with you. I think many of us can relate to what you're talking about---we have comfortable, safe lives and yet we feel so much pain.

I come from a rather reserved family, so I'm used to more subtle expressions of affection in addition to hugs and kisses.

I'll give some examples. My father and I tend to joke around with each other a lot. If I walk downstairs to the kitchen for a drink or snack, Dad, who's usually in his chair in the adjacent living room, will say, "What are you doing here? You don't have a hall pass."

"I don't need a hall pass to walk around my own house!" I reply.

It's really all about identifying what love is for you and your family and how it's expressed, and then just letting it happen.

 

[Judge]

DogwoodTree, I totally identify with what you are saying, as well as what others have posted. I've grappled with such concerns almost all of my life. As if I was completely "out of sync" with everyone else, and could never understand why. That as much as I wanted to be loved, at times I push people away. As if I really didn't know what I wanted from people.

Pursuing conditional love from humans remains my personal brand of heroin- or hemlock. Yet giving and taking unconditional love to and from a pet is an emotionally "seamless" event for me as it seems to be for other Aspies as well.

It seems most if not all of us have been emotionally abused by our peers in our formative years. That has to have taken a toll on us in this regard. We have complex defense mechanisms which may serve to go into "overdrive" and not only keep out bad people and bad intentions, but the good ones as well. It's very difficult for me to truly let people into my life. Even those who want to help or love me for who I am.

And then in my own case, I have chronic clinical depression. I exist in a world where joy is something I don't usually experience for more than a matter of hours or days with no exceptions.

It makes life daunting and quite lonely at times. I wish it were easy to let people into my life instead of inadvertently treating them like a hockey puck with me as a goaltender.

 

[DogwoodTree]

As if I was completely "out of sync" with everyone else, and could never understand why. That as much as I wanted to be loved, at times I push people away. As if I really didn't know what I wanted from people.

Yes, this exactly. Even when they offer what I've asked for...it doesn't work. Nothing works. It's like I'm starving but I'm allergic to every food in existence. Like Crohn's Disease of the soul.

And then in my own case, I have chronic clinical depression. In exist in a world where joy is something I don't usually experience for more than a matter of hours or days with no exceptions.

How long has it been like that? The more I find the deeper realities of who I am...the more I'm finding myself in that spot. There's just not much that really matters. To value what's here, you have to value what is temporary and shallow. Maybe that's the piece I'm missing, I don't know.

 

[Judge]

How long has it been like that? The more I find the deeper realities of who I am...the more I'm finding myself in that spot.

I was really aware of my depression around the age of 15. Wasn't formally diagnosed until my early 20s. I've been dealing with this close to 35 years. Sometimes I don't know how I've managed to survive this long.

ASD strikes me as something one can work with...adjust and compensate with self awareness. Clinical depression...well, let's just say that's a much tougher nut to crack.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I was really aware of my depression around the age of 15. Wasn't formally diagnosed until my early 20s. I've been dealing with this close to 35 years. Sometimes I don't know how I've managed to survive this long.

I'm a decade younger than you are, but with much the same timeline. Around 15 or 16, I started becoming aware that what I was experiencing was called depression. Was formally diagnosed after I left for college (my parents would never have allowed me to see a counselor...had to go behind their backs after I left home).

What keeps me going, at the lowest of the lows, is knowing I want to keep being a part of my children's lives, and that DH still wants me here. Sometimes, even that choice has to be made on sheer faith that I won't ruin their lives in the process.

How do you keep putting one foot in front of the other?

 

[Ereth]

There's just not much that really matters. To value what's here, you have to value what is temporary and shallow. Maybe that's the piece I'm missing, I don't know.

You're not missing anything. I promise. I can tell you from experience that it's hard to cope with being a "brooder" sometimes, but you don't have to change your values to be happy.

Clinical depression...well, let's just say that's a much tougher nut to crack.

Yeah . . . even with the appropriate support systems in place, depression likes to give us the middle finger on some days, doesn't it?

 

[Judge]

How do you keep putting one foot in front of the other?

I suppose hope, stubbornness and a promise to God that I'll keep trying as long as I possibly can.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Stubbornness...yes. And promises to God are not to be taken lightly.

Hope for what? That you'll wake up one day and be a different person? ...have a different life? ...find your purpose?

What do you hope for?

I ask because I'm trying to define my own hope as well...

 

[Judge]

Stubbornness...yes. And promises to God are not to be taken lightly.

Hope for what? That you'll wake up one day and be a different person? ...have a different life? ...find your purpose?

What do you hope for?

I ask because I'm trying to define my own hope as well...

Mostly just to exist and hang on with what I have. Nothing more, nothing less.

I have no false illusions or expectations. Quite often though I feel like it's all slipping away. An equation almost entirely based on income concerns in an economy I have no control over.

I wouldn't look to me as any kind of example to follow. We all go down different forks in the road...

Although I can certainly relate to how you feel. In a cosmic sort of way I feel these are the cards I have been dealt, and these are the ones I must play- in this life at least.

 

[DogwoodTree]

...but you don't have to change your values to be happy.

I don't think I know what happiness is. Or it's something so fleeting that it's a pointless pursuit.

Not trying to argue...I've spent a year now intensely trying to understand what peace and happiness and joy and health and all of those things are. I know "happiness is an inside job"...I get that. But it's such a fleeting and unpredictable state of being.

 

[Ereth]

Yes, it's unpredictable, and sometimes it doesn't last very long. But it's worth holding onto, and worth working for. I think you'll figure out what happiness is for you eventually. It takes time.

 

[AsheSkyler]

My mom calls on the way home from work, so she doesn't surprise me or make me worry there's an emergency by it being a surprise call, and we schedule a visit every few weeks or so that works around their work lives and my solitude. They don't comment, compliment, or insult they way I look, because they know I hate the attention, and I give them feedback because they like it. They let me indulge in my creativity without discouraging me or telling me to go to school. (Which I find highly insulting when I'm told that, you might as well be honest and say you think I suck and I'm too stupid to figure it out on my own. Art is pretty simple, it isn't rocket science!) They don't harass me first thing in the morning and give me time to wake up before I start dealing with people (my dad's the same way anyway), and I don't bug them at night when I'm wide awake. We all share new stand up comedians we discover, because we all love watching it. They let me pick out one practical thing for them to buy me at Christmas so they feel they have expressed affection and I get something necessary. And I know my family truly loves me when they keep an ample supply of cranberry sauce and dinner rolls on the table at Thanksgiving and Christmas. That is how I know they love me and that I love them. We've learned how to communicate and respect boundaries. =)
Although they still have issues with me staying up all night, that seems to be my unforgivable sin, heehee.