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Recent widow with Aspergers

S

SueD

Member
My husband died of a brain tumor 2 months ago after 42 years of marriage. I said a few things in passing, like I have to start going through my husbands stuff to get rid of it. I was thinking about soups in the pantry that my husband like that I did not. My in-laws misunderstood and said I meant they could not have any of my husband's possessions, and didn't believe I had the right to explain what I meant. What came out is what I feared was always there. They have never cared for me. My mother in law said I was loud and blunt. I speak directly and truthfully and always try to treat those around me with kindness. Well, that was not enough. My husband had 5 brothers and sisters, and none of them or my mother in law are speaking to me. I have always been the one that says "The emperor has no clothes!" I think logically and speak truthfully. And that is what they call being blunt. I am in a lot of pain but I know it is another case of people not knowing what to do with me. By the way, I was diagnosed by my long-time therapist as Aspergers Syndrome, and I am a FragileX carrier. My son, 29, has the full mutation of FragileX Syndrome. I call him a tall 5 year old.
I feel so misunderstood and my husband's family has completely turned their back on me. I would change myself if I could. I've been trying to change myself all my life but it doesn't work. I don't fit in. They don't like me.
So, that is me right now.
 
Dear Sue

I'm very sorry about your loss. It's truly heartbreaking, to have someone so important to you, being lost forever. It may not seem like much, but hopefully we are able to help you with the support you so obviously crave, and are being denied of, by your late husband's family.

Regarding your life-long struggle with trying to fit in, my only advice, would be to try to find a better balance of this. Of course, it's important to fit in, to some degree, as this allows us to function as an active member of society, but it's just as important to allow yourself to be who you truly are, deep down. We may occasionally find, that when we are true to ourselves, that we attract the type of people who like us for who we truly are. I have found this to be true for me. It may not always happen right away, but hopefully, this can be true for you too.

I would like to recommend this book for you. It's one that offers much enlightenment, for many women on the spectrum. Perhaps, it will assist you, in finding yourself, and your place in this world: Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com
 
Dear Sue,
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss and while it is unfair for your in laws to treat you this way especially if they know of your condition,don't allow them to dictate your feelings right now. You have been married for 43 years which shows how much you loved your husband and how much he loved you. That is what matters most. Your in laws don't understand you like your husband or your son do and it is understandable as most people don't. Spend some time with your son and people who really understand you. All wounds eventually heal. Please remember that this too shall pass. Take care.
 
Thank you so much for the recommendation. I have ordered the book. I read a couple of other books about Asperger's and understand much more about the profile, but not what to do with it. I need to be more accepting of myself at age 61. Believe I am okay just the way I am. When my husband was alive and we would talk about our differences, I would say "I cannot be the way I am". I thought I should be drop kicked out of the human race. I cannot be the way I am and I cannot change it. God knows I've tried. I read Kierkegaard recently was shocked at how much it described the way I have unconsciously lived my life. Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced. I've been trying to solve my problem since I can remember. I am a terrific troubleshooter and work as a software tester, but it doesn't work with your life. Boy I have a lot to learn.
 
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