Receiving sympathy/pity from others

[Lichi]

I have always had an issue when something has happened and people give me pity. I see other people eat that right up, while it makes me very irritated. The same goes for when people try to sympathize with me. I just get very aggravated and frustrated. If something unfortunate happens I would rather have people around me ignore it and not highlight the issue.

I think the main reason it frustrates me as much as it does is because I’m not able to do the same for other people and hate when they expect me to. I usually also don’t see the issue to be as big as some people make them and like to carry on. It makes me very uncomfortable even if I know people mean well.

I forgot to add. I have a nephew who is diagnosed with HFA, but he seems to love this extra attention. He looks for it in the smallest inconvenience and gets upset if he doesn’t get it.

Does anyone struggle with this?

 

[onlything]

It does annoy me when it's fake. And it's fake, especially pity, is fake most of the time. If it's not, it means that other person considers you as weaker, lower in the hierarchy. Because this is what pity is about - a little pity for a pitiful being. For me it's weakness and unless I feel safe enough between people to believe they won't judge me too harshly, I'll see the issue as vulnerability on my part.

 

[kay]

I'll take pity and/or sympathy if it will get me chocolate.

I'm ok with it in the right context. Not too happy when people pity me for stupid reasons or pity me in a very condescending way.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I don't mind pity and sympathy. Within reason, of course.

I try to avoid people though that treat me as their pity project that they want to "fix", be it over Asperger's or whatever. I don't want to be treated like a dainty thing that needs constant pity and sympathy. I want to be treated like a human being; an equal.

 

[Lichi]

It does annoy me when it's fake. And it's fake, especially pity, is fake most of the time. If it's not, it means that other person considers you as weaker, lower in the hierarchy. Because this is what pity is about - a little pity for a pitiful being. For me it's weakness and unless I feel safe enough between people to believe they won't judge me too harshly, I'll see the issue as vulnerability on my part.

How do you know it’s fake?

My reasoning has always been “because I cannot genuinely feel it myself it cannot exist.”

I agree with the weakness part. I can’t stand being portrayed as weak.

 

[Mia]

when something has happened and people give me pity. I see other people eat that right up, while it makes me very irritated. The same goes for when people try to sympathize with me. I just get very aggravated and frustrated. If something unfortunate happens I would rather have people around me ignore it and not highlight the issue.

One of the most difficult things in life, is to expose your true nature, your vulnerability. Showing any sort of weakness or vulnerability makes us human and imperfect. And all of us are. It leaves us open to possibly being hurt.

Yet maintaining a constant and never-ending mask of strength in the face of some occurrences leads to never letting your guard down. Always acting like you're strong is a facade. We feel and sense things and understand things and sometimes it's all right to be sad, or unhappy, or hurt, and to show it. Showing vulnerability requires more strength than not showing it.

 

[OlLiE]

i generally say that i appreciate, but then ask them to do something to help me out

might as well turn it to my advantage

 

[Progster]

Yes, I do struggle with this, because I don't like the attention and find it overwhelming. I also don't feel whatever it is that they are feeling and sometimes find it condescending. It also doesn't help, especially when the giver is just going through the motions of saying the socially appropiate thing without genuinely feeling the sympathy. I'd rather they didn't say anything than try to give me false sympathy. I also feel that I'm required to react to it, and that is awkward because I don't know how to react or what to say beyond 'thank you'. I'm a very pragmatic person and not very emotional, so a display of sympathy doesn't help me much. What does help and is appreciated is some good advice or some action, such as making me a cup of tea and talking to me in practical terms about the problem, or about something other than the problem to take my mind off it.

 

[onlything]

How do you know it’s fake?

My reasoning has always been “because I cannot genuinely feel it myself it cannot exist.”

I agree with the weakness part. I can’t stand being portrayed as weak.

It's a very close-minded reasoning, I have to say. People are people and can be different.

How? How can you say a smile is fake? How can you say sadness is fake? It's an emotion like any other. It depends on a context, how well I know a person, how well they know me, what kind of look they send at me and what my gut tells me on the thing. It's something I learnt through observation and can't fully describe.

 

[flawedplan]

the person showing you pity

considers you as weaker, lower in the hierarchy

... toxic masculinity in a nutshell. Men must not be vulnerable under any circumstances. In other words, men are not made for love. It's a deadly, soul-destroying trap, and men can step out of it.

 

[paloftoon]

I want people to be honest about what is bothering them 1-1 or that even that they can't quite put their finger on it. I want people to figure out what they did wrong to me or others and be able to tell me how they plan to change moving forward. I want people to understand that sometimes, I make bad decisions because of outside influences (but that sometimes I need outside influences to understand the situation and make good decisions too). I want to accomplish that ever changing balance. I want to be able to forgive for the right reasons and have opportunities to be forgiven with the right intentions.